September 29,2010

So Joyce is still gone. I will never again have her with her rituals and her attention to detail AND,equqlly, her refusal to notice that which didn't matter. Oh my!! she had a hand wovern Swiss (I think) red orange wool blanket with black trim.And she had golden curtains-cotton panels very plain byt perfect for the red ornge which caused me to remember the panels as peach. Her bed sat on a frame so that one sat or layed about four feet off the floor. We drank tea and coffe in the mornings and beer and wine later and we smoked tobacco and pot all daay long and Joyce used tranquillizers and sleeping pills. I didn't at that point although god knows I use some other stuff now in my mid-sixties.

This is worse than my father dying and my mother dying. Like it or not Joyce was my spiritual relationship. I felt poor and ragged and Joyce wasn't. She could type and straighten up the office and she had opinions and I had almost none. I studied astrology and was naturally good at that and then I went to school and I was good at that -well sort of. I think that I may have left Gerald for Joyce-can't say for sure but I think that is down deep inside me and Joyce could hurt like my mother and my sister could hurt me. Soon, I fear, all those women will be gone. I slip and call my daughter Buffy and we are both mortified over my mistake. I think that this error and my embarrassment comes because I have been too intimate with Amy (she spells out AIMEE)

I want to just lay around and soak up the news that Joyce is dead and I may be going to Tennessee to help my sister and will she come back and if she does where will Courtney go? And what about burial,etc? I wish we could go to Moscow but Mama and Daddy are not there-they are in Denver in the military cemetary and of course getting her to Moscow could cost a lot but the grandparents are there and the oldeer I get the more I feel like I am from there. I am part of what Mr Comer and Moscow sent out into the world.