Awakened today because the Pookie boy cat peed on me. I had been telling Steve that he no longer pees on the bed because I let him go out whenever he wants. Steve worries for his safety but I worry more about me. this morning as I wash everything on the bed Steve admits that I was right.
Weepy today!! the news of Joyce's death has caught up and I grieve. I loved her in the way one loves family-deep complex with more than a little shadow. I think that I always expected that we could clear things up and get back but now I realize that there was too much shadow between us. I should have cast her out of my life when Tom entered the picture but I could not. She was always the thin one the sophisticated one I was eternally the little sister to her. Now that is over without any input from me and I am weepy.
I dreamed that Amy brought Julie to see me. Amy was driving a huge car and driving fast. I don't remember any thing else.
Just let White Boy Pookie out. I pray that he is always safe out there and that my bed is always dry in here. By the way he only pees on my side.
This is the thought of the day and the thought of forever for Joyce and Lisa and my parents and Mr Comer and all of those I have known and loved
Dolores Ashcroft-Nowicki:
People often say to me, "You're 81 years old; where do you get the energy from?" and I say, "I get it from that wholeness." I move out in my mind into that immensity of space and there is that, that warmth, that sense of welcoming. And I imagine myself there. I place myself there and I say to this wholeness, "I'm part of you. I came out of you. I'm going to go back into you. And I love you. I really do love you, in the deepest sense of that word, because I'm part of you. And at this moment, I could do with a little bit of you, a little bit more of you. I need some of your energy." And Thorn, I can feel it filling me up, and then, when I come back, it's there for me to use.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
September 29,2010 MORE
So I do the dishes and prepare the mangos with which to make mango chutney. I prepare the roast beef for the oven and I plan hte rest of the meal in my mind-potatoes and green beans all easily prepared in the 2-2&1/2 hours. I am thinking all day long on and off of Joyce.
Well Joyce here is someone who loved you and is troubled and sad at the news of your death. You were so much fun. I am sorry that we couldn't go on. Really sorry you were so smart oh Mercury in Virgo. Yes your passing is not without notice-you made such a mark in my life dear one. You were cruel and hateful but you were also funny and so sharp. I loved your eye for color and light and balance. I remember when you studied photography and how I admired your sense of drama and wished that I could do what you did and that I could be thin like you were and that I could attract men the way you did.
Well Joyce here is someone who loved you and is troubled and sad at the news of your death. You were so much fun. I am sorry that we couldn't go on. Really sorry you were so smart oh Mercury in Virgo. Yes your passing is not without notice-you made such a mark in my life dear one. You were cruel and hateful but you were also funny and so sharp. I loved your eye for color and light and balance. I remember when you studied photography and how I admired your sense of drama and wished that I could do what you did and that I could be thin like you were and that I could attract men the way you did.
September 29,2010
So Joyce is still gone. I will never again have her with her rituals and her attention to detail AND,equqlly, her refusal to notice that which didn't matter. Oh my!! she had a hand wovern Swiss (I think) red orange wool blanket with black trim.And she had golden curtains-cotton panels very plain byt perfect for the red ornge which caused me to remember the panels as peach. Her bed sat on a frame so that one sat or layed about four feet off the floor. We drank tea and coffe in the mornings and beer and wine later and we smoked tobacco and pot all daay long and Joyce used tranquillizers and sleeping pills. I didn't at that point although god knows I use some other stuff now in my mid-sixties.
This is worse than my father dying and my mother dying. Like it or not Joyce was my spiritual relationship. I felt poor and ragged and Joyce wasn't. She could type and straighten up the office and she had opinions and I had almost none. I studied astrology and was naturally good at that and then I went to school and I was good at that -well sort of. I think that I may have left Gerald for Joyce-can't say for sure but I think that is down deep inside me and Joyce could hurt like my mother and my sister could hurt me. Soon, I fear, all those women will be gone. I slip and call my daughter Buffy and we are both mortified over my mistake. I think that this error and my embarrassment comes because I have been too intimate with Amy (she spells out AIMEE)
I want to just lay around and soak up the news that Joyce is dead and I may be going to Tennessee to help my sister and will she come back and if she does where will Courtney go? And what about burial,etc? I wish we could go to Moscow but Mama and Daddy are not there-they are in Denver in the military cemetary and of course getting her to Moscow could cost a lot but the grandparents are there and the oldeer I get the more I feel like I am from there. I am part of what Mr Comer and Moscow sent out into the world.
This is worse than my father dying and my mother dying. Like it or not Joyce was my spiritual relationship. I felt poor and ragged and Joyce wasn't. She could type and straighten up the office and she had opinions and I had almost none. I studied astrology and was naturally good at that and then I went to school and I was good at that -well sort of. I think that I may have left Gerald for Joyce-can't say for sure but I think that is down deep inside me and Joyce could hurt like my mother and my sister could hurt me. Soon, I fear, all those women will be gone. I slip and call my daughter Buffy and we are both mortified over my mistake. I think that this error and my embarrassment comes because I have been too intimate with Amy (she spells out AIMEE)
I want to just lay around and soak up the news that Joyce is dead and I may be going to Tennessee to help my sister and will she come back and if she does where will Courtney go? And what about burial,etc? I wish we could go to Moscow but Mama and Daddy are not there-they are in Denver in the military cemetary and of course getting her to Moscow could cost a lot but the grandparents are there and the oldeer I get the more I feel like I am from there. I am part of what Mr Comer and Moscow sent out into the world.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
09/28/2010
Joyce has died. My old friend. we were estranged over her cruel words regarding me and my family. She complained about my redneck sister and my daughter and granchildren. she said that she was so ashamed of me and how I did or did not turn out. I always thought that we would talk again and I was wrong. I still love her one of the few who really loved her and now she has "shuffled off this mortal coil" or something to that point. I may have the words wrong.
And yesterday I heard that Kimmie has been busted by the DEA for buying pain meds on the black market-30 morphine which she didn't want and 30 Percosets which she does want. she has chronic pain arising from the meds used to balance her bi-polar conditions. I was heart broken and consulted my astrologer friends who set to work immediately but when I spoke with Kimmie just now she pulled me up a little by announcing to me that this is nothing, that Citibank says that she has 30 days to clean things up in order to keep her job. she has an attorney and the charge at this point is $2500. I was amazed that she was still continuing to judge my granddaughter for stealing Buffy's phone a couple of years back saying "well I come from the same kind of family no one pays for anything I have to do it all. However I know for a fact that she didn't come from the same type of family. Oh Well!! as Steve just said "we can't work with these people" I will have to turn them over to their Jesus and their right-wing politics and move on down the road. and I do believe with all my heart that one cannot be evolved spiritually and still keep to right-wing politics-I am part of the spiritual movement, Liberation Theology. Right now in south and Central America one can witness this movement bearing fruit.
And yesterday I heard that Kimmie has been busted by the DEA for buying pain meds on the black market-30 morphine which she didn't want and 30 Percosets which she does want. she has chronic pain arising from the meds used to balance her bi-polar conditions. I was heart broken and consulted my astrologer friends who set to work immediately but when I spoke with Kimmie just now she pulled me up a little by announcing to me that this is nothing, that Citibank says that she has 30 days to clean things up in order to keep her job. she has an attorney and the charge at this point is $2500. I was amazed that she was still continuing to judge my granddaughter for stealing Buffy's phone a couple of years back saying "well I come from the same kind of family no one pays for anything I have to do it all. However I know for a fact that she didn't come from the same type of family. Oh Well!! as Steve just said "we can't work with these people" I will have to turn them over to their Jesus and their right-wing politics and move on down the road. and I do believe with all my heart that one cannot be evolved spiritually and still keep to right-wing politics-I am part of the spiritual movement, Liberation Theology. Right now in south and Central America one can witness this movement bearing fruit.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
9/25/2010
Wont attempt a fancy date again-yesterday I wrote that it was September 224,2010 because I wanted to celebrate the day that I become conscious of what i want to do.
I had a friend who said that she was so ashamed of me for the woman I became. she was referring to my "red-neck sister", my sexless relationship, the drain on me by my daughter and her children,and my sitting in my rocking chair like an old black grandma. She was so horrified by my ghetto existence although I didn't see things that way. She went on and on and finally I gave up talking to her and then discovered in the sporadic attempts to salvage what was a decades long frindship that 1) most of the judgment was alcohol fueled and 2) she wanted me to come stay with her and 3) she was also always vicious and that had been my first instinct about her years ago when Amy was a baby.
