Monday, December 27, 2010

12/27/2010

Just allowing the 12/25/2010 post stand as it is-today is 12/27/2010-the Christmas lines will suffice for that Christmas.
Still marveling at the upbeat within after years of soggy darkness perhaps the deepest depression I have had and I am prone to depression or at least I have been.
Saturn in the 4th is prone to depression at least in my case. Saturn square Mars in the first really shapes things: when ever I feel trapped by my own weakness there is the tendency to fall into depression. Yes, when ever I need to charge forward but don't because I am afraid or I feel inadequate to change I then fall into the depression mode. The last one was so overwhelming because the clash of impulses-to Mother on and therefore to provide shelter,nourishment and security for those who turned to me or to let go and just relax. Well I accepted a prescription for anti-depressants and soldiered on. Today I have a pension and SSA which I would not have if I had given into the impulse to let it all go and I have the experience of knowing that I became the "Old Mother" for my family although I also realize that A would have done better if she didn't have me to lean on.

I miss my natal family, my parents and my sister and Randy and Teresa and the little girls. Memories of wonderful Christmas that Buffy and Mama would put together. This year there were no friends, no breaking table, no stories and fun. The "company" was all Courtney's and they are so young that they are of no help in the feast.

Just burned up my beautiful 8 inch skillet perfect for sauteing-I have destroyed a lot of the cookware because I will put something on to warm up and then come in here to type a little and then look up later as the smoke billows in. I will of course scrub up the wonderful triple ply Cuisinart skillet but it will never be the same as before I left it on the fire while I wrote about Christmas.

I have really missed Barbara this Christmas-her conversation and friendly presence always brought so much and then Judy would come and others and we would talk and eat and drink a little. She was a wonderful friend and I imagine that I will always miss her and regret the way we ended (you remember, dear diary, that horrible day when I "allowed her to read my journal entry which included some unkind things about her son who was at the time on trial). she has not been able to forgive me and I do recall that she never contacted me when she moved to Colorado and with Steve's prompting realize that she never loved me as I loved her.

I "forgot" that day when we swapped journal entries and mine included the paragraph that begins: her son is a pure asshole or something to that effect. I remember Barbara saying "why are you calling Aaron an asshole?" and I said because he is and that was the living end of our "friendship". Barbara had even gotten to the point that she believed that her son had done nothing to the woman involved and I understood that he had literally beaten her up and threw her in his trunk and drove a long ways in the Bay Area with her as his prisoner. I thought that the six or seven years that he has been in jail was enough and I was sickened by the way the court personnel treat people who are the defendants like low level animals-like salamanders and snails,etc but I never thought that he was "innocent" or "not guilty". I think that the truth for me was that I was exhausted by the intensity of court visits and the intensity of my friends need to have her son be "innocent" and the intensity for me of keeping my "truth" locked up inside. So that wonderful friendship is over and there were no grown-up friends this year. I will need to work on this this year.

I know due to the teachings of that old man CG Jung that I "unconsciously" let Barbara know how much I considered Aaron responsible for his predicament. Only now am I conscious of the fact that he never expressed any remorse at all certainly nothing at all like a "mea culpa". I believe that things would have gone easier on him if he could have admitted what he did but all he and his mother seemed to care about is getting him free. I remember that I wrote a letter to the judge in support of Aaron because his mother requested that I do so. I thought that this seemed improper and asked if this was discussed with the attorney/judge,etc. Barbara assured me that this was cleared and expected and then just before the transfer to Oakland the presiding judge in Hayward said out loud from the bench that this action on out part was wrong and could have resulted in severe penalties but he believed that we were so ignorant of the law that he just let things go. As I write this I am thinking that it was this that demanded that the case be transferred to Oakland and that Aaron then needed to face his terrible position. Well as I have already written that friendship is over and I missed Barbara this Christmas and Steve missed her boyfriend/partner and that is that and writing all of this has cleared up some points in my mind and now I am free to think of new activities that have potential for leading me into new friendships.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

12/25/2010

Wonderful dark storm with rain and wind. Quiet here because we celebrated yesterday. the most modest Christmas since I was oh 20 or something and I have so enjoyed this Christmas. So aware of how much I love Steve and Amy and Arvin and Courtney and my sister Buffy and Randy and Suzie. I have missed my parents and Joyce and even Barbara this year reminders of the Harwood St years the years I obsess on when depressed.
The change is a feeling of sunlight pouring down on me from somewhere. The feeling of warm breezes, of money in my pocket, of wonderful light AND release from all the oppressive weight of resentment and quilt and remorse and hatred and anger and regret. Just lifted off and I can live again. How frightening when I am overwhelmed by emotions, the return of the going over and over the memories of living on Harwood St and Gloria and Joyce and Mrs Sanchez next door and little Amy and Barbara and Tyler and Elaine

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

12/22/2010

Yesterday I considered telling Cheri about these blogs but when I randomly read through I was shocked to read the litany of depression and anger and regret that goes on for word after word. I was really shocked and I have resolved to write more from love and anticipation. I really slipped into depression, full of negativity, wallowing in the past and unresolved issues with people some of whom are dead already. WOW!!!! I had no idea and I resolve to address this within myself. While it is important to be in touch with emotional reaction I have remained obsessed or so it seems to me today.
Why not choose love? Why not choose to look for the sunshine? And why not release all the hurt and shock and disappointment up to God where it/they can be disolved in sunshine and released into life as new life?
I just didn't realized how far I had slipped.

Today I am making the Chocolate Cheesecake-cheesecake always needs at least 24 hours and 48 will really work-I will make sure that the pie is wrapped up so that it doesn't pick up other scents. Tomorrow I may make a pie or perhaps Courtney and I will make the Cherry Delight which is essentially unbaked cheesecake-no eggs but all the other ingredients and topped off by cherry pie-filling.

Friday I make the rolls and the Carrot Cake-they need to be fresh. Haven't decided how to do the ham. I ended up getting a butt cut-the spiral cut sliced ones were gone and the other ones cost around $40 which is not in this year's budget (the desserts are costly and that is really what everyone is thinking about at least this is what I gather from our conversations.

I am thinking that perhaps this last depression is finally breaking up-years literally years of depression and medication that kept me on my feet even if the medication never really drives away the "blues". At any rate something has shifted along with the shift away from the compulsive eating and thinking of myself as someone who can't stop eating wallowing in that injured little fat girl I once thought that I was.

Last night I realized that my life is so much more than I ever thought it would be. Even though I failed and lost my way I just kept going, reaching for my potential. There is the lesson-how to go on even when all hope is lost. How to reach out for support and comfort even when all hope is lost. I felt such a thrill when I "felt" my life through the body of the little girl that I once was.

I love the smell of rainy season-all green and watery and mossy (and the snails out looking for a better place to live.)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

12/21/2010

Another day of 2's and 1's. I quit writing here because I realized that I am writng out my journal and suddenly I was VERY self-conscious and even took down some pages and filed them away. Not as if, of course, the crowds are digging around in the internet to find MY writings but you understand.
Also, I wrote here for months and even years for Joyce to read and I imagine that I am accepting her death. Her daughter April notified me but refused to respond to my email back and so I decided that perhaps Joyce was not dead but rather was screwing with me in reaction to Steve's blocking her from my computer-she would write the most hurtful things and I would get so sad-I wanted us to be friends but really she was "a secret enemy" as one psychic said. Strange friendship that I allowed I imagine in some twisted way to pay for breaking Gerald's heart by leaving him that summer of 1971 (2)? At any rate I denied the fact that this twisted and haunted sister-in-law had shuffled off and we never resolved anything and I never received her blessing and this is to me tragic and haunting and can never be redone now. She ended up in New York where I always wanted to be and she got there by supporting her daughter to realize her talents and intelligence. Joyce was so smart and so talented and there wan never anyone to support her and her mother was a snotty,shallow high school girl who never grew-up. I gathered from Joyce that her mother was plain old mean and bitter. I always thought that the mother must have gotten pregnant on purpose in order to tie Joyce's father to her and then grew bitter when she realized that he didn't love her and never would-this is all conjecture on my part no one ever said this to me. And so... I imagine that she is dead and will not be reading here anymore and I miss her miss the years of trying to break the code although of course the only solution to that puzzle is to walk away and NOT look back.

Chrismas!! This is the first time I have felt the excitement this year. In fact I didn't do anything until yesterday-no cash nor any credit available until yesterday. I couldn't get into the cleaning and preparing until this morning. I know that it is the presence of Arvin and Courtney that brought forward all the years' memories of excitement and anticipation and suddenly I feel happy and excited. Still dark outside but I am doing wash and cleaning the kitchen-tomorrow will be the time to start the baking in order to be ready for the Christmas Eve celebration.

Here is a copy of something I posted over on Starlight News:
at C.-as Pluto moves to my MC in the next few years I have felt the chill of the hate from the Corporatists-destroy Social Security and then bankrupt the states so that pensions such as mine are destroyed and people such as myself will be walking the streets in shoes with holes filled up by pieces of cardboard. And for those reading who don’t have pensions now I just want to say that I and public service employees like myself paid hundreds of dollars every month into the pension plan and we were paid at a lower rate than those in the “private sector” with similar levels of responsibilities because the County was also contributing to our pension fund. The Corporatists have done a very good job of making us the civil servants sound like lazy, non-working cheaters but really I worked myself into a heart condition as so many other workers have unlike the likes of say-Mitch McConnell.
There!! I will now leave the pity-pot and someone else can climb up here. I think that I probably do hate Republicans now and all their vicious cruelty. What amazes me is the citizens who really are struggling right and yet will listen to the hate mongering that passes for Republican political message of hope with a plan for the future. I also wonder what to think when Obama seems to disdain the likes of me when I am the type who voted for him. Bah humbug!! thank god/goddess for my family and friends and all the sweetness I have encountered out in the world this Christmas season-really!!! People look tired but they are so kind and warm up close.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

12/9/2010

Deleted this mornings entry. saved it to a folder just for myself. good writing but not for the world.
Okay that startled me but here is the rest of today's offering from a wonderful Rabbi regarding Hanukkah which is just ending:
Rabbi Levi Yitzhak views Hanukkah as a model for understanding how the Divine interacts with Israel and the world in contemporary times -- "ba-z'man ha-zeh." While one might wish for God's supernatural intervention, the Divine acts in a much more refined manner. In the mystical terminology of Hasidism, God functions from within a state of tzimtzum (veiled appearance), active but not easily perceptible to the seeker.

