12/27/2010

Just allowing the 12/25/2010 post stand as it is-today is 12/27/2010-the Christmas lines will suffice for that Christmas.
Still marveling at the upbeat within after years of soggy darkness perhaps the deepest depression I have had and I am prone to depression or at least I have been.
Saturn in the 4th is prone to depression at least in my case. Saturn square Mars in the first really shapes things: when ever I feel trapped by my own weakness there is the tendency to fall into depression. Yes, when ever I need to charge forward but don't because I am afraid or I feel inadequate to change I then fall into the depression mode. The last one was so overwhelming because the clash of impulses-to Mother on and therefore to provide shelter,nourishment and security for those who turned to me or to let go and just relax. Well I accepted a prescription for anti-depressants and soldiered on. Today I have a pension and SSA which I would not have if I had given into the impulse to let it all go and I have the experience of knowing that I became the "Old Mother" for my family although I also realize that A would have done better if she didn't have me to lean on.

I miss my natal family, my parents and my sister and Randy and Teresa and the little girls. Memories of wonderful Christmas that Buffy and Mama would put together. This year there were no friends, no breaking table, no stories and fun. The "company" was all Courtney's and they are so young that they are of no help in the feast.

Just burned up my beautiful 8 inch skillet perfect for sauteing-I have destroyed a lot of the cookware because I will put something on to warm up and then come in here to type a little and then look up later as the smoke billows in. I will of course scrub up the wonderful triple ply Cuisinart skillet but it will never be the same as before I left it on the fire while I wrote about Christmas.

I have really missed Barbara this Christmas-her conversation and friendly presence always brought so much and then Judy would come and others and we would talk and eat and drink a little. She was a wonderful friend and I imagine that I will always miss her and regret the way we ended (you remember, dear diary, that horrible day when I "allowed her to read my journal entry which included some unkind things about her son who was at the time on trial). she has not been able to forgive me and I do recall that she never contacted me when she moved to Colorado and with Steve's prompting realize that she never loved me as I loved her.

I "forgot" that day when we swapped journal entries and mine included the paragraph that begins: her son is a pure asshole or something to that effect. I remember Barbara saying "why are you calling Aaron an asshole?" and I said because he is and that was the living end of our "friendship". Barbara had even gotten to the point that she believed that her son had done nothing to the woman involved and I understood that he had literally beaten her up and threw her in his trunk and drove a long ways in the Bay Area with her as his prisoner. I thought that the six or seven years that he has been in jail was enough and I was sickened by the way the court personnel treat people who are the defendants like low level animals-like salamanders and snails,etc but I never thought that he was "innocent" or "not guilty". I think that the truth for me was that I was exhausted by the intensity of court visits and the intensity of my friends need to have her son be "innocent" and the intensity for me of keeping my "truth" locked up inside. So that wonderful friendship is over and there were no grown-up friends this year. I will need to work on this this year.

I know due to the teachings of that old man CG Jung that I "unconsciously" let Barbara know how much I considered Aaron responsible for his predicament. Only now am I conscious of the fact that he never expressed any remorse at all certainly nothing at all like a "mea culpa". I believe that things would have gone easier on him if he could have admitted what he did but all he and his mother seemed to care about is getting him free. I remember that I wrote a letter to the judge in support of Aaron because his mother requested that I do so. I thought that this seemed improper and asked if this was discussed with the attorney/judge,etc. Barbara assured me that this was cleared and expected and then just before the transfer to Oakland the presiding judge in Hayward said out loud from the bench that this action on out part was wrong and could have resulted in severe penalties but he believed that we were so ignorant of the law that he just let things go. As I write this I am thinking that it was this that demanded that the case be transferred to Oakland and that Aaron then needed to face his terrible position. Well as I have already written that friendship is over and I missed Barbara this Christmas and Steve missed her boyfriend/partner and that is that and writing all of this has cleared up some points in my mind and now I am free to think of new activities that have potential for leading me into new friendships.