I am writing that because in a way I was sitting on this egg-brooding. I was finishing up my final years as a welfare worker and I was tired and depressed. The turn this society took with "Welfare Reform" made me sick,literally sick, and I really had no choice but to carry on. I remember standing by the tiny grove of Redwoods and wild onions there on Marina Way South now desimated by progress with town housesand looking over at the office in which I was then working and wondering if I could continue to serve even though what our society was doing was class warfare-I remember James Carville saying at one point during the Republican witch hunt of Clinton and his miserable tale wagging,"Waell you drag a twenty dollar bill through a trailer park and you just don't know who you will catch!!" I wish I could duplicate his southern accent so you could feel the full antipathy in his words. I was shaken so deeply by his hatred and contempt. The attack on Clinton and the Democrats came from millionaires and billionaires and that son of Louisiana knew that but he chose to project all his hatred on the poor and to fuel class war. Well he ended up married to one of the most hateful and cruel women working for the Republicans!! What a joke!! And he felt free to denigrate poor women and their children.
So what am I writing? the story of poverty and the strugle to become conscious or a hymn to those who clean the house, cook the meals, wash the clothes, maintain the cars? this part of life of so help in contempt,over and over I have heard well that is just daily life and it is not worthy of comment and those whose lives are caught up in this the keeping of the house the raising of the children are considered small and constricted and not worthy of polite conversation. And I peasant that I am say well this is what supports all your polite conversation,all you journeys and dreams. It is only when we are warm and full and relaxed that we begin to look around for something more. For me it is this "background" that is so beautiful and even sacred and I want to write about it.
Perhaps it is the guilt i carry having let my beautiful,plump babies go to the grandmother to be raised because I was unable to. I was a mother at sixteen and again at seventeen. i had rejected my own mother-some deep issues there and turned to my mother-in-law who was beautiful and dutiful, the daughter of a viciously cruel abusive mother and who was to me the image of perfection and appropriateness but alas the huge explosion that was to come following my son's birth was apparent early on and she and her husband arranged to move far away and I was then on my own with only a couple of old high school friends and my husbands grandmother. I came flying apart endangering the children through neglect and they ended up with my beautiful mother-in-law where they were safe. Even my daughter told me later that she didn't blame me that if they had been with me they would have had it bad because I was too young and I had nothing to offer my children.
Oh my god the tears begin again. I will never I imagine stop weeping over this and this shows in my chart the Saturn Moon Pluto conjunction which is the inspiration for this book.
Okay enough for the moment i just want to but into writing that I have been steadily losing weight and I think this is becuase I eat all that I want in the morning and I do mean whatever i want although I do attempt to keep my choices to natural even vegetarian food but I really eat. I eat around lunch time and then as the day passes I eat less and less and end up the day with nothing or with simple food such a a bowl of cereal or soup. This and the walking seems to get me back to my natural shape. the walking is very hard on my knees but it sure does make this little mesomorph sing.
I had a friend who said that she was so ashamed of me for the woman I became. she was referring to my "red-neck sister", my sexless relationship, the drain on me by my daughter and her children,and my sitting in my rocking chair like an old black grandma. She was so horrified by my ghetto existence although I didn't see things that way. She went on and on and finally I gave up talking to her and then discovered in the sporadic attempts to salvage what was a decades long frindship that 1) most of the judgment was alcohol fueled and 2) she wanted me to come stay with her and 3) she was also always vicious and that had been my first instinct about her years ago when Amy was a baby.
I am writing that because in a way I was sitting on this egg-brooding. I was finishing up my final years as a welfare worker and I was tired and depressed. The turn this society took with "Welfare Reform" made me sick,literally sick, and I really had no choice but to carry on. I remember standing by the tiny grove of Redwoods and wild onions there on Marina Way South now desimated by progress with town housesand looking over at the office in which I was then working and wondering if I could continue to serve even though what our society was doing was class warfare-I remember James Carville saying at one point during the Republican witch hunt of Clinton and his miserable tale wagging,"Waell you drag a twenty dollar bill through a trailer park and you just don't know who you will catch!!" I wish I could duplicate his southern accent so you could feel the full antipathy in his words. I was shaken so deeply by his hatred and contempt. The attack on Clinton and the Democrats came from millionaires and billionaires and that son of Louisiana knew that but he chose to project all his hatred on the poor and to fuel class war. Well he ended up married to one of the most hateful and cruel women working for the Republicans!! What a joke!! And he felt free to denigrate poor women and their children.
So what am I writing? the story of poverty and the strugle to become conscious or a hymn to those who clean the house, cook the meals, wash the clothes, maintain the cars? this part of life of so help in contempt,over and over I have heard well that is just daily life and it is not worthy of comment and those whose lives are caught up in this the keeping of the house the raising of the children are considered small and constricted and not worthy of polite conversation. And I peasant that I am say well this is what supports all your polite conversation,all you journeys and dreams. It is only when we are warm and full and relaxed that we begin to look around for something more. For me it is this "background" that is so beautiful and even sacred and I want to write about it.
Perhaps it is the guilt i carry having let my beautiful,plump babies go to the grandmother to be raised because I was unable to. I was a mother at sixteen and again at seventeen. i had rejected my own mother-some deep issues there and turned to my mother-in-law who was beautiful and dutiful, the daughter of a viciously cruel abusive mother and who was to me the image of perfection and appropriateness but alas the huge explosion that was to come following my son's birth was apparent early on and she and her husband arranged to move far away and I was then on my own with only a couple of old high school friends and my husbands grandmother. I came flying apart endangering the children through neglect and they ended up with my beautiful mother-in-law where they were safe. Even my daughter told me later that she didn't blame me that if they had been with me they would have had it bad because I was too young and I had nothing to offer my children.
Oh my god the tears begin again. I will never I imagine stop weeping over this and this shows in my chart the Saturn Moon Pluto conjunction which is the inspiration for this book.
Okay enough for the moment i just want to but into writing that I have been steadily losing weight and I think this is becuase I eat all that I want in the morning and I do mean whatever i want although I do attempt to keep my choices to natural even vegetarian food but I really eat. I eat around lunch time and then as the day passes I eat less and less and end up the day with nothing or with simple food such a a bowl of cereal or soup. This and the walking seems to get me back to my natural shape. the walking is very hard on my knees but it sure does make this little mesomorph sing.
Friday, September 24, 2010
September 224,2010-Friday and payday at the County
Lit up today around what feels like a denigration of housework and wifeness and motherhood. Will on Starlight News making fun of women (older women). I just lit up-progressed Mercury on the IC of my chart-18 Cancer-A hen scratching the ground looking for food to feed her progeny-I am here to sing a song about mothers and wives and ordinary everyday women picking up after the husband, the children and the children grow up and leave and don't even like us at least until we are old or die.
I have had it both ways: I ran from my childhood marriage and left those beautiful,golden babies to be raised by another strong woman a woman who never complained who did her chores and made sure that the family never even thought of their daily needs they were so completely realized.
I came to see in maturity that indeed it really didn't matter about the husband. Even though I am now married to my perfect husband at least in the heart we are married but not legally still I now realize that it was the wounding of my maternal instinct that caused all the trouble and this wounding was a family inheritance-the women in my mother's line DID NOT LIKE maternity. Pregnancy and childbirth and the resulting children were seen as burdens and my father's mother had only one leg and was married to an ex-con, wrongly accused and convicted and very old then.
Well that is not a very lucid description of what I want to get to. I keep thinking of the women i know who were sold into marriage some even before they could talk by family arrangement. they were not happy in fact some even had to run away but they kept on with the keeping of the house and the caring for the children and this part of life is hidden in plain sight because we denigrate mothers and motherhood and women and wives. This is the Feminine right here with us and we need to become coscious of this and learn to praise this and sing songs to the Mother and to the wives and mothers as we are here today
I find it so sad that only the right-wing Christians really stand up for the mothers and wives. That even now when we should be knowing better the Lefties continue to cry out for women's equality in the workk place rather than crying out for us to recognize the beauty and warmth and safety of the home, the hearth, the beauty brought to us by the mothers and wives tending to the private life that goes unrecognized unappreciated.
So many times I have heard form others that the daily life is not worth conversing over. I remember one friend replying after I complained that she had not spoken of all the work she was doing in her house in order to put the house on the market. she said that that work was not worth talking about. she went on to say that her father always considered the personal,the domestic, the private not worth talking about. I was so surprised I imagine becausse I spend so much caught up in the domestic. The question of what we shall eat later today or when to go to the store or how towash something so that it is not harmed.
The stories of how my ancesteral mothers faced their lives has had such deep interest for me especially since I realized that the Simon women did not want anything to do with maternity. I want to go into why-maternal death and danger and pot-partum depression??
