Sitting here thinking of Pluto after reading Judigem and Starlight on Pluto and transformation and thought of my own Saturn Moon Pluto that has troubled mee sso. I was hurt to the quick by Dana Gebharts shallow reference to us Pluto natives: "not the kind of people you want for a neighbor". reading that I fell utterly into the doubt and self-loathing the kind I learned from my mother. Well now I know why my mother so hated herself and good god she deserved a breeak and of course her parents died rather early in her life and she had to take over the family inheritance and try a build a family there.

I had been haunted by thoughts of my maternal grandfather as a molesting father in my efforts to become conscious of that conjunction-so central and provocative to my live especially my maternity. this morning I 'saw" that this is referring to the culture, the religion, the ethos of the culture had so rejected my mother that she had allowed herself to be seduced by someone who would never marry her and do the "right thing" by her and she had to face pregnancy and childbirth on her own and the child was given to adoption (that story just horrible-my brother Bill Green now deceased). At any raate she made every effort to see to it that I got the rules and followed through the right way but of course, Oh Brother Pluto, the truth won out and I do have a better outlook than I would have had if I had been able to stay in that culture (which is literally gone now either to death or migration of the young to places of employment).

Seeing this this morning has given me a freedom I have not had before. I can drop the disturbing images of my Grandpa Chalfant and accept the real life that image has contained within it. And YES!! my mother and myself did break free of those beliefs but we experienced such self-loathing from the consequences of our solitary rebellion against the cruel patriarchy-perhaps not that way for every woman but it certainly was for my mother and myself. I acted out her tragedy ( please!! my sister too had to act it out!! Well of course Mars,Saturn Pluto for her)

At any rate have said for years that I wouldn't even really come alive until 60 or so and sure enough the Sun is now in Leo by progression and sure enough the truth is shining through and the Sun brings his antibiotic action on the sepsis that had set in after the decades of self-loathing. Only now am I mature enough to "see" and to say "okay!! where to now?
Yes!1 the Sun is by progression exactly conjunct Saturn and will in the next few years move over natal Moon and Pluto.

Right now i notice in the progressed chart a square between Mercury and Neptune- time to consider that my love of mind altering substances whether pot or pain relievers or tranquilizers,etc is now interferring with my thinking and use of my intelligence-yep that seems to be the word these days. Progressed Mercury-well scratch thaaat. Review shows that the square happened about ten years ago around the time I joined St Joseph's Church-interesting. that was the pooint at which I began using anti-depressants when my grief over Clinton's Welfare Reform and what it was going to do to poor families almost brought me down. the drug ultimately caussed severe joint problems and I had to stop and eventually came to use Effexor which has been very effective.

Whoosh!1 I was off to look up the news about Wellbutrin and that n time led to a conversation with Steve who was very startled to hear that I use Effexor even though I have told him many times over the years. He said "geez!1 baby that is a super strong medicine" to which I reply "well of course!! I am one crazy woman!!" And reminded him of how hard I took Clinton's welfare reform-I loved welfare. It saved my life and I still believe/know that better welfare would save lives again. We are losing some strong and wonderful souls because they are homeless,etc and by the time they get back into safety it may well be too late for them to recover. Sooo I have been drugged since them and it may very well do me in in the long run-age changes how the brain responds.

Okay I think that I am done for now. Real food is needed by me. I cannot accept factory food nor can I accept factory chemicals in the house. I plan to make caldo-the chicken and broth are prepared and when I add the vegetables, cook some rice. chop some raw onion and cilatro I shall have caldo and I will feel very well thanks to the Rescue Remedy and the years of training as an astrologer and a mother and an office worker.

This is one of the absolute best times of my life even though death looms and I must find a way of coming to terms with it. As if one ever does I imagine-one just surrenders to the inevitable i guess.