WEDNESDAY AGAIN

I wanted to continue describing "Tommy" of my childhood who he was and how he haunted my childhood and did his part in the brooding over the little egg of self-loathing that was to in time paralyze me and ruin my life. I have not failed utterly but I have definite
ley flunked "Civics" and "Applied Sociology".
I loathed my family as much as I was achingly dependent and had a possessive,sentimental love of family. I was so embarrassed by my mother who was so loud and abrasive and didn't wear underwear, panties,and she smoked. Terrifying in ways I was afraid to even feel much less ever speak and I barely knew it before "it"bloomed into a full time psychological complex. I lacked heart and was defeated before I even had a name. The moment I thought that my mother was embarrassing I froze, was paralyzed and just gave up. To me if I didn't have mama I had nothing and the entire game was forfeited. I struggled of course to "get out", get out of the cage wherein I lied there paralyzed and defeated. I was sexually attractive and thought that this was the result of my spiritual efforts-really.
I don't know if I will write out the actual experiences or is I will put them in a non published collection. I like the idea that I am writing this to my clan so that they can see why I didn't do so well but I did try to straighten. I can see the complex in a way-it looks like a dripping piece of coal-coal covered with blood.
More tomorrow.