10/17/2010

I have been down for almost two weeks with a flu that left me so sick with exhaustion,depression, aches and pains, and a terrible sweat that came and went rhythmically. I had no appetite and couldn't bear to drink the fluids that virus demands. I seriously thought that I might die. I mean my sister is in 4th stage lung cancer and my old friend/sister from whom I was estranged died in September and of course my daughter and first grandchild are now dead-death is the season and of course it is time for me to admit it and let that brutal fact address me. Flu is so effective a tutor-I got all my lessons and now I am returning to the upper world and physical strength and normal appetite.
I have been struggling with my doctor who insists that I was using WAY TOO MUCH Vicodin. As she said I was using as much as a cancer patient say 10mg.s every four hours or so (whew that is a lot,a lot) so we were on an adventure to get me to wean myself off. I wasn't making a lot of progress although I was willing to admit that I had a "problem" and I was tormented ( part of the healing I now realize)and I actually turned to prayer for help even hearing my "inner soul" say "don't ask if you don't really want the help!!". I had accepted that I needed help,didn't know if I wanted help, I really wanted more Vicodin but I sure as hell did not want to live in torment and the entire collective had jumped on the band wagon just to get me off the opiates-I mean even the president's administration is making a huge fuss through the DEA about the horrors of "prescription drugs".
I went through my monthly 70 pills so fast and used some of Steve's with absolutely no hope of getting more and there I was praying-I was so sick and I was definitely fucked up and I needed help and I asked for that help and I believed that help would come from whatever dimension beyond my consciousness that I was praying for.
First came the consciousness of just how intoxicated I was ALL the tie with the amount of vicodin I was using-way past what I actually need for the arthritis,etc.
THEN!!!...dum,dum,dum (sound of the heavy footsteps of reality) I was obsessed with the sins and failures of the past that I had never touched. It seemed as though I could never again stop picking those scabs. Over and over but this time "feeling"the true effects of my actions or inactions. Now my stuff is not light weight little vignettes of nasty temper or deviousness or jealousy. NO! I abandoned Sha
awn and Lisa and left them to Elsie and Ed to raise-I left everything to them. This time the weight of that was staggering and undeniable a physical fact. My beautiful Lisa is now dead taken out by pain and the very opiates I have been using although many more and much more sophisticated. I thought that I was doomed to just sit there with this self eternally and I accepted this although the pain and fear were very severe.
Then I remembered that I once stole some valuable property from a woman who was renting Wayne and I a room. I was startled, had not thought of this for decades and yet once it was remembered I was shocked by the realization that I may have destroyed a significant part of her retirement plans and for virtually nothing. This came floating out like something infected, like something from a boil. I was really shocked and shocked by the implications for my mortal soul and any hope of "high self-esteem", Forget that screamed my little heart as I accepted the thief and deceiver in me no hope of pop psychology here to bind up the wounds no this was serious, real tragedy and suffering and although I had been sinned against perhaps the fact is that I am no innocent and I was born with Moon conjunct Pluto. The mental/spiritual pain was so intense that I took double the amount of anti-depressants to simply prevent my going off the bridge. I needed the medication-this was intense pain and very frightening-I feared that I might lose my mind.
The confrontation continued for days as one after another sin came to mind. I was afraid but unable to talk to Steve or anyone else about it. I just said that I was SOOO depressed. In the time of suffering I used Rescue Remedy to help with the pain and shock of trauma (and I believe that the Remedy is important here)
Finally I started walking out of that dark wood-the physical symptoms of the flu relented and the emotional/mental/spiritual suffering abated and I used some of Steve's vicodin which certainly helped with the pain and I was SOOO intoxicated and not really feeling willing to live in that state any longer. When I got up I was so grateful to be able to cook simple soup,etc and to do some dishes and start to get the house back into control. I noticed that I was ravenous simply could not seem to get enough food. This went on for a couple of days and then I remembered my Workers Comp doctor telling me that vicodin makes one hungry and I thought "no shit the stuff gives me the munchies" and was relieved to return to my normal appetite when the drug wore off.
I just got up to eat and so much was going on inside that I don't know if I can get in writing and yet I want to get this down in prepartation for sharing this experience in the world in the way that I am called to do. I don't know how to do it and now I am distracted by food and TV-the food which is necessary the TV an obvious ducking of life.
At any rate I now understand that the sinful actions that I buried had sat in me festering like a cyst, driving me to drink and drug and eat and withdraw. During this "little death", the flu, this sore broke open and out popped the hidden knowledge (I saw what you did!!!)and I "confronted" myself with withering acceptance of my sin, the real stuff. (OOOH! I digress but I just saw that the "Church" is also wise as well as being dark and that the idea of monasteries and "nunneries" has profound spiritual/physical/mental validity-supporting a family is a full time occupation and there is hardly ever much left over for "charity" much less vigorous spiritual discipline and activity. those with a "vocation" are nurtured and supported by the Church in dedicating their lives to service and devotion. Whew what a relief after listening to the collective anger with the 'Church" and the clamoring that completely drowns out the light and any realization but the denial of all the "Church" represents. Whew!! I am glad that I 'saw" that and I can simply bow out of the war of words about what the Church should do or should have done. I even agree with the Pope, although I suspect he does not include himself here but I do-this is all of it the scandals and the buried issues, all of it is the result of personal sin/failure and can only be dealt with at that level but that of course will require a "rapture" or something at that level,something that brings us all to our knees from the highest to the lowest to accept and bear with the truth of our lives and to then become willing to live in the new life with our reborn selves.
I am tired now-this is the first time I have written and the amount of writing I want and need to do is too much for me and I have smoked some pot and taken a 5mg vicodin (oh! and by the way I have taken the medicine because I am not able to use the regular non narcotic pain relievers If I find that I continue to remain in a state of craving for more after taking this small dose I will then I imagine need to choose a life of pain and I am not clear yet on how to do that). I need to rest so that I can also cook broccoli soup today (Courtney brought home some good day old bread which will go so well with the soup). I remain in my householder consciousness and body even though I am utterly transformed which did not happen in a twinkling but for which I have struggled for most of my life-I have been seeking salvation a long, long time!)