11/04/2010

Two full days of a prayerful heart. I know this sounds shallow and superficial but I have not had two days of willingness to pray and center my heart and mind on God for years now.
I quit my Rosary practice and daily prayer after my mother and sister came to live with us about what? ten years ago. I was angry with sister Evelyn for shaming me about where I lived and shaming me for reacting to the shunning that she and the other RCIA woman did the day that we were the only ones who showed up for Mass. I definitely needed to learn humility but I now see that "they" had some lessons in humility as well. Why ignore me when there were only three of us. Why not say "Clymela, so and so has had some terrible news and I need to focus on her." If handled that way I would not have felt so shamed and angry.
I had a hard time once I realized that going to church is another social gathering and is covered by all the strictures that one finds out in the world. I didn't realize that going to church is not the same as morning devotions. I did not realize that this is something we do for each other and that the important thing is to help others feel safe and encouraged and supported. I was so caught up in the glamor of conversion and I wanted to show off. I see that now here in my mid-sixties. I still needed to go back "into the world" to do some research.

I am so grateful for the link to St Theresa of Liseiux. Her untitled prayer touches me so deeply "what is praised on one occasion is denounced on the other" and "You,my Lord and my God, are unchangeable for all eternity". It was in those words that i was able to stop running that I could at long last rest. Her ministry-to love each other and all of our lives, everything we encounter, to celebrate God in all of our small and personal daily lives.
I don't see how I could have worked this out for myself. The political world is just insane right now. The corruption in society and law is so strong almost overwhelming at this point.