12/25/2010

Wonderful dark storm with rain and wind. Quiet here because we celebrated yesterday. the most modest Christmas since I was oh 20 or something and I have so enjoyed this Christmas. So aware of how much I love Steve and Amy and Arvin and Courtney and my sister Buffy and Randy and Suzie. I have missed my parents and Joyce and even Barbara this year reminders of the Harwood St years the years I obsess on when depressed.
The change is a feeling of sunlight pouring down on me from somewhere. The feeling of warm breezes, of money in my pocket, of wonderful light AND release from all the oppressive weight of resentment and quilt and remorse and hatred and anger and regret. Just lifted off and I can live again. How frightening when I am overwhelmed by emotions, the return of the going over and over the memories of living on Harwood St and Gloria and Joyce and Mrs Sanchez next door and little Amy and Barbara and Tyler and Elaine

12/22/2010

Yesterday I considered telling Cheri about these blogs but when I randomly read through I was shocked to read the litany of depression and anger and regret that goes on for word after word. I was really shocked and I have resolved to write more from love and anticipation. I really slipped into depression, full of negativity, wallowing in the past and unresolved issues with people some of whom are dead already. WOW!!!! I had no idea and I resolve to address this within myself. While it is important to be in touch with emotional reaction I have remained obsessed or so it seems to me today.
Why not choose love? Why not choose to look for the sunshine? And why not release all the hurt and shock and disappointment up to God where it/they can be disolved in sunshine and released into life as new life?
I just didn't realized how far I had slipped.

Today I am making the Chocolate Cheesecake-cheesecake always needs at least 24 hours and 48 will really work-I will make sure that the pie is wrapped up so that it doesn't pick up other scents. Tomorrow I may make a pie or perhaps Courtney and I will make the Cherry Delight which is essentially unbaked cheesecake-no eggs but all the other ingredients and topped off by cherry pie-filling.

Friday I make the rolls and the Carrot Cake-they need to be fresh. Haven't decided how to do the ham. I ended up getting a butt cut-the spiral cut sliced ones were gone and the other ones cost around $40 which is not in this year's budget (the desserts are costly and that is really what everyone is thinking about at least this is what I gather from our conversations.

I am thinking that perhaps this last depression is finally breaking up-years literally years of depression and medication that kept me on my feet even if the medication never really drives away the "blues". At any rate something has shifted along with the shift away from the compulsive eating and thinking of myself as someone who can't stop eating wallowing in that injured little fat girl I once thought that I was.

Last night I realized that my life is so much more than I ever thought it would be. Even though I failed and lost my way I just kept going, reaching for my potential. There is the lesson-how to go on even when all hope is lost. How to reach out for support and comfort even when all hope is lost. I felt such a thrill when I "felt" my life through the body of the little girl that I once was.

I love the smell of rainy season-all green and watery and mossy (and the snails out looking for a better place to live.)

12/21/2010

Another day of 2's and 1's. I quit writing here because I realized that I am writng out my journal and suddenly I was VERY self-conscious and even took down some pages and filed them away. Not as if, of course, the crowds are digging around in the internet to find MY writings but you understand.
Also, I wrote here for months and even years for Joyce to read and I imagine that I am accepting her death. Her daughter April notified me but refused to respond to my email back and so I decided that perhaps Joyce was not dead but rather was screwing with me in reaction to Steve's blocking her from my computer-she would write the most hurtful things and I would get so sad-I wanted us to be friends but really she was "a secret enemy" as one psychic said. Strange friendship that I allowed I imagine in some twisted way to pay for breaking Gerald's heart by leaving him that summer of 1971 (2)? At any rate I denied the fact that this twisted and haunted sister-in-law had shuffled off and we never resolved anything and I never received her blessing and this is to me tragic and haunting and can never be redone now. She ended up in New York where I always wanted to be and she got there by supporting her daughter to realize her talents and intelligence. Joyce was so smart and so talented and there wan never anyone to support her and her mother was a snotty,shallow high school girl who never grew-up. I gathered from Joyce that her mother was plain old mean and bitter. I always thought that the mother must have gotten pregnant on purpose in order to tie Joyce's father to her and then grew bitter when she realized that he didn't love her and never would-this is all conjecture on my part no one ever said this to me. And so... I imagine that she is dead and will not be reading here anymore and I miss her miss the years of trying to break the code although of course the only solution to that puzzle is to walk away and NOT look back.