I have had it both ways: I ran from my childhood marriage and left those beautiful,golden babies to be raised by another strong woman a woman who never complained who did her chores and made sure that the family never even thought of their daily needs they were so completely realized.
I came to see in maturity that indeed it really didn't matter about the husband. Even though I am now married to my perfect husband at least in the heart we are married but not legally still I now realize that it was the wounding of my maternal instinct that caused all the trouble and this wounding was a family inheritance-the women in my mother's line DID NOT LIKE maternity. Pregnancy and childbirth and the resulting children were seen as burdens and my father's mother had only one leg and was married to an ex-con, wrongly accused and convicted and very old then.
Well that is not a very lucid description of what I want to get to. I keep thinking of the women i know who were sold into marriage some even before they could talk by family arrangement. they were not happy in fact some even had to run away but they kept on with the keeping of the house and the caring for the children and this part of life is hidden in plain sight because we denigrate mothers and motherhood and women and wives. This is the Feminine right here with us and we need to become coscious of this and learn to praise this and sing songs to the Mother and to the wives and mothers as we are here today
I find it so sad that only the right-wing Christians really stand up for the mothers and wives. That even now when we should be knowing better the Lefties continue to cry out for women's equality in the workk place rather than crying out for us to recognize the beauty and warmth and safety of the home, the hearth, the beauty brought to us by the mothers and wives tending to the private life that goes unrecognized unappreciated.
So many times I have heard form others that the daily life is not worth conversing over. I remember one friend replying after I complained that she had not spoken of all the work she was doing in her house in order to put the house on the market. she said that that work was not worth talking about. she went on to say that her father always considered the personal,the domestic, the private not worth talking about. I was so surprised I imagine becausse I spend so much caught up in the domestic. The question of what we shall eat later today or when to go to the store or how towash something so that it is not harmed.
The stories of how my ancesteral mothers faced their lives has had such deep interest for me especially since I realized that the Simon women did not want anything to do with maternity. I want to go into why-maternal death and danger and pot-partum depression??
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
9/19/2010
The post I am sharing here was in the Huffington Post today and I was so moved by it that I want to keep it: this is NOT my writing. I thought that I had carried forward the author's name but sadly I have not. this understanding is so sweet to me so perfect for returning to in these days when judgment flies so freely. I apologize through prayer for not getting the author's name.
The answer to the ''problem of evil" can be found in most of the holy texts that have come down to us, through the ages. But it is a tough message to sell. Christ said (1 example) "judge not less you be judged" which prohibits our inclination to discern right and wrong. This in no way inhibits us from making social rules but it does enjoin us from making judgement about the evil of the lawbreaker. Not an easy task when dealing with some of the behavior that leads one to be incarcerated. But the message is clear and not subject to interpretation or clarification. Some philosophers, theologians, have put forward that this was a rejection of dualism. Simply put, everything is perspective. Please, do not interpret this as a rejection of society's role to enact laws and rules or the right to protect ourselves from those who break the rules, by incarceration. But He did say that the judgments were out of our hands and in those of His Father and I have found that He often communicated with parables but never with riddles.
This paragraph will be at the center of my meditations for a long,long time.
The answer to the ''problem of evil" can be found in most of the holy texts that have come down to us, through the ages. But it is a tough message to sell. Christ said (1 example) "judge not less you be judged" which prohibits our inclination to discern right and wrong. This in no way inhibits us from making social rules but it does enjoin us from making judgement about the evil of the lawbreaker. Not an easy task when dealing with some of the behavior that leads one to be incarcerated. But the message is clear and not subject to interpretation or clarification. Some philosophers, theologians, have put forward that this was a rejection of dualism. Simply put, everything is perspective. Please, do not interpret this as a rejection of society's role to enact laws and rules or the right to protect ourselves from those who break the rules, by incarceration. But He did say that the judgments were out of our hands and in those of His Father and I have found that He often communicated with parables but never with riddles.
This paragraph will be at the center of my meditations for a long,long time.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
9/19/2010
Amazing: Elizabet Warren appointed by President Obama comes from Oklahoma and is a Methodist as is Hillary Clinton.
The reference to John Wesley in one of her Wikipedia biography caught my imagination -part of my cultural heritage there on the plains_ I didn't sstay long enough to get to that and in Colorado there was nothing-relegated to the dustbins there and In Californis my first real connections was with the Catholics in the form of Catholic Worker commune. No one was talking real practical everyday Protestant theology and the development of the mind. Interesting. I was turned off by the Protestant Evangelical approach which only worked to give me a guilt complex-the come to Jesus and get your sins washed away doesn't work very well for children and young people. The young ones need thoughts to grow on and help meeting the obligations of life. Usually if things are laden down in Holiness the kids reject it.
I went just now to read on John Wesley and I felt again that creep up my back of boredom and lonliness of the Holy Way. However, getting away from the fored and boring writers I realize that many of the roots of the socialism that we need in order to live freely is right there in Wesley-the doing good things of building houses for the poor or the gathering of old glasses to send over seas to people who are too poor to buy corrective lenses, that one from my childhood Methodist upbringing.
The reference to John Wesley in one of her Wikipedia biography caught my imagination -part of my cultural heritage there on the plains_ I didn't sstay long enough to get to that and in Colorado there was nothing-relegated to the dustbins there and In Californis my first real connections was with the Catholics in the form of Catholic Worker commune. No one was talking real practical everyday Protestant theology and the development of the mind. Interesting. I was turned off by the Protestant Evangelical approach which only worked to give me a guilt complex-the come to Jesus and get your sins washed away doesn't work very well for children and young people. The young ones need thoughts to grow on and help meeting the obligations of life. Usually if things are laden down in Holiness the kids reject it.
I went just now to read on John Wesley and I felt again that creep up my back of boredom and lonliness of the Holy Way. However, getting away from the fored and boring writers I realize that many of the roots of the socialism that we need in order to live freely is right there in Wesley-the doing good things of building houses for the poor or the gathering of old glasses to send over seas to people who are too poor to buy corrective lenses, that one from my childhood Methodist upbringing.
Friday, September 17, 2010
9/18/2010
Moon i Capricorn and sun in Virgo: I am planting kale today. shocking day so far. Power blew out this morning around 5AM but cam back on around 7:00AM. We were very upset and wandered around in our new truck (90's Jeep Cherokee). We went to FoodMax a favorite with people I worked with-bright articulate multe-languaged women who speak Spanicsh perhaps born in Mexico. Couldn't buy anything perishable because we didn't know when our power would be back on. We spent about $50+
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
9/114/2010
Yesterday was the hardest day-I was awakened around midnight and could not get back to sleep and I was so restless and then Comcast again turned off our cable to get us to pay a bill that we do not yet owe-rather we should be paying now for 9/14/2010-10/14/2010 but they have owing all manner of stuff telling us that we owe them $587.65-I am not joking here. At any rate the day went from there and Steve and I trundled over to Copy Central and used their computers for the outrageous price of $8.50 or so 20 cents a minute.
Steve awake and how I love his sweet and loving presence-for me that is the secret of our long relationship- he is gentle and loving and tender and protective and refined in ways I marvel over. He has been my perfect lover for years and that is our secret much as my mother described the sex between her and my father.
Yesterday was as if a conflagration was burning inside of me: the images and thoughts of the San Bruno gas line explosion killing unsuspecting folks in their homes just at dinner time (6:10 PM?) and destroying the homes of so many others-PG&E now says that they have made $100 million available, no strings attached for those hurt by the explosion.
At any rate my sister has also been diagnosed with stage 4 small cell carcinoma in the lungs and is on oxygen and has a shunt so that she can easily be hooked up to the cancer fighting meds that will shrink the tumor and give her some time but even the doctor says that the cancer will return. she is being treated with drugs that are being tested-not backed by the government as safe and effective but there is hope that they will gain approval.
stopped writing to watch The Wire. last season with Steve. So good really good and there goes my attention for writing.
Pookie the white cat came home after being out all night and worrying me. He is asleep in his box right now.
Steve awake and how I love his sweet and loving presence-for me that is the secret of our long relationship- he is gentle and loving and tender and protective and refined in ways I marvel over. He has been my perfect lover for years and that is our secret much as my mother described the sex between her and my father.
Yesterday was as if a conflagration was burning inside of me: the images and thoughts of the San Bruno gas line explosion killing unsuspecting folks in their homes just at dinner time (6:10 PM?) and destroying the homes of so many others-PG&E now says that they have made $100 million available, no strings attached for those hurt by the explosion.
