Well I can't really write friends and family: what I am dreaming and thinking are not really subjects for social interaction rather they are more individualized analysis of relationships and philosophy and religious issues.
I was so shocked by my response to her death. I hadn't thought of her as the last of my natal family and I sort of realized that I was unhinged,floating through eternity into the vast silent black psychic sky-The Void. I WAS OVERWHELMED!! I was shocked speechless by Buffy's death. She was always my lynch pin except for the period of our twenties. I thought that I was better than my sister a message I received from my mother. Now in my sixties I think that my mother projected her shadow onto Buffy and Buffy got a lot of hurt and ongoing pain because of that. I didn't realize this when I was younger and in fact there was quite a bit of withdrawal from the people in my daily life by the time I was pretty young-I developed ways of not knowing anything pretty early and hunkered down round my own make believe and Buffy and I were just getting used to knowing that we loved each other and that we needed each other and then she got sick and died and I was left behind and I have been changed by this and the fact that I will be 65 on my next birthday. I simply didn't believe that I came in alone and I will also leave alone. I know that this is almost cliche or at least the way we use the words.
I think that I am coming alive again and in a way I will never be a child again. Puer, so strong in me, is at last defeated. I was so frightened of this development that I have been depressed and I have wondered if I am not a little suicidal or at least I was for a moment there.
I am going to lay on the bed.
Friday, December 30, 2011
12/30/2011
Caitlin Matthews who in her photo appears, to me, to be standing in the middle of the 19th century in Ireland in a thatched roof cottage has a wonderful essay on the Heirophant. She brings all the beauty of the culture captured in tradition and shared so that we have and understand our own values and loves. She correctly explains that the idea of the Heirophant as an old stick in the mud such as, to me,the current RC Pope who hilariously from his golden threads and elegant oils and immaculately clean rooms announces that the wealth of Creation is unfairly divided. fact is that humans believe that the gods show favor by allotting wealth to the lucky one.
I plan to order her book.
I plan to order her book.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
December 27.2011
"In Jungian terms, the astrological evidence suggests that the collective unconscious is ultimately embedded in the macrocosm itself, with the planetary motions a synchronistic reflection of the unfolding archetypal dynamics of human experience.
"In Platonic terms, astrology affirms the existence of an anima mundi informing the cosmos, a world soul in which the human psyche participates as a microcosm of the whole."
-- Richard Tarnas
Cosmos and Psyche
advertisements
"If the study of astrology and its deeper meanings can provide anything, it is a real confidence in one's authentic self, thus encouraging the ability to relax into an acceptance of one's true nature."
-- Stephen Arroyo
Person-to-Person Astrology
Well Neptune Cafe is jumping and mentions the upcoming 5/20/2012 eclipse -I was born just after such an eclipse which one can see by my Sun conjunct the Moon's N Node-I wonder what this one is bringing. Of course I am reminded of Tom Sawyer's creator who was born when a comet was transiting and who died when the comet returned. I am full of the creepies these days struggling to come to grips with the death that has so impacted me and left me feeling stranded in the cosmos since my sister departed 4/29/2011 and left me standing alone,all the family gone before me-well the children are still here although my beautiful, creative Lisa and her daughter Krystil are gone now.
I have passed through the darkest moments that came, I believe, because I just don't like death nor thoughts of death nor evidence of the shortness of our time in the sun. I feel like I have come to a point of acceptance but even this causes me to wonder if I am not simply shrugging off the brutal fact of death and I am simply agreeing to let myself die. Time will tell.
I can no longer believe in the kind fairy tales of the Christianity I was born to-I don't see death as a going home to Heaven although I do believe that life is eternal but I am pretty sure that there is no way out ego,our id,etc go on. No I assume that G-d is something that we can not comprehend and that G-d is eternal without beginning or end-G-d is not created and so can never die, never end. This thought is sorrowful too at least to my ego.
I would I suppose have stayed in church but I always felt rejected there and not needed and so I have gone on tasting every non-lethal sin I could while reading my elders and exploring ideas of G-d and the Cosmos.
"In Platonic terms, astrology affirms the existence of an anima mundi informing the cosmos, a world soul in which the human psyche participates as a microcosm of the whole."
-- Richard Tarnas
Cosmos and Psyche
advertisements
"If the study of astrology and its deeper meanings can provide anything, it is a real confidence in one's authentic self, thus encouraging the ability to relax into an acceptance of one's true nature."
-- Stephen Arroyo
Person-to-Person Astrology
Well Neptune Cafe is jumping and mentions the upcoming 5/20/2012 eclipse -I was born just after such an eclipse which one can see by my Sun conjunct the Moon's N Node-I wonder what this one is bringing. Of course I am reminded of Tom Sawyer's creator who was born when a comet was transiting and who died when the comet returned. I am full of the creepies these days struggling to come to grips with the death that has so impacted me and left me feeling stranded in the cosmos since my sister departed 4/29/2011 and left me standing alone,all the family gone before me-well the children are still here although my beautiful, creative Lisa and her daughter Krystil are gone now.
I have passed through the darkest moments that came, I believe, because I just don't like death nor thoughts of death nor evidence of the shortness of our time in the sun. I feel like I have come to a point of acceptance but even this causes me to wonder if I am not simply shrugging off the brutal fact of death and I am simply agreeing to let myself die. Time will tell.
I can no longer believe in the kind fairy tales of the Christianity I was born to-I don't see death as a going home to Heaven although I do believe that life is eternal but I am pretty sure that there is no way out ego,our id,etc go on. No I assume that G-d is something that we can not comprehend and that G-d is eternal without beginning or end-G-d is not created and so can never die, never end. This thought is sorrowful too at least to my ego.
I would I suppose have stayed in church but I always felt rejected there and not needed and so I have gone on tasting every non-lethal sin I could while reading my elders and exploring ideas of G-d and the Cosmos.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
WEDNESDAY AGAIN
I wanted to continue describing "Tommy" of my childhood who he was and how he haunted my childhood and did his part in the brooding over the little egg of self-loathing that was to in time paralyze me and ruin my life. I have not failed utterly but I have definite
ley flunked "Civics" and "Applied Sociology".
I loathed my family as much as I was achingly dependent and had a possessive,sentimental love of family. I was so embarrassed by my mother who was so loud and abrasive and didn't wear underwear, panties,and she smoked. Terrifying in ways I was afraid to even feel much less ever speak and I barely knew it before "it"bloomed into a full time psychological complex. I lacked heart and was defeated before I even had a name. The moment I thought that my mother was embarrassing I froze, was paralyzed and just gave up. To me if I didn't have mama I had nothing and the entire game was forfeited. I struggled of course to "get out", get out of the cage wherein I lied there paralyzed and defeated. I was sexually attractive and thought that this was the result of my spiritual efforts-really.
I don't know if I will write out the actual experiences or is I will put them in a non published collection. I like the idea that I am writing this to my clan so that they can see why I didn't do so well but I did try to straighten. I can see the complex in a way-it looks like a dripping piece of coal-coal covered with blood.
More tomorrow.
ley flunked "Civics" and "Applied Sociology".
I loathed my family as much as I was achingly dependent and had a possessive,sentimental love of family. I was so embarrassed by my mother who was so loud and abrasive and didn't wear underwear, panties,and she smoked. Terrifying in ways I was afraid to even feel much less ever speak and I barely knew it before "it"bloomed into a full time psychological complex. I lacked heart and was defeated before I even had a name. The moment I thought that my mother was embarrassing I froze, was paralyzed and just gave up. To me if I didn't have mama I had nothing and the entire game was forfeited. I struggled of course to "get out", get out of the cage wherein I lied there paralyzed and defeated. I was sexually attractive and thought that this was the result of my spiritual efforts-really.
I don't know if I will write out the actual experiences or is I will put them in a non published collection. I like the idea that I am writing this to my clan so that they can see why I didn't do so well but I did try to straighten. I can see the complex in a way-it looks like a dripping piece of coal-coal covered with blood.
More tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Tuesday 9/28/2011
This is a time of challenge for me. We are already out of money. this is because Steve's job through the Dept of Rehab has not kicked in this year-the great recession hits our family-we were safe last year but doesn't appear that we will be safe this year.
