08/23/2010

Posting from Astroworld-Sally's cancer is back and on her liver not in her liver as she said. so much going on right now. Buffy doing well with her grand daughters and Randy and for this I am grateful. they have the resources to buy her all new clothes and get her glasses (shich she refused here until just a little while back. I was planning to do that when she came back-remember she was to be gone only a week.)

Okay!! my sister is with son and family in Nashville where she is being treated like a queen with all new clothes suited to their climate-the Levis, knit tops and hoodies used here will not work for the 90 degrees with high humidity there. The family has embraced her with all their Jesus love, etc.and I am excluded and so it is. I feel your love and light for me and I love it and I am going out today to pick even more berries and the sun is shining and so what if i awakened weeping today- like the Gemini I am there are many many ways to take things.
Sally-fu-k the news regarding your health! Do you have help with the moving? OOHH! moving is sooo dificult once we are mature and have real roots gnarly old things with strings all over the place. I remember when I could move with a car a couple of boxes-no more even though I continue to honor poverty (willing to have a new outlook my friends Reiki and prayers requested and accepted here).
Sally thanks for the info regarding the channeling. I believe that America is still growing into that sacred City On The Hill. The wealth and power released when we dropped the bombs to destroy Nagisake and Hiroshima have caused us to stagger in our moral path but still we have had the Civil Rights acts and are struggling to free same sex partners AND to accept Islam as one of the main paths of faith in the WORLD. I believe that we will continue to build this City On The Hill for everyone and, I pray, every part of creation such as my cats, etc. the spiritual foundation here will not be destroyed by the material although god knows many of us will be done in by greed and avarice and bigotry but the foundation of this gathering will not be undone although perhaps hindered. I just know this in my gut and bones.
I have been slower to lose my fear of authority-too much wrapped up in rebellion perhaps but these days the authority comes across as such bozos so lame and insignificant. I mean for this Catholic woman loving her Mother listening to the current Pope is disconcerting to say the least. I mean grown-up 21st century men preaching 17th century science and philosophy? Are they kidding? I have a feeling that when Jesus comes back in our hearts and minds they will feel silly eating off their golden bowls with silver spoons with no one to love and no one to love them and a New World aborning all around them never needing to consult them. And don't even ask me about our Actor For Governor and his dream of a big fat death row prison when people are hungry and looking for work. Really don't ask I get very vulger when speechless.
Well I don't know if I should post this or file it in my own little blog area-a pure stream of consciousness coming after shock and stress and sorrow. Love to you wonderful companions.

Didn't wake up weeping today..0
my sister is being cared for in Tennesse. The tone when speaking with me is cold and without their saying so I know that they blame me because she has no new clothes and her dentures set here in a container and she has no glasses. the family hasn't experienced her combativeness-how wonderful if they do not. At any rate she had told me that she didn't like her dentures but in the past few weeks she admitted that she doesn't use them because they don't fit and so I had told her that we would make a dental appointment to get the dentures relined. She told me that she no longer needs glasses only to finally admit that she needs glasses and I planned to get her into Kaiser for prescription after her visit home. And on and on. I am tired I guess. I tensed up this morning thinking of how to explain to her that Steve and I would have to be out of the house and then remembering that she is not here. I can take her with me when I have money but lately I only have money for about ten days or two weeks and the rest of the month has been grim. I had another friend complaining of the same reality and admittedly some of my problems are in giving money to those who need help.

Nothing I say, I gather from my words, is acceptable. I am evidently not a good manager although I suspect if Randy and family actually lived here with my income and my sister smoking compulsively believing in smoking because our parents both smoked until the end and refusing to bathe,etc. She needed the type of attention that I just couldn't give. If she returns I will apply for IHSS for her and get the help that I need. Perhaps I could hire Courtney to do this work-I can't I am tired myself and just can keep up with my own work,etc. plus I would like to have some life of my own. Buffy has been a great negative drain on me and now I understand-she has been fighting cancer and therefore all her energy was in the roots and she was plain unable to bloom or in anyway have any fun.
I laughed a bit. when she was talking about her new wardrobe that her grand daughters purchased I laughed to myself saying 'well they should look at my closet' although I do still have some work clothes that could be dressed up a bit.
The truth is that my sister wants to be with her son and granddaughters and they did not want her around and especially Randy's new wife wants nothing to do with Buffy or us (god I didn't even send them a wedding present,etc. nothing). As buffy blurted out when there for the wedding 'Randy married up meaning that her family has property and education and we do not.
UHOH1 I just recalled my father's insistence that higher education was totally unnecessary-that he was able to support a family without it although of course we were always one foot ahead of outright poverty and never had a home of our own once we left Kansas. We faced bitter under-employment,etc and my mother was creamed in a rear-end and was in the hospital ( god I remember one friend's mother was paralyzed utterly on his graduation
an she was in the same hospital on the same floor as my mother and I was pregnant with Lisa living just down the street from the hospital an no one, no one encouraged me to be the girl/woman I could have been with some love and support but everyone was either angry or embarrassed and I was the Bad Girl breaking my mother's heