9/25/2010

Wont attempt a fancy date again-yesterday I wrote that it was September 224,2010 because I wanted to celebrate the day that I become conscious of what i want to do.

I had a friend who said that she was so ashamed of me for the woman I became. she was referring to my "red-neck sister", my sexless relationship, the drain on me by my daughter and her children,and my sitting in my rocking chair like an old black grandma. She was so horrified by my ghetto existence although I didn't see things that way. She went on and on and finally I gave up talking to her and then discovered in the sporadic attempts to salvage what was a decades long frindship that 1) most of the judgment was alcohol fueled and 2) she wanted me to come stay with her and 3) she was also always vicious and that had been my first instinct about her years ago when Amy was a baby.

I am writing that because in a way I was sitting on this egg-brooding. I was finishing up my final years as a welfare worker and I was tired and depressed. The turn this society took with "Welfare Reform" made me sick,literally sick, and I really had no choice but to carry on. I remember standing by the tiny grove of Redwoods and wild onions there on Marina Way South now desimated by progress with town housesand looking over at the office in which I was then working and wondering if I could continue to serve even though what our society was doing was class warfare-I remember James Carville saying at one point during the Republican witch hunt of Clinton and his miserable tale wagging,"Waell you drag a twenty dollar bill through a trailer park and you just don't know who you will catch!!" I wish I could duplicate his southern accent so you could feel the full antipathy in his words. I was shaken so deeply by his hatred and contempt. The attack on Clinton and the Democrats came from millionaires and billionaires and that son of Louisiana knew that but he chose to project all his hatred on the poor and to fuel class war. Well he ended up married to one of the most hateful and cruel women working for the Republicans!! What a joke!! And he felt free to denigrate poor women and their children.

So what am I writing? the story of poverty and the strugle to become conscious or a hymn to those who clean the house, cook the meals, wash the clothes, maintain the cars? this part of life of so help in contempt,over and over I have heard well that is just daily life and it is not worthy of comment and those whose lives are caught up in this the keeping of the house the raising of the children are considered small and constricted and not worthy of polite conversation. And I peasant that I am say well this is what supports all your polite conversation,all you journeys and dreams. It is only when we are warm and full and relaxed that we begin to look around for something more. For me it is this "background" that is so beautiful and even sacred and I want to write about it.

Perhaps it is the guilt i carry having let my beautiful,plump babies go to the grandmother to be raised because I was unable to. I was a mother at sixteen and again at seventeen. i had rejected my own mother-some deep issues there and turned to my mother-in-law who was beautiful and dutiful, the daughter of a viciously cruel abusive mother and who was to me the image of perfection and appropriateness but alas the huge explosion that was to come following my son's birth was apparent early on and she and her husband arranged to move far away and I was then on my own with only a couple of old high school friends and my husbands grandmother. I came flying apart endangering the children through neglect and they ended up with my beautiful mother-in-law where they were safe. Even my daughter told me later that she didn't blame me that if they had been with me they would have had it bad because I was too young and I had nothing to offer my children.

Oh my god the tears begin again. I will never I imagine stop weeping over this and this shows in my chart the Saturn Moon Pluto conjunction which is the inspiration for this book.

Okay enough for the moment i just want to but into writing that I have been steadily losing weight and I think this is becuase I eat all that I want in the morning and I do mean whatever i want although I do attempt to keep my choices to natural even vegetarian food but I really eat. I eat around lunch time and then as the day passes I eat less and less and end up the day with nothing or with simple food such a a bowl of cereal or soup. This and the walking seems to get me back to my natural shape. the walking is very hard on my knees but it sure does make this little mesomorph sing.