And this is an example of why i love Jews and often wish that I was a Jew but alas!1 I am Christian right down to my toes. this discussion of the activity of God is so thoughtful so inspired, so mature so grown-up that I just shiver.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

12/7/2010

HAPPY BIRTHDAY: John Stewart and Tom Waits. A birthday that has come up over and over in my time but these two have left an impression with me. Joyce comes to mind. I keep thinking that she is not really dead rather just pulling a trick on me. This has taken root because her daughter never responded to my email. i guess that I will never know-how really sad. Joyce of Robert and Tom and of that time in my life,

I think I still am blaming Joyce for her outrageousness and feeling like I had to go to Marin and start over but of course that was a trap-Corina was harsh and cruel and I failed utterly to get through school and returned to hating myself while living with her. that was the terrible tie of moving to Crockett and then trying to lean on Davaki and the disaster there. Still hurts that time remains the lowest in my estimation-that is why I stayed with Roland-punishment and quilt. The native racism I grew up in and the quilt that ran with blood through me combined in those dark times to ruin me. I was not really ready to grow but I do see now that I did.

Found many Humphrey Bogart movies available for a small fee and I am signing up-I want to spend the day watching old Bogart movies. Right now watching "To Have and To Have Not-there is a big ganster shooting going on-reminds me of these days.

Monday, December 6, 2010

12/6/2010

I came across this paragraph in Aquarius Papers regarding yesterday's New Moon and I so want to remember this all through this lunation:

Jupiter is very powerful since it is the final dispositor of the entire chart, adding that type of energy as the primary backdrop to all the affairs in our world. Add its ongoing conjunction with Uranus at the end of Pisces, and you have another perfect time to feel a vaster experience of self within "All-That-Is," in unique ways that can release hidden energies to be used in early 2011 when Jupiter and Uranus both slip back into Aries. Cultivate your faith, forgiveness, and compassion over the next month, and you'll feel a huge new momentum in March 2011.

Got up this morning wanting to clean up and bring order so that harmony and beauty can shine through. Don't know where i was in my dreams but I did awaken full of energy and ready to live from my heart with energy and compassion and forgiveness and faith just as the astrologer recommends. Time to release the drug out feelings that I have been knowing too well of late. LOVE LOVE LOVE everywhere today and that includes myself. Hope that all those involved with Lisa and her conception and birth are all together with her soul now-I pray that she is embraced in loving arms of the Spirit and that she is able to love Elsie until Elsie is free to love back -I think that has already occurred.

Well I am posting the link to the entire Aquarius Papers article on the Sagittarius New Moon: http://www.aquariuspapers.com/astrology/2010/12/new-moon-in-sagittar. this is so good and I want the astrologer to be remembered by myself later.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

12/4/2010

Tonight at the dark of the moon we will gather and make potato latkes and top them with apple sauce that I will make today and with sour cream and we will speak prayers of gratitude that we have each other in these dark days.

But when it comes to Hanukkah, this above all: When we Jews gather with friends and family around the Hanukkah menorah each night for eight nights, lighting Hanukkah candles and singing Hanukkah songs, there is something supremely powerful and healing in that experience. Even in dark days and dark times, we are reassured and empowered by rites that have been practiced by our people for so long and that have, in turn, sustained us. The Hanukkah lights, in pushing back the darkness, open Jewish hearts to our families and friends and all who are near to us, drawing us closer to them and to the entire human family.

These words are from Rabbi Eric H. Yoffie and I only wish that we had a menorah to light but I will see to it that we light some candles in our own hearts.

Wonderful advise form my friends at Astroworld giving out advice on how to get my mind away from the news of the world and into the joy of family and friends. Perhaps one thing is that Joyce is gone and I wanted always to reconcile and I lost both Barbara and Judy becuase of a paragraph regarding Barbara's son facing years in State prisons after years in Alameda county jail. I was honest even brutal and allowed Barbara to read what I had written because I was exhausted from days in court. Barbara had gone so deep into her heartbreak and fear for her son's fate that she had even reached the point of blaming the young mother whom he had abducted-domestic violence as his first attorney said- I was startled and shocked that she could blame the woman and that was my first clue of what I was dealing with and that was the inspiration for the paragraph and I wonder if that wasn't the source of my "forgetting" that led to her reading what I actually thought. Well anyway I ended up not only losing Barbara but also Judy and I really miss the warmth of our discussion of politics, county politics, recipes, memories.

Friday, December 3, 2010

12/3/2010

So S explained to me that we can coy all of this and archive it and then take it down because I no longer feel free to say what I want to in this medium. I think we have entered a time of profound darkness and a time when the hounds os the rich ones will chase down the likes of myself and my friends and do us in.
I know that I don't usually talk or even think like this but the elections and the words of the tea Party/Republican winners is so coarse and brutal full of racism and hatred of the poor and vulnerable that I am for the first time in my life frightened.
I came across a religious man's writing in Huffington Post today and I copied his quoted passage from James: Come now, you rich, weep and howl for your miseries that are coming upon you. Your riches are corrupted, and your garments are moth-eaten. Your gold and your silver are corroded, and their corrosion will be a witness against you and will eat your flesh like fire. You have heaped up treasure in the last days. Indeed the wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, cry out; and the cries of the reapers have reached the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth. You have lived on the earth in pleasure and luxury; you have fattened your hearts as in a day of slaughter.

At anyrate what is going on around the West-Europe and the US is feeling orchestrated and has caused me to believe in the Illuminati. I know that the IMF or something else is being used to destroy our societies and to make serfs out of all of us but the very, very few who names and faces do not appear anywhere. I am frightened in a way that I never have been. Even on my beloved astrology blogs that I have stayed with for their lack of oohy wooy superstitious beliefs but now there is talk about the US coming apart,etc and I am disturbed deeply when I hear this where I trust the people and then hear lawmakers slinging racial slurs on the floor of the Congress. these are ugly,scary times

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

11/30/2010

OOHH!! I am not in a good place today: the ankles are swollen although not as much as over the weekend and all my joints seem to be swollen. My morning blood sugar was 105-the lowest reading since the diabetes began; for some reason I could never get below 120. I think that it is lower now because I am slowly losing weight. I am once again turning to "a plant-based diet" as Clinton announced when he showed up so thin. I am not utterly vegan but i am repeatedly sickened by the thought of cows and pigs raised as food slaves and tortured unto death-really! I am sickened when I walk past the meat counters and I am encouraged when I go to the Farmer's market or the Berkeley Bowland realize that I am free to eat what I really love and what my body REALLY likes to eat. I love the vegetables, the fruit, the grain and these items do not give me a stomach ache as dairy does nor heartburn as the animal flesh and grease does. Oh how I love a bean tostada or a bean burrito, how I love these days the spinach,cranberry,pecan,sour cheese salad with balsamic vinegar dressing. I/my body react beautifully to the plant-based diet without the stomach ache and gas and heartburn and with the entire cow thing out of the way I am free of the compulsive hunger that drove me to weigh in at over 200 pounds at one point.

I am drawn back toward the Church even though I no longer believe literally in the story. I love the ritual, the seasons and the culture and I miss going to Mass and I miss sharing this with Steve. I still read the st Theresa of Lisiejkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkm ( cat writing)-St Theresa of Lisieux
ux daily readings and meditations based on the seasons of the Church. the struggle with reducing my vicodin use has really interfered with the development of the insights about the importance of the little daily acts of love and mercy.

I don't use a huge amount of Vicodin but i use it everyday in order to feel free of the aches and pains of arthritis and aging. My current doctor believes that the amount that I use is very high still although I no longer use the 10mg 4x daily. I am slowly very slowly weaning off although every time I have flare up of flu/arthritis aches beyond normal i do go back to that high level-I got into this when I turned A-fib and can not use ibuprofen or aspirin or the other anti-inflammatory pain relievers because I am on warfarin and can not risk hemorrhage by adding more non-clotting factors AND I had to go through three surgeries for the carpel tunnel condition. Two years of daily vicodin left me with a habit that I was at first unwilling to acknowledge and which now I "struggle" with. I felt so guilty when I first accepted that I was in a problem but that is changing now-this is physical and emotional but i can and will come out of this although the 12 Step path is not really available since this pain reliever is the only thing available to me-I am teaching myself to live without regular pain relief while also accepting that I will need the Vicodin often. I actually don't know if this will work.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

First I wanted to write about greed and seeing how greed is what blocks us from having enough. We always have enough but the belief that we need more is what drives us to consume as we reach always for perfection and the perfect expression of "more".

then I wanted to write about my swollen ankles something that I have never had. Terrifying swelling to me the look of the "elephant legs" that I would see on clients as I made IHSS home visits in the early 2000's that I later learned was a symnptom of heart failure and the doctors said that my A-fib could hide a blood clot and that perhaps I had the beginning of heart failure. heart failure? Could this have come on due to the Vicodin use? Always the guilt!! Fear of dying, my mortality!! Too young to have heart problems

And then.... I thought of my father and looked at his chart although I don't know bout the time of birth so I used 10AM based on his saying that he was born in the morning. what a beautiful chart and I could plainly see our area of entanglement which revealed to me his sadistic streak although he was too highly evolved to be really cruel. His Venus at 5+ Pisces and Mars at 14+ Virgo= His T-square become my experience of my father. I feared him and hated him although I was proud of his handsomeness and strength and talent to sing and swim. I in the end resolved the issues by getting pregnant at 15 (not so weird really since I began bleeding at age 9 years. Nevertheless I had a boyfriend from a more stable,successful family although of course low middle-class as well. I so wished that i could have known all of this before his death but ALAS!! I am only now understanding.
My father was a true introvert who loved animals and children and to loved to work. He was so skilled and had so much to share but as Roy Kenoier said "he was crazy".
My father was a good man. There was never any hint of sexual impropriety, there was absolutely no abuse of any kind accept of course for his temper which our mother could handle. He drank too much once and got drunk and made a fool of himself and my mother took the keys and threatened him with abandonment and that was the end of that-I never saw him drunk again. He was very clean and took great pride in his appearance his morning grooming ritual was part of our life.