Okay!! so what to do? Prayer and meditation. Trusting that we will have what we need. My biggest doubt is the millions of people who are even now wondering how they will pay for the electricity they have already used so that they can continue receiving electricity through their wires. This is the rub with the Positive Thinking movement-I need to think that I am more deserving than those who have not gotten the word. I have had this same issue with the Christianity that I was raised with. In the fifth and sixth grade we had a mad,fundamentalist, Christian missionary for a teacher and every day started with Bible study and discussion. One day I was struck by the thought of "well if Jesus never went to Africa and the Apostles never traveled there and no one no one ever told them about Jesus then would they be condemned to death because they had never accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior? The answer I received was, after a pause, YES they would have to go to Hell because someone , sometime knew about Jesus and didn't tell them so they all have to go to Hell.
Well!! overlooking the ignorance and racism in which I was raised I think one can see where I have the problem with religion all together and Positive Thinking is part of Christian religion and I balk when I consider receiving gifts that others do not have access to or they too would be receiving the same gifts. I have an issue with "being saved" and "doing well". Why me? And why not them? I know and have known that this is not because I deserve anything that others don't deserve.
Okay!! so what to do? Prayer and meditation. Trusting that we will have what we need. My biggest doubt is the millions of people who are even now wondering how they will pay for the electricity they have already used so that they can continue receiving electricity through their wires. This is the rub with the Positive Thinking movement-I need to think that I am more deserving than those who have not gotten the word. I have had this same issue with the Christianity that I was raised with. In the fifth and sixth grade we had a mad,fundamentalist, Christian missionary for a teacher and every day started with Bible study and discussion. One day I was struck by the thought of "well if Jesus never went to Africa and the Apostles never traveled there and no one no one ever told them about Jesus then would they be condemned to death because they had never accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior? The answer I received was, after a pause, YES they would have to go to Hell because someone , sometime knew about Jesus and didn't tell them so they all have to go to Hell.
Well!! overlooking the ignorance and racism in which I was raised I think one can see where I have the problem with religion all together and Positive Thinking is part of Christian religion and I balk when I consider receiving gifts that others do not have access to or they too would be receiving the same gifts. I have an issue with "being saved" and "doing well". Why me? And why not them? I know and have known that this is not because I deserve anything that others don't deserve.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Thursday September 8/2011
Whoa!! Long time no write. I do write to my friend Cheri on the internet and sometimes to other friends such as PatC and QOP as well. Still I thought that I was writing more regularly than this board would indicate.
Yesterday I fought off all manner of spider and little thin green worms that seemed to stand up to see who was disturbing their forest in order to pick berries in order to make a berry pie and offer up my energy and creativity to the Goddess of summer in gratitude for summer which I love and for which I never fail to feel a pull at my heart as I observe more and more yellow leaves falling to the ground. My friend Cheri says that autumn is her favorite but for me it is spring which leads to summer and I love,love summer. Not so much for winter which follows autumn. I am so grateful that our land has really three seasons-spring,growing/harvest,rainy. I was born here and although I grew up in Kansas I needed to get back to the kind climate of central California.
Yesterday I fought off all manner of spider and little thin green worms that seemed to stand up to see who was disturbing their forest in order to pick berries in order to make a berry pie and offer up my energy and creativity to the Goddess of summer in gratitude for summer which I love and for which I never fail to feel a pull at my heart as I observe more and more yellow leaves falling to the ground. My friend Cheri says that autumn is her favorite but for me it is spring which leads to summer and I love,love summer. Not so much for winter which follows autumn. I am so grateful that our land has really three seasons-spring,growing/harvest,rainy. I was born here and although I grew up in Kansas I needed to get back to the kind climate of central California.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Friday 8/5/2011
Well I did write before this but I can't figure out where it is. I "saved" and moved to llok at Jude Cowell's comment of 5/13/2011. I was so touched that someone was reading my words that I just had to go there and now I can't find that post. I have a lot of trouble using this "Blogger" offering. I just can't figure the system out.
At any rate I was noting that this begins a big spot of the year for me: the anniversery of the bombing of Hiroshima with the atom bomb,Joyce's birthdy,Lisa's birthday and also now the anniversary of her death which was 8/11/2009 I believe. I will call Shawn to night and ask him the exact date since I only discovered her death after the fact.
At any rate I was noting that this begins a big spot of the year for me: the anniversery of the bombing of Hiroshima with the atom bomb,Joyce's birthdy,Lisa's birthday and also now the anniversary of her death which was 8/11/2009 I believe. I will call Shawn to night and ask him the exact date since I only discovered her death after the fact.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
August 2,2011 Mercury retrograde today
Cooking this evening and happy to be busy even if I am sort of tired. Everything got "lost" and I no longer remember what it was that I wanted to say. I got so involved with preparing in the sous chef way -cleaning table tops, cabinet tops. sweeping preparing rice-Mexican restaurant style rice--well hours later and supper has been eaten-gluttony on the list. Beef tacos eaten with a dollop of "Mexican restaurant" style salad dressing and a huge serving of salad with slivers of lettuce, cabbage,carrots all mixed up, also salsa. The taco is served with cheese atop the meat as the meat is lifted from the cooking pan.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sunday 7/31/2011
The time of Leo which I love what with Saturn Moon Pluto all in Leo with in seven degrees right in the very basement of my heart.
The government has been arguing and threatening over a refusal by the right wing Republican congress members to raise the debt limit. I am so sick of the arguments and even more I am sick because I don't believe ANYONE, ANYONE CONNECTED TO THIS. I was trying to come back to supporting Obama but today I read in Huffington Post about his rigid determination to punish drug users and to treat the "druggies" like serious felons and I imagine gathering from other gossip drops in Huffington Post,etc that he intends to put pot smokers in the same place as other drug users. This is so depressing and so stupid and so what? sickening? Nauseating?
I find news about our real history. PBS is running a show about the Bombing of Germany at the end of the war. Kurt Vonnegut wrote about this and so have others. Other places on the TV is constant chatter about Obama, the right wing Congressional members who are new and who lack knowledge of law-making thinking that it is all rubbish and they can just throw a spanner in the works, get everything to stop and then someone will come in and rewrite everything more in the ideas of Grover Norquist. Grover has been outed to the national press although I have heard that he and his lover openly walk around holding hands where they live in ????North Carolina?
Norquist is a nightmare to me-a behind the scenes dictator having these new congressional reps sign an agreement that they seem loathe to break. Norquist plays on the fear and confusion of these times in America. From what he says and the energy he exudes I say that he is a hater and he spreads hate by accenting people's fear and rewarding them for being so bright and perceptive to realize "the truth". I am just intuiting here; I have never read anything about him nor have I researched him at all. I am simply reacting to the publicity and certain smirkiness that I perceive in him. I get the idea that he is doing what he does out of a deep hatred of the world.
So...... I am stuffed with negative energy tonight and can't even move myself to something better. YUCK!! Tomorrow is another day as my mother used to say to me when I had had a terrible day.
The government has been arguing and threatening over a refusal by the right wing Republican congress members to raise the debt limit. I am so sick of the arguments and even more I am sick because I don't believe ANYONE, ANYONE CONNECTED TO THIS. I was trying to come back to supporting Obama but today I read in Huffington Post about his rigid determination to punish drug users and to treat the "druggies" like serious felons and I imagine gathering from other gossip drops in Huffington Post,etc that he intends to put pot smokers in the same place as other drug users. This is so depressing and so stupid and so what? sickening? Nauseating?
I find news about our real history. PBS is running a show about the Bombing of Germany at the end of the war. Kurt Vonnegut wrote about this and so have others. Other places on the TV is constant chatter about Obama, the right wing Congressional members who are new and who lack knowledge of law-making thinking that it is all rubbish and they can just throw a spanner in the works, get everything to stop and then someone will come in and rewrite everything more in the ideas of Grover Norquist. Grover has been outed to the national press although I have heard that he and his lover openly walk around holding hands where they live in ????North Carolina?
Norquist is a nightmare to me-a behind the scenes dictator having these new congressional reps sign an agreement that they seem loathe to break. Norquist plays on the fear and confusion of these times in America. From what he says and the energy he exudes I say that he is a hater and he spreads hate by accenting people's fear and rewarding them for being so bright and perceptive to realize "the truth". I am just intuiting here; I have never read anything about him nor have I researched him at all. I am simply reacting to the publicity and certain smirkiness that I perceive in him. I get the idea that he is doing what he does out of a deep hatred of the world.
So...... I am stuffed with negative energy tonight and can't even move myself to something better. YUCK!! Tomorrow is another day as my mother used to say to me when I had had a terrible day.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
7/24/2011
So long since I wrote. I shut down, just shut down. I thought that I was doing better and truly I was out of the physical part of grief but I couldn't stand with any of the wonderful thoughts and breakthroughs of those weeks.
