11/24/2010

The day before Thanksgiving 2010. Pies to make,cakes to bake and many chores to prepare for tomorrow and I am grateful this year.
Last night I dreamed that i was once again with Roland in the ghetto grabbing sex on the sneak and dirty guilty sex and I didn't go to work even though I did continue to attempt to clean my house and go to work,etc. This was such a reminder of my life with him-guilt complexes around sex seeing it as nasty and hidden and vulgar and something only available at the lower rungs of society. A devastating time for me/ I feel so sloppy even a betrayer, a traitor against my class,my group but this is the only way I know how to fulfill my sex drive. I remember that I have a lover now who is not part of this life but still I allow the old life to seep in. I don't remember the details just that the dream takes place in Richmond, Denver and downtown Oakland when Capwells was still viable.
As I write I no longer recall all the details but there is an end and a resolution. I never got to work that day, never got the bath and change of clothes I needed,never really got the house cleaned up but I did wind up in command and in the end my dear friend Judy came in and asked if I wanted to get to a getaway island off the Carolinas. She was so tall and slender and her hair was straight and cut short and very close to her head.
This comes three days after I ran into Doc and Cheryl, Roland's brother and sister-in-law. Steve and I were doing Thanksgiving shopping and Cheryl and I met over the onion bin there at Safeway. I loved them all even though as the dream indicates there was so much shadow for me and my sex complex was totally in control and I destroyed much of my life although I did hold onto the job. Well I was deeply upset after-there are reasons that I pulled away and never returned and I didn't want those years integrated into the life I have now.
Roland has remarried and is happy!!! Living in San Francisco. I am sure his mother's answered prayers. This is beautiful and I am thankful for him and his life now.
At any rate Steve and I slept snuggled up last night something that we don't do now fifteen years in and I believe it was because of my closeness to him that I was able to have the dream and to benefit from the blessing and assurance of that dream.
I don't have to go back and I am capable of integrating my darkness into consciousness and therefore growing through all the chapters of life.
I have the past few weeks/months been reflecting on the experience of poor planning and poverty,etc that led to the failure of my plans to return to school in 1977 the time of the first Saturn return. I could not accept myself at that point and that led to Roland and those years
Maybe I will eventually write on all of those years and the loss and darkness and perhaps have something to offer for my time and space. Love to my Beloved Holy Mother of Tears!! If when she first showed up I could have turned to Her but alas I didn't yet know how not until all those years later when I went to St Joseph's did I encounter the type of spiritual instruction that I needed. I am grateful to be a Roman Catholic regardless of the unpopularity and the often, for me, offensive militaristic faith of some RC's. Abortion is the issue of the day and ultimately we should be able to support all life we are given but I still must stand with the young mother who must support herself and the children-if she cannot support a pregnancy I support her.