Yesterday I considered telling Cheri about these blogs but when I randomly read through I was shocked to read the litany of depression and anger and regret that goes on for word after word. I was really shocked and I have resolved to write more from love and anticipation. I really slipped into depression, full of negativity, wallowing in the past and unresolved issues with people some of whom are dead already. WOW!!!! I had no idea and I resolve to address this within myself. While it is important to be in touch with emotional reaction I have remained obsessed or so it seems to me today.
Why not choose love? Why not choose to look for the sunshine? And why not release all the hurt and shock and disappointment up to God where it/they can be disolved in sunshine and released into life as new life?
I just didn't realized how far I had slipped.
Today I am making the Chocolate Cheesecake-cheesecake always needs at least 24 hours and 48 will really work-I will make sure that the pie is wrapped up so that it doesn't pick up other scents. Tomorrow I may make a pie or perhaps Courtney and I will make the Cherry Delight which is essentially unbaked cheesecake-no eggs but all the other ingredients and topped off by cherry pie-filling.
Friday I make the rolls and the Carrot Cake-they need to be fresh. Haven't decided how to do the ham. I ended up getting a butt cut-the spiral cut sliced ones were gone and the other ones cost around $40 which is not in this year's budget (the desserts are costly and that is really what everyone is thinking about at least this is what I gather from our conversations.
I am thinking that perhaps this last depression is finally breaking up-years literally years of depression and medication that kept me on my feet even if the medication never really drives away the "blues". At any rate something has shifted along with the shift away from the compulsive eating and thinking of myself as someone who can't stop eating wallowing in that injured little fat girl I once thought that I was.
Last night I realized that my life is so much more than I ever thought it would be. Even though I failed and lost my way I just kept going, reaching for my potential. There is the lesson-how to go on even when all hope is lost. How to reach out for support and comfort even when all hope is lost. I felt such a thrill when I "felt" my life through the body of the little girl that I once was.
I love the smell of rainy season-all green and watery and mossy (and the snails out looking for a better place to live.)
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