I remember now the experience of "knowing"that I have always been accompanied on this journey always surrounded by love and the attention of elders and I "knew" in a breath that I would have the same experienced as I move into death. I felt like teaching angels were all around me and they were teaching me something in that thought that was very like learning to write my name in the big letters we first use.
I was shaken to my core by Buffy's death. Somehow I had a fantasy that she would not do it in the end that she would stay alive. If Buffy died then I could no longer deny the facts-I too would die.
Dieing just scared me so deeply; I felt so abandoned by all that I had trusted. This "thought" came up as an answer to that fear. I know it seems simple now that it has been born but believe me I had to go through so much to get to that "thought"and it is such a gift one that I carry with me although I just forgot it for a few weeks.
I am accustomed to Buffy being dead and I still miss her so much. She was so small in death just a little girl and I saw photos of her and was so shocked to see how pretty she was so feminine and old-fashioned. I never saw that because I was so buzy fighting her and doing all that I could to scar her and beat her and totally dominate her. And I won but at the cost of my soul-what violence between us and I was totally unconscious of what I was doing always thought of her as the mean one and everyone joined in and she was tormented but she was always the one who got boyfriends. I was shocked by this because I thought of myself as beautiful, nice, and fun but over and over guys chose her.
I wish that I could have loved her in life as I do now that she is gone and I am not confronted with the fact of her and fall once again to the spell of "my sister"who carried all my shadow, all my nastiness. WOW!! her spirit guides were so glad to welcome her home.
Going to lie down this evening with Steve and red "Godesses In Older Women". I have been really startled to recognize how central Hestia is in my psychology. Wouldn't surprise anyone else who knows these things and knows me
I remember now the experience of "knowing"that I have always been accompanied on this journey always surrounded by love and the attention of elders and I "knew" in a breath that I would have the same experienced as I move into death. I felt like teaching angels were all around me and they were teaching me something in that thought that was very like learning to write my name in the big letters we first use.
I was shaken to my core by Buffy's death. Somehow I had a fantasy that she would not do it in the end that she would stay alive. If Buffy died then I could no longer deny the facts-I too would die.
Dieing just scared me so deeply; I felt so abandoned by all that I had trusted. This "thought" came up as an answer to that fear. I know it seems simple now that it has been born but believe me I had to go through so much to get to that "thought"and it is such a gift one that I carry with me although I just forgot it for a few weeks.
I am accustomed to Buffy being dead and I still miss her so much. She was so small in death just a little girl and I saw photos of her and was so shocked to see how pretty she was so feminine and old-fashioned. I never saw that because I was so buzy fighting her and doing all that I could to scar her and beat her and totally dominate her. And I won but at the cost of my soul-what violence between us and I was totally unconscious of what I was doing always thought of her as the mean one and everyone joined in and she was tormented but she was always the one who got boyfriends. I was shocked by this because I thought of myself as beautiful, nice, and fun but over and over guys chose her.
I wish that I could have loved her in life as I do now that she is gone and I am not confronted with the fact of her and fall once again to the spell of "my sister"who carried all my shadow, all my nastiness. WOW!! her spirit guides were so glad to welcome her home.
Going to lie down this evening with Steve and red "Godesses In Older Women". I have been really startled to recognize how central Hestia is in my psychology. Wouldn't surprise anyone else who knows these things and knows me
Sunday, May 29, 2011
5/29/2011
So this weekend I have read witty people making fun of the Pope and all of us Catholics People gossip about the priest/pedophile scandal as if this concerns only a small percentage of priests and admittedly the Pope has made things worse by stating in his White Paper that a child is someone ten and under (may God forgive this old fool)and that what caused these priests to fall into sin was the wantonness of the decades of the 60's and the 70's. I haven't read this white paper but if this is true I feel confirmed in my suspicions of this Pope-I was drawn to Catholics through Dorothy Day, Thomas Merton and Pope John XXIII; these good people emphasized the importance of living the words of Jesus rather than worrying too much over doctrine and they lived for people not for bishops and Popes.Since the death of John Paul I so suddenly and unexpectedly the Church has been moving backwards away from John 23 and towards the right wing of the church. This Pope says that there cannot be female priests because there were no females at the Last Supper.Even with these complaints I remain RC deeply committed although I haven't been to Mass for a long time not even to Easter services but that will change now although I don't know who will hear my confession-the priests that I loved are either dead or retired.
I realized with a shudder how deeply I have neglected my loved ones by not seeing to it that they were raised with religious instruction. I rebelled against the Protestant beliefs of my childhood believing that my elders abandoned me because I was a "bad girl" and made it so hard for me to be good that I gave up. I wanted to be Catholic but I grew up at the end of the old ways and felt too awkward to seek out the help of the Church although it was right there and of course I was too young and wild to simply ask Robert how to do it. At any rate the children beginning with Amiee have come up without religion at all and this has been disastrous and that and the poverty and neglect that so often comes in one parent families (crap that sounds so hollow but the words are trying to convey something that I have noticed and that is that children do better if they have a stay at home parent during their early years).
Religion and spirituality are important to me now that my sister is dead. All my natal family is gone now and my health is not robust. I have a mantra: Daddy, Mama,Grandpa,Buffy, Lady,Blackie are all gone now. And that sums it up and I am lonely to talk to these folks who taught me how to talk who taught me how to exist in the world.
More later now I want to rest and check in to the Indy 500.
I realized with a shudder how deeply I have neglected my loved ones by not seeing to it that they were raised with religious instruction. I rebelled against the Protestant beliefs of my childhood believing that my elders abandoned me because I was a "bad girl" and made it so hard for me to be good that I gave up. I wanted to be Catholic but I grew up at the end of the old ways and felt too awkward to seek out the help of the Church although it was right there and of course I was too young and wild to simply ask Robert how to do it. At any rate the children beginning with Amiee have come up without religion at all and this has been disastrous and that and the poverty and neglect that so often comes in one parent families (crap that sounds so hollow but the words are trying to convey something that I have noticed and that is that children do better if they have a stay at home parent during their early years).
Religion and spirituality are important to me now that my sister is dead. All my natal family is gone now and my health is not robust. I have a mantra: Daddy, Mama,Grandpa,Buffy, Lady,Blackie are all gone now. And that sums it up and I am lonely to talk to these folks who taught me how to talk who taught me how to exist in the world.
More later now I want to rest and check in to the Indy 500.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Tuesday 5/24/2011
I think that I had a dream last night of standing in the meeting place in the St Joseph The Worker Church and the woman who first shepherded us at the beginning of the RCIA and she was saying forcibly that I was not suited to Catholicism. I don't remember this clearly but it is there a corner of it and it, the memory, has that quality of dreams.
I have been thinking of myself as someone who does not pay debts, who lives on the outside of society, who does not encourage her child to feel part of society and then frets when the child goes bad. I have lived as a reject and the Church is all about keeping folk from getting lost like I have been.
Of course this is not all that I have lived but wham!! it sure has power now-I have stirred up a lot with this outward expression of my love of Roman Catholicism-a part of me knows that I am not that simple-there is more much more and in part I have lived a dissolute life or at least on the inside I have in certain areas.
I guess the dream was saying that I can not take a child's way but will have to accept an adult resolution,will have to walk on my own two feet toward life as I know it in my maturity. I will however continue with my studies and meditations,etc.
I have been thinking of myself as someone who does not pay debts, who lives on the outside of society, who does not encourage her child to feel part of society and then frets when the child goes bad. I have lived as a reject and the Church is all about keeping folk from getting lost like I have been.
Of course this is not all that I have lived but wham!! it sure has power now-I have stirred up a lot with this outward expression of my love of Roman Catholicism-a part of me knows that I am not that simple-there is more much more and in part I have lived a dissolute life or at least on the inside I have in certain areas.
I guess the dream was saying that I can not take a child's way but will have to accept an adult resolution,will have to walk on my own two feet toward life as I know it in my maturity. I will however continue with my studies and meditations,etc.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
5/22/2011
Amy came down with shingles again-I wish that i had responded to the information I received when I had an outbreak. There is a vaccine that prevents folks from having shingles outbreaks and it works even if one had an earlier outbreak. Well I didn't follow through for myself nor for Amy and she is so worn down now that they have come back.
As witnessed by earlier posts I have been having one of my spiritual storms that I often experience after a shock or a time of long lived anxiety. Arvin left yesterday and didn't return. I don't know what to do-he obviously has no respect for me or Steve or his mother. He is fourteen,disabled and the survivor of a cruel and painful childhood with little to hold onto. I know that I have a debt here or rather I know that I lived like an outlaw in fact I was an outlaw or at least this is in my shadow and I am so horrified by the realization that I have a tendency to think that i am an Outlaw rather than just parts of this in my character.
