10/27/2010

Pat C. in Virginia just sent me a link for making vegi bouillon which will be such an assist when cooking mostly vegetarian as I do these days. I often roast some chicken pieces for Steve and Courtney since they do look forward to some type of meat-myself I am usually very happy with what might seem to be side dishes.
Another recipe from that link-stuffed pie pumpkin. I have been wondering what to do with the little pumpkin I picked up because their round orangeness just appeals to me. I am looking forward to cooking pumpkin cheesecake for Thanksgiving and I will need to produce at least one plain pumpkin pie because Aimee loves them. courtney said that I could not go to Buffy for the holidays because she and brother depend on my cooking for the high holidays. Music for the grandmother's heart.
At any rate I can't use the cranberries due to the cumadin required by the a-fib. but I can use regular stuffing vegis and perhaps a little brown rice to very good effect I think and then I will roast the chicken thighs for Steve and Courtney and any of her friends that might be here and we will have gooood food and our hearts will be full of prayers of gratitude.
When Julie was here I wanted to cook for her but she was not open to that. she is tall and slender at age 70. She scurried up the hill side like a young goat when we were returning from Chinese lunch. We met in OA but she has risen above the years of chubbiness and returned to her native ranginess.

This is important to me because I would never be happy not cooking and I love to make people happy with food. I don't want to not do this. I also love having the house full of people even though sometimes I retreat to our room and close the door still I love people around and I don't particularly like being alone. My chart implies that I will die alone but knowing me that will be because I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. But we don't know really what that means.

The state sent a check for one months work-wonder why they didn't pay all three unpaid months. Steve will call the reliable Lilly Chin today to see what's up. We need to pay 11/2010 rent now and we need the owed money to do this. This is also the beginning of the money months-birthdays and holidays and every year after the Christmas tree comes down I promise to save for the following year but I never do since I always seem to need every penny I can gather. Forever childish I think although even here I do see that I have matured and changed. I love luxury and I am always ravenous for some big treat and I spend the money as soon as I have access to it. I am in fact so greedy for luxury that I have often reneged on agreements to repay loans so that I can have some luxury whether that be good food or pot or give money to loved ones-I just love that feeling of having more than I need an endless pot of gold there at the end of the rainbow.

Another point is that I have rarely had as much money as I needed for my middle-class values. I never received child support except for the $100 after Gerald and Catherine dumped Aimee back on me in 1986 and broke her heart and left her vulnerable to all the social traps and pits of lower middle-class kids in Oakland. God how awful for her and she ended up with Raphel-a cheap father-figure for a troubled and frightened girl whose mother was absolutely out to lunch-I had to relieve my own adolescence really stuck at age 16 for decades just over and over the sexual trauma the social trauma, the personal despair-creating a real life for myself that I was absolutely unable to support-twanged beyond repair should never have had children but that is the story and I need to find something new to say with those pieces, those scraps of fabric. \\I pulled into myself put my head down and said that I would do it all myself and of course I could not be my own history, my own community-I couldn't face my own family created from my own desire.

This story goes on and on inside and there doesn't seem to be any reference to surviving personal failure. I wanted the priests and nuns to absolve me but of course they cannot and I fear the diminished appearance of my potential when "they" realize the depths of my failures. AND.....I no longer believe that the "Church" can relieve me of my burden. I am not "Catholic" I wasn't born into the tradition nor was I brought up in the tradition. I love sharing the outside traditions with Steve and these have firmed up our relationship but I am an outsider,protestant to the core and part of the complete unraveling of both sided of family-no cousins,one sister and our children sown all over the country side all of us living for ourselves and so I have made up a stage of togetherness, of people safe inside their own traditions and I love to renew the props-to cook and clean and organize and serve and share and again forget about the darkness of the hole in my ground where family and tradition once lived. I was born at the end of the Box story and most of that story I will never know and really at the end of Simon/Chalfant story as well. Most of the stories went with Mama and I only half listened and I was most of the time not even in Colorado and Mama was just so angry and then we find out that she too had been compromised and had to give her first child up for adoption and something deep in her was wounded,rejected. UMHHHHH for a long, long time.
The day is calling-Aimee for money, the kitchen for cleaning, the rent to be mailed, the landlord to be called,etc. Hope that I get back to this tomorrow.