11/28/2010

I am interested in turning to a plant-based diet. Some call this vegan but I was tempted when I say the very thin Bill Clinton say that after his last heart crisis he has turned to a plant-based diet and lost 27 pounds and feels better than ever. Clinton has always been the pudgy,gorgeous guy of my own gene pool-he could be a cousin,etc.
I know that the meat and animal fat and the processed foods are what has made me fat and ill. and then I have the added strain of using the pain pills habitually because i cannot use the old reliable pain relievers such as Motrin,etc. the "A-fib" has led to using warfarin to prevent blood clots and the feared strokes and heart attacks and after the months of using the pain relievers for the hand surgeries guess what I now use the pills all day long for arthritis and pulled muscles,etc.and I have issues now and must deal with these "issues"
Here is a soup recipe using Lapsang Souchong tea for flavor/body

Easy Black Bean Soup
From The Cat-Tea Corner™ Recipe Collection (great site to visit if you are Vegan, love cats and/or love tea).

1 onion, chopped
oil for sautéeing
2 garlic cloves, scored
1 cup water
1 can 15oz / 425gm black beans, not drained
1 can 14oz / 397gm diced tomatoes, not drained (plain or seasoned)
1/3 cup white rice (optionally basmati)
salt and ground cayenne pepper to taste
2 cups strong prepared Lapsang Souchong tea (use twice as much tea leaf as usual)

Sauté the onion in the oil in a 2 quart/ 1 litre pot. When it's soft and slightly browned, drop in the garlic and sauté about a minute longer. Pour in the water, beans with liquid, tomatoes with liquid, and the rice. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat and cover. Let it simmer for about 1/2 hour, until the rice is nice and soft. (While it's cooking, make and eat some salad; try lettuce, roasted red peppers, and olives.) Once the soup is finished cooking, season it with salt and cayenne. Stir in the tea. Then pour the soup into a blender -- including the garlic cloves -- and blend until pureed but you can still see flecks of black bean. (We had to do this in two batches to not overload the blender.) Dee-lish with some crusty bread. About 4 servings.

I love the idea of using the tea to flavor to give the soup a smokey flavor. I wouldn't need that since I have been eating beans,etc without bacon or ham for years now but I am looking forward to trying this recipe.

I have been haunted by the thought of how pigs and cows suffer in order to be my meant. Can't bear to walk by the section of the grocery store-I am especially troubled by the plight of pigs-don't know why except that I have read that pigs are actually brighter than we are,

At any rate I have been drawn to a vegetarian life for years and in fact was a semi-vegetarian in my 20's. the difference now though is that I am no longer drawn to meat and eat it only because meat is easy to purchase on sale and to freeze and also the kids love meat and want to see meat on the table. Still I often eat around the meat eating everything else offered and just avoiding the meat,gravy,etc.

Cooking without eggs, butter and milk will require training. First reading recipes then shopping then preparing.

OOHHOOHH interuptipn: I have Bill Maher on and he has Mike Huckabee on explaining why he doesn't want the Medical Covrage bill to go through. He mentions how the wonderful Pepsi company spent 65 million years ago removing the transfats from their products. There that it is: Republicans are hucksters for the monster corporations and he made it clear to me the corporate foundation of the "Tea Party".

I am hating on Obama these days: I do wonder along with the writer where I first encountered this thought: is Obama a Trojan Horse? Was he purchased to get the liberal vote and then turn right-wing on our asses? I just hate what he says and does. I read that he has done all this wonderful stuff that we would love if only we knew. Well!1 why don't we know?! Could it be that that line is coming from his PR workers and really nothing has been accomplished?? I don't know but he has lost those of us who really got him elected/

Sestac on HBO with Bill Meher. Michael Moore explaining the lie in Huckabee's praise of Pepsi: Pepsi removed transfats AFTER a government program proved how destructive trans-fats are.

Friday, November 26, 2010

11/26/2010

Man’s work is to raise the dead to life, to bring brotherhood into expression on the physical plane, and to transmit divine energy to a waiting world of forms. ALICE BAILEY
This is a quote from Alice Baily and god I loved reading those words this morning. the rest of the passage is a little too strained or rather the analogy is strained but the first few words brought a tingle to my flesh

Thursday, November 25, 2010

11/25/2010

Probably overworked yestereday but the kitchen looks appropriately Thanksgiving. Miss my sister who would be busy decorating the house so that Thanksgiving would reflect all over the house. Aimee, Arthur, Courtney will be here and Arvin arrived yesterday. There will be football and parades on TV and there will be cooking and we will eat all day. There will also be reminders of all the family/origins issues and the opportunity to release the past.
I said my morning prayer to Holy Queen: She is also present and healing and supporting in this home-the Blessing that I could never have asked for because the blessing came first and then I have grown in the direction, with the direction of Her.
Now : need cornbread, coconut cake, go get Aimee and Arthur, get giblets on to cooking in order to have turkey broth for dressing and gravy, cranberries into cranberry chutney,drain the fruits for the Heavenly Hash an outrage of fattening food that is my absolute favorite salad for Thanksgiving and Christmas-mandarin orange section, crushed pineapple,cherries,marshmallows and sour cream. YUP!! I am not kidding! This is from childhood and I have never tired of it. It was the expense of this on thanksgiving 1980 with George that revealed our greatest division. We were so broke and he was horrified that I spent over $10 getting the ingredients and I was of course simply delighted that I could manage to get the food together. The point for me is that I did not yet know how to make the salad properly but it symbolizes for me the lushness of abundance and overflow and it is the abundance that I love and seek out at this time of year.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

11/24/2010

The day before Thanksgiving 2010. Pies to make,cakes to bake and many chores to prepare for tomorrow and I am grateful this year.
Last night I dreamed that i was once again with Roland in the ghetto grabbing sex on the sneak and dirty guilty sex and I didn't go to work even though I did continue to attempt to clean my house and go to work,etc. This was such a reminder of my life with him-guilt complexes around sex seeing it as nasty and hidden and vulgar and something only available at the lower rungs of society. A devastating time for me/ I feel so sloppy even a betrayer, a traitor against my class,my group but this is the only way I know how to fulfill my sex drive. I remember that I have a lover now who is not part of this life but still I allow the old life to seep in. I don't remember the details just that the dream takes place in Richmond, Denver and downtown Oakland when Capwells was still viable.
As I write I no longer recall all the details but there is an end and a resolution. I never got to work that day, never got the bath and change of clothes I needed,never really got the house cleaned up but I did wind up in command and in the end my dear friend Judy came in and asked if I wanted to get to a getaway island off the Carolinas. She was so tall and slender and her hair was straight and cut short and very close to her head.
This comes three days after I ran into Doc and Cheryl, Roland's brother and sister-in-law. Steve and I were doing Thanksgiving shopping and Cheryl and I met over the onion bin there at Safeway. I loved them all even though as the dream indicates there was so much shadow for me and my sex complex was totally in control and I destroyed much of my life although I did hold onto the job. Well I was deeply upset after-there are reasons that I pulled away and never returned and I didn't want those years integrated into the life I have now.
Roland has remarried and is happy!!! Living in San Francisco. I am sure his mother's answered prayers. This is beautiful and I am thankful for him and his life now.
At any rate Steve and I slept snuggled up last night something that we don't do now fifteen years in and I believe it was because of my closeness to him that I was able to have the dream and to benefit from the blessing and assurance of that dream.
I don't have to go back and I am capable of integrating my darkness into consciousness and therefore growing through all the chapters of life.
I have the past few weeks/months been reflecting on the experience of poor planning and poverty,etc that led to the failure of my plans to return to school in 1977 the time of the first Saturn return. I could not accept myself at that point and that led to Roland and those years
Maybe I will eventually write on all of those years and the loss and darkness and perhaps have something to offer for my time and space. Love to my Beloved Holy Mother of Tears!! If when she first showed up I could have turned to Her but alas I didn't yet know how not until all those years later when I went to St Joseph's did I encounter the type of spiritual instruction that I needed. I am grateful to be a Roman Catholic regardless of the unpopularity and the often, for me, offensive militaristic faith of some RC's. Abortion is the issue of the day and ultimately we should be able to support all life we are given but I still must stand with the young mother who must support herself and the children-if she cannot support a pregnancy I support her.

Friday, November 12, 2010

11/12/2010

So there is so much going on inside of me. Tonight out of the heavens comes this image of a fox and I know that I should look up fox/fox medicine. I am so surprised and then I see the book "Pioneer Women" about the European immigrants that may have contained some of the women in my maternal side. the book talks about the advertisments of the first corporate farms who advertised in Europe and the British Isles for cheap land in The US.
FOX: really that has only shown up in its shadow aspect-sneaking away with out paying debts and sneaking away form doing necessary chores,being sloppy and careless.
SOLITARY I think.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

11/10/2010

Today Courtney is twenty years old. She has friends over, they are loud or rather were but now they sound more relaxed. I don't like the men who came nor the energu and I really don't want them here and I will warn Courtney not to re-invite them. I love our home and family life and I am unwilling to have people who are rude or aggressive here in out tiny apartment.
I just want to lay around on the bed with the cats and read and listen to TV programs -rerun last nights programs-NCIS-NCIS LA-The Good Wife: I love Tuesday nights. Well I did watch all the shows and then I took a nap and I feel like sleeping more.
I was explaining to Steve that I need to walk with a little goal such as going to the store or going to eat or something like that. Steve really doesn't want to use the buggy anymore but I do. I may just start going by myself. I haven't walked at all since we got the JEEP and that is terrible and is starting to turn depressive and I also need the walking so that I sleep better at night. If I walk a couple of miles every day I can be much more relaxed about food.
Courtney is going back to Santa Cruz tonight with her friends. I think it is better if I don't know too much about her growing up. I just need to get across to her that she cannot continue to party all the time.