Okay skipping along jumping over important thoughts I want to get to why I cranked up this program today: Death has terrified me. More than anything I have feared dying I definitely did not want to die the possibility of lights out breaks my heart-life is all I know and the thought of losing life just breaks my heart and scares me so deeply. I have accompanied family members to the door of death but that is it and I am no wiser now than before exscept that I do know about what happens physically as we die.
This morning I was standing in the kitchen preparing to wash dishes and thinking that today I didn't "feel very spiritual" when I did Day 3 of "The Novena To The Holy Ghost" and that is okay . I realize now that the feeling spiritual is simply moodiness and so although I love the high I get from the psychic drug it really is not different from taking a pain p[ill or smoking a little marijuana. And then wham I had a consciousness that death is literally part of life-period. Death is something that happens because we are living and I had this strong sense of honor and dignity and communion wit and the dying is as much part of life as any other part I also felt so supported as I have in all of life-I feel that I am part of something larger than myself: I am a human being and there is instinct for being human being and that instinct embraces me and supports me AND there si also obligation as a member of the species certain things I must accept and do my best to express through my life. I felt this all at once and knew that I could now go on that death is something that is part of our life as human being and all those who went befor support and encourage me and those who are to come demand that I actualize this instinct as fully as possible can given who I am as an individual.
Fearing death reminds me of thinking about childbirth before I experienced it. I just felt so relieved this knowing that I will no more be alone when I die than I was alone when i was born. Call this G-d is you want I often do. I am so grateful to be able to acknowledge my basic origin from this,to this and having my being in it.
As witnessed by earlier posts I have been having one of my spiritual storms that I often experience after a shock or a time of long lived anxiety. Arvin left yesterday and didn't return. I don't know what to do-he obviously has no respect for me or Steve or his mother. He is fourteen,disabled and the survivor of a cruel and painful childhood with little to hold onto. I know that I have a debt here or rather I know that I lived like an outlaw in fact I was an outlaw or at least this is in my shadow and I am so horrified by the realization that I have a tendency to think that i am an Outlaw rather than just parts of this in my character.
Okay skipping along jumping over important thoughts I want to get to why I cranked up this program today: Death has terrified me. More than anything I have feared dying I definitely did not want to die the possibility of lights out breaks my heart-life is all I know and the thought of losing life just breaks my heart and scares me so deeply. I have accompanied family members to the door of death but that is it and I am no wiser now than before exscept that I do know about what happens physically as we die.
This morning I was standing in the kitchen preparing to wash dishes and thinking that today I didn't "feel very spiritual" when I did Day 3 of "The Novena To The Holy Ghost" and that is okay . I realize now that the feeling spiritual is simply moodiness and so although I love the high I get from the psychic drug it really is not different from taking a pain p[ill or smoking a little marijuana. And then wham I had a consciousness that death is literally part of life-period. Death is something that happens because we are living and I had this strong sense of honor and dignity and communion wit and the dying is as much part of life as any other part I also felt so supported as I have in all of life-I feel that I am part of something larger than myself: I am a human being and there is instinct for being human being and that instinct embraces me and supports me AND there si also obligation as a member of the species certain things I must accept and do my best to express through my life. I felt this all at once and knew that I could now go on that death is something that is part of our life as human being and all those who went befor support and encourage me and those who are to come demand that I actualize this instinct as fully as possible can given who I am as an individual.
Fearing death reminds me of thinking about childbirth before I experienced it. I just felt so relieved this knowing that I will no more be alone when I die than I was alone when i was born. Call this G-d is you want I often do. I am so grateful to be able to acknowledge my basic origin from this,to this and having my being in it.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
5/21/2011
Okay I awakened at my unreasonable time of about 4"15 AM to the request of the young cats so that they can go out for their early morning romp and then I went back to bed and tried to sleep but that was hopeless because of aches and pains and I took a pain pill and got up once it took affect.
I came out to the living room and opened up the computer and arvin was watching a Cheech and Chong movie. I was sickened by the jokes about drugs and unrelated sex and general lawlessness. this was once funny to me but now in my sixties it is frightening. How cruel to fill the children with these thoughts when they don't even know how to earn a living and are utterly untutored in their religious traditions. Arvin had Limewire hooked up on the computer and when I tried to get rid of it a pertagram came up on the screen an evil one upside down depicting erotic images of a male fully aroused and in a position of maximum salaciousness. I was shocked and turned immediately to explain to Arvin the evil of this image and he said that he knew and I explained that he must turn away from this and he said that he would not. I am horrified and I blame myself becuase I didnot raise his mother as a Catholic or even as Christian. I was so angry with the Christians who threw me away and allowed me to be overwhelmed by evil. Because I was young and so impoverished both in money and in family and culture I rejected my origins and pretended to be godless and free and sophisticated which I was not and I fell into evil and raised my child in evil with absolutely no religious instruction-I was drawn to the Catholics because they are free of the hysteria of the Protestants. One only needs to profess one's faith in jesus and the Saints and one is embraced into an ancient tradition. I didn't feel worthy though and so did not follow through not realizing how easily I would be embraced and therefore denying Amy the promise of faith and the foundation of Catholicism which keeps us strong in the world even if we stray in our youth.
I baptized Arvin this morning in the air and I will baptize him today with water and I will see to it that he receives his full instruction and I am going to ask Amy if she wants to attend the RCIA at St Joseph the Worker this fall with me and I plan to baptize Courtney and to get her into the Church as well. This is our only hope. I really believe that our failure as a family is due to this vulnerabilty to the Evil One. I really believe this.
I came out to the living room and opened up the computer and arvin was watching a Cheech and Chong movie. I was sickened by the jokes about drugs and unrelated sex and general lawlessness. this was once funny to me but now in my sixties it is frightening. How cruel to fill the children with these thoughts when they don't even know how to earn a living and are utterly untutored in their religious traditions. Arvin had Limewire hooked up on the computer and when I tried to get rid of it a pertagram came up on the screen an evil one upside down depicting erotic images of a male fully aroused and in a position of maximum salaciousness. I was shocked and turned immediately to explain to Arvin the evil of this image and he said that he knew and I explained that he must turn away from this and he said that he would not. I am horrified and I blame myself becuase I didnot raise his mother as a Catholic or even as Christian. I was so angry with the Christians who threw me away and allowed me to be overwhelmed by evil. Because I was young and so impoverished both in money and in family and culture I rejected my origins and pretended to be godless and free and sophisticated which I was not and I fell into evil and raised my child in evil with absolutely no religious instruction-I was drawn to the Catholics because they are free of the hysteria of the Protestants. One only needs to profess one's faith in jesus and the Saints and one is embraced into an ancient tradition. I didn't feel worthy though and so did not follow through not realizing how easily I would be embraced and therefore denying Amy the promise of faith and the foundation of Catholicism which keeps us strong in the world even if we stray in our youth.
I baptized Arvin this morning in the air and I will baptize him today with water and I will see to it that he receives his full instruction and I am going to ask Amy if she wants to attend the RCIA at St Joseph the Worker this fall with me and I plan to baptize Courtney and to get her into the Church as well. This is our only hope. I really believe that our failure as a family is due to this vulnerabilty to the Evil One. I really believe this.
Friday, May 20, 2011
5/20/2011
Prayer for Mercy on the Souls in Purgatory
My Jesus, by the sorrows Thou didst suffer in Thine agony in the Garden, in Thy scourging and crowning with thorns, in the way to Calvary, in Thy crucifixion and death, have mercy on the souls in purgatory, and especially on those that are most forsaken; do Thou deliver them from the dire torments they endure; call them and admit them to Thy most sweet embrace in paradise.
Our Father, Hail Mary, Eternal Rest, etc
Purgatory seems an idea influenced by ideas
My Jesus, by the sorrows Thou didst suffer in Thine agony in the Garden, in Thy scourging and crowning with thorns, in the way to Calvary, in Thy crucifixion and death, have mercy on the souls in purgatory, and especially on those that are most forsaken; do Thou deliver them from the dire torments they endure; call them and admit them to Thy most sweet embrace in paradise.
Our Father, Hail Mary, Eternal Rest, etc
Purgatory seems an idea influenced by ideas
Thursday, May 19, 2011
5/19/2011
"Can a horse tell you what it means to be human? How can a horse get beyond the boundaries of being a horse and say what it means to be human? Why do we think a human being can say what it means to be God? And yet we’ve done that; we’ve done that and we said that we’ve got it so right that if you don’t believe it we’ll burn you at the stake. That’s a very strange idea." ~John Shelby Spong.
