12/27/2010

Just allowing the 12/25/2010 post stand as it is-today is 12/27/2010-the Christmas lines will suffice for that Christmas.
Still marveling at the upbeat within after years of soggy darkness perhaps the deepest depression I have had and I am prone to depression or at least I have been.
Saturn in the 4th is prone to depression at least in my case. Saturn square Mars in the first really shapes things: when ever I feel trapped by my own weakness there is the tendency to fall into depression. Yes, when ever I need to charge forward but don't because I am afraid or I feel inadequate to change I then fall into the depression mode. The last one was so overwhelming because the clash of impulses-to Mother on and therefore to provide shelter,nourishment and security for those who turned to me or to let go and just relax. Well I accepted a prescription for anti-depressants and soldiered on. Today I have a pension and SSA which I would not have if I had given into the impulse to let it all go and I have the experience of knowing that I became the "Old Mother" for my family although I also realize that A would have done better if she didn't have me to lean on.

I miss my natal family, my parents and my sister and Randy and Teresa and the little girls. Memories of wonderful Christmas that Buffy and Mama would put together. This year there were no friends, no breaking table, no stories and fun. The "company" was all Courtney's and they are so young that they are of no help in the feast.

Just burned up my beautiful 8 inch skillet perfect for sauteing-I have destroyed a lot of the cookware because I will put something on to warm up and then come in here to type a little and then look up later as the smoke billows in. I will of course scrub up the wonderful triple ply Cuisinart skillet but it will never be the same as before I left it on the fire while I wrote about Christmas.

I have really missed Barbara this Christmas-her conversation and friendly presence always brought so much and then Judy would come and others and we would talk and eat and drink a little. She was a wonderful friend and I imagine that I will always miss her and regret the way we ended (you remember, dear diary, that horrible day when I "allowed her to read my journal entry which included some unkind things about her son who was at the time on trial). she has not been able to forgive me and I do recall that she never contacted me when she moved to Colorado and with Steve's prompting realize that she never loved me as I loved her.

I "forgot" that day when we swapped journal entries and mine included the paragraph that begins: her son is a pure asshole or something to that effect. I remember Barbara saying "why are you calling Aaron an asshole?" and I said because he is and that was the living end of our "friendship". Barbara had even gotten to the point that she believed that her son had done nothing to the woman involved and I understood that he had literally beaten her up and threw her in his trunk and drove a long ways in the Bay Area with her as his prisoner. I thought that the six or seven years that he has been in jail was enough and I was sickened by the way the court personnel treat people who are the defendants like low level animals-like salamanders and snails,etc but I never thought that he was "innocent" or "not guilty". I think that the truth for me was that I was exhausted by the intensity of court visits and the intensity of my friends need to have her son be "innocent" and the intensity for me of keeping my "truth" locked up inside. So that wonderful friendship is over and there were no grown-up friends this year. I will need to work on this this year.

I know due to the teachings of that old man CG Jung that I "unconsciously" let Barbara know how much I considered Aaron responsible for his predicament. Only now am I conscious of the fact that he never expressed any remorse at all certainly nothing at all like a "mea culpa". I believe that things would have gone easier on him if he could have admitted what he did but all he and his mother seemed to care about is getting him free. I remember that I wrote a letter to the judge in support of Aaron because his mother requested that I do so. I thought that this seemed improper and asked if this was discussed with the attorney/judge,etc. Barbara assured me that this was cleared and expected and then just before the transfer to Oakland the presiding judge in Hayward said out loud from the bench that this action on out part was wrong and could have resulted in severe penalties but he believed that we were so ignorant of the law that he just let things go. As I write this I am thinking that it was this that demanded that the case be transferred to Oakland and that Aaron then needed to face his terrible position. Well as I have already written that friendship is over and I missed Barbara this Christmas and Steve missed her boyfriend/partner and that is that and writing all of this has cleared up some points in my mind and now I am free to think of new activities that have potential for leading me into new friendships.