I just now got around to reading the daily scripture from Titus 3-and Luke 17 all about the healing power of god. Titus particularly moved me reminding us of how crude and obsessed we have been in our lives and really only are healed by the power of God in our lives through prayer. I know that before I had this turning I did pray for help to turn into a more loving, a more gentle spirit. I prayed for forgiveness as I saw that while I didn't get what i wanted or needed neither did my parents. I saw how hard life was for them pulling out of Kansas and starting again. They both had salable skills but they had no frineds and the people they had relied on betrayed them profoundly and then my sister and I turned up pregnant from taking care of ourselves the best we knew how. Tragedy tragedy-deep wounds and scars. Profound insecurity on my part. I wished that I could hold my parents and kiss them and tell them how much they are to me.

11/10/2010

Copying something I wrote in Huffington Post in regards to "homone therapy" that a doctor is recommending in today's HP.
One wonders why we need to medicate against aging. And one does wonder why we need to torture horses with a life much worse than any imagined Hell in order to keep us from aging. I use medicines from the big pharm companies and I am grateful but I don't see why menopause is so frightening. Perhaps because we can no longer be sex objects, because women have no point except for the lust we can inspire in men's hearts? I love being post-menopausal and yes I do have some of the age related medical problems that I would never trade for the uproar and chaos of my reproductive years,.
This is very truthful even though I do miss the sexuality. last week I orgasmed in a dream-the first one in ages because I require so long to become excited unlike the years of reproductive energy. I always thought that boys and men were the only ones to get "horny" but now I can understand that I was almost all the time when in those years but the conflict between my US protestant upbringing and my body caused such chaos and uproar that I never felt horny just deeply frightened. It was not until Steve at the end of those years that I finally felt safe enough to really enjoy my sex and my body. the sweetest reward for simply hanging in long enough to get to the top as it were. All the ideas about sex are ridiculous what is really important is to have the confidence in ourselves and for me that took years and years-look at my chart.

Monday, November 8, 2010

11/8/2010

I saw a look in the face of a blue fin tuna who was being murdered that reminded me of our kittens who are now fourteen months old. They have made me so much more aware of life and consequently I am so much more unwilling to add to the suffering of the world. This is not just a Christian concept but has come from all over the world. I have always believed that animals have souls never considered otherwise no matter what the "grown-ups" thought-I knew.
Somehow we don't need to kill each other but we also don't need to keep twisting the laws of nature to force nature into producing more life than we need or can support.
Strange right now on the TV is a piece on the marauding monkeys of Delhi where our President is visiting. Our president in India talking about how outsourcing is good for India and the US. Well he is making very clear who has hired him-the Globalists.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

11/06/2010-evening

Last energy getting ready to climb in the bed after removing the sweat pants so that i won't sweat. Strange day and Steve and I are hear alone. I am enjoying kowing that we are responsible for anything that needs cleaning or repalcing!! How ownderful to have no need to assign blame.
Watching Kung Fu Panda and enjoying the break.

11/06/2010 Return to St Joseph's

So I have been thinking so much of Fr.George and Sr. Evelyn and believing them lost to me with the change of the parish after the loss of Fr.? who had a heart condition and who died not too long after serving the prison time for standing on government property at the School of the Assassins (Schoool of the Americas) I was angry with St Evelyn for chastising me and shunning me and then blaming me saying that I was too pushy and yes I see from her view that I was so loud and demanding when from my view I was just pushing through my insecurity and feelings of inferiority. I was so excited to realize that God loved me and that God loved me through Mary, The Mother of God. I was so excited and thrilled and relieved. I didn't feel very lovable after what I had been through- the darkness and destruction and violation and betrayal that not only had I experienced but I had been the author of this darkness in the life of my children and people whom I loved and I felt violated by my parents and yet I was the one who violated them and took my place by Wayne rather than chasing him away-yew!! I was unable to be my own father at that time and I got royally whupped. there was enough parenting in my childhood that I was able to straighten out once I got through the first Saturn return but WOW there was so much rage and outrage in me. I was a real outlaw girl-weak and unreliable and there I was mother and wife and trouble for the families that I married into. I learned. I found a government job and stuck it out. I was always too unstable to get promoted above the EW work-definitely do not work well with others but I was known as a work horse with absences and I often loved my job.
At any rate I have been wanting to reach out to Sr Evelyn and looking up St Joseph the Worker I discovered that I could return. I am ready to live in the Church as long as I need to rest. Hopefully I will be of service to others while I am there "resting".
I don't care anymore about the "Truth" not in the way I did when I was young. I love taking part in the Catholic tradition and learning that history and faith and I KNOW that always the final word is between God and the Holy Spirit within- the New Creation.
So I am willing to let myself be guided, well, I am willing if I can "see" in time when a learning moment has arrived. With me I am so often learning a lesson years later because I am energetic, nervous and headstrong.
I wish that I could link up with civil rights workers in the Catholic tradition. Liberation Theology-finding shelter and food and learning for those who for what ever reason ended up behind the door when the goodies were distributed. MC/IC in my chart all about the need to scratch up survival goods and do this as a career,a way of expressing myself in the world-I always was in love with Christian poverty. Jesus loved the lowlifes and so have i although I hated trying to live there had to get out and talk about my own interests and talk to my loved ones in my way and live by my own rules.

11/06/2010 blog of MSNBC sponsers-to boycott

following the outrageous firing of Olberman and Chris Hayes by MSNBC I need to boycott and this is the safest place for the list at this point:
net Waves, Inc.

Toyota
Verizon
Nutrisystem
Avis
AIG Term Life
Coldwell Bankers
Venus Breeze
O’lay
Jimmy Dean Sausages
lawyers Weitz & Luxenburg, NY
Sudafed
Video Professor
Natural’s Cat Chow, Purina
Merneke Car Care Center
Am. Express
Travel Companion on CNN
Crystal Light
Infiniti Car
Vonage Phone
Dyson Vacuum
Eharmony
Cepacol
Hyundi Car
U.S. Buildings
Boeing
Progessive.Com
Direct TV
Colonial Penn Life Insurance
Indulg-a-Bath
Stop IRS Debt
HSBC Direct Financial Inst
U.S. Airforce
Aleve
Progresso Soup
Subaru
Spiriva
Cooking Lite
Steak-umns Burgers
Infiniti
Scalpcin
Mama Lucia Meat Balls
Sea Bond
Financial Freedom, reverse mortgage
eDiets Meal Delivery
Aqua Velvet
Citracal
Mr. Clean
Chemistry.com
Bayer Products
Old Mutual Investment
Rogaine
Verizon (Both)
Geico”net Waves, Inc.

Toyota
Verizon
Nutrisystem
Avis
AIG Term Life
Coldwell Bankers
Venus Breeze
O’lay
Jimmy Dean Sausages
lawyers Weitz & Luxenburg, NY
Sudafed
Video Professor
Natural’s Cat Chow, Purina
Merneke Car Care Center
Am. Express
Travel Companion on CNN
Crystal Light
Infiniti Car
Vonage Phone
Dyson Vacuum
Eharmony
Cepacol
Hyundi Car
U.S. Buildings
Boeing
Progessive.Com
Direct TV
Colonial Penn Life Insurance
Indulg-a-Bath
Stop IRS Debt
HSBC Direct Financial Inst
U.S. Airforce
Aleve
Progresso Soup
Subaru
Spiriva
Cooking Lite
Steak-umns Burgers
Infiniti
Scalpcin
Mama Lucia Meat Balls
Sea Bond
Financial Freedom, reverse mortgage
eDiets Meal Delivery
Aqua Velvet
Citracal
Mr. Clean
Chemistry.com
Bayer Products
Old Mutual Investment
Rogaine
Verizon (Both)
Geico”
I may not be in the market for a new car but I can do something plus I can sign petitions and write in.
I hate that only the likes of Joe Scarborough and his fellow hating liars are safe. Randi Rhodes says that we have no idea what is coming when Comcast takes over-will I guess we have a taste-I "read" somewhere that Comcast and MSNBC are signing the final pages of their deal.
This has shaken up my prayerful heart AND I know that the ones I have loved the most in the Church were VERY active politically but I am not as calm as I was having gotten caught up in my fighting mode. Mars & Venus in Taurus rising with Aries rising I am easily excited.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

11/04/2010

Two full days of a prayerful heart. I know this sounds shallow and superficial but I have not had two days of willingness to pray and center my heart and mind on God for years now.
I quit my Rosary practice and daily prayer after my mother and sister came to live with us about what? ten years ago. I was angry with sister Evelyn for shaming me about where I lived and shaming me for reacting to the shunning that she and the other RCIA woman did the day that we were the only ones who showed up for Mass. I definitely needed to learn humility but I now see that "they" had some lessons in humility as well. Why ignore me when there were only three of us. Why not say "Clymela, so and so has had some terrible news and I need to focus on her." If handled that way I would not have felt so shamed and angry.
I had a hard time once I realized that going to church is another social gathering and is covered by all the strictures that one finds out in the world. I didn't realize that going to church is not the same as morning devotions. I did not realize that this is something we do for each other and that the important thing is to help others feel safe and encouraged and supported. I was so caught up in the glamor of conversion and I wanted to show off. I see that now here in my mid-sixties. I still needed to go back "into the world" to do some research.

