Sunday, May 29, 2011

5/29/2011

So this weekend I have read witty people making fun of the Pope and all of us Catholics People gossip about the priest/pedophile scandal as if this concerns only a small percentage of priests and admittedly the Pope has made things worse by stating in his White Paper that a child is someone ten and under (may God forgive this old fool)and that what caused these priests to fall into sin was the wantonness of the decades of the 60's and the 70's. I haven't read this white paper but if this is true I feel confirmed in my suspicions of this Pope-I was drawn to Catholics through Dorothy Day, Thomas Merton and Pope John XXIII; these good people emphasized the importance of living the words of Jesus rather than worrying too much over doctrine and they lived for people not for bishops and Popes.Since the death of John Paul I so suddenly and unexpectedly the Church has been moving backwards away from John 23 and towards the right wing of the church. This Pope says that there cannot be female priests because there were no females at the Last Supper.Even with these complaints I remain RC deeply committed although I haven't been to Mass for a long time not even to Easter services but that will change now although I don't know who will hear my confession-the priests that I loved are either dead or retired.
I realized with a shudder how deeply I have neglected my loved ones by not seeing to it that they were raised with religious instruction. I rebelled against the Protestant beliefs of my childhood believing that my elders abandoned me because I was a "bad girl" and made it so hard for me to be good that I gave up. I wanted to be Catholic but I grew up at the end of the old ways and felt too awkward to seek out the help of the Church although it was right there and of course I was too young and wild to simply ask Robert how to do it. At any rate the children beginning with Amiee have come up without religion at all and this has been disastrous and that and the poverty and neglect that so often comes in one parent families (crap that sounds so hollow but the words are trying to convey something that I have noticed and that is that children do better if they have a stay at home parent during their early years).

Religion and spirituality are important to me now that my sister is dead. All my natal family is gone now and my health is not robust. I have a mantra: Daddy, Mama,Grandpa,Buffy, Lady,Blackie are all gone now. And that sums it up and I am lonely to talk to these folks who taught me how to talk who taught me how to exist in the world.
More later now I want to rest and check in to the Indy 500.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Tuesday 5/24/2011

I think that I had a dream last night of standing in the meeting place in the St Joseph The Worker Church and the woman who first shepherded us at the beginning of the RCIA and she was saying forcibly that I was not suited to Catholicism. I don't remember this clearly but it is there a corner of it and it, the memory, has that quality of dreams.
I have been thinking of myself as someone who does not pay debts, who lives on the outside of society, who does not encourage her child to feel part of society and then frets when the child goes bad. I have lived as a reject and the Church is all about keeping folk from getting lost like I have been.
Of course this is not all that I have lived but wham!! it sure has power now-I have stirred up a lot with this outward expression of my love of Roman Catholicism-a part of me knows that I am not that simple-there is more much more and in part I have lived a dissolute life or at least on the inside I have in certain areas.
I guess the dream was saying that I can not take a child's way but will have to accept an adult resolution,will have to walk on my own two feet toward life as I know it in my maturity. I will however continue with my studies and meditations,etc.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

5/22/2011

Amy came down with shingles again-I wish that i had responded to the information I received when I had an outbreak. There is a vaccine that prevents folks from having shingles outbreaks and it works even if one had an earlier outbreak. Well I didn't follow through for myself nor for Amy and she is so worn down now that they have come back.
As witnessed by earlier posts I have been having one of my spiritual storms that I often experience after a shock or a time of long lived anxiety. Arvin left yesterday and didn't return. I don't know what to do-he obviously has no respect for me or Steve or his mother. He is fourteen,disabled and the survivor of a cruel and painful childhood with little to hold onto. I know that I have a debt here or rather I know that I lived like an outlaw in fact I was an outlaw or at least this is in my shadow and I am so horrified by the realization that I have a tendency to think that i am an Outlaw rather than just parts of this in my character.