At any rate my sister has also been diagnosed with stage 4 small cell carcinoma in the lungs and is on oxygen and has a shunt so that she can easily be hooked up to the cancer fighting meds that will shrink the tumor and give her some time but even the doctor says that the cancer will return. she is being treated with drugs that are being tested-not backed by the government as safe and effective but there is hope that they will gain approval.
stopped writing to watch The Wire. last season with Steve. So good really good and there goes my attention for writing.
Pookie the white cat came home after being out all night and worrying me. He is asleep in his box right now.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Sitting here thinking of Pluto after reading Judigem and Starlight on Pluto and transformation and thought of my own Saturn Moon Pluto that has troubled mee sso. I was hurt to the quick by Dana Gebharts shallow reference to us Pluto natives: "not the kind of people you want for a neighbor". reading that I fell utterly into the doubt and self-loathing the kind I learned from my mother. Well now I know why my mother so hated herself and good god she deserved a breeak and of course her parents died rather early in her life and she had to take over the family inheritance and try a build a family there.
I had been haunted by thoughts of my maternal grandfather as a molesting father in my efforts to become conscious of that conjunction-so central and provocative to my live especially my maternity. this morning I 'saw" that this is referring to the culture, the religion, the ethos of the culture had so rejected my mother that she had allowed herself to be seduced by someone who would never marry her and do the "right thing" by her and she had to face pregnancy and childbirth on her own and the child was given to adoption (that story just horrible-my brother Bill Green now deceased). At any raate she made every effort to see to it that I got the rules and followed through the right way but of course, Oh Brother Pluto, the truth won out and I do have a better outlook than I would have had if I had been able to stay in that culture (which is literally gone now either to death or migration of the young to places of employment).
Seeing this this morning has given me a freedom I have not had before. I can drop the disturbing images of my Grandpa Chalfant and accept the real life that image has contained within it. And YES!! my mother and myself did break free of those beliefs but we experienced such self-loathing from the consequences of our solitary rebellion against the cruel patriarchy-perhaps not that way for every woman but it certainly was for my mother and myself. I acted out her tragedy ( please!! my sister too had to act it out!! Well of course Mars,Saturn Pluto for her)
At any rate have said for years that I wouldn't even really come alive until 60 or so and sure enough the Sun is now in Leo by progression and sure enough the truth is shining through and the Sun brings his antibiotic action on the sepsis that had set in after the decades of self-loathing. Only now am I mature enough to "see" and to say "okay!! where to now?
Yes!1 the Sun is by progression exactly conjunct Saturn and will in the next few years move over natal Moon and Pluto.
Right now i notice in the progressed chart a square between Mercury and Neptune- time to consider that my love of mind altering substances whether pot or pain relievers or tranquilizers,etc is now interferring with my thinking and use of my intelligence-yep that seems to be the word these days. Progressed Mercury-well scratch thaaat. Review shows that the square happened about ten years ago around the time I joined St Joseph's Church-interesting. that was the pooint at which I began using anti-depressants when my grief over Clinton's Welfare Reform and what it was going to do to poor families almost brought me down. the drug ultimately caussed severe joint problems and I had to stop and eventually came to use Effexor which has been very effective.
Whoosh!1 I was off to look up the news about Wellbutrin and that n time led to a conversation with Steve who was very startled to hear that I use Effexor even though I have told him many times over the years. He said "geez!1 baby that is a super strong medicine" to which I reply "well of course!! I am one crazy woman!!" And reminded him of how hard I took Clinton's welfare reform-I loved welfare. It saved my life and I still believe/know that better welfare would save lives again. We are losing some strong and wonderful souls because they are homeless,etc and by the time they get back into safety it may well be too late for them to recover. Sooo I have been drugged since them and it may very well do me in in the long run-age changes how the brain responds.
Okay I think that I am done for now. Real food is needed by me. I cannot accept factory food nor can I accept factory chemicals in the house. I plan to make caldo-the chicken and broth are prepared and when I add the vegetables, cook some rice. chop some raw onion and cilatro I shall have caldo and I will feel very well thanks to the Rescue Remedy and the years of training as an astrologer and a mother and an office worker.
This is one of the absolute best times of my life even though death looms and I must find a way of coming to terms with it. As if one ever does I imagine-one just surrenders to the inevitable i guess.
I had been haunted by thoughts of my maternal grandfather as a molesting father in my efforts to become conscious of that conjunction-so central and provocative to my live especially my maternity. this morning I 'saw" that this is referring to the culture, the religion, the ethos of the culture had so rejected my mother that she had allowed herself to be seduced by someone who would never marry her and do the "right thing" by her and she had to face pregnancy and childbirth on her own and the child was given to adoption (that story just horrible-my brother Bill Green now deceased). At any raate she made every effort to see to it that I got the rules and followed through the right way but of course, Oh Brother Pluto, the truth won out and I do have a better outlook than I would have had if I had been able to stay in that culture (which is literally gone now either to death or migration of the young to places of employment).
Seeing this this morning has given me a freedom I have not had before. I can drop the disturbing images of my Grandpa Chalfant and accept the real life that image has contained within it. And YES!! my mother and myself did break free of those beliefs but we experienced such self-loathing from the consequences of our solitary rebellion against the cruel patriarchy-perhaps not that way for every woman but it certainly was for my mother and myself. I acted out her tragedy ( please!! my sister too had to act it out!! Well of course Mars,Saturn Pluto for her)
At any rate have said for years that I wouldn't even really come alive until 60 or so and sure enough the Sun is now in Leo by progression and sure enough the truth is shining through and the Sun brings his antibiotic action on the sepsis that had set in after the decades of self-loathing. Only now am I mature enough to "see" and to say "okay!! where to now?
Yes!1 the Sun is by progression exactly conjunct Saturn and will in the next few years move over natal Moon and Pluto.
Right now i notice in the progressed chart a square between Mercury and Neptune- time to consider that my love of mind altering substances whether pot or pain relievers or tranquilizers,etc is now interferring with my thinking and use of my intelligence-yep that seems to be the word these days. Progressed Mercury-well scratch thaaat. Review shows that the square happened about ten years ago around the time I joined St Joseph's Church-interesting. that was the pooint at which I began using anti-depressants when my grief over Clinton's Welfare Reform and what it was going to do to poor families almost brought me down. the drug ultimately caussed severe joint problems and I had to stop and eventually came to use Effexor which has been very effective.
Whoosh!1 I was off to look up the news about Wellbutrin and that n time led to a conversation with Steve who was very startled to hear that I use Effexor even though I have told him many times over the years. He said "geez!1 baby that is a super strong medicine" to which I reply "well of course!! I am one crazy woman!!" And reminded him of how hard I took Clinton's welfare reform-I loved welfare. It saved my life and I still believe/know that better welfare would save lives again. We are losing some strong and wonderful souls because they are homeless,etc and by the time they get back into safety it may well be too late for them to recover. Sooo I have been drugged since them and it may very well do me in in the long run-age changes how the brain responds.
Okay I think that I am done for now. Real food is needed by me. I cannot accept factory food nor can I accept factory chemicals in the house. I plan to make caldo-the chicken and broth are prepared and when I add the vegetables, cook some rice. chop some raw onion and cilatro I shall have caldo and I will feel very well thanks to the Rescue Remedy and the years of training as an astrologer and a mother and an office worker.
This is one of the absolute best times of my life even though death looms and I must find a way of coming to terms with it. As if one ever does I imagine-one just surrenders to the inevitable i guess.
Friday, September 10, 2010
9/10/2010
Jeez- so things are much more troubled than I realized. San Bruno exploded last night when a 30 inch pressurized natural gas line exploded under the streets of San Bruno. 53 houses burned to the ground over a 100 damaged, people dead and missing and injured. So ugly,so ugly and caused by deregulation. The Big Guys saying that they can make money with out utilities and they took over PG&E got rid of all the mature workers hired lowest bidder contractors. Cut everything to the bone, refuse to do the upkeep necessary so that there are now power outages in the winter when there never was before the money guys took over.
