12/21/2010

Another day of 2's and 1's. I quit writing here because I realized that I am writng out my journal and suddenly I was VERY self-conscious and even took down some pages and filed them away. Not as if, of course, the crowds are digging around in the internet to find MY writings but you understand.
Also, I wrote here for months and even years for Joyce to read and I imagine that I am accepting her death. Her daughter April notified me but refused to respond to my email back and so I decided that perhaps Joyce was not dead but rather was screwing with me in reaction to Steve's blocking her from my computer-she would write the most hurtful things and I would get so sad-I wanted us to be friends but really she was "a secret enemy" as one psychic said. Strange friendship that I allowed I imagine in some twisted way to pay for breaking Gerald's heart by leaving him that summer of 1971 (2)? At any rate I denied the fact that this twisted and haunted sister-in-law had shuffled off and we never resolved anything and I never received her blessing and this is to me tragic and haunting and can never be redone now. She ended up in New York where I always wanted to be and she got there by supporting her daughter to realize her talents and intelligence. Joyce was so smart and so talented and there wan never anyone to support her and her mother was a snotty,shallow high school girl who never grew-up. I gathered from Joyce that her mother was plain old mean and bitter. I always thought that the mother must have gotten pregnant on purpose in order to tie Joyce's father to her and then grew bitter when she realized that he didn't love her and never would-this is all conjecture on my part no one ever said this to me. And so... I imagine that she is dead and will not be reading here anymore and I miss her miss the years of trying to break the code although of course the only solution to that puzzle is to walk away and NOT look back.

Chrismas!! This is the first time I have felt the excitement this year. In fact I didn't do anything until yesterday-no cash nor any credit available until yesterday. I couldn't get into the cleaning and preparing until this morning. I know that it is the presence of Arvin and Courtney that brought forward all the years' memories of excitement and anticipation and suddenly I feel happy and excited. Still dark outside but I am doing wash and cleaning the kitchen-tomorrow will be the time to start the baking in order to be ready for the Christmas Eve celebration.

Here is a copy of something I posted over on Starlight News:
at C.-as Pluto moves to my MC in the next few years I have felt the chill of the hate from the Corporatists-destroy Social Security and then bankrupt the states so that pensions such as mine are destroyed and people such as myself will be walking the streets in shoes with holes filled up by pieces of cardboard. And for those reading who don’t have pensions now I just want to say that I and public service employees like myself paid hundreds of dollars every month into the pension plan and we were paid at a lower rate than those in the “private sector” with similar levels of responsibilities because the County was also contributing to our pension fund. The Corporatists have done a very good job of making us the civil servants sound like lazy, non-working cheaters but really I worked myself into a heart condition as so many other workers have unlike the likes of say-Mitch McConnell.
There!! I will now leave the pity-pot and someone else can climb up here. I think that I probably do hate Republicans now and all their vicious cruelty. What amazes me is the citizens who really are struggling right and yet will listen to the hate mongering that passes for Republican political message of hope with a plan for the future. I also wonder what to think when Obama seems to disdain the likes of me when I am the type who voted for him. Bah humbug!! thank god/goddess for my family and friends and all the sweetness I have encountered out in the world this Christmas season-really!!! People look tired but they are so kind and warm up close.