5/22/2011

Amy came down with shingles again-I wish that i had responded to the information I received when I had an outbreak. There is a vaccine that prevents folks from having shingles outbreaks and it works even if one had an earlier outbreak. Well I didn't follow through for myself nor for Amy and she is so worn down now that they have come back.
As witnessed by earlier posts I have been having one of my spiritual storms that I often experience after a shock or a time of long lived anxiety. Arvin left yesterday and didn't return. I don't know what to do-he obviously has no respect for me or Steve or his mother. He is fourteen,disabled and the survivor of a cruel and painful childhood with little to hold onto. I know that I have a debt here or rather I know that I lived like an outlaw in fact I was an outlaw or at least this is in my shadow and I am so horrified by the realization that I have a tendency to think that i am an Outlaw rather than just parts of this in my character.

Okay skipping along jumping over important thoughts I want to get to why I cranked up this program today: Death has terrified me. More than anything I have feared dying I definitely did not want to die the possibility of lights out breaks my heart-life is all I know and the thought of losing life just breaks my heart and scares me so deeply. I have accompanied family members to the door of death but that is it and I am no wiser now than before exscept that I do know about what happens physically as we die.

This morning I was standing in the kitchen preparing to wash dishes and thinking that today I didn't "feel very spiritual" when I did Day 3 of "The Novena To The Holy Ghost" and that is okay . I realize now that the feeling spiritual is simply moodiness and so although I love the high I get from the psychic drug it really is not different from taking a pain p[ill or smoking a little marijuana. And then wham I had a consciousness that death is literally part of life-period. Death is something that happens because we are living and I had this strong sense of honor and dignity and communion wit and the dying is as much part of life as any other part I also felt so supported as I have in all of life-I feel that I am part of something larger than myself: I am a human being and there is instinct for being human being and that instinct embraces me and supports me AND there si also obligation as a member of the species certain things I must accept and do my best to express through my life. I felt this all at once and knew that I could now go on that death is something that is part of our life as human being and all those who went befor support and encourage me and those who are to come demand that I actualize this instinct as fully as possible can given who I am as an individual.

Fearing death reminds me of thinking about childbirth before I experienced it. I just felt so relieved this knowing that I will no more be alone when I die than I was alone when i was born. Call this G-d is you want I often do. I am so grateful to be able to acknowledge my basic origin from this,to this and having my being in it.