11/10/2010

Today Courtney is twenty years old. She has friends over, they are loud or rather were but now they sound more relaxed. I don't like the men who came nor the energu and I really don't want them here and I will warn Courtney not to re-invite them. I love our home and family life and I am unwilling to have people who are rude or aggressive here in out tiny apartment.
I just want to lay around on the bed with the cats and read and listen to TV programs -rerun last nights programs-NCIS-NCIS LA-The Good Wife: I love Tuesday nights. Well I did watch all the shows and then I took a nap and I feel like sleeping more.
I was explaining to Steve that I need to walk with a little goal such as going to the store or going to eat or something like that. Steve really doesn't want to use the buggy anymore but I do. I may just start going by myself. I haven't walked at all since we got the JEEP and that is terrible and is starting to turn depressive and I also need the walking so that I sleep better at night. If I walk a couple of miles every day I can be much more relaxed about food.
Courtney is going back to Santa Cruz tonight with her friends. I think it is better if I don't know too much about her growing up. I just need to get across to her that she cannot continue to party all the time.

I just now got around to reading the daily scripture from Titus 3-and Luke 17 all about the healing power of god. Titus particularly moved me reminding us of how crude and obsessed we have been in our lives and really only are healed by the power of God in our lives through prayer. I know that before I had this turning I did pray for help to turn into a more loving, a more gentle spirit. I prayed for forgiveness as I saw that while I didn't get what i wanted or needed neither did my parents. I saw how hard life was for them pulling out of Kansas and starting again. They both had salable skills but they had no frineds and the people they had relied on betrayed them profoundly and then my sister and I turned up pregnant from taking care of ourselves the best we knew how. Tragedy tragedy-deep wounds and scars. Profound insecurity on my part. I wished that I could hold my parents and kiss them and tell them how much they are to me.