I am so grateful for the link to St Theresa of Liseiux. Her untitled prayer touches me so deeply "what is praised on one occasion is denounced on the other" and "You,my Lord and my God, are unchangeable for all eternity". It was in those words that i was able to stop running that I could at long last rest. Her ministry-to love each other and all of our lives, everything we encounter, to celebrate God in all of our small and personal daily lives.
I don't see how I could have worked this out for myself. The political world is just insane right now. The corruption in society and law is so strong almost overwhelming at this point.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

11/03/2010

Well!! I "remembered" writing this morning but I don't find any thing nor do I find it in the history. Guess that I didn't write.
I had another repressed memory come bubbling up to the top. Now I can't even remember but I will remember what it was and once I write it down and see to it that I remain conscious of the experience I will be free of it and the karma associated with that. I draw closer to my own understanding of God and I feel more at peace and increasingly willing to accept the deep longing in me to live in relationship to my understanding of God. I don't think of god having a relationship to me but I do have a relationship to the inner sense of a smiling,warm countenance that is ALWAYS happy to see me, is always welcoming. I turn to this over and over and I have I think maybe all my life. This is how I know God and this is what encourages me to love more,to love more smoothly.
I don't always feel in touch nor do I always feel "spiritual" but whenever I turn to this countenance I am welcomed.
At any rate I started praying when I was so sick and I was so frightened by how habitual my use of Norcal has been. I don't know what I was thinking but I just came to a place of consciousness of expecting to use the drug everyday and to rely on the happy energy brought to me by the drug and the relief of the arthritis/rheumatism aches and pains or whatever I would have used Advil,etc for but which I cannot now that I have to use the cuamedin for the a-fib. Well I definitely am into some troubling patterns and I do get a sick feeling if I stop suddenly. I am assured that I won't do a "low bottom" drama but I do want to change the way I live and prayer was right there in my life and then as I wrote yesteerday St theresa of Lisieux just showed up. I have never been one for following saints but I am now. Her untitled prayer is on my screen saver and i love to read it:

My Lord and my God I have realized that who undertakes
to do anything for the sake of earthly things or to earn the praise of others
deceives himself. Today one thing pleases the world, tomorrow another.
What is praised on one occasion is denounced on another.
Blessed be you, My Lord and my God,for you are unchangeable for all eternity
Whoever serves you faithfully to the end will enjoy life without end in eternity. Amen

I was swept away by my understanding that I could turn to that smiling countennence that I sense within and that I turn to in a innocent trust and if I come to do this regularly I will grow strong in resolution AND I do not have to make a public success, I do not have to make a fortune it is enough if O choose to love daily and to share my experience of the smiling warmth within so that those who know me know that which is within me.

I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of feeling inferior. I was inferior and so what!! I believed that I had to be better and that is what caused all the trouble. If I could have stayed home and tended to my own garden I would have known deep peace. Well that is behind me now and right now I am willing to choose to love and to serve and relax in the assurance that it is enough that I want to live close to God and that I want to serve the power to love everyone all the time. I don't even know what that means really but I will find out and I will write about it.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

11/02/2010-the evening

11/2/2010 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR ROBERT

So I was passing time going through the religion section of Huffington Post and came to a little piece on St Therese of Lisieux and I was knocked over by her mission which was to do everything in daily life to express the perceived love of God for us. I was just so startled becuase this is right in line with my desire to communicate how the small things the overlooked things are the very foundation of our lives and then when I was discussing this with Rev Green he pointed out that this is the basis of Weslleyism-everything to be done for the Glory of God although I must say in my experience there was never much joy with the Methodists which is why St Therese of Lisieux seems to be more full of joy and love. Perhaps that is because she never had to feed a family and support the family,etc. I don't know but I am drawn to St Therese of Lisieux and I will be searching out more information-I know she is the Saint of the Little Flowers.
I have never before been drawn to saints except the myths of our dear St Mary Magdalena.
I take this as a gift from Robert on this anniversary of his birth. I still miss him and would love for him to have met Steve. I loved him and was not ashamed to be spiritual with him and although he never spoke of his faith I knew that he sang the Mass daily and he never wavered even though he was so bright and was able to see the mistakes of the Church Fathers.
I am thinking that now I have something to study and that I will be blessed in this although of course not exempted from my duty as a family member and citizen.
Serving God in these little ways and anonymously will be just the path to draw me out of the morbid focus on these late years and the death that awaits me. I can now begin to learn how to do everything for the love of Jesus God.
I don't have to speak of this-no this is not done for the glory of this ego, this personality but is taken up for the love of God and Robert and for the love of family and friends and, I pray, for the love of humanity.
i see this also as the answer to my obsession with politics and the struggles of humans to get what they think is needed. I will always be involved but I am so grateful to be reminded that there are other paths through the world.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

10/27/2010

Pat C. in Virginia just sent me a link for making vegi bouillon which will be such an assist when cooking mostly vegetarian as I do these days. I often roast some chicken pieces for Steve and Courtney since they do look forward to some type of meat-myself I am usually very happy with what might seem to be side dishes.
Another recipe from that link-stuffed pie pumpkin. I have been wondering what to do with the little pumpkin I picked up because their round orangeness just appeals to me. I am looking forward to cooking pumpkin cheesecake for Thanksgiving and I will need to produce at least one plain pumpkin pie because Aimee loves them. courtney said that I could not go to Buffy for the holidays because she and brother depend on my cooking for the high holidays. Music for the grandmother's heart.
At any rate I can't use the cranberries due to the cumadin required by the a-fib. but I can use regular stuffing vegis and perhaps a little brown rice to very good effect I think and then I will roast the chicken thighs for Steve and Courtney and any of her friends that might be here and we will have gooood food and our hearts will be full of prayers of gratitude.
When Julie was here I wanted to cook for her but she was not open to that. she is tall and slender at age 70. She scurried up the hill side like a young goat when we were returning from Chinese lunch. We met in OA but she has risen above the years of chubbiness and returned to her native ranginess.

This is important to me because I would never be happy not cooking and I love to make people happy with food. I don't want to not do this. I also love having the house full of people even though sometimes I retreat to our room and close the door still I love people around and I don't particularly like being alone. My chart implies that I will die alone but knowing me that will be because I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. But we don't know really what that means.

The state sent a check for one months work-wonder why they didn't pay all three unpaid months. Steve will call the reliable Lilly Chin today to see what's up. We need to pay 11/2010 rent now and we need the owed money to do this. This is also the beginning of the money months-birthdays and holidays and every year after the Christmas tree comes down I promise to save for the following year but I never do since I always seem to need every penny I can gather. Forever childish I think although even here I do see that I have matured and changed. I love luxury and I am always ravenous for some big treat and I spend the money as soon as I have access to it. I am in fact so greedy for luxury that I have often reneged on agreements to repay loans so that I can have some luxury whether that be good food or pot or give money to loved ones-I just love that feeling of having more than I need an endless pot of gold there at the end of the rainbow.

Another point is that I have rarely had as much money as I needed for my middle-class values. I never received child support except for the $100 after Gerald and Catherine dumped Aimee back on me in 1986 and broke her heart and left her vulnerable to all the social traps and pits of lower middle-class kids in Oakland. God how awful for her and she ended up with Raphel-a cheap father-figure for a troubled and frightened girl whose mother was absolutely out to lunch-I had to relieve my own adolescence really stuck at age 16 for decades just over and over the sexual trauma the social trauma, the personal despair-creating a real life for myself that I was absolutely unable to support-twanged beyond repair should never have had children but that is the story and I need to find something new to say with those pieces, those scraps of fabric. \\I pulled into myself put my head down and said that I would do it all myself and of course I could not be my own history, my own community-I couldn't face my own family created from my own desire.

This story goes on and on inside and there doesn't seem to be any reference to surviving personal failure. I wanted the priests and nuns to absolve me but of course they cannot and I fear the diminished appearance of my potential when "they" realize the depths of my failures. AND.....I no longer believe that the "Church" can relieve me of my burden. I am not "Catholic" I wasn't born into the tradition nor was I brought up in the tradition. I love sharing the outside traditions with Steve and these have firmed up our relationship but I am an outsider,protestant to the core and part of the complete unraveling of both sided of family-no cousins,one sister and our children sown all over the country side all of us living for ourselves and so I have made up a stage of togetherness, of people safe inside their own traditions and I love to renew the props-to cook and clean and organize and serve and share and again forget about the darkness of the hole in my ground where family and tradition once lived. I was born at the end of the Box story and most of that story I will never know and really at the end of Simon/Chalfant story as well. Most of the stories went with Mama and I only half listened and I was most of the time not even in Colorado and Mama was just so angry and then we find out that she too had been compromised and had to give her first child up for adoption and something deep in her was wounded,rejected. UMHHHHH for a long, long time.
The day is calling-Aimee for money, the kitchen for cleaning, the rent to be mailed, the landlord to be called,etc. Hope that I get back to this tomorrow.

Monday, October 25, 2010

10/25/2010

I made. I made something so nice and so really delicious. "well I did this and this is beautiful and this is how I am able to drop weight and enjoy life very restricted and I also at the same time scold myself. I have never figured out how to record the foundation of our lives made up of all the myriad items that make up our ground of being. I saw so clearly how it is the homemaking the cooking and nursing and cleaning and ordering and shopping that are what make our reality from which.
Okay here is the recipe for the black bean soup. Really good with baguette and evoo.

soak about 2 cups of black beans in the usual manner. Drain after they cool and rinse.
Start cooking with a bay leaf cover the beans with twice the water needed to cover
When beans are about half done begin to chop and then saute onion, carrot, celery until limp. Saute in evoo and also saute several coves of garlic shortly before the other vegetables are done. NOTE: use more vegetables than when just cooking beans. Add the vegetables to the beans and add good quality bouillon and cook until the balck beans are soft adding water/stock until the black beans are soft-oh! and salt and pepper while cooking the beans.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

10/24/2010-Sunday

The first rain of the season. Our yearlings are simply horrified and I believe that they are sad at least they seem to be and they are asleep and they have eaten so much today. the big white one, Prince Pookie and his sister, Pincess are sitting on the window ledge taking turns cleaning each others faces. Steve took photos. We are so blessed with these little cats Pookie, Pincess,St.Hunter and Bootz and Bebe has not only allowed them to live here but she has gone to some trouble to teach them cat manners.
I am thinking of Joyce. Thinking that since her daughter April never responded to my e-mail that perhaps Joyce is not dead. I guess this is because I didn't talk to Joyce for months after our last argument. I thought there was time and I guess that I was wrong.