Chrismas!! This is the first time I have felt the excitement this year. In fact I didn't do anything until yesterday-no cash nor any credit available until yesterday. I couldn't get into the cleaning and preparing until this morning. I know that it is the presence of Arvin and Courtney that brought forward all the years' memories of excitement and anticipation and suddenly I feel happy and excited. Still dark outside but I am doing wash and cleaning the kitchen-tomorrow will be the time to start the baking in order to be ready for the Christmas Eve celebration.

Here is a copy of something I posted over on Starlight News:
at C.-as Pluto moves to my MC in the next few years I have felt the chill of the hate from the Corporatists-destroy Social Security and then bankrupt the states so that pensions such as mine are destroyed and people such as myself will be walking the streets in shoes with holes filled up by pieces of cardboard. And for those reading who don’t have pensions now I just want to say that I and public service employees like myself paid hundreds of dollars every month into the pension plan and we were paid at a lower rate than those in the “private sector” with similar levels of responsibilities because the County was also contributing to our pension fund. The Corporatists have done a very good job of making us the civil servants sound like lazy, non-working cheaters but really I worked myself into a heart condition as so many other workers have unlike the likes of say-Mitch McConnell.
There!! I will now leave the pity-pot and someone else can climb up here. I think that I probably do hate Republicans now and all their vicious cruelty. What amazes me is the citizens who really are struggling right and yet will listen to the hate mongering that passes for Republican political message of hope with a plan for the future. I also wonder what to think when Obama seems to disdain the likes of me when I am the type who voted for him. Bah humbug!! thank god/goddess for my family and friends and all the sweetness I have encountered out in the world this Christmas season-really!!! People look tired but they are so kind and warm up close.

12/9/2010

Deleted this mornings entry. saved it to a folder just for myself. good writing but not for the world.
Okay that startled me but here is the rest of today's offering from a wonderful Rabbi regarding Hanukkah which is just ending:
Rabbi Levi Yitzhak views Hanukkah as a model for understanding how the Divine interacts with Israel and the world in contemporary times -- "ba-z'man ha-zeh." While one might wish for God's supernatural intervention, the Divine acts in a much more refined manner. In the mystical terminology of Hasidism, God functions from within a state of tzimtzum (veiled appearance), active but not easily perceptible to the seeker.

And this is an example of why i love Jews and often wish that I was a Jew but alas!1 I am Christian right down to my toes. this discussion of the activity of God is so thoughtful so inspired, so mature so grown-up that I just shiver.

12/7/2010

HAPPY BIRTHDAY: John Stewart and Tom Waits. A birthday that has come up over and over in my time but these two have left an impression with me. Joyce comes to mind. I keep thinking that she is not really dead rather just pulling a trick on me. This has taken root because her daughter never responded to my email. i guess that I will never know-how really sad. Joyce of Robert and Tom and of that time in my life,

I think I still am blaming Joyce for her outrageousness and feeling like I had to go to Marin and start over but of course that was a trap-Corina was harsh and cruel and I failed utterly to get through school and returned to hating myself while living with her. that was the terrible tie of moving to Crockett and then trying to lean on Davaki and the disaster there. Still hurts that time remains the lowest in my estimation-that is why I stayed with Roland-punishment and quilt. The native racism I grew up in and the quilt that ran with blood through me combined in those dark times to ruin me. I was not really ready to grow but I do see now that I did.

Found many Humphrey Bogart movies available for a small fee and I am signing up-I want to spend the day watching old Bogart movies. Right now watching "To Have and To Have Not-there is a big ganster shooting going on-reminds me of these days.

12/6/2010

I came across this paragraph in Aquarius Papers regarding yesterday's New Moon and I so want to remember this all through this lunation:

Jupiter is very powerful since it is the final dispositor of the entire chart, adding that type of energy as the primary backdrop to all the affairs in our world. Add its ongoing conjunction with Uranus at the end of Pisces, and you have another perfect time to feel a vaster experience of self within "All-That-Is," in unique ways that can release hidden energies to be used in early 2011 when Jupiter and Uranus both slip back into Aries. Cultivate your faith, forgiveness, and compassion over the next month, and you'll feel a huge new momentum in March 2011.