Okay skipping along jumping over important thoughts I want to get to why I cranked up this program today: Death has terrified me. More than anything I have feared dying I definitely did not want to die the possibility of lights out breaks my heart-life is all I know and the thought of losing life just breaks my heart and scares me so deeply. I have accompanied family members to the door of death but that is it and I am no wiser now than before exscept that I do know about what happens physically as we die.

This morning I was standing in the kitchen preparing to wash dishes and thinking that today I didn't "feel very spiritual" when I did Day 3 of "The Novena To The Holy Ghost" and that is okay . I realize now that the feeling spiritual is simply moodiness and so although I love the high I get from the psychic drug it really is not different from taking a pain p[ill or smoking a little marijuana. And then wham I had a consciousness that death is literally part of life-period. Death is something that happens because we are living and I had this strong sense of honor and dignity and communion wit and the dying is as much part of life as any other part I also felt so supported as I have in all of life-I feel that I am part of something larger than myself: I am a human being and there is instinct for being human being and that instinct embraces me and supports me AND there si also obligation as a member of the species certain things I must accept and do my best to express through my life. I felt this all at once and knew that I could now go on that death is something that is part of our life as human being and all those who went befor support and encourage me and those who are to come demand that I actualize this instinct as fully as possible can given who I am as an individual.

Fearing death reminds me of thinking about childbirth before I experienced it. I just felt so relieved this knowing that I will no more be alone when I die than I was alone when i was born. Call this G-d is you want I often do. I am so grateful to be able to acknowledge my basic origin from this,to this and having my being in it.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

5/21/2011

Okay I awakened at my unreasonable time of about 4"15 AM to the request of the young cats so that they can go out for their early morning romp and then I went back to bed and tried to sleep but that was hopeless because of aches and pains and I took a pain pill and got up once it took affect.
I came out to the living room and opened up the computer and arvin was watching a Cheech and Chong movie. I was sickened by the jokes about drugs and unrelated sex and general lawlessness. this was once funny to me but now in my sixties it is frightening. How cruel to fill the children with these thoughts when they don't even know how to earn a living and are utterly untutored in their religious traditions. Arvin had Limewire hooked up on the computer and when I tried to get rid of it a pertagram came up on the screen an evil one upside down depicting erotic images of a male fully aroused and in a position of maximum salaciousness. I was shocked and turned immediately to explain to Arvin the evil of this image and he said that he knew and I explained that he must turn away from this and he said that he would not. I am horrified and I blame myself becuase I didnot raise his mother as a Catholic or even as Christian. I was so angry with the Christians who threw me away and allowed me to be overwhelmed by evil. Because I was young and so impoverished both in money and in family and culture I rejected my origins and pretended to be godless and free and sophisticated which I was not and I fell into evil and raised my child in evil with absolutely no religious instruction-I was drawn to the Catholics because they are free of the hysteria of the Protestants. One only needs to profess one's faith in jesus and the Saints and one is embraced into an ancient tradition. I didn't feel worthy though and so did not follow through not realizing how easily I would be embraced and therefore denying Amy the promise of faith and the foundation of Catholicism which keeps us strong in the world even if we stray in our youth.
I baptized Arvin this morning in the air and I will baptize him today with water and I will see to it that he receives his full instruction and I am going to ask Amy if she wants to attend the RCIA at St Joseph the Worker this fall with me and I plan to baptize Courtney and to get her into the Church as well. This is our only hope. I really believe that our failure as a family is due to this vulnerabilty to the Evil One. I really believe this.

Friday, May 20, 2011

5/20/2011

Prayer for Mercy on the Souls in Purgatory

My Jesus, by the sorrows Thou didst suffer in Thine agony in the Garden, in Thy scourging and crowning with thorns, in the way to Calvary, in Thy crucifixion and death, have mercy on the souls in purgatory, and especially on those that are most forsaken; do Thou deliver them from the dire torments they endure; call them and admit them to Thy most sweet embrace in paradise.