Okay after the days of laying around with curtains drawn so that my neighbors could not witness me laying around like a drunkard. I was stuck in the past saying over and over"Mama,Daddy, Grandpa Box,Buffy, Lady and Blackie all gone. I never thought that everyone would pass before me. Some narcissisist imagination that I would drag my natal family along into eternity forever fixed as my psychological/spiritual co-actors eternally acting out their assigned roles, assigned by me of course.
Yesterday I was reading SOW (Stars Over Washington) and the puzzle box contained these characters: BUFFl and I took this as Burry reaching out beyond this life where she is now and I felt shocked by Angelic energy and my energy just tumbled around into another space and the depression is lifting.
Truthfully the depression has been lifting for a few days and prayer and the Flower Essence medicine have been powerful companions lifting me out of the tar of depression and despair and doubt.
I cringe so when on Huffington Post I encounter the atheists and the angry rebellion of the younger people. God has always been central to my consciousness even though I have no idea at all what G-d is or what I mean by that word. I also cringe when some express an idea that would make God something like a giant human being much as a child must perceive the father who is often absent and has a big gruff voice and "lays down the law".
I still have all the problems that I have had-the anti-depressants that I have used for a least ten years now and the opiate pain relievers that I have been using for around seven years until now I use them daily for arthritis and injuries. The over-eating is fading from the ascendancy it had for several years but I know that it could return at anytime unless I find my way to a life of "fit spiritual condition". I consider all this drug use hinders my spiritual growth although I will say that I have matured in many areas even with these issues.
I have offered to be Ann Maire's in-home-aide while she recuperates from hip replacement and this has brought up the idea that I like in-home-service and I would like to train to do hospice work as a sort of nurse's aide much like people who are the providers in the IHSS program. I don't have the physical strength to do this full time or to give care to someone much larger than I but i would really,really like to serve.
I need a little more income plus I need to get out of the house-two ideas: return to church and find work assisting those who are preparing to make the last transition-death.
Okay time to work on the Rosary for a bit. I discovered a wonderful little book on studying the rosary as discipline and meditation-forgot that I have it and it is just what I needed.
Praying for the people losing their homes to the Misissippi.
Okay after the days of laying around with curtains drawn so that my neighbors could not witness me laying around like a drunkard. I was stuck in the past saying over and over"Mama,Daddy, Grandpa Box,Buffy, Lady and Blackie all gone. I never thought that everyone would pass before me. Some narcissisist imagination that I would drag my natal family along into eternity forever fixed as my psychological/spiritual co-actors eternally acting out their assigned roles, assigned by me of course.
Yesterday I was reading SOW (Stars Over Washington) and the puzzle box contained these characters: BUFFl and I took this as Burry reaching out beyond this life where she is now and I felt shocked by Angelic energy and my energy just tumbled around into another space and the depression is lifting.
Truthfully the depression has been lifting for a few days and prayer and the Flower Essence medicine have been powerful companions lifting me out of the tar of depression and despair and doubt.
I cringe so when on Huffington Post I encounter the atheists and the angry rebellion of the younger people. God has always been central to my consciousness even though I have no idea at all what G-d is or what I mean by that word. I also cringe when some express an idea that would make God something like a giant human being much as a child must perceive the father who is often absent and has a big gruff voice and "lays down the law".
I still have all the problems that I have had-the anti-depressants that I have used for a least ten years now and the opiate pain relievers that I have been using for around seven years until now I use them daily for arthritis and injuries. The over-eating is fading from the ascendancy it had for several years but I know that it could return at anytime unless I find my way to a life of "fit spiritual condition". I consider all this drug use hinders my spiritual growth although I will say that I have matured in many areas even with these issues.
I have offered to be Ann Maire's in-home-aide while she recuperates from hip replacement and this has brought up the idea that I like in-home-service and I would like to train to do hospice work as a sort of nurse's aide much like people who are the providers in the IHSS program. I don't have the physical strength to do this full time or to give care to someone much larger than I but i would really,really like to serve.
I need a little more income plus I need to get out of the house-two ideas: return to church and find work assisting those who are preparing to make the last transition-death.
Okay time to work on the Rosary for a bit. I discovered a wonderful little book on studying the rosary as discipline and meditation-forgot that I have it and it is just what I needed.
Praying for the people losing their homes to the Misissippi.
Friday, May 13, 2011
5/13/2011
So I quit writing here because i wrote some things that I don't want to own in public and turned to writing only on my machine and posting there and then after my sister's death 4/29/2011 I am wanting to write in public which is a joke as if I have a public. Still there is something about writing here that is public like having company and right now I want company.
These are troubled days for me. Buffy "came down"with a small cell carcinoma and was gone in nine months-4/29/2011 a week after she turned 63 in that hated month of childhood when we were the same age until my birthday 5/25. She underwent a long and rigorous chemo treatment and yet she went so fast. One thing lung cancer and melanoma are relatively merciful in that one goes fast and there is little pain, relatively,
The doctors said that she had tumors on the liver and the thyroid and something caused her to lose her sight and she just sunk deeply into the end.
Another day laying on the bed listening to MSNBC the same stories told by everyone all day long and the only difference is the type delivery according to the persona of the word giver. My reaction today is 1)Ron Paul is a liar ignoring problems saying well that will go away if people are free!". What a LYING,DECEIVING OLD MAN. And 2)The CIA is lying regarding Bin Laden and pornography-they have done this so many times to different people when believing that any positive regard for the person must be assassinated as well.
I am moping the kitchen floor-FINALLY!!! I want a quiet life with some order and consistency and quiet. I want to live with Steve and the cats and read and recover my heqlth and strength.
These are troubled days for me. Buffy "came down"with a small cell carcinoma and was gone in nine months-4/29/2011 a week after she turned 63 in that hated month of childhood when we were the same age until my birthday 5/25. She underwent a long and rigorous chemo treatment and yet she went so fast. One thing lung cancer and melanoma are relatively merciful in that one goes fast and there is little pain, relatively,
The doctors said that she had tumors on the liver and the thyroid and something caused her to lose her sight and she just sunk deeply into the end.
Another day laying on the bed listening to MSNBC the same stories told by everyone all day long and the only difference is the type delivery according to the persona of the word giver. My reaction today is 1)Ron Paul is a liar ignoring problems saying well that will go away if people are free!". What a LYING,DECEIVING OLD MAN. And 2)The CIA is lying regarding Bin Laden and pornography-they have done this so many times to different people when believing that any positive regard for the person must be assassinated as well.
I am moping the kitchen floor-FINALLY!!! I want a quiet life with some order and consistency and quiet. I want to live with Steve and the cats and read and recover my heqlth and strength.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
3/29/2011
Sun is bright and the sky is blue and miraculous green washes,literally washes the ground of our lives. I am acting up/acting out and eating sushi rice n ad soy sauce and rice vinegar and stacking the lunch dishes and psyching up to clean out the bucket that gets use as a recycling items clean it out so that I can wash the floor and speed up the lighting of the kitchen with early spring light and bleach and hot water.
I want the opportunity to write the things that come to mind and feel connected with "the collective"
I want the opportunity to write the things that come to mind and feel connected with "the collective"
Sunday, March 27, 2011
3/27/2011
So I always have trouble if I save a piece and want to go back. this time I will just start a new page and connect up with these words alerting me to what I remember about blogspot.com. I don't feel like writing now.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
2/5/2011
So for a few days I have been eating "vegan" and just now I ate some cheesecake and I now have the old familiar stomach ache-crampy and tight and miserable something I just don't get when I stay "vegan".
When I first heard about "vegan"I was disgusted thinking that the people putting it forward were fanatics and wanting to spoil life for the rest of us. well thanks to celebrities such as Bill Clinton,Kate Winslet,etc I changed my mind and decided to give the change a chance. this week I ate as I wished just made sure that what I was eating had zero animal involved and WOW!! a week of no stomach cramps, no bloating-a week free of pain and even the headaches that have always troubled me. I am so converted.
We shopped at the Bowl and I now have several packages of seitan in the frig and I will learn to prepare my own in batches-the Food Mill offers seitan in bulk.
I will forever now avoid milk and milk products-i really didn't realize how sensitive I am to cows milk. No wonder I was a colicky baby.
I made a squash and apple soup and used a chicken bullion cube although the next purchase of bullion will be for vegi only with less salt.
I have not been a purist-there has been some chicken and cheese but I know I will come around because the thoughts of what t he chickens go through to bring me eggs is sickening and I don't want to be part of that. Spent $5.50 for hand raised chicken eggs-can't afford that so will need to learn to live without eggs.
