Friday, December 30, 2011

12/30/2011

Well I can't really write friends and family: what I am dreaming and thinking are not really subjects for social interaction rather they are more individualized analysis of relationships and philosophy and religious issues.

I was so shocked by my response to her death. I hadn't thought of her as the last of my natal family and I sort of realized that I was unhinged,floating through eternity into the vast silent black psychic sky-The Void. I WAS OVERWHELMED!! I was shocked speechless by Buffy's death. She was always my lynch pin except for the period of our twenties. I thought that I was better than my sister a message I received from my mother. Now in my sixties I think that my mother projected her shadow onto Buffy and Buffy got a lot of hurt and ongoing pain because of that. I didn't realize this when I was younger and in fact there was quite a bit of withdrawal from the people in my daily life by the time I was pretty young-I developed ways of not knowing anything pretty early and hunkered down round my own make believe and Buffy and I were just getting used to knowing that we loved each other and that we needed each other and then she got sick and died and I was left behind and I have been changed by this and the fact that I will be 65 on my next birthday. I simply didn't believe that I came in alone and I will also leave alone. I know that this is almost cliche or at least the way we use the words.
I think that I am coming alive again and in a way I will never be a child again. Puer, so strong in me, is at last defeated. I was so frightened of this development that I have been depressed and I have wondered if I am not a little suicidal or at least I was for a moment there.
I am going to lay on the bed.

12/30/2011

Caitlin Matthews who in her photo appears, to me, to be standing in the middle of the 19th century in Ireland in a thatched roof cottage has a wonderful essay on the Heirophant. She brings all the beauty of the culture captured in tradition and shared so that we have and understand our own values and loves. She correctly explains that the idea of the Heirophant as an old stick in the mud such as, to me,the current RC Pope who hilariously from his golden threads and elegant oils and immaculately clean rooms announces that the wealth of Creation is unfairly divided. fact is that humans believe that the gods show favor by allotting wealth to the lucky one.
I plan to order her book.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

December 27.2011

"In Jungian terms, the astrological evidence suggests that the collective unconscious is ultimately embedded in the macrocosm itself, with the planetary motions a synchronistic reflection of the unfolding archetypal dynamics of human experience.
"In Platonic terms, astrology affirms the existence of an anima mundi informing the cosmos, a world soul in which the human psyche participates as a microcosm of the whole."
-- Richard Tarnas
Cosmos and Psyche
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"If the study of astrology and its deeper meanings can provide anything, it is a real confidence in one's authentic self, thus encouraging the ability to relax into an acceptance of one's true nature."
-- Stephen Arroyo
Person-to-Person Astrology

Well Neptune Cafe is jumping and mentions the upcoming 5/20/2012 eclipse -I was born just after such an eclipse which one can see by my Sun conjunct the Moon's N Node-I wonder what this one is bringing. Of course I am reminded of Tom Sawyer's creator who was born when a comet was transiting and who died when the comet returned. I am full of the creepies these days struggling to come to grips with the death that has so impacted me and left me feeling stranded in the cosmos since my sister departed 4/29/2011 and left me standing alone,all the family gone before me-well the children are still here although my beautiful, creative Lisa and her daughter Krystil are gone now.
I have passed through the darkest moments that came, I believe, because I just don't like death nor thoughts of death nor evidence of the shortness of our time in the sun. I feel like I have come to a point of acceptance but even this causes me to wonder if I am not simply shrugging off the brutal fact of death and I am simply agreeing to let myself die. Time will tell.
I can no longer believe in the kind fairy tales of the Christianity I was born to-I don't see death as a going home to Heaven although I do believe that life is eternal but I am pretty sure that there is no way out ego,our id,etc go on. No I assume that G-d is something that we can not comprehend and that G-d is eternal without beginning or end-G-d is not created and so can never die, never end. This thought is sorrowful too at least to my ego.
I would I suppose have stayed in church but I always felt rejected there and not needed and so I have gone on tasting every non-lethal sin I could while reading my elders and exploring ideas of G-d and the Cosmos.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

WEDNESDAY AGAIN

I wanted to continue describing "Tommy" of my childhood who he was and how he haunted my childhood and did his part in the brooding over the little egg of self-loathing that was to in time paralyze me and ruin my life. I have not failed utterly but I have definite
ley flunked "Civics" and "Applied Sociology".
I loathed my family as much as I was achingly dependent and had a possessive,sentimental love of family. I was so embarrassed by my mother who was so loud and abrasive and didn't wear underwear, panties,and she smoked. Terrifying in ways I was afraid to even feel much less ever speak and I barely knew it before "it"bloomed into a full time psychological complex. I lacked heart and was defeated before I even had a name. The moment I thought that my mother was embarrassing I froze, was paralyzed and just gave up. To me if I didn't have mama I had nothing and the entire game was forfeited. I struggled of course to "get out", get out of the cage wherein I lied there paralyzed and defeated. I was sexually attractive and thought that this was the result of my spiritual efforts-really.
I don't know if I will write out the actual experiences or is I will put them in a non published collection. I like the idea that I am writing this to my clan so that they can see why I didn't do so well but I did try to straighten. I can see the complex in a way-it looks like a dripping piece of coal-coal covered with blood.
More tomorrow.

Wednesday 12/7/2011