First I wanted to write about greed and seeing how greed is what blocks us from having enough. We always have enough but the belief that we need more is what drives us to consume as we reach always for perfection and the perfect expression of "more".

then I wanted to write about my swollen ankles something that I have never had. Terrifying swelling to me the look of the "elephant legs" that I would see on clients as I made IHSS home visits in the early 2000's that I later learned was a symnptom of heart failure and the doctors said that my A-fib could hide a blood clot and that perhaps I had the beginning of heart failure. heart failure? Could this have come on due to the Vicodin use? Always the guilt!! Fear of dying, my mortality!! Too young to have heart problems

And then.... I thought of my father and looked at his chart although I don't know bout the time of birth so I used 10AM based on his saying that he was born in the morning. what a beautiful chart and I could plainly see our area of entanglement which revealed to me his sadistic streak although he was too highly evolved to be really cruel. His Venus at 5+ Pisces and Mars at 14+ Virgo= His T-square become my experience of my father. I feared him and hated him although I was proud of his handsomeness and strength and talent to sing and swim. I in the end resolved the issues by getting pregnant at 15 (not so weird really since I began bleeding at age 9 years. Nevertheless I had a boyfriend from a more stable,successful family although of course low middle-class as well. I so wished that i could have known all of this before his death but ALAS!! I am only now understanding.
My father was a true introvert who loved animals and children and to loved to work. He was so skilled and had so much to share but as Roy Kenoier said "he was crazy".
My father was a good man. There was never any hint of sexual impropriety, there was absolutely no abuse of any kind accept of course for his temper which our mother could handle. He drank too much once and got drunk and made a fool of himself and my mother took the keys and threatened him with abandonment and that was the end of that-I never saw him drunk again. He was very clean and took great pride in his appearance his morning grooming ritual was part of our life.