I can not stand the kitchen. It is as if I believed in food and believed in cooking and then here I am alone with Steve and I don't want to cook just for us. I want friends and family and hordes depending on me but NOOOOO! my sister now lives in Tennessee with Randy so that she can receive cancer medicine and Aimee hardly ever wants to see me nor do I often want to call her. Yesterday there was a huge gas line explosion in San Bruno and I feel this deep inside-a certain loss of trust in life and suddenly I don't want to go into the empty kitchen and I don't want to feel my empty life and I don't want to feel the grief and sadness that these days have for me I jusst want to lie around and what? take prescription drugs and watch mindless meaningless TV
I can not stand the kitchen. It is as if I believed in food and believed in cooking and then here I am alone with Steve and I don't want to cook just for us. I want friends and family and hordes depending on me but NOOOOO! my sister now lives in Tennessee with Randy so that she can receive cancer medicine and Aimee hardly ever wants to see me nor do I often want to call her. Yesterday there was a huge gas line explosion in San Bruno and I feel this deep inside-a certain loss of trust in life and suddenly I don't want to go into the empty kitchen and I don't want to feel my empty life and I don't want to feel the grief and sadness that these days have for me I jusst want to lie around and what? take prescription drugs and watch mindless meaningless TV
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A copy from the blog: Hecate-this goes so deep with me:
Suddenly, the nights are noticeably longer and there are, in fact, leaves falling on the lawn. The CSA is delivering acorn squash, and apples, and mushrooms and I'm thinking of soups. I've been able to turn off the air conditioning and open up the windows. In a few days, the Wheel of the Year will have turned all the way around to Mabon, the second of the three Harvest Feasts. (For the first time in years, I'll be out of town, away from my amazing circle of women, celebrating on my own, due to a court schedule beyond my control. I'm working on a plan to commune with some new nature so that I don't wind up making a sad little altar in my hotel room and feeling (too!) sorry for myself.)
Having three harvests is a pretty neat thing. It goes back, I think, to a time when monoculture was unheard of. If you grow different fruits and vegetables and raise different animals (as any sane people would do unless they lived in an incredibly hostile environment), they mature at different times. And you have different harvests, which come in an almost rolling cascade: radishes and asparagus giving way to too many tomatoes, the tomatoes giving way to too many zucchini, the zucchini giving way to the first autumn squashes and winter greens. In my herb garden, the tarragon is finished and the basil is warning me that if I don't "get around" this weekend to making it into pesto to be frozen in ice cube trays for the winter, I'll be out of luck. One thing about harvests is, when the food is ready to be picked, it's ready to be picked. We have to stop, pay attention, do what the plant requires of us when the plant requires it. That's part of what it means to be "in relationship" with the land.
It's traditional among many Wiccans to view this time of year as a time when we "harvest" other things, as well. If you set goals for yourself last Samhein, and if you've worked on those goals and been blessed with good health and good luck, you may be close to reaping the rewards of your work, whether spiritual, magical, financial, emotional, physical, or educational. And, if you're not, now's a good time to figure out what you can salvage and what happened to get in your way, all in preparation for the final harvest feast of Samhein.
I find it a good time of year, as well, to take stock. What have you got to carry you into the cold and difficult part of the year? What might you need to focus on now, that may have gotten lost in the heat of summer, the long days laboring in the threshing field?
If you consider yourself to be a member of a Nature Religion, I'd like to suggest that one of the areas you consider is your relationship with Nature. Do you have a relationship with -- not just a vaguely benign feeling for -- your landbase, your local watershed, some particular plants, or animals, or places near to where you live? If so, what can you do to improve that relationship? We Witches say that power follows attention. If not, what can you do to begin to actually live your Nature Religion? We Witches say that power follows attention.
By now, you know that I don't believe that, "Well, but I live in the city," is a good excuse. Most Pagans in America today live in cities. And the landbase of every city in America is crying out for relationship with its humans. You don't have to have a yard. As I've noted before, cities are full of deserted spaces, almost custom made for a Witch's attention and connection. (And devotee of Hers that I am, I can't help but mention that it is in just such deserted, liminal spaces that Hecate often resides.) In Last Child in the Forest: Saving Our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder, Richard Louv writes about the work of Robert Michael Pyle, who described his relationship as a child with "a century-old irrigation channel near his home. The ditch . . . was his 'sanctuary, playground, and sulking walk,' his 'imaginary wilderness, escape hatch, and birthplace as a naturalist.'"
Louv:
"These are the places of initiation, where the borders between ourselves and other creatures break down, where the earth gets under our nails and a sense of play gets under our skin," Pyle writes. These are the "secondhand lands, the hand-me-down-habitats where you have to look hard to find something to love." Richard Mabey, a British writer and naturalist calls such environments, undeveloped and unprotected, the "unofficial countryside." Such habitats are often rich with life and opportunities to learn; in a single decade, Pyle recorded some seventy kinds of butterflies along his ditch.
In the shower today I saw a line on the shower curtain that reminded me of Jung and thought of Jung brought to mind an old male maternal ancestor a great,great, grandfather. All the old men of that line were gone-the Grandfathers Simon and Thurow and I can't even name after the Simon name which would be paternal? What would be the maternal names and how could I find out? GOOGLE the Thurows and see if the family genealogy shows up from the work of a relative who was a professor at one of the State colleges?
Suddenly, the nights are noticeably longer and there are, in fact, leaves falling on the lawn. The CSA is delivering acorn squash, and apples, and mushrooms and I'm thinking of soups. I've been able to turn off the air conditioning and open up the windows. In a few days, the Wheel of the Year will have turned all the way around to Mabon, the second of the three Harvest Feasts. (For the first time in years, I'll be out of town, away from my amazing circle of women, celebrating on my own, due to a court schedule beyond my control. I'm working on a plan to commune with some new nature so that I don't wind up making a sad little altar in my hotel room and feeling (too!) sorry for myself.)
Having three harvests is a pretty neat thing. It goes back, I think, to a time when monoculture was unheard of. If you grow different fruits and vegetables and raise different animals (as any sane people would do unless they lived in an incredibly hostile environment), they mature at different times. And you have different harvests, which come in an almost rolling cascade: radishes and asparagus giving way to too many tomatoes, the tomatoes giving way to too many zucchini, the zucchini giving way to the first autumn squashes and winter greens. In my herb garden, the tarragon is finished and the basil is warning me that if I don't "get around" this weekend to making it into pesto to be frozen in ice cube trays for the winter, I'll be out of luck. One thing about harvests is, when the food is ready to be picked, it's ready to be picked. We have to stop, pay attention, do what the plant requires of us when the plant requires it. That's part of what it means to be "in relationship" with the land.
It's traditional among many Wiccans to view this time of year as a time when we "harvest" other things, as well. If you set goals for yourself last Samhein, and if you've worked on those goals and been blessed with good health and good luck, you may be close to reaping the rewards of your work, whether spiritual, magical, financial, emotional, physical, or educational. And, if you're not, now's a good time to figure out what you can salvage and what happened to get in your way, all in preparation for the final harvest feast of Samhein.
I find it a good time of year, as well, to take stock. What have you got to carry you into the cold and difficult part of the year? What might you need to focus on now, that may have gotten lost in the heat of summer, the long days laboring in the threshing field?
If you consider yourself to be a member of a Nature Religion, I'd like to suggest that one of the areas you consider is your relationship with Nature. Do you have a relationship with -- not just a vaguely benign feeling for -- your landbase, your local watershed, some particular plants, or animals, or places near to where you live? If so, what can you do to improve that relationship? We Witches say that power follows attention. If not, what can you do to begin to actually live your Nature Religion? We Witches say that power follows attention.
By now, you know that I don't believe that, "Well, but I live in the city," is a good excuse. Most Pagans in America today live in cities. And the landbase of every city in America is crying out for relationship with its humans. You don't have to have a yard. As I've noted before, cities are full of deserted spaces, almost custom made for a Witch's attention and connection. (And devotee of Hers that I am, I can't help but mention that it is in just such deserted, liminal spaces that Hecate often resides.) In Last Child in the Forest: Saving Our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder, Richard Louv writes about the work of Robert Michael Pyle, who described his relationship as a child with "a century-old irrigation channel near his home. The ditch . . . was his 'sanctuary, playground, and sulking walk,' his 'imaginary wilderness, escape hatch, and birthplace as a naturalist.'"
Louv:
"These are the places of initiation, where the borders between ourselves and other creatures break down, where the earth gets under our nails and a sense of play gets under our skin," Pyle writes. These are the "secondhand lands, the hand-me-down-habitats where you have to look hard to find something to love." Richard Mabey, a British writer and naturalist calls such environments, undeveloped and unprotected, the "unofficial countryside." Such habitats are often rich with life and opportunities to learn; in a single decade, Pyle recorded some seventy kinds of butterflies along his ditch.
In the shower today I saw a line on the shower curtain that reminded me of Jung and thought of Jung brought to mind an old male maternal ancestor a great,great, grandfather. All the old men of that line were gone-the Grandfathers Simon and Thurow and I can't even name after the Simon name which would be paternal? What would be the maternal names and how could I find out? GOOGLE the Thurows and see if the family genealogy shows up from the work of a relative who was a professor at one of the State colleges?