Friday, October 22, 2010

10/22/2010

So up early full of aches and pains that come these years with rain and weather change. a light rain came in the night time and the forecast says rain and storm all weekend long-whee!!!!. It has been years since winter came early and there was real rain and threats of flooding in the spring. Well it seems that way to me.
Full moon at the end of Aries on my ascendant 6th house Sun and 12th house Moon actually right on the asc/dsc line. Inspired to write about the background folk, the mothers and wives and relatives who clean the house and do the laundry and cook but not the celebrity cooking but the kind that keeps us ready for the world-the quesadias and soup, the fast track pasts,etc. And then the desire to reach out and help young ones gathered on Telegraph and Shattuck find a way back into the mainstream of life..I am not a member of the America's middle-class but I do know that these kids are suffering because they want to be part of daily life. They want to get a job and to go to school and just be part of daily life from which they are excluded.
One of Courtney's friends hasn't been to school since she was 14. she is terrified and angry and doesn'tknow where to turn. Rev green was here yesterday to help but she didn't show up. I have learned about Job Corps and Vista although the Rev reports that Job Corp is heavy on getting the kids into the military.
This is also the time that I can organize the everyday cooking classes-life can be so much better is one knows nutrition and cooking. Food remains relatively cheap if one knows how to prepare food.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

10/21/2010

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Dear Ann Ramenofsky!! 68 today!! Boy! how we are growing up fast now dear one.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Oct 18,2010

Okay so I was wondering what the Universe wants me to do and viola!! Courtney and her friends are here making themselves at home and sharing their experiences through Tarot readings and astrology and talk and one of her friends like herself just didn't get schooled nor was she mothered just left on her own. these are the children we see on the streets in Berkeley and over at People's Park. I know that "we" should be helping these children and I don't even know where to start. god I wish that I was a social worker, a community worker.etc.
Well now is the time to begin. Rev Green will be over today and I am going to introduce him to Jenna so that he can give us some tips on getting her ready for the world.
I am so lit up-I just didn't realize what was going on with Courtney, just didn't see how really left out she has been-left out and ignored and denied any real opportunity to keep up jeez any real opportunity to get in the game of life and these beautiful young women are just sitting on the sidelines watching wishing that they could get in the play but they don't know how.
Whew what a relief to not have to stay forever in the confines of premature maternity or youthful maternity which still hurts so much that I am terrified of it. I don't have to spend the rest of life with Lisa and Shawn and my inability to mother them and protect them-failure at age 17 utter failure and I can leave that behind now. Thank you FatherMother God-I suffered long enough in that garden and I can step out now into life and get to work. I am really interested in this-how to help these girls get a grip and get through the "make-up" work so that they can proceed into a life of meaning and money and plans and dreams.
I am really lit up inside thinking about this and I feel as if I have been released. I do not have to work forever on my maternity but rather I can work "in"my area of strength and expertise: the gaining and nurturing of consciousness. At last maternity is only part of the whole not the entire range of being. At last my childrren are now grown and mature and Courtney as much as I have always been in her life is not my daughter rather she is my granddaughter and I am freed from the restrictions of maternity. I can now focus where I love to use my talents-in the recognition of the importance of consciousness and in the nurturing of consciousness as the very foundation of life. Whoooo! this is the meaning of the trine from Sun&Mercury in the second in Gemini trine Neptune in the 6th retrograde in Libra-spiritual "work" and all of it grounded in the primary lessons in the home and family.
Okay-I resorted to the pain meds yesterday and felt better for it but I used literally a third of what I used in the past. Tricky stuff and hopefully once I am fully recovered from the virus I can go days without using the pills. Everyday I must remind myself and work to change my patterns of toxic introversion and isolation. Back to school indeed. SF State still offers free education for old people and I am going to look into this because I need concrete instruction on community organizing and outreach.
Here is the answer to Father Scanlon: I am reaching out a friendly hand to those girls on the meat market or at least to those girls who haven't been mothered nor encouraged

Sunday, October 17, 2010

10/17/2010

I have been down for almost two weeks with a flu that left me so sick with exhaustion,depression, aches and pains, and a terrible sweat that came and went rhythmically. I had no appetite and couldn't bear to drink the fluids that virus demands. I seriously thought that I might die. I mean my sister is in 4th stage lung cancer and my old friend/sister from whom I was estranged died in September and of course my daughter and first grandchild are now dead-death is the season and of course it is time for me to admit it and let that brutal fact address me. Flu is so effective a tutor-I got all my lessons and now I am returning to the upper world and physical strength and normal appetite.
I have been struggling with my doctor who insists that I was using WAY TOO MUCH Vicodin. As she said I was using as much as a cancer patient say 10mg.s every four hours or so (whew that is a lot,a lot) so we were on an adventure to get me to wean myself off. I wasn't making a lot of progress although I was willing to admit that I had a "problem" and I was tormented ( part of the healing I now realize)and I actually turned to prayer for help even hearing my "inner soul" say "don't ask if you don't really want the help!!". I had accepted that I needed help,didn't know if I wanted help, I really wanted more Vicodin but I sure as hell did not want to live in torment and the entire collective had jumped on the band wagon just to get me off the opiates-I mean even the president's administration is making a huge fuss through the DEA about the horrors of "prescription drugs".
I went through my monthly 70 pills so fast and used some of Steve's with absolutely no hope of getting more and there I was praying-I was so sick and I was definitely fucked up and I needed help and I asked for that help and I believed that help would come from whatever dimension beyond my consciousness that I was praying for.
First came the consciousness of just how intoxicated I was ALL the tie with the amount of vicodin I was using-way past what I actually need for the arthritis,etc.
THEN!!!...dum,dum,dum (sound of the heavy footsteps of reality) I was obsessed with the sins and failures of the past that I had never touched. It seemed as though I could never again stop picking those scabs. Over and over but this time "feeling"the true effects of my actions or inactions. Now my stuff is not light weight little vignettes of nasty temper or deviousness or jealousy. NO! I abandoned Sha
awn and Lisa and left them to Elsie and Ed to raise-I left everything to them. This time the weight of that was staggering and undeniable a physical fact. My beautiful Lisa is now dead taken out by pain and the very opiates I have been using although many more and much more sophisticated. I thought that I was doomed to just sit there with this self eternally and I accepted this although the pain and fear were very severe.
Then I remembered that I once stole some valuable property from a woman who was renting Wayne and I a room. I was startled, had not thought of this for decades and yet once it was remembered I was shocked by the realization that I may have destroyed a significant part of her retirement plans and for virtually nothing. This came floating out like something infected, like something from a boil. I was really shocked and shocked by the implications for my mortal soul and any hope of "high self-esteem", Forget that screamed my little heart as I accepted the thief and deceiver in me no hope of pop psychology here to bind up the wounds no this was serious, real tragedy and suffering and although I had been sinned against perhaps the fact is that I am no innocent and I was born with Moon conjunct Pluto. The mental/spiritual pain was so intense that I took double the amount of anti-depressants to simply prevent my going off the bridge. I needed the medication-this was intense pain and very frightening-I feared that I might lose my mind.
The confrontation continued for days as one after another sin came to mind. I was afraid but unable to talk to Steve or anyone else about it. I just said that I was SOOO depressed. In the time of suffering I used Rescue Remedy to help with the pain and shock of trauma (and I believe that the Remedy is important here)
Finally I started walking out of that dark wood-the physical symptoms of the flu relented and the emotional/mental/spiritual suffering abated and I used some of Steve's vicodin which certainly helped with the pain and I was SOOO intoxicated and not really feeling willing to live in that state any longer. When I got up I was so grateful to be able to cook simple soup,etc and to do some dishes and start to get the house back into control. I noticed that I was ravenous simply could not seem to get enough food. This went on for a couple of days and then I remembered my Workers Comp doctor telling me that vicodin makes one hungry and I thought "no shit the stuff gives me the munchies" and was relieved to return to my normal appetite when the drug wore off.
I just got up to eat and so much was going on inside that I don't know if I can get in writing and yet I want to get this down in prepartation for sharing this experience in the world in the way that I am called to do. I don't know how to do it and now I am distracted by food and TV-the food which is necessary the TV an obvious ducking of life.
At any rate I now understand that the sinful actions that I buried had sat in me festering like a cyst, driving me to drink and drug and eat and withdraw. During this "little death", the flu, this sore broke open and out popped the hidden knowledge (I saw what you did!!!)and I "confronted" myself with withering acceptance of my sin, the real stuff. (OOOH! I digress but I just saw that the "Church" is also wise as well as being dark and that the idea of monasteries and "nunneries" has profound spiritual/physical/mental validity-supporting a family is a full time occupation and there is hardly ever much left over for "charity" much less vigorous spiritual discipline and activity. those with a "vocation" are nurtured and supported by the Church in dedicating their lives to service and devotion. Whew what a relief after listening to the collective anger with the 'Church" and the clamoring that completely drowns out the light and any realization but the denial of all the "Church" represents. Whew!! I am glad that I 'saw" that and I can simply bow out of the war of words about what the Church should do or should have done. I even agree with the Pope, although I suspect he does not include himself here but I do-this is all of it the scandals and the buried issues, all of it is the result of personal sin/failure and can only be dealt with at that level but that of course will require a "rapture" or something at that level,something that brings us all to our knees from the highest to the lowest to accept and bear with the truth of our lives and to then become willing to live in the new life with our reborn selves.
I am tired now-this is the first time I have written and the amount of writing I want and need to do is too much for me and I have smoked some pot and taken a 5mg vicodin (oh! and by the way I have taken the medicine because I am not able to use the regular non narcotic pain relievers If I find that I continue to remain in a state of craving for more after taking this small dose I will then I imagine need to choose a life of pain and I am not clear yet on how to do that). I need to rest so that I can also cook broccoli soup today (Courtney brought home some good day old bread which will go so well with the soup). I remain in my householder consciousness and body even though I am utterly transformed which did not happen in a twinkling but for which I have struggled for most of my life-I have been seeking salvation a long, long time!)