Our Father, Hail Mary, Eternal Rest, etc

Purgatory seems an idea influenced by ideas

Thursday, May 19, 2011

5/19/2011

"Can a horse tell you what it means to be human? How can a horse get beyond the boundaries of being a horse and say what it means to be human? Why do we think a human being can say what it means to be God? And yet we’ve done that; we’ve done that and we said that we’ve got it so right that if you don’t believe it we’ll burn you at the stake. That’s a very strange idea." ~John Shelby Spong.

Okay after the days of laying around with curtains drawn so that my neighbors could not witness me laying around like a drunkard. I was stuck in the past saying over and over"Mama,Daddy, Grandpa Box,Buffy, Lady and Blackie all gone. I never thought that everyone would pass before me. Some narcissisist imagination that I would drag my natal family along into eternity forever fixed as my psychological/spiritual co-actors eternally acting out their assigned roles, assigned by me of course.
Yesterday I was reading SOW (Stars Over Washington) and the puzzle box contained these characters: BUFFl and I took this as Burry reaching out beyond this life where she is now and I felt shocked by Angelic energy and my energy just tumbled around into another space and the depression is lifting.

Truthfully the depression has been lifting for a few days and prayer and the Flower Essence medicine have been powerful companions lifting me out of the tar of depression and despair and doubt.

I cringe so when on Huffington Post I encounter the atheists and the angry rebellion of the younger people. God has always been central to my consciousness even though I have no idea at all what G-d is or what I mean by that word. I also cringe when some express an idea that would make God something like a giant human being much as a child must perceive the father who is often absent and has a big gruff voice and "lays down the law".

I still have all the problems that I have had-the anti-depressants that I have used for a least ten years now and the opiate pain relievers that I have been using for around seven years until now I use them daily for arthritis and injuries. The over-eating is fading from the ascendancy it had for several years but I know that it could return at anytime unless I find my way to a life of "fit spiritual condition". I consider all this drug use hinders my spiritual growth although I will say that I have matured in many areas even with these issues.

I have offered to be Ann Maire's in-home-aide while she recuperates from hip replacement and this has brought up the idea that I like in-home-service and I would like to train to do hospice work as a sort of nurse's aide much like people who are the providers in the IHSS program. I don't have the physical strength to do this full time or to give care to someone much larger than I but i would really,really like to serve.

I need a little more income plus I need to get out of the house-two ideas: return to church and find work assisting those who are preparing to make the last transition-death.

Okay time to work on the Rosary for a bit. I discovered a wonderful little book on studying the rosary as discipline and meditation-forgot that I have it and it is just what I needed.

Praying for the people losing their homes to the Misissippi.

Friday, May 13, 2011

5/13/2011

So I quit writing here because i wrote some things that I don't want to own in public and turned to writing only on my machine and posting there and then after my sister's death 4/29/2011 I am wanting to write in public which is a joke as if I have a public. Still there is something about writing here that is public like having company and right now I want company.
These are troubled days for me. Buffy "came down"with a small cell carcinoma and was gone in nine months-4/29/2011 a week after she turned 63 in that hated month of childhood when we were the same age until my birthday 5/25. She underwent a long and rigorous chemo treatment and yet she went so fast. One thing lung cancer and melanoma are relatively merciful in that one goes fast and there is little pain, relatively,
The doctors said that she had tumors on the liver and the thyroid and something caused her to lose her sight and she just sunk deeply into the end.
Another day laying on the bed listening to MSNBC the same stories told by everyone all day long and the only difference is the type delivery according to the persona of the word giver. My reaction today is 1)Ron Paul is a liar ignoring problems saying well that will go away if people are free!". What a LYING,DECEIVING OLD MAN. And 2)The CIA is lying regarding Bin Laden and pornography-they have done this so many times to different people when believing that any positive regard for the person must be assassinated as well.
I am moping the kitchen floor-FINALLY!!! I want a quiet life with some order and consistency and quiet. I want to live with Steve and the cats and read and recover my heqlth and strength.