I really do feel freer and lighter and more energetic even after a day of vegan life. Thank god for the vegetarian life of the 70's. I always planned to get back to the life and now I am but without all the fat and milk.
I have always been an animal lover loving even rats and snakes. Killing animals to eat has always disturbed me and now I am free to step out of that reality. thankfully my family is quite aware of the vegan movement so I don't have to explain as much as I did in the 70's.
I haven't yet purchased almond milk nor rice milk nor soy milk but I will although I don't like soybeans which seem to be making humans and animals fat no matter what is said about the properties of soy beans. I always hated eating them in the 70's and could sometimes stand the milk but that is as far as I ever went. replacing yogurt will be interesting-I love Strauss Family yogurt-all sour and smooth but admittedly yogurt gives me a fierce stomach ache.
When I first heard about "vegan"I was disgusted thinking that the people putting it forward were fanatics and wanting to spoil life for the rest of us. well thanks to celebrities such as Bill Clinton,Kate Winslet,etc I changed my mind and decided to give the change a chance. this week I ate as I wished just made sure that what I was eating had zero animal involved and WOW!! a week of no stomach cramps, no bloating-a week free of pain and even the headaches that have always troubled me. I am so converted.
We shopped at the Bowl and I now have several packages of seitan in the frig and I will learn to prepare my own in batches-the Food Mill offers seitan in bulk.
I will forever now avoid milk and milk products-i really didn't realize how sensitive I am to cows milk. No wonder I was a colicky baby.
I made a squash and apple soup and used a chicken bullion cube although the next purchase of bullion will be for vegi only with less salt.
I have not been a purist-there has been some chicken and cheese but I know I will come around because the thoughts of what t he chickens go through to bring me eggs is sickening and I don't want to be part of that. Spent $5.50 for hand raised chicken eggs-can't afford that so will need to learn to live without eggs.
I really do feel freer and lighter and more energetic even after a day of vegan life. Thank god for the vegetarian life of the 70's. I always planned to get back to the life and now I am but without all the fat and milk.
I have always been an animal lover loving even rats and snakes. Killing animals to eat has always disturbed me and now I am free to step out of that reality. thankfully my family is quite aware of the vegan movement so I don't have to explain as much as I did in the 70's.
I haven't yet purchased almond milk nor rice milk nor soy milk but I will although I don't like soybeans which seem to be making humans and animals fat no matter what is said about the properties of soy beans. I always hated eating them in the 70's and could sometimes stand the milk but that is as far as I ever went. replacing yogurt will be interesting-I love Strauss Family yogurt-all sour and smooth but admittedly yogurt gives me a fierce stomach ache.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
2/2/2011
so there is movement. Phone call from Randy. He needs to set up Buffy's care, He eeds t wirk without being drawn to stay home with his mother who is mortally ill in his home. I will need now to go get her (maybe he can bring her). I need to move us out of our bedroom and prepare the room for her. I need to get a double bed and a chest of drawers. I need to move our life and reform it out here and accept that life is different now and will be lived at different rhythm even perhaps a different key.
I am frightened and I don't mean to be negative and all excited over grimness but I am told that she will get really worse really fast and she will die. As she grows weaker her mental connection dims. She is my last connection to the house in Moscow the house of my childhood. I spent my first four years in California and then my father picked up my sister and myself and we all drove across the country from California to Kansas. Our grandfather Box was the last joiner. when my sister goes it is as if the book ends and I am left on my own with people who were not there,strangers in ways just as I am also the stranger in their lives.
I am frightened and I don't mean to be negative and all excited over grimness but I am told that she will get really worse really fast and she will die. As she grows weaker her mental connection dims. She is my last connection to the house in Moscow the house of my childhood. I spent my first four years in California and then my father picked up my sister and myself and we all drove across the country from California to Kansas. Our grandfather Box was the last joiner. when my sister goes it is as if the book ends and I am left on my own with people who were not there,strangers in ways just as I am also the stranger in their lives.
Wednesday 2/2/2011
Sent off to Amazon to get my first real vegan books even one for cookies. I just know that getting off the animal based diet is going to help. AND it will ultimately save money and help animals everywhere to have a better life.
Well buffy coming home 3/1/11 and this will probably be her last journey. At least she will be able to laugh and gossip and just be part of life. she will never be the same again and neither will I. I fear her passing-the end of my childhood-all gone after her and I thought no knew that we would always be together.
Need to go talk to Steve and just let this run down. Need to call Kaiser re:bringing her back and getting care until the Kaiser enrollment takes effect.
Well buffy coming home 3/1/11 and this will probably be her last journey. At least she will be able to laugh and gossip and just be part of life. she will never be the same again and neither will I. I fear her passing-the end of my childhood-all gone after her and I thought no knew that we would always be together.
Need to go talk to Steve and just let this run down. Need to call Kaiser re:bringing her back and getting care until the Kaiser enrollment takes effect.
2/2/2011
Happy Birthday Hugh Box!! (2/1/ in the decade of the Civil War well no! I think perhaps 1985,) Grandfather!! You were a wonderful cook and Buffy learned from you how to cook things carefully and slowly. Love back to you and I remember yet the hug you gave me when I went off that night to live with my husband and I thought "Grandpa does love mm !!" My son Shawn has a son named Hugh and he didn't even know about you. His wife's family has the name Hugh prominent-Southern folk. wish that I could have accepted you more rather than my mother who we now know was so troubled by guilt and fear and depression-well that would have prevented me from living my true life.
Egypt and Syria and Afghanistan up in smoke and flames-the US leaders must be VERY nervous as well as the Israelis. Wonder how much of this has been planned. Amazing this while we have snow we have not seen in years. I am so cynical that when I opened the front door and felt the curtain of warm after days of freezing I immediately thought "HAARP"and thought of crazy globalists directing warm and cold fronts.
I just don't know who/what to believe any longer. I don't have any idea what the latest science is. I read about the experiments for anti-matter and who knows what else and there is the international space station doing things that we don't know.
More thought about going vegan. Losing weight seems to be the most profound action I can take regards my health. The loss of weight brings down the blood glucose, the blood pressure. I don't know if it will ever help the heart beats which remain disturbed.
Egypt burning. James Baker on the TV-oh! how my mother disliked him. She blamed him for most of the evil in the world. She taught me my politics.
Egypt and Syria and Afghanistan up in smoke and flames-the US leaders must be VERY nervous as well as the Israelis. Wonder how much of this has been planned. Amazing this while we have snow we have not seen in years. I am so cynical that when I opened the front door and felt the curtain of warm after days of freezing I immediately thought "HAARP"and thought of crazy globalists directing warm and cold fronts.
I just don't know who/what to believe any longer. I don't have any idea what the latest science is. I read about the experiments for anti-matter and who knows what else and there is the international space station doing things that we don't know.
More thought about going vegan. Losing weight seems to be the most profound action I can take regards my health. The loss of weight brings down the blood glucose, the blood pressure. I don't know if it will ever help the heart beats which remain disturbed.
Egypt burning. James Baker on the TV-oh! how my mother disliked him. She blamed him for most of the evil in the world. She taught me my politics.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
1/29/2011
So for the first time I can see how my own chart works. the complex that results in over-eating and compulsive over-eating is the result of complex emotional responses to complex environmental stimuli and I never connected this to my love for food and ccoking and gardening and my love completely for the kitchen and how the kitchen feeds the family and over time becomes family history.
All I ever thought of was " I am bad to be a compulsive overeater and I shouldn't be like that and I should be different. Now I am "seeing" that this was only the shadow side of my personality.
My love of the kitchen has encouraged me to learn how to use food and cooking and eating even gardening to support life and activity and to express all types of emotions and learning.
I had so hated being thought of as fat that all I could think of food and eating was to want to be rid of it. Now I can see that this is also my creativity and self-expression. I am expressing myself as I really am with real talent and interest in food and the experience of food and eating and cooking-I just was overwhelmed by self-loathing
All I ever thought of was " I am bad to be a compulsive overeater and I shouldn't be like that and I should be different. Now I am "seeing" that this was only the shadow side of my personality.
My love of the kitchen has encouraged me to learn how to use food and cooking and eating even gardening to support life and activity and to express all types of emotions and learning.
