12/30/2011

Well I can't really write friends and family: what I am dreaming and thinking are not really subjects for social interaction rather they are more individualized analysis of relationships and philosophy and religious issues.

I was so shocked by my response to her death. I hadn't thought of her as the last of my natal family and I sort of realized that I was unhinged,floating through eternity into the vast silent black psychic sky-The Void. I WAS OVERWHELMED!! I was shocked speechless by Buffy's death. She was always my lynch pin except for the period of our twenties. I thought that I was better than my sister a message I received from my mother. Now in my sixties I think that my mother projected her shadow onto Buffy and Buffy got a lot of hurt and ongoing pain because of that. I didn't realize this when I was younger and in fact there was quite a bit of withdrawal from the people in my daily life by the time I was pretty young-I developed ways of not knowing anything pretty early and hunkered down round my own make believe and Buffy and I were just getting used to knowing that we loved each other and that we needed each other and then she got sick and died and I was left behind and I have been changed by this and the fact that I will be 65 on my next birthday. I simply didn't believe that I came in alone and I will also leave alone. I know that this is almost cliche or at least the way we use the words.
I think that I am coming alive again and in a way I will never be a child again. Puer, so strong in me, is at last defeated. I was so frightened of this development that I have been depressed and I have wondered if I am not a little suicidal or at least I was for a moment there.
I am going to lay on the bed.