8/20/2010

Mercury goes retrograde today and I still have not mailed back the form from the retirement board who have acted on my bank status by stopping the direct deposit and moving to send me a paper check. This because CCFCu notified them of the checking account closure. God I am so glad to be out of that horrible tension: writing checks and then using the debit card to spend the money before the check would arrive at say PG&E or EBMUD-cost me thousand sof dollars I am sure well at least hundreds.
Haven't written George since his er-mail letter chasitising me for my flow of consciousness writing style and bragging about his out of sight FICA score. At first I thought that he was referring to the Social Security tax but he was referring to his credit score!! I felt pride in him and shame in myself that I could never get my gambling instinct under control and I could not simply could not pay my debts. I know and this is all that I know about this darkness, the character flaw, the personality disorder is that I know I was wounded when Timothy Miller said that my father would not pay his debts and this got all tied up with sex which at the time around age eight or so was to my understanding this dirty evil thing that no one but myself and grubby little boys were involved with.
HMMMM! she says to her computer!! I saved my sex- walked down to the swamp, the sewer and pulled HER out and healed her with consciousness and good food and clean surroundings and sunlight and the beauty of the late spring in which I was born and which is then her birthright. I healed ( don't want to continue referring to myself in the third person but perhaps I will use this at some point in fiction and then will use the third person) after years and various experiments from cross racial matings to homosexual matings and to the absolute refusal to be married believing in my depths that I was married to Wayne and we had two children and I abandoned them,I bolted as the British term it. I left Gerald because in my heart I knew that I was a lie there and that Gerald was not happy. so many evenings there was rigid silence and I believed this was because I trapped him by becoming pregnant even though some of this was just Gerald struggling with his own demons but for me I had to NOT be married and I was careful to avoid any hint of that after the loss of hope with Steve Back.
Okay going off track there. Marriage was part of this but the bigger thing to me was my sex and how frozen I was. I hate the word frigid with all the male judgement contained in that term. To me I was frozen and I didn't understand why. I loved orgasm but could only know that through masturbation and that is always a lonely thing. Took years and years of experimenting to finally be free and the last distance I traveled with Steve because of his loving, non-judgmental, non-perverted sex. He is without question the kindest, nicest man I have ever known and I felt safe with him safe to be who I am with no need to explain and I learned to love him and trust him and I am so married to him now in this last part of the run-life.
In the end the power of my sex spooked steve and that hurt and I just had to shrug-there it is Clymela oh Queen of Hades (Moon conjunct Pluto by less than a degree) there is always and will be something there that frightens and repels others and that is something that I have made my peace with although that peace has come at great expence.
My sister has been close to death due to serious pneumonia which went undiagnosed and which came to light on the flight from SFO to Denver: Frontier attendents thought that she was too ill to continue and transferred her to kaiser hospital in Denver which by the way is our mother's hospital St Joseph where she was diagnosed and moved to ICU for intravenous anti-biotics. This is terrifying and explains why my sister was dreaming of our parents and missing them. I am so sad that this is how things went down. I kept talking about her cough and she kept saying that she always coughs like this with her allergies. I thought that she had whooping cough when actually this was her strong physical being fighting back against the illness that had become pneumonia.
Well to this issue I must say that her son and family blame me and are horrified although I have arrange to get to Denver and bring her home-Josie willing to lend the money for a few days and get both of us home but Randy wants to go get her and bring back to Tennessee and then have me come out. I don't want to come out there. I don't like christians even though I was raised that way-Randy doesn't listen to me and is so wrapped up in his Jesus light that nothing I say is accepted. I am reminded of why I rejected my brother,Bill for just that same rejection of my thoughts and words and use then using his Jesus thoughts to brutalize us because he was rejected at birth because he was conceived outside of marriage-that being of course what happened with folk all caught up in their Jesus talking. Oh this brings the tears remembering Bill bringing his new young family with their music and talent to give Mama a nice funeral but really it was a platform for Bill to announce his blood relationship and to shame Mama in her casket. One of Mamas work friends stood up and said well I don't care Dorothy Box was a hard-working good woman after Bill announced to the congregation that HE was her First Born and that HE had come to offer them salvation.
This is what I loathe in the Christians and why I turned to Thomas Merton and the progressive RC's-I wanted to share the Good News that we are, all of us, all of Creation, the children of the One G-d. We are the inheritors of the Kingdom. Oh!! YES!! I am christian to my core but I am not a Christian. I feel like weeping when someone says 'have you been saved? Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus?' I find the entire idea repulsive and very profoundly irritating. I means as if the Creator or the beautiful savior would be so small so human that I would have to kneel before someone who has not yet descended to Hell to rescue her own sister/her own vital pulsing sex/heart and plead for Jesus to save me. I am saved by my own body, my own blood,my own sweat and by my faith in life that flows through me and will until that last breath and I trust that the Love that gave me life will accept me back and whatever that is will go on eternally and I don't have to know, indeed could not know what is the Whole. I do accept at this point that when I say Love I am referring to What contains the highest brightest understanding and the darkest,warmest, ooziest knowing acceptance and I know even as I am one of the broader Knowers still I am a speck in the known Creation (Universe we call It now).
So as I was saying in regards my sister the Christians now have something on me and I erase all their repugnance over my sister's incontinence and confusion. No one there remembers that I am the one and Steve let me not grab all the honor,are the ones here 24/7 who cannot even go to the grocery store without letting her know and making sure that she does realize that we will be back in an hour or two, that we are the ones to get her outside or out to go shopping although this summer we have had no left-over money and even had our cable disconnected for a while. We are the ones who make sure that she has a home and is not institutionalized even though ']
Well the morning is on and the mood has passed so more tomorrow.