Got up this morning wanting to clean up and bring order so that harmony and beauty can shine through. Don't know where i was in my dreams but I did awaken full of energy and ready to live from my heart with energy and compassion and forgiveness and faith just as the astrologer recommends. Time to release the drug out feelings that I have been knowing too well of late. LOVE LOVE LOVE everywhere today and that includes myself. Hope that all those involved with Lisa and her conception and birth are all together with her soul now-I pray that she is embraced in loving arms of the Spirit and that she is able to love Elsie until Elsie is free to love back -I think that has already occurred.

Well I am posting the link to the entire Aquarius Papers article on the Sagittarius New Moon: http://www.aquariuspapers.com/astrology/2010/12/new-moon-in-sagittar. this is so good and I want the astrologer to be remembered by myself later.

12/4/2010

Tonight at the dark of the moon we will gather and make potato latkes and top them with apple sauce that I will make today and with sour cream and we will speak prayers of gratitude that we have each other in these dark days.

But when it comes to Hanukkah, this above all: When we Jews gather with friends and family around the Hanukkah menorah each night for eight nights, lighting Hanukkah candles and singing Hanukkah songs, there is something supremely powerful and healing in that experience. Even in dark days and dark times, we are reassured and empowered by rites that have been practiced by our people for so long and that have, in turn, sustained us. The Hanukkah lights, in pushing back the darkness, open Jewish hearts to our families and friends and all who are near to us, drawing us closer to them and to the entire human family.

These words are from Rabbi Eric H. Yoffie and I only wish that we had a menorah to light but I will see to it that we light some candles in our own hearts.

Wonderful advise form my friends at Astroworld giving out advice on how to get my mind away from the news of the world and into the joy of family and friends. Perhaps one thing is that Joyce is gone and I wanted always to reconcile and I lost both Barbara and Judy becuase of a paragraph regarding Barbara's son facing years in State prisons after years in Alameda county jail. I was honest even brutal and allowed Barbara to read what I had written because I was exhausted from days in court. Barbara had gone so deep into her heartbreak and fear for her son's fate that she had even reached the point of blaming the young mother whom he had abducted-domestic violence as his first attorney said- I was startled and shocked that she could blame the woman and that was my first clue of what I was dealing with and that was the inspiration for the paragraph and I wonder if that wasn't the source of my "forgetting" that led to her reading what I actually thought. Well anyway I ended up not only losing Barbara but also Judy and I really miss the warmth of our discussion of politics, county politics, recipes, memories.

12/3/2010

So S explained to me that we can coy all of this and archive it and then take it down because I no longer feel free to say what I want to in this medium. I think we have entered a time of profound darkness and a time when the hounds os the rich ones will chase down the likes of myself and my friends and do us in.
I know that I don't usually talk or even think like this but the elections and the words of the tea Party/Republican winners is so coarse and brutal full of racism and hatred of the poor and vulnerable that I am for the first time in my life frightened.
I came across a religious man's writing in Huffington Post today and I copied his quoted passage from James: Come now, you rich, weep and howl for your miseries that are coming upon you. Your riches are corrupted, and your garments are moth-eaten. Your gold and your silver are corroded, and their corrosion will be a witness against you and will eat your flesh like fire. You have heaped up treasure in the last days. Indeed the wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, cry out; and the cries of the reapers have reached the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth. You have lived on the earth in pleasure and luxury; you have fattened your hearts as in a day of slaughter.

At anyrate what is going on around the West-Europe and the US is feeling orchestrated and has caused me to believe in the Illuminati. I know that the IMF or something else is being used to destroy our societies and to make serfs out of all of us but the very, very few who names and faces do not appear anywhere. I am frightened in a way that I never have been. Even on my beloved astrology blogs that I have stayed with for their lack of oohy wooy superstitious beliefs but now there is talk about the US coming apart,etc and I am disturbed deeply when I hear this where I trust the people and then hear lawmakers slinging racial slurs on the floor of the Congress. these are ugly,scary times