9/09/2010
Post to Starlight-much,much too long for that venue
I haven’t felt like responding for some time but this morning I must.
Re the the pastor in Florida and the public burning of the Koran. Seems to me that he suffers some type of dementia-he reportedly drove away his congregation in Germany with his hatred. sounds as though he is a deeply confused man. And he is simply putting into flesh the Word all around that Muslims attacked us and want us dead with never a word about what “we”,the Westerners, have done in the ME.
The talk about possible insurgency In Mexico: I have suspected all along that the so called drug cartels ,etc are paid operatives and they use many of the methods taught in our very own “School Of The Assassins”. As the right-wingers see so many of their plans falling apart (read your history re: Chile in the 70’s or rent “Missing” the movie with Jack Lemmon and Sissy Spasek) and god forbid! socialist governments take hold in countries that the oil companies,etc once owned, the oligarchs who own the world or think that they do will do anything to maintain control. As we know these are the ones behind the idea of global society-the facts have all been laid out over the years and appear in the “underground” press but first one must wade through all the stories of Lizard People,UFO’s,etc. but the facts are all there. The most positive things we can do right now is learn to live in the manner of our grandparents or for you younger ones in the manner of your great,great-grandparents and develop loving hearts that will protect us from the hatred the Masters want us to consume and in time become our own loonie pastors from Florida.
Copied something I sent into Starlight. The past few days so much has reminded me of the days of the American financed/led coup in Chile and all the suffering. I wasn't as involved with what happened in Argentenia but that also involved the hundreds perhaps thousands of the "disappeared". Costa Gravis depicted Chile in the film Missing which I just learned was forced out of circulation until 2001 or so due to a lawsuit brought by some American military types.
At any raate it was PatC. linking a piece with Hillary Clinton saying that what is going on in Mexico is beginning to sound like an attempt to takeover the government. The trumpet call to enter Mexico and in time oh yes in time make Mexico part of the US
I haven’t felt like responding for some time but this morning I must.
Re the the pastor in Florida and the public burning of the Koran. Seems to me that he suffers some type of dementia-he reportedly drove away his congregation in Germany with his hatred. sounds as though he is a deeply confused man. And he is simply putting into flesh the Word all around that Muslims attacked us and want us dead with never a word about what “we”,the Westerners, have done in the ME.
The talk about possible insurgency In Mexico: I have suspected all along that the so called drug cartels ,etc are paid operatives and they use many of the methods taught in our very own “School Of The Assassins”. As the right-wingers see so many of their plans falling apart (read your history re: Chile in the 70’s or rent “Missing” the movie with Jack Lemmon and Sissy Spasek) and god forbid! socialist governments take hold in countries that the oil companies,etc once owned, the oligarchs who own the world or think that they do will do anything to maintain control. As we know these are the ones behind the idea of global society-the facts have all been laid out over the years and appear in the “underground” press but first one must wade through all the stories of Lizard People,UFO’s,etc. but the facts are all there. The most positive things we can do right now is learn to live in the manner of our grandparents or for you younger ones in the manner of your great,great-grandparents and develop loving hearts that will protect us from the hatred the Masters want us to consume and in time become our own loonie pastors from Florida.
Copied something I sent into Starlight. The past few days so much has reminded me of the days of the American financed/led coup in Chile and all the suffering. I wasn't as involved with what happened in Argentenia but that also involved the hundreds perhaps thousands of the "disappeared". Costa Gravis depicted Chile in the film Missing which I just learned was forced out of circulation until 2001 or so due to a lawsuit brought by some American military types.
At any raate it was PatC. linking a piece with Hillary Clinton saying that what is going on in Mexico is beginning to sound like an attempt to takeover the government. The trumpet call to enter Mexico and in time oh yes in time make Mexico part of the US
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
9/7/2010 continues
So I ended up posting in the middle of a paragraph after I left my seat for some coffee and when I returned my eldest cat, Bebe, had shut me down and started a new page. I never have completed the instructions for running this blogspot.com system so I have simply started a new page after rescuing the previous entry from the "draft"file.
Increaasingly I simply must turn away from TV unless i am watching movies on the "On Demand" button. for politics I continue to turn to radio-screw the TV and all the zillions form GE and NBC and their hatred of Obama and the Dmocraats.
I can't believe that no one talks about the very obvious conspiracy to keep money back so that all the decent Republicans will have to come out against Obama no matter how much he sucks up (Rahm Emmanuel's direction?)to them and their values and beliefs. Now after alienating all of us on the "professional Left" Obama comes trotting out his charm and"fire". One wonders if he didn't promise his handlers that he would "lose" the vote so that they, the "New Republicans", can come bounding in with all their new ways and ideas and HATE HATE HATE.
I am so angry at Obama for allowing these creeps to make him appear small and not pink, just a "nice colored boy" with huge ears who is swallowed up by the Office. I am hoping for him and for me and for us that he will come out firing and inspire us and put an end to the insane Tea Party crap manufactured by billionaires who could care less about us, the"lesser folk"but who sure know how to use us and minipulate us. Oh!1 the types like the Koch Brohters could use all their ill gotten treasure to lift the consciousness and help find a way to employ everyone who can and wants to work and to retire those who are too ill or too old now to work. We could find a way to cover everyone with health insurance and continue to employ human beings in the functions we do best-human services instead of these horrible computer programs that direct out calls and are so deadening htat one doesn't even want to speak when one finally gets to a living human being.
We can afford to pay welfare for families who aren't making it and who need to survive. We don't have to be so full of hate that we won't give the parents of young, young children enough money to pay rent and pay for carfare, etc.
I don't know but I was so always grateful that I had my wonderful job with the status that my underdeveloped sense of society and social position found gratifying even though dealing with the paper was always a struggle I had an easy time dealing with regulations.
Oh more later the day calls.
Increaasingly I simply must turn away from TV unless i am watching movies on the "On Demand" button. for politics I continue to turn to radio-screw the TV and all the zillions form GE and NBC and their hatred of Obama and the Dmocraats.
I can't believe that no one talks about the very obvious conspiracy to keep money back so that all the decent Republicans will have to come out against Obama no matter how much he sucks up (Rahm Emmanuel's direction?)to them and their values and beliefs. Now after alienating all of us on the "professional Left" Obama comes trotting out his charm and"fire". One wonders if he didn't promise his handlers that he would "lose" the vote so that they, the "New Republicans", can come bounding in with all their new ways and ideas and HATE HATE HATE.
I am so angry at Obama for allowing these creeps to make him appear small and not pink, just a "nice colored boy" with huge ears who is swallowed up by the Office. I am hoping for him and for me and for us that he will come out firing and inspire us and put an end to the insane Tea Party crap manufactured by billionaires who could care less about us, the"lesser folk"but who sure know how to use us and minipulate us. Oh!1 the types like the Koch Brohters could use all their ill gotten treasure to lift the consciousness and help find a way to employ everyone who can and wants to work and to retire those who are too ill or too old now to work. We could find a way to cover everyone with health insurance and continue to employ human beings in the functions we do best-human services instead of these horrible computer programs that direct out calls and are so deadening htat one doesn't even want to speak when one finally gets to a living human being.
We can afford to pay welfare for families who aren't making it and who need to survive. We don't have to be so full of hate that we won't give the parents of young, young children enough money to pay rent and pay for carfare, etc.
I don't know but I was so always grateful that I had my wonderful job with the status that my underdeveloped sense of society and social position found gratifying even though dealing with the paper was always a struggle I had an easy time dealing with regulations.
Oh more later the day calls.
9/7/2010
Happy Birthday Douglas. My grandson, Shawn's son,9/7/1997. My grandson, Arvin,Amie's son 9/6/1996. Both of these kids are so bright, bright,bright. They both have siblings who are bright as well but these little Virgos are something although Arvin at 5'10" is not small.
Sally of astroworld called to talk about my sister and cancer: I am woefully uninformed the last time I had anything to do with cancer was with my father in 1989 and then with Robert 1993. both men were dead within the year of diagnosis and this experience has certainly colored my response to Buffy's diagnosis. She is in level 4 with a huge mass in her right lung and small cell,aggressive cancer. And she begins treatment on friday to shrink the tumor and get the cancer to retreat and we are told that it will retreat but will come back. The cancer is in her lymph system and "on her liver". The medical people said that she would have been dead in weeks and now she will have months. Perhaps she will have much longer.
I miss having her here and only needed a little break from the daily,every day care and attention. I can tell from our conversation that although she loves being with her Randy she misses being here and our connection of a lifetime together. I do worry that I may never see her again or at least not in the regular daily way which is what I love more than anything-the grinding routine of daily life, the "small"life of the "lesser people (thank you forever Alan Simpson-you elitist pig).
