11/03/2010

Well!! I "remembered" writing this morning but I don't find any thing nor do I find it in the history. Guess that I didn't write.
I had another repressed memory come bubbling up to the top. Now I can't even remember but I will remember what it was and once I write it down and see to it that I remain conscious of the experience I will be free of it and the karma associated with that. I draw closer to my own understanding of God and I feel more at peace and increasingly willing to accept the deep longing in me to live in relationship to my understanding of God. I don't think of god having a relationship to me but I do have a relationship to the inner sense of a smiling,warm countenance that is ALWAYS happy to see me, is always welcoming. I turn to this over and over and I have I think maybe all my life. This is how I know God and this is what encourages me to love more,to love more smoothly.
I don't always feel in touch nor do I always feel "spiritual" but whenever I turn to this countenance I am welcomed.
At any rate I started praying when I was so sick and I was so frightened by how habitual my use of Norcal has been. I don't know what I was thinking but I just came to a place of consciousness of expecting to use the drug everyday and to rely on the happy energy brought to me by the drug and the relief of the arthritis/rheumatism aches and pains or whatever I would have used Advil,etc for but which I cannot now that I have to use the cuamedin for the a-fib. Well I definitely am into some troubling patterns and I do get a sick feeling if I stop suddenly. I am assured that I won't do a "low bottom" drama but I do want to change the way I live and prayer was right there in my life and then as I wrote yesteerday St theresa of Lisieux just showed up. I have never been one for following saints but I am now. Her untitled prayer is on my screen saver and i love to read it:

My Lord and my God I have realized that who undertakes
to do anything for the sake of earthly things or to earn the praise of others
deceives himself. Today one thing pleases the world, tomorrow another.
What is praised on one occasion is denounced on another.
Blessed be you, My Lord and my God,for you are unchangeable for all eternity
Whoever serves you faithfully to the end will enjoy life without end in eternity. Amen

I was swept away by my understanding that I could turn to that smiling countennence that I sense within and that I turn to in a innocent trust and if I come to do this regularly I will grow strong in resolution AND I do not have to make a public success, I do not have to make a fortune it is enough if O choose to love daily and to share my experience of the smiling warmth within so that those who know me know that which is within me.

I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of feeling inferior. I was inferior and so what!! I believed that I had to be better and that is what caused all the trouble. If I could have stayed home and tended to my own garden I would have known deep peace. Well that is behind me now and right now I am willing to choose to love and to serve and relax in the assurance that it is enough that I want to live close to God and that I want to serve the power to love everyone all the time. I don't even know what that means really but I will find out and I will write about it.