So long since I wrote. I shut down, just shut down. I thought that I was doing better and truly I was out of the physical part of grief but I couldn't stand with any of the wonderful thoughts and breakthroughs of those weeks.
I remember now the experience of "knowing"that I have always been accompanied on this journey always surrounded by love and the attention of elders and I "knew" in a breath that I would have the same experienced as I move into death. I felt like teaching angels were all around me and they were teaching me something in that thought that was very like learning to write my name in the big letters we first use.
I was shaken to my core by Buffy's death. Somehow I had a fantasy that she would not do it in the end that she would stay alive. If Buffy died then I could no longer deny the facts-I too would die.
Dieing just scared me so deeply; I felt so abandoned by all that I had trusted. This "thought" came up as an answer to that fear. I know it seems simple now that it has been born but believe me I had to go through so much to get to that "thought"and it is such a gift one that I carry with me although I just forgot it for a few weeks.
I am accustomed to Buffy being dead and I still miss her so much. She was so small in death just a little girl and I saw photos of her and was so shocked to see how pretty she was so feminine and old-fashioned. I never saw that because I was so buzy fighting her and doing all that I could to scar her and beat her and totally dominate her. And I won but at the cost of my soul-what violence between us and I was totally unconscious of what I was doing always thought of her as the mean one and everyone joined in and she was tormented but she was always the one who got boyfriends. I was shocked by this because I thought of myself as beautiful, nice, and fun but over and over guys chose her.
I wish that I could have loved her in life as I do now that she is gone and I am not confronted with the fact of her and fall once again to the spell of "my sister"who carried all my shadow, all my nastiness. WOW!! her spirit guides were so glad to welcome her home.
Going to lie down this evening with Steve and red "Godesses In Older Women". I have been really startled to recognize how central Hestia is in my psychology. Wouldn't surprise anyone else who knows these things and knows me
About Me
- Singing Sparrow
- I almost always write in the early morning. I am an aging hippie living with my husband lover, my adult daughter,my almost adult granddaughter looking for her first full time job and my almost teenage grandson and my sister who is 11 months the younger. As the world prepares for a righteous struggle for individual independence and the correcting of the power of corporations to tell how, where and even when to live i seek the lower level where gardens grow and children learn. +++
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