I had so hated being thought of as fat that all I could think of food and eating was to want to be rid of it. Now I can see that this is also my creativity and self-expression. I am expressing myself as I really am with real talent and interest in food and the experience of food and eating and cooking-I just was overwhelmed by self-loathing
Friday, January 28, 2011
1/28/2011
So much moving and becoming conscious. the love of food is obviously represented by the Mars conjunct Venus in Taurus rising square Saturn, Moon , Pluto in Leo in the 4th-an obsessive, powerful love of food and the square fulcrumed by Uranus in Gemini in the 2nd indicates that I will talk about it and write about and be an all around revolutionary voice. and, yes there will always be those who don't like me or what I have to say.
I have never before seen that the food thing is right there in that complex and that food is the healing agent as well as the illness.
I have feared my "compulsive eating syndrome" not realizing that the symptoms are the physical language telling me that something is terribly worng and for me it is the eating franken foods that leave me ravenous and have at times forced y weight up to over two hundred pounds.
Earlier, I think in 2010,I touched into the memory of being slender and the main thing was the absence of hunger-I was always wanting to feel full but that would never happen if I was eating the "bad foods"-things made in factories and made with factory produced ingredients. this type of food is dead and when I try to live on this type of nourishment I soon go out of control and start eating ravenously as I grow restless and tired and depressed. Only now am I realizing that it is fresh food that i need and that I don't need to do anything other than remind myself that I can eat whatever i am eating until I am no longer wanting to eat. I can trust myself when i am eating fresh food. for instance i can eat a lot of fruit in the summer and it never effects my blood sugars the way sugar-free package pudding does.
More later but I am all lit up as we say: wanting to write about growing old and loving it, the 99 year old poet in japan
I have never before seen that the food thing is right there in that complex and that food is the healing agent as well as the illness.
I have feared my "compulsive eating syndrome" not realizing that the symptoms are the physical language telling me that something is terribly worng and for me it is the eating franken foods that leave me ravenous and have at times forced y weight up to over two hundred pounds.
Earlier, I think in 2010,I touched into the memory of being slender and the main thing was the absence of hunger-I was always wanting to feel full but that would never happen if I was eating the "bad foods"-things made in factories and made with factory produced ingredients. this type of food is dead and when I try to live on this type of nourishment I soon go out of control and start eating ravenously as I grow restless and tired and depressed. Only now am I realizing that it is fresh food that i need and that I don't need to do anything other than remind myself that I can eat whatever i am eating until I am no longer wanting to eat. I can trust myself when i am eating fresh food. for instance i can eat a lot of fruit in the summer and it never effects my blood sugars the way sugar-free package pudding does.
More later but I am all lit up as we say: wanting to write about growing old and loving it, the 99 year old poet in japan
Thursday, January 27, 2011
1/27/2011
So much happiness that I became superstitious and thought "perhaps, I am about to drop dead"
The letter from Cheri, the day at Sacramento meeting new people receiving and opportunity to get to know new engaged welfare rights people,professionals who have chores for me. realizing that my prayers are being answered.
The letter from Cheri, the day at Sacramento meeting new people receiving and opportunity to get to know new engaged welfare rights people,professionals who have chores for me. realizing that my prayers are being answered.
january 27,2011
Queen of Swords------------------QUEEN OF SWORDS---------------------------------
Cheri brollier wrties that she is my friend and plans to be friends for life. this is the gift of Creation, the Mother , to me. I always said to those who would be interested that my chart would not light up until mid-life. Progressed Sun traveling over natal Saturn and Moon and Pluto and heals the infections caused by bruise's and crashes in young life.
I met her one Sunday at Sunday School when the community still used the old building as theFirst Methodist Church of Moscow. The building was a dug-out that had been stuccoed and painted white with a church bell in the SW corner of the building. I
I loved going to Sunday School. the room in which we met, we being the children who were not yet in school or were just in the first grade. In the room was a table w painted a true blue enamel and the floor was covered with red linoleum featuring Mother Goose's biggest hits. I particularly loved the "cow jumped over the moon" and the image of the milking boy falling over and over through space This room really satisfied my on the level of aesthetics. the room was quiet and soothing but also respectful of my five year old energy and my need to "do something" after about three minutes when in the middle of a sit still period of life. The colors themselves did that and watching the train on the mountain forever going over the top and then traveling out of sight on its long distance trip and all would be quiet √I remember clearly that there was a glass-covered utility meter/register and the part of the circular ruler had little black rectangle markers and they appeared to be the cars of the train that was pulled without fail around the track only visible part of the time.
Okay there will be more of this. Took me a moment to realize that the letter yesterday from Cheri was my version of winning the lottery. a dream of childhood,a dream that caused me so much sorrow and regret and seemed to be completely a story of loss and failure has turned into gold what I thought was straw is gold and I was correct all along when I "saw" that my chart would not bloom unil I enterd the period of agedness.
Cheri brollier wrties that she is my friend and plans to be friends for life. this is the gift of Creation, the Mother , to me. I always said to those who would be interested that my chart would not light up until mid-life. Progressed Sun traveling over natal Saturn and Moon and Pluto and heals the infections caused by bruise's and crashes in young life.
I met her one Sunday at Sunday School when the community still used the old building as theFirst Methodist Church of Moscow. The building was a dug-out that had been stuccoed and painted white with a church bell in the SW corner of the building. I
I loved going to Sunday School. the room in which we met, we being the children who were not yet in school or were just in the first grade. In the room was a table w painted a true blue enamel and the floor was covered with red linoleum featuring Mother Goose's biggest hits. I particularly loved the "cow jumped over the moon" and the image of the milking boy falling over and over through space This room really satisfied my on the level of aesthetics. the room was quiet and soothing but also respectful of my five year old energy and my need to "do something" after about three minutes when in the middle of a sit still period of life. The colors themselves did that and watching the train on the mountain forever going over the top and then traveling out of sight on its long distance trip and all would be quiet √I remember clearly that there was a glass-covered utility meter/register and the part of the circular ruler had little black rectangle markers and they appeared to be the cars of the train that was pulled without fail around the track only visible part of the time.
Okay there will be more of this. Took me a moment to realize that the letter yesterday from Cheri was my version of winning the lottery. a dream of childhood,a dream that caused me so much sorrow and regret and seemed to be completely a story of loss and failure has turned into gold what I thought was straw is gold and I was correct all along when I "saw" that my chart would not bloom unil I enterd the period of agedness.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
1/26/2011
So listen up!! I have an inspiration: I want to write about growing old,about life AFTER the menopause, life after service to the collective via reproduction and finding a "career path".
I am loving retirement loving the solitude and the relaxation of being "withdrawn " from daily business life and all the flurry of raising children and working on marriage or other relationships.
Admittedly i have to make a greater effort to stay healthy and sane. for instance walking up the hill from Safeway was a god send-the strenuous workout chased the blues of virus away and kept me energized all day long and I slept soundly. I don't enjoy life as much if I fail to exercise like that everyday
I want to write about the joy of life after 60. It seems that literature only treats age and old age as defeat because it leads to death but I am thinking/feeling that age, this last third or quarter or whatever is actually Life itself and deserves to be celebrated and commented on just as the other stages are. This is part of this inspiration I have to celebrate the common and the ordinary, the daily that we ignore and take for granted but which actually forms the body of our existence. Hecate talking about the Mother loving to make love to her through her bare feet on the summer lawn. The very ground of being so easily ignored so easily overlooked while staring upwards seeking rockets and other fireworks.
My desire to capture the growing freedom from the restraints of mating,nest building,community placing,etc that is age. freedom to be myself after all these years.
Yesterday Steve just summed up the importance of home. He thanked me for making everything soft and sweet. He was referring to my work around the house since I returned from the almost three weeks in Tennessee. this is exactly what I am wanting to capture and Please!! I do not want this backed up by religion or politics but rather something much lower and homely. My father genuinely respected women and praised women. he had been deeply shaped by his mother's elegance even though she was handicapped by having lost one leg. he respected her and identified with her in that he wanted to serve her and support her and he admired her strength of character. I grew up in a home where this high value was always present.
I am loving retirement loving the solitude and the relaxation of being "withdrawn " from daily business life and all the flurry of raising children and working on marriage or other relationships.
Admittedly i have to make a greater effort to stay healthy and sane. for instance walking up the hill from Safeway was a god send-the strenuous workout chased the blues of virus away and kept me energized all day long and I slept soundly. I don't enjoy life as much if I fail to exercise like that everyday
I want to write about the joy of life after 60. It seems that literature only treats age and old age as defeat because it leads to death but I am thinking/feeling that age, this last third or quarter or whatever is actually Life itself and deserves to be celebrated and commented on just as the other stages are. This is part of this inspiration I have to celebrate the common and the ordinary, the daily that we ignore and take for granted but which actually forms the body of our existence. Hecate talking about the Mother loving to make love to her through her bare feet on the summer lawn. The very ground of being so easily ignored so easily overlooked while staring upwards seeking rockets and other fireworks.