Thursday, September 30, 2010

9/30/2010

Awakened today because the Pookie boy cat peed on me. I had been telling Steve that he no longer pees on the bed because I let him go out whenever he wants. Steve worries for his safety but I worry more about me. this morning as I wash everything on the bed Steve admits that I was right.

Weepy today!! the news of Joyce's death has caught up and I grieve. I loved her in the way one loves family-deep complex with more than a little shadow. I think that I always expected that we could clear things up and get back but now I realize that there was too much shadow between us. I should have cast her out of my life when Tom entered the picture but I could not. She was always the thin one the sophisticated one I was eternally the little sister to her. Now that is over without any input from me and I am weepy.

I dreamed that Amy brought Julie to see me. Amy was driving a huge car and driving fast. I don't remember any thing else.

Just let White Boy Pookie out. I pray that he is always safe out there and that my bed is always dry in here. By the way he only pees on my side.

This is the thought of the day and the thought of forever for Joyce and Lisa and my parents and Mr Comer and all of those I have known and loved



Dolores Ashcroft-Nowicki:

People often say to me, "You're 81 years old; where do you get the energy from?" and I say, "I get it from that wholeness." I move out in my mind into that immensity of space and there is that, that warmth, that sense of welcoming. And I imagine myself there. I place myself there and I say to this wholeness, "I'm part of you. I came out of you. I'm going to go back into you. And I love you. I really do love you, in the deepest sense of that word, because I'm part of you. And at this moment, I could do with a little bit of you, a little bit more of you. I need some of your energy." And Thorn, I can feel it filling me up, and then, when I come back, it's there for me to use.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

September 29,2010 MORE

So I do the dishes and prepare the mangos with which to make mango chutney. I prepare the roast beef for the oven and I plan hte rest of the meal in my mind-potatoes and green beans all easily prepared in the 2-2&1/2 hours. I am thinking all day long on and off of Joyce.

Well Joyce here is someone who loved you and is troubled and sad at the news of your death. You were so much fun. I am sorry that we couldn't go on. Really sorry you were so smart oh Mercury in Virgo. Yes your passing is not without notice-you made such a mark in my life dear one. You were cruel and hateful but you were also funny and so sharp. I loved your eye for color and light and balance. I remember when you studied photography and how I admired your sense of drama and wished that I could do what you did and that I could be thin like you were and that I could attract men the way you did.

September 29,2010

So Joyce is still gone. I will never again have her with her rituals and her attention to detail AND,equqlly, her refusal to notice that which didn't matter. Oh my!! she had a hand wovern Swiss (I think) red orange wool blanket with black trim.And she had golden curtains-cotton panels very plain byt perfect for the red ornge which caused me to remember the panels as peach. Her bed sat on a frame so that one sat or layed about four feet off the floor. We drank tea and coffe in the mornings and beer and wine later and we smoked tobacco and pot all daay long and Joyce used tranquillizers and sleeping pills. I didn't at that point although god knows I use some other stuff now in my mid-sixties.

This is worse than my father dying and my mother dying. Like it or not Joyce was my spiritual relationship. I felt poor and ragged and Joyce wasn't. She could type and straighten up the office and she had opinions and I had almost none. I studied astrology and was naturally good at that and then I went to school and I was good at that -well sort of. I think that I may have left Gerald for Joyce-can't say for sure but I think that is down deep inside me and Joyce could hurt like my mother and my sister could hurt me. Soon, I fear, all those women will be gone. I slip and call my daughter Buffy and we are both mortified over my mistake. I think that this error and my embarrassment comes because I have been too intimate with Amy (she spells out AIMEE)

I want to just lay around and soak up the news that Joyce is dead and I may be going to Tennessee to help my sister and will she come back and if she does where will Courtney go? And what about burial,etc? I wish we could go to Moscow but Mama and Daddy are not there-they are in Denver in the military cemetary and of course getting her to Moscow could cost a lot but the grandparents are there and the oldeer I get the more I feel like I am from there. I am part of what Mr Comer and Moscow sent out into the world.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

09/28/2010

Joyce has died. My old friend. we were estranged over her cruel words regarding me and my family. She complained about my redneck sister and my daughter and granchildren. she said that she was so ashamed of me and how I did or did not turn out. I always thought that we would talk again and I was wrong. I still love her one of the few who really loved her and now she has "shuffled off this mortal coil" or something to that point. I may have the words wrong.
And yesterday I heard that Kimmie has been busted by the DEA for buying pain meds on the black market-30 morphine which she didn't want and 30 Percosets which she does want. she has chronic pain arising from the meds used to balance her bi-polar conditions. I was heart broken and consulted my astrologer friends who set to work immediately but when I spoke with Kimmie just now she pulled me up a little by announcing to me that this is nothing, that Citibank says that she has 30 days to clean things up in order to keep her job. she has an attorney and the charge at this point is $2500. I was amazed that she was still continuing to judge my granddaughter for stealing Buffy's phone a couple of years back saying "well I come from the same kind of family no one pays for anything I have to do it all. However I know for a fact that she didn't come from the same type of family. Oh Well!! as Steve just said "we can't work with these people" I will have to turn them over to their Jesus and their right-wing politics and move on down the road. and I do believe with all my heart that one cannot be evolved spiritually and still keep to right-wing politics-I am part of the spiritual movement, Liberation Theology. Right now in south and Central America one can witness this movement bearing fruit.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

9/25/2010

Wont attempt a fancy date again-yesterday I wrote that it was September 224,2010 because I wanted to celebrate the day that I become conscious of what i want to do.

I had a friend who said that she was so ashamed of me for the woman I became. she was referring to my "red-neck sister", my sexless relationship, the drain on me by my daughter and her children,and my sitting in my rocking chair like an old black grandma. She was so horrified by my ghetto existence although I didn't see things that way. She went on and on and finally I gave up talking to her and then discovered in the sporadic attempts to salvage what was a decades long frindship that 1) most of the judgment was alcohol fueled and 2) she wanted me to come stay with her and 3) she was also always vicious and that had been my first instinct about her years ago when Amy was a baby.

I am writing that because in a way I was sitting on this egg-brooding. I was finishing up my final years as a welfare worker and I was tired and depressed. The turn this society took with "Welfare Reform" made me sick,literally sick, and I really had no choice but to carry on. I remember standing by the tiny grove of Redwoods and wild onions there on Marina Way South now desimated by progress with town housesand looking over at the office in which I was then working and wondering if I could continue to serve even though what our society was doing was class warfare-I remember James Carville saying at one point during the Republican witch hunt of Clinton and his miserable tale wagging,"Waell you drag a twenty dollar bill through a trailer park and you just don't know who you will catch!!" I wish I could duplicate his southern accent so you could feel the full antipathy in his words. I was shaken so deeply by his hatred and contempt. The attack on Clinton and the Democrats came from millionaires and billionaires and that son of Louisiana knew that but he chose to project all his hatred on the poor and to fuel class war. Well he ended up married to one of the most hateful and cruel women working for the Republicans!! What a joke!! And he felt free to denigrate poor women and their children.

So what am I writing? the story of poverty and the strugle to become conscious or a hymn to those who clean the house, cook the meals, wash the clothes, maintain the cars? this part of life of so help in contempt,over and over I have heard well that is just daily life and it is not worthy of comment and those whose lives are caught up in this the keeping of the house the raising of the children are considered small and constricted and not worthy of polite conversation. And I peasant that I am say well this is what supports all your polite conversation,all you journeys and dreams. It is only when we are warm and full and relaxed that we begin to look around for something more. For me it is this "background" that is so beautiful and even sacred and I want to write about it.

Perhaps it is the guilt i carry having let my beautiful,plump babies go to the grandmother to be raised because I was unable to. I was a mother at sixteen and again at seventeen. i had rejected my own mother-some deep issues there and turned to my mother-in-law who was beautiful and dutiful, the daughter of a viciously cruel abusive mother and who was to me the image of perfection and appropriateness but alas the huge explosion that was to come following my son's birth was apparent early on and she and her husband arranged to move far away and I was then on my own with only a couple of old high school friends and my husbands grandmother. I came flying apart endangering the children through neglect and they ended up with my beautiful mother-in-law where they were safe. Even my daughter told me later that she didn't blame me that if they had been with me they would have had it bad because I was too young and I had nothing to offer my children.

Oh my god the tears begin again. I will never I imagine stop weeping over this and this shows in my chart the Saturn Moon Pluto conjunction which is the inspiration for this book.

Okay enough for the moment i just want to but into writing that I have been steadily losing weight and I think this is becuase I eat all that I want in the morning and I do mean whatever i want although I do attempt to keep my choices to natural even vegetarian food but I really eat. I eat around lunch time and then as the day passes I eat less and less and end up the day with nothing or with simple food such a a bowl of cereal or soup. This and the walking seems to get me back to my natural shape. the walking is very hard on my knees but it sure does make this little mesomorph sing.

Friday, September 24, 2010

September 224,2010-Friday and payday at the County

Lit up today around what feels like a denigration of housework and wifeness and motherhood. Will on Starlight News making fun of women (older women). I just lit up-progressed Mercury on the IC of my chart-18 Cancer-A hen scratching the ground looking for food to feed her progeny-I am here to sing a song about mothers and wives and ordinary everyday women picking up after the husband, the children and the children grow up and leave and don't even like us at least until we are old or die.