Politics are devastating these days-no matter how insane the people seem to be going for the Tea Party folk such as Rand Paul, the insane son of Ron Paul. Or good god Haley Barber
Sally of astroworld called to talk about my sister and cancer: I am woefully uninformed the last time I had anything to do with cancer was with my father in 1989 and then with Robert 1993. both men were dead within the year of diagnosis and this experience has certainly colored my response to Buffy's diagnosis. She is in level 4 with a huge mass in her right lung and small cell,aggressive cancer. And she begins treatment on friday to shrink the tumor and get the cancer to retreat and we are told that it will retreat but will come back. The cancer is in her lymph system and "on her liver". The medical people said that she would have been dead in weeks and now she will have months. Perhaps she will have much longer.
I miss having her here and only needed a little break from the daily,every day care and attention. I can tell from our conversation that although she loves being with her Randy she misses being here and our connection of a lifetime together. I do worry that I may never see her again or at least not in the regular daily way which is what I love more than anything-the grinding routine of daily life, the "small"life of the "lesser people (thank you forever Alan Simpson-you elitist pig).
Politics are devastating these days-no matter how insane the people seem to be going for the Tea Party folk such as Rand Paul, the insane son of Ron Paul. Or good god Haley Barber
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Sunday 9/5/2010
I am scattered all over the place. the changes of the past few weeks and the goings and comings of everyone in my immediate family have me scattered. I also realize that I cannot be blunt here and for that I have regret.
i went outside quickly to pull up squash plant that was overwhelmed by white fuzz and was taking up too much room next to the beans and spinach and the orange sun was so low in the sky and so warm and I took the diseased plants to the recycling barrel and all of a sudden I stood there in the absolute line of history of moments into infinity of human beings raising my plants and feeding my family and walking on the earth and feeding into this time of eternity. I felt shivers over my arms and even through my spirit. Participating in that which we have always been doing and which is only hidden now which still even now feeds us and nourishes us and protects us-will get us to another season of the warm days and evenings when life is easy even if full of work.
All this summer I have walked out to my garden, couple of squash, a few beans, a few greens,some spinach, some sage that i plan to use this autumn with the turkey and even with the turkey soup. I have loved the peace in my little garden but today I felt my place in the line and remember my grandparents who gardened and canned and cooked and washed and made a living that way after all the money was gone and the crops were given up on. My grandmother hated my grandfather because he was a failure with the money always heading out to the West not staying with his people, the Chalfants in Where? and why do I go back to these subjects over and over. I would rather sstay where I was that moment where the little things are gone now and all that remains is survival and that is beautiful.
OOOH! i am weary of the old Saturn Moon Pluto in Leo in the 4th-over,over and over my family, maternal family,history.
i went outside quickly to pull up squash plant that was overwhelmed by white fuzz and was taking up too much room next to the beans and spinach and the orange sun was so low in the sky and so warm and I took the diseased plants to the recycling barrel and all of a sudden I stood there in the absolute line of history of moments into infinity of human beings raising my plants and feeding my family and walking on the earth and feeding into this time of eternity. I felt shivers over my arms and even through my spirit. Participating in that which we have always been doing and which is only hidden now which still even now feeds us and nourishes us and protects us-will get us to another season of the warm days and evenings when life is easy even if full of work.
All this summer I have walked out to my garden, couple of squash, a few beans, a few greens,some spinach, some sage that i plan to use this autumn with the turkey and even with the turkey soup. I have loved the peace in my little garden but today I felt my place in the line and remember my grandparents who gardened and canned and cooked and washed and made a living that way after all the money was gone and the crops were given up on. My grandmother hated my grandfather because he was a failure with the money always heading out to the West not staying with his people, the Chalfants in Where? and why do I go back to these subjects over and over. I would rather sstay where I was that moment where the little things are gone now and all that remains is survival and that is beautiful.
OOOH! i am weary of the old Saturn Moon Pluto in Leo in the 4th-over,over and over my family, maternal family,history.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Septembe 3, 2010
Happy that I just now had a shower and gave the rent check to Houston. I was wrapped in Steve's blue towel which covered me well and he was surprised saying that he told Ignatius that he would be here around noon-oh well!! Ignatius may have said but i had forgotten if that is it-who cares really.
Watching the Good Wife which I love but I am watching a scene of people drinking to celebrate and drinking to the point of getting drunk is so damaging and yet this activity is celebrated in the movies and on TV and pot smoking is considered illegal and underclass and I find this nuts and one of the real reasons I remain on the outside of society looking in. and I imagine that this no longer matters here at 63 while I sorrow over my sister and Julie and Barbara and Deva Ki. All alone now trusting in my friends and finding out that they are not trusting in me that they in fact find me a lot trouble and would like to have me out of their lives or then like my sister who just wants to be with Randy especially now that it is discovered that she has lung cancer which is fairly advanced. Randy's girls obviously think that I am a complete grunge even though people here realize how dedicated I have been to Buffy. Really frightening how little medical care she was getting from kaiseer-drugs yes but no one to care even though her dementia and cough were recognized. Often when I called the office the nurses wanted to talk to her and would not talk to me. And i just got tired and worn down and to the family I imagine that the appearance is that I just didn't care.
I had the rockiest start today but as usual the kittens, now yearlings,and the plants bring me back. Bring me back to that place where there is always beauty and another tomorrow. Money will start flowing again.
Okay the uric acid thing can be corrected by 'alkalizing' my interior with fruits, fresh vegetables and some fish. I need to get rid of dairy and meat and sugar and exercise I imagine. That is for the gouty big toe. I need to keep losing weight with exercise and cutting back on the amounts of food. the demands of the gouty toe will help with the diet.. for gout,etc the big thing is drinking lots of water which I do anyway. and the foods that pack on the weight- the rich foods, the alcohol and meat and dairy.
Back later perhaps-still sad
Watching the Good Wife which I love but I am watching a scene of people drinking to celebrate and drinking to the point of getting drunk is so damaging and yet this activity is celebrated in the movies and on TV and pot smoking is considered illegal and underclass and I find this nuts and one of the real reasons I remain on the outside of society looking in. and I imagine that this no longer matters here at 63 while I sorrow over my sister and Julie and Barbara and Deva Ki. All alone now trusting in my friends and finding out that they are not trusting in me that they in fact find me a lot trouble and would like to have me out of their lives or then like my sister who just wants to be with Randy especially now that it is discovered that she has lung cancer which is fairly advanced. Randy's girls obviously think that I am a complete grunge even though people here realize how dedicated I have been to Buffy. Really frightening how little medical care she was getting from kaiseer-drugs yes but no one to care even though her dementia and cough were recognized. Often when I called the office the nurses wanted to talk to her and would not talk to me. And i just got tired and worn down and to the family I imagine that the appearance is that I just didn't care.
I had the rockiest start today but as usual the kittens, now yearlings,and the plants bring me back. Bring me back to that place where there is always beauty and another tomorrow. Money will start flowing again.
Okay the uric acid thing can be corrected by 'alkalizing' my interior with fruits, fresh vegetables and some fish. I need to get rid of dairy and meat and sugar and exercise I imagine. That is for the gouty big toe. I need to keep losing weight with exercise and cutting back on the amounts of food. the demands of the gouty toe will help with the diet.. for gout,etc the big thing is drinking lots of water which I do anyway. and the foods that pack on the weight- the rich foods, the alcohol and meat and dairy.
Back later perhaps-still sad
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
9/1/2010
Abolish Plutocracy if you would abolish poverty. As millionaires increase pauperism increases. the more millinaires the more paupers. Rutherford B. Hayes- found in the 8/30/2010 article by the wonderful Jude Cowell who is amazing in her output-she is also an artist. I love her artwork done in my beloved Prima Color pencils that I once used to color charts. Not all her work is in that medium but this is a clue to how encouraged and sympatico I am with her mentality. I read her daily and I believe I absorb her thinking and really respond to her. Again, as I said earlier, I am amazed by her level of production and by our harmony. She even has a piece entitled 28 Aries a degree on importance in the maternal line of my mother.
I also printed a poem by John Donahue 'The Inner History of a Day'. I was so moved by this-for me he touches the outline of God/Goddess and leads right back to 'me/the human person'. This poem is wonderful for the beginning of the day and for a benediction. I was deeply,deeply moved and wanted to capture it to have forever to remember and to grow with.