My desire to capture the growing freedom from the restraints of mating,nest building,community placing,etc that is age. freedom to be myself after all these years.
Yesterday Steve just summed up the importance of home. He thanked me for making everything soft and sweet. He was referring to my work around the house since I returned from the almost three weeks in Tennessee. this is exactly what I am wanting to capture and Please!! I do not want this backed up by religion or politics but rather something much lower and homely. My father genuinely respected women and praised women. he had been deeply shaped by his mother's elegance even though she was handicapped by having lost one leg. he respected her and identified with her in that he wanted to serve her and support her and he admired her strength of character. I grew up in a home where this high value was always present.
Monday, January 24, 2011
1/24/2011
Whamie!! I fell ill with a cold/flu. I was down from Friday PM until today. I am still ill although better and I have pain reliever to mask the symptoms.
Last night of seeing Tom Waits and cutting his hair but only on the left side agreeing to finish on our next visit. to graduate school in the city at, I guess, the Jung Institute. I am taking entrance exams and feeling like a failure although I am not even though there are health issues that need to be treated mostly with diet and exercise. I am told that I am going to meet a companion scholar, Pikola-Estes, I am so blown away by being told that I will be close to her and will come to know her. I have to leave the facility-school will not begin for sometime yet and I am on vacation. I need to hurry home and get the kids and load up for the ride to the airport-we are flying to Hawaii. We, my sister and Barbara and myself go out to the parking lot but we cannot find my car. we go over every possible place but t is gone. We discuss this on the phone and in person there is some problem with clothes as well and I am quite stressed and must be home by 4:30 so that we can drive to the airport. We go to the gas station across the street seems that we drove there and I try to call home which is Roland.
Jeez-I am too tired to go on here. this dream wore me out and even trying to record it is tiring.
I NEED to drop the past-that seems to be the context of the dream. Ann Ramenofski is in the dreeam.
I was knocked over today by an imagination of what my Saturn represents in me: the shallow, quaking oak leaf of a girl absolutely overwhelmed by cultural and family darkness. so hunted and abused and unable to protect myself and with little parental protection-for some reason I was allowed to wander alone and encountered some real madness adrift in my village
Last night of seeing Tom Waits and cutting his hair but only on the left side agreeing to finish on our next visit. to graduate school in the city at, I guess, the Jung Institute. I am taking entrance exams and feeling like a failure although I am not even though there are health issues that need to be treated mostly with diet and exercise. I am told that I am going to meet a companion scholar, Pikola-Estes, I am so blown away by being told that I will be close to her and will come to know her. I have to leave the facility-school will not begin for sometime yet and I am on vacation. I need to hurry home and get the kids and load up for the ride to the airport-we are flying to Hawaii. We, my sister and Barbara and myself go out to the parking lot but we cannot find my car. we go over every possible place but t is gone. We discuss this on the phone and in person there is some problem with clothes as well and I am quite stressed and must be home by 4:30 so that we can drive to the airport. We go to the gas station across the street seems that we drove there and I try to call home which is Roland.
Jeez-I am too tired to go on here. this dream wore me out and even trying to record it is tiring.
I NEED to drop the past-that seems to be the context of the dream. Ann Ramenofski is in the dreeam.
I was knocked over today by an imagination of what my Saturn represents in me: the shallow, quaking oak leaf of a girl absolutely overwhelmed by cultural and family darkness. so hunted and abused and unable to protect myself and with little parental protection-for some reason I was allowed to wander alone and encountered some real madness adrift in my village
Thursday, January 20, 2011
1/20/2011-second
I have been so flat,so uninspired to write feeling self-conscious and without anything to write. Feeling homely and ordinary and unable to touch into anything that sparkles.
The trip to Tennessee was harder on me than i want to admit. the pull of the religion I was raised in is deeper than I like to admit. I always have this doubt: "what if THEY are right?" I feel in my heart even though I can walk easily through the holes in the philosophy, the beliefs. I just was raised in the religion and I am deeply spiritual feel deeply the invisible origins of life and so there I was alone there with these people my last blood relations and I felt the pull and the pull wearied me and frightened me and left me feeling a failure that I should be so vulnerable to the pull of that which I have rejected because it is the creation of the who don't even know folks like myself.
Well today I am feeling a little off with upset stomach,etc and I was thumbing through Hecate a site I turn to regularly because she is the mix of ecstatic and political and physical that just appeals to me and I came across a site I didn't know: "Pagan Godspell"which says on the opening page "grok Earth and pray without ceasing" and I felt such a lightening of my spirits and WOW!!! my battered little heart just felt so embraced and soothed and encouraged. Encouraged to love the god I have come to trust and to turn to. The god that is at the center of my being would never trick me or deny me or overlook me. No my god is always here right here and it is only me that grows in insight and understanding. My god loves this earth loves this life and my god
loves me and all of creation and desires that we understand this in a fuller and clear way-this is in us from the beginning.
The trip to Tennessee was harder on me than i want to admit. the pull of the religion I was raised in is deeper than I like to admit. I always have this doubt: "what if THEY are right?" I feel in my heart even though I can walk easily through the holes in the philosophy, the beliefs. I just was raised in the religion and I am deeply spiritual feel deeply the invisible origins of life and so there I was alone there with these people my last blood relations and I felt the pull and the pull wearied me and frightened me and left me feeling a failure that I should be so vulnerable to the pull of that which I have rejected because it is the creation of the who don't even know folks like myself.
Well today I am feeling a little off with upset stomach,etc and I was thumbing through Hecate a site I turn to regularly because she is the mix of ecstatic and political and physical that just appeals to me and I came across a site I didn't know: "Pagan Godspell"which says on the opening page "grok Earth and pray without ceasing" and I felt such a lightening of my spirits and WOW!!! my battered little heart just felt so embraced and soothed and encouraged. Encouraged to love the god I have come to trust and to turn to. The god that is at the center of my being would never trick me or deny me or overlook me. No my god is always here right here and it is only me that grows in insight and understanding. My god loves this earth loves this life and my god
loves me and all of creation and desires that we understand this in a fuller and clear way-this is in us from the beginning.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
First Post of 2011:January 18,2011
Happy birthday Susie Navarro and LaVonne Harrison: Randy's sife of three years and my first time supervisor at Contra Costa County.
I have been lonely. Not so many people writing to me via g-mail and Facebook and I am back from Tennessee relieved to be home and also missing the tight,regular household of Susie and Randy and missing Buffy.
I felt so at home there in Tennessee. I suppose this was because I immediately jumped into taking Buffy for her chemo and this is done in a huge room with others something so intimate and personal shared with others in the same strange class.
I hated I think, hated Randi and Susie together. They could ignore us and act as if we were strange creatures and I wanted to bring Buffy home but she wants to stay there and I feel guilty knowing that her care would run me down and we would fight.
I loather the conservative Christians and the talk of having to accept Jesus as one's only saviour. the teaching of eternal damnation if one fails to accept Jesus just wearies me and I wonder at such a violent teaching and one full of trickery.
I am also hating Obama right now . He seems to be really a conservative in hiding and a friend of business and corporate greed. I am growing weary of politics. I had hoped that Obama would bring in some hope but now I only hear capitulation to the big money boys/girls.
Maybe tomorrow. I don't want to fall back into the darkness of depression nor do I want to go over and over the same ground.
I have been lonely. Not so many people writing to me via g-mail and Facebook and I am back from Tennessee relieved to be home and also missing the tight,regular household of Susie and Randy and missing Buffy.
I felt so at home there in Tennessee. I suppose this was because I immediately jumped into taking Buffy for her chemo and this is done in a huge room with others something so intimate and personal shared with others in the same strange class.
I hated I think, hated Randi and Susie together. They could ignore us and act as if we were strange creatures and I wanted to bring Buffy home but she wants to stay there and I feel guilty knowing that her care would run me down and we would fight.
I loather the conservative Christians and the talk of having to accept Jesus as one's only saviour. the teaching of eternal damnation if one fails to accept Jesus just wearies me and I wonder at such a violent teaching and one full of trickery.
I am also hating Obama right now . He seems to be really a conservative in hiding and a friend of business and corporate greed. I am growing weary of politics. I had hoped that Obama would bring in some hope but now I only hear capitulation to the big money boys/girls.
Maybe tomorrow. I don't want to fall back into the darkness of depression nor do I want to go over and over the same ground.
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