So I have been thinking so much of Fr.George and Sr. Evelyn and believing them lost to me with the change of the parish after the loss of Fr.? who had a heart condition and who died not too long after serving the prison time for standing on government property at the School of the Assassins (Schoool of the Americas) I was angry with St Evelyn for chastising me and shunning me and then blaming me saying that I was too pushy and yes I see from her view that I was so loud and demanding when from my view I was just pushing through my insecurity and feelings of inferiority. I was so excited to realize that God loved me and that God loved me through Mary, The Mother of God. I was so excited and thrilled and relieved. I didn't feel very lovable after what I had been through- the darkness and destruction and violation and betrayal that not only had I experienced but I had been the author of this darkness in the life of my children and people whom I loved and I felt violated by my parents and yet I was the one who violated them and took my place by Wayne rather than chasing him away-yew!! I was unable to be my own father at that time and I got royally whupped. there was enough parenting in my childhood that I was able to straighten out once I got through the first Saturn return but WOW there was so much rage and outrage in me. I was a real outlaw girl-weak and unreliable and there I was mother and wife and trouble for the families that I married into. I learned. I found a government job and stuck it out. I was always too unstable to get promoted above the EW work-definitely do not work well with others but I was known as a work horse with absences and I often loved my job.
At any rate I have been wanting to reach out to Sr Evelyn and looking up St Joseph the Worker I discovered that I could return. I am ready to live in the Church as long as I need to rest. Hopefully I will be of service to others while I am there "resting".
I don't care anymore about the "Truth" not in the way I did when I was young. I love taking part in the Catholic tradition and learning that history and faith and I KNOW that always the final word is between God and the Holy Spirit within- the New Creation.
So I am willing to let myself be guided, well, I am willing if I can "see" in time when a learning moment has arrived. With me I am so often learning a lesson years later because I am energetic, nervous and headstrong.
I wish that I could link up with civil rights workers in the Catholic tradition. Liberation Theology-finding shelter and food and learning for those who for what ever reason ended up behind the door when the goodies were distributed. MC/IC in my chart all about the need to scratch up survival goods and do this as a career,a way of expressing myself in the world-I always was in love with Christian poverty. Jesus loved the lowlifes and so have i although I hated trying to live there had to get out and talk about my own interests and talk to my loved ones in my way and live by my own rules.
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