I have had it both ways: I ran from my childhood marriage and left those beautiful,golden babies to be raised by another strong woman a woman who never complained who did her chores and made sure that the family never even thought of their daily needs they were so completely realized.

I came to see in maturity that indeed it really didn't matter about the husband. Even though I am now married to my perfect husband at least in the heart we are married but not legally still I now realize that it was the wounding of my maternal instinct that caused all the trouble and this wounding was a family inheritance-the women in my mother's line DID NOT LIKE maternity. Pregnancy and childbirth and the resulting children were seen as burdens and my father's mother had only one leg and was married to an ex-con, wrongly accused and convicted and very old then.

Well that is not a very lucid description of what I want to get to. I keep thinking of the women i know who were sold into marriage some even before they could talk by family arrangement. they were not happy in fact some even had to run away but they kept on with the keeping of the house and the caring for the children and this part of life is hidden in plain sight because we denigrate mothers and motherhood and women and wives. This is the Feminine right here with us and we need to become coscious of this and learn to praise this and sing songs to the Mother and to the wives and mothers as we are here today

I find it so sad that only the right-wing Christians really stand up for the mothers and wives. That even now when we should be knowing better the Lefties continue to cry out for women's equality in the workk place rather than crying out for us to recognize the beauty and warmth and safety of the home, the hearth, the beauty brought to us by the mothers and wives tending to the private life that goes unrecognized unappreciated.

So many times I have heard form others that the daily life is not worth conversing over. I remember one friend replying after I complained that she had not spoken of all the work she was doing in her house in order to put the house on the market. she said that that work was not worth talking about. she went on to say that her father always considered the personal,the domestic, the private not worth talking about. I was so surprised I imagine becausse I spend so much caught up in the domestic. The question of what we shall eat later today or when to go to the store or how towash something so that it is not harmed.

The stories of how my ancesteral mothers faced their lives has had such deep interest for me especially since I realized that the Simon women did not want anything to do with maternity. I want to go into why-maternal death and danger and pot-partum depression??

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Sunday, September 19, 2010

9/19/2010

The post I am sharing here was in the Huffington Post today and I was so moved by it that I want to keep it: this is NOT my writing. I thought that I had carried forward the author's name but sadly I have not. this understanding is so sweet to me so perfect for returning to in these days when judgment flies so freely. I apologize through prayer for not getting the author's name.


The answer to the ''problem of evil" can be found in most of the holy texts that have come down to us, through the ages. But it is a tough message to sell. Christ said (1 example) "judge not less you be judged" which prohibits our inclination to discern right and wrong. This in no way inhibits us from making social rules but it does enjoin us from making judgement about the evil of the lawbreaker. Not an easy task when dealing with some of the behavior that leads one to be incarcerated. But the message is clear and not subject to interpretation or clarification. Some philosophers, theologians, have put forward that this was a rejection of dualism. Simply put, everything is perspective. Please, do not interpret this as a rejection of society's role to enact laws and rules or the right to protect ourselves from those who break the rules, by incarceration. But He did say that the judgments were out of our hands and in those of His Father and I have found that He often communicated with parables but never with riddles.

This paragraph will be at the center of my meditations for a long,long time.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

9/19/2010

Amazing: Elizabet Warren appointed by President Obama comes from Oklahoma and is a Methodist as is Hillary Clinton.
The reference to John Wesley in one of her Wikipedia biography caught my imagination -part of my cultural heritage there on the plains_ I didn't sstay long enough to get to that and in Colorado there was nothing-relegated to the dustbins there and In Californis my first real connections was with the Catholics in the form of Catholic Worker commune. No one was talking real practical everyday Protestant theology and the development of the mind. Interesting. I was turned off by the Protestant Evangelical approach which only worked to give me a guilt complex-the come to Jesus and get your sins washed away doesn't work very well for children and young people. The young ones need thoughts to grow on and help meeting the obligations of life. Usually if things are laden down in Holiness the kids reject it.
I went just now to read on John Wesley and I felt again that creep up my back of boredom and lonliness of the Holy Way. However, getting away from the fored and boring writers I realize that many of the roots of the socialism that we need in order to live freely is right there in Wesley-the doing good things of building houses for the poor or the gathering of old glasses to send over seas to people who are too poor to buy corrective lenses, that one from my childhood Methodist upbringing.

Friday, September 17, 2010

9/18/2010

Moon i Capricorn and sun in Virgo: I am planting kale today. shocking day so far. Power blew out this morning around 5AM but cam back on around 7:00AM. We were very upset and wandered around in our new truck (90's Jeep Cherokee). We went to FoodMax a favorite with people I worked with-bright articulate multe-languaged women who speak Spanicsh perhaps born in Mexico. Couldn't buy anything perishable because we didn't know when our power would be back on. We spent about $50+

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

9/114/2010

Yesterday was the hardest day-I was awakened around midnight and could not get back to sleep and I was so restless and then Comcast again turned off our cable to get us to pay a bill that we do not yet owe-rather we should be paying now for 9/14/2010-10/14/2010 but they have owing all manner of stuff telling us that we owe them $587.65-I am not joking here. At any rate the day went from there and Steve and I trundled over to Copy Central and used their computers for the outrageous price of $8.50 or so 20 cents a minute.

Steve awake and how I love his sweet and loving presence-for me that is the secret of our long relationship- he is gentle and loving and tender and protective and refined in ways I marvel over. He has been my perfect lover for years and that is our secret much as my mother described the sex between her and my father.

Yesterday was as if a conflagration was burning inside of me: the images and thoughts of the San Bruno gas line explosion killing unsuspecting folks in their homes just at dinner time (6:10 PM?) and destroying the homes of so many others-PG&E now says that they have made $100 million available, no strings attached for those hurt by the explosion.

At any rate my sister has also been diagnosed with stage 4 small cell carcinoma in the lungs and is on oxygen and has a shunt so that she can easily be hooked up to the cancer fighting meds that will shrink the tumor and give her some time but even the doctor says that the cancer will return. she is being treated with drugs that are being tested-not backed by the government as safe and effective but there is hope that they will gain approval.

stopped writing to watch The Wire. last season with Steve. So good really good and there goes my attention for writing.

Pookie the white cat came home after being out all night and worrying me. He is asleep in his box right now.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sitting here thinking of Pluto after reading Judigem and Starlight on Pluto and transformation and thought of my own Saturn Moon Pluto that has troubled mee sso. I was hurt to the quick by Dana Gebharts shallow reference to us Pluto natives: "not the kind of people you want for a neighbor". reading that I fell utterly into the doubt and self-loathing the kind I learned from my mother. Well now I know why my mother so hated herself and good god she deserved a breeak and of course her parents died rather early in her life and she had to take over the family inheritance and try a build a family there.

I had been haunted by thoughts of my maternal grandfather as a molesting father in my efforts to become conscious of that conjunction-so central and provocative to my live especially my maternity. this morning I 'saw" that this is referring to the culture, the religion, the ethos of the culture had so rejected my mother that she had allowed herself to be seduced by someone who would never marry her and do the "right thing" by her and she had to face pregnancy and childbirth on her own and the child was given to adoption (that story just horrible-my brother Bill Green now deceased). At any raate she made every effort to see to it that I got the rules and followed through the right way but of course, Oh Brother Pluto, the truth won out and I do have a better outlook than I would have had if I had been able to stay in that culture (which is literally gone now either to death or migration of the young to places of employment).

Seeing this this morning has given me a freedom I have not had before. I can drop the disturbing images of my Grandpa Chalfant and accept the real life that image has contained within it. And YES!! my mother and myself did break free of those beliefs but we experienced such self-loathing from the consequences of our solitary rebellion against the cruel patriarchy-perhaps not that way for every woman but it certainly was for my mother and myself. I acted out her tragedy ( please!! my sister too had to act it out!! Well of course Mars,Saturn Pluto for her)

At any rate have said for years that I wouldn't even really come alive until 60 or so and sure enough the Sun is now in Leo by progression and sure enough the truth is shining through and the Sun brings his antibiotic action on the sepsis that had set in after the decades of self-loathing. Only now am I mature enough to "see" and to say "okay!! where to now?
Yes!1 the Sun is by progression exactly conjunct Saturn and will in the next few years move over natal Moon and Pluto.

Right now i notice in the progressed chart a square between Mercury and Neptune- time to consider that my love of mind altering substances whether pot or pain relievers or tranquilizers,etc is now interferring with my thinking and use of my intelligence-yep that seems to be the word these days. Progressed Mercury-well scratch thaaat. Review shows that the square happened about ten years ago around the time I joined St Joseph's Church-interesting. that was the pooint at which I began using anti-depressants when my grief over Clinton's Welfare Reform and what it was going to do to poor families almost brought me down. the drug ultimately caussed severe joint problems and I had to stop and eventually came to use Effexor which has been very effective.

Whoosh!1 I was off to look up the news about Wellbutrin and that n time led to a conversation with Steve who was very startled to hear that I use Effexor even though I have told him many times over the years. He said "geez!1 baby that is a super strong medicine" to which I reply "well of course!! I am one crazy woman!!" And reminded him of how hard I took Clinton's welfare reform-I loved welfare. It saved my life and I still believe/know that better welfare would save lives again. We are losing some strong and wonderful souls because they are homeless,etc and by the time they get back into safety it may well be too late for them to recover. Sooo I have been drugged since them and it may very well do me in in the long run-age changes how the brain responds.

Okay I think that I am done for now. Real food is needed by me. I cannot accept factory food nor can I accept factory chemicals in the house. I plan to make caldo-the chicken and broth are prepared and when I add the vegetables, cook some rice. chop some raw onion and cilatro I shall have caldo and I will feel very well thanks to the Rescue Remedy and the years of training as an astrologer and a mother and an office worker.

This is one of the absolute best times of my life even though death looms and I must find a way of coming to terms with it. As if one ever does I imagine-one just surrenders to the inevitable i guess.