I dreamed that I was in a meeting of what might be 'Post-Christian women'. we were meeting in a roman Catholic setting but we were very free of the confines of the church. One woman had twins and another no children and I had one I think. The timing of our meetings was a little confused and it seemed that I would end up staying over-accommodations were meager but doable.I for instance would sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor in a a more public space that was now quiet. In the beginning we were
organized for a big meeting but somehow that was over or not expected any longer. I wanted to go to sleep but somehow got engaged with some commerce types and went through
a strange shopping trip where the stores were empty but there was excitement that new products were on the way. It is here that I learned that Judy Able's father had been smuggled back into the country. I spoke up and said Judy's father is dead but everyone said that I was mistaken. He is an illegal and was smuggled into the country. He was illiterate and almost couldn't communicate he was laying in the fetal position in a single-occupation room in downtown San Francisco.
While listening to and thinking of President Obama's speech please listen to Democracy Now and the journalist Joy Gordon. Here is the link and you will need some time to listen: http://kpfa.org/archive/id/63677. My domestic partner said that I have always talked about this but I was so knocked over by this woman that I want to share.
am using the TV now for entertaiment only-reruns of the spy/cop stories I love or murder mysteries or just plain good movies, etc. I refuse to listen to TV news and the interpretation of our current history-if you listen to the history that Joy Gordon gives based on what has actually happened not what the government wants us to think about- your orientation will be moved radically,profoundly.
Why did we,the US, need to reduce Iraq to stoneage level in order to help them? Whose desire was this that inspired George the Faather to repeat again and again that we would now see a new wold order?
At any rate this is what is on my mind and has been these past few days. I am sickened that the Dems have turned craven and the Republicans have revealed the depths of their hatred and their desire to unleash vicious attacks on anyone who appears to be different. I think we registered Democrats could find our guts if only we faced the truth about Iraq but then our leaders are paid by the same folk who paid for the destruction of Iraq. Hard to know where to turn but once again in life I know in my heart that 'staight people' do not know in which direction the wind is blowing and I am in the process of rejecting their news and beliefs.IWhile listening to and thinking of President Obama's speech please listen to Democracy Now and the journalist Joy Gordon. Here is the link and you will need some time to listen: http://kpfa.org/archive/id/63677. My domestic partner said that I have always talked about this but I was so knocked over by this woman that I want to share.
am using the TV now for entertaiament only-reruns of the spy/cop stories I love or murder mysteries or just plain good movies, etc. I refuse to listen to TV news and the interpretation of our current history-if you listen to the history that Joy Gordon gives based on what has actually happened not what the government wants us to think about- your orientation will be moved radically,profoundly.
Why did we,the US, need to reduce Iraq to stone-age level in order to help them? Whose desire was this that inspired George the Father to repeat again and again that we would now see a new wold order?
At any rate this is what is on my mind and has been these past few days. I am sickened that the Dems have turned craven and the Republicans have revealed the depths of their hatred and their desire to unleash vicious attacks on anyone who appears to be different. I think we registered Democrats could find our guts if only we faced the truth about Iraq but then our leaders are paid by the same folk who paid for the destruction of Iraq. Hard to know where to turn but once again in life I know in my heart that 'staight people' do not know in which direction the wind is blowing and I am in the process of rejecting their news and beliefs.I
I also printed a poem by John Donahue 'The Inner History of a Day'. I was so moved by this-for me he touches the outline of God/Goddess and leads right back to 'me/the human person'. This poem is wonderful for the beginning of the day and for a benediction. I was deeply,deeply moved and wanted to capture it to have forever to remember and to grow with.
I dreamed that I was in a meeting of what might be 'Post-Christian women'. we were meeting in a roman Catholic setting but we were very free of the confines of the church. One woman had twins and another no children and I had one I think. The timing of our meetings was a little confused and it seemed that I would end up staying over-accommodations were meager but doable.I for instance would sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor in a a more public space that was now quiet. In the beginning we were
organized for a big meeting but somehow that was over or not expected any longer. I wanted to go to sleep but somehow got engaged with some commerce types and went through
a strange shopping trip where the stores were empty but there was excitement that new products were on the way. It is here that I learned that Judy Able's father had been smuggled back into the country. I spoke up and said Judy's father is dead but everyone said that I was mistaken. He is an illegal and was smuggled into the country. He was illiterate and almost couldn't communicate he was laying in the fetal position in a single-occupation room in downtown San Francisco.
While listening to and thinking of President Obama's speech please listen to Democracy Now and the journalist Joy Gordon. Here is the link and you will need some time to listen: http://kpfa.org/archive/id/63677. My domestic partner said that I have always talked about this but I was so knocked over by this woman that I want to share.
am using the TV now for entertaiment only-reruns of the spy/cop stories I love or murder mysteries or just plain good movies, etc. I refuse to listen to TV news and the interpretation of our current history-if you listen to the history that Joy Gordon gives based on what has actually happened not what the government wants us to think about- your orientation will be moved radically,profoundly.
Why did we,the US, need to reduce Iraq to stoneage level in order to help them? Whose desire was this that inspired George the Faather to repeat again and again that we would now see a new wold order?
At any rate this is what is on my mind and has been these past few days. I am sickened that the Dems have turned craven and the Republicans have revealed the depths of their hatred and their desire to unleash vicious attacks on anyone who appears to be different. I think we registered Democrats could find our guts if only we faced the truth about Iraq but then our leaders are paid by the same folk who paid for the destruction of Iraq. Hard to know where to turn but once again in life I know in my heart that 'staight people' do not know in which direction the wind is blowing and I am in the process of rejecting their news and beliefs.IWhile listening to and thinking of President Obama's speech please listen to Democracy Now and the journalist Joy Gordon. Here is the link and you will need some time to listen: http://kpfa.org/archive/id/63677. My domestic partner said that I have always talked about this but I was so knocked over by this woman that I want to share.
am using the TV now for entertaiament only-reruns of the spy/cop stories I love or murder mysteries or just plain good movies, etc. I refuse to listen to TV news and the interpretation of our current history-if you listen to the history that Joy Gordon gives based on what has actually happened not what the government wants us to think about- your orientation will be moved radically,profoundly.
Why did we,the US, need to reduce Iraq to stone-age level in order to help them? Whose desire was this that inspired George the Father to repeat again and again that we would now see a new wold order?
At any rate this is what is on my mind and has been these past few days. I am sickened that the Dems have turned craven and the Republicans have revealed the depths of their hatred and their desire to unleash vicious attacks on anyone who appears to be different. I think we registered Democrats could find our guts if only we faced the truth about Iraq but then our leaders are paid by the same folk who paid for the destruction of Iraq. Hard to know where to turn but once again in life I know in my heart that 'staight people' do not know in which direction the wind is blowing and I am in the process of rejecting their news and beliefs.I
9/1/10
So I almost lost the John donahue oem that I found posted on Hecate. I was so moved by the truth in his thoughts and words and I want to have his poem with me always.
Hard times these days.
Hard times these days.
Salute to John Donahue
The Inner History of a Day
by John O'Donohue
No one knew the name of this day;
Born quietly from deepest night,
It hid its face in light,
Demanded nothing for itself,
Opened out to offer each of us
A field of brightness that traveled ahead,
Providing in time, ground to hold our footsteps
And the light of thought to show the way.
The mind of the day draws no attention;
It dwells within the silence with elegance
To create a space for all our words,
Drawing us to listen inward and outward.
We seldom notice how each day is a holy place
Where the eucharist of the ordinary happens,
Transforming our broken fragments
Into an eternal continuity that keeps us.
Somewhere in us a dignity presides
That is more gracious than the smallness
That fuels us with fear and force,
A dignity that trusts the form a day takes.
So at the end of this day, we give thanks
For being betrothed to the unknown
And for the secret work
Through which the mind of the day
And wisdom of the soul become one.
The Inner History of a Day
by John O'Donohue
No one knew the name of this day;
Born quietly from deepest night,
It hid its face in light,
Demanded nothing for itself,
Opened out to offer each of us
A field of brightness that traveled ahead,
Providing in time, ground to hold our footsteps
And the light of thought to show the way.
The mind of the day draws no attention;
It dwells within the silence with elegance
To create a space for all our words,
Drawing us to listen inward and outward.
We seldom notice how each day is a holy place
Where the eucharist of the ordinary happens,
Transforming our broken fragments
Into an eternal continuity that keeps us.
Somewhere in us a dignity presides
That is more gracious than the smallness
That fuels us with fear and force,
A dignity that trusts the form a day takes.
So at the end of this day, we give thanks
For being betrothed to the unknown
And for the secret work
Through which the mind of the day
And wisdom of the soul become one.
The Inner History of a Day
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