11/30/2010

OOHH!! I am not in a good place today: the ankles are swollen although not as much as over the weekend and all my joints seem to be swollen. My morning blood sugar was 105-the lowest reading since the diabetes began; for some reason I could never get below 120. I think that it is lower now because I am slowly losing weight. I am once again turning to "a plant-based diet" as Clinton announced when he showed up so thin. I am not utterly vegan but i am repeatedly sickened by the thought of cows and pigs raised as food slaves and tortured unto death-really! I am sickened when I walk past the meat counters and I am encouraged when I go to the Farmer's market or the Berkeley Bowland realize that I am free to eat what I really love and what my body REALLY likes to eat. I love the vegetables, the fruit, the grain and these items do not give me a stomach ache as dairy does nor heartburn as the animal flesh and grease does. Oh how I love a bean tostada or a bean burrito, how I love these days the spinach,cranberry,pecan,sour cheese salad with balsamic vinegar dressing. I/my body react beautifully to the plant-based diet without the stomach ache and gas and heartburn and with the entire cow thing out of the way I am free of the compulsive hunger that drove me to weigh in at over 200 pounds at one point.

I am drawn back toward the Church even though I no longer believe literally in the story. I love the ritual, the seasons and the culture and I miss going to Mass and I miss sharing this with Steve. I still read the st Theresa of Lisiejkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkm ( cat writing)-St Theresa of Lisieux
ux daily readings and meditations based on the seasons of the Church. the struggle with reducing my vicodin use has really interfered with the development of the insights about the importance of the little daily acts of love and mercy.

I don't use a huge amount of Vicodin but i use it everyday in order to feel free of the aches and pains of arthritis and aging. My current doctor believes that the amount that I use is very high still although I no longer use the 10mg 4x daily. I am slowly very slowly weaning off although every time I have flare up of flu/arthritis aches beyond normal i do go back to that high level-I got into this when I turned A-fib and can not use ibuprofen or aspirin or the other anti-inflammatory pain relievers because I am on warfarin and can not risk hemorrhage by adding more non-clotting factors AND I had to go through three surgeries for the carpel tunnel condition. Two years of daily vicodin left me with a habit that I was at first unwilling to acknowledge and which now I "struggle" with. I felt so guilty when I first accepted that I was in a problem but that is changing now-this is physical and emotional but i can and will come out of this although the 12 Step path is not really available since this pain reliever is the only thing available to me-I am teaching myself to live without regular pain relief while also accepting that I will need the Vicodin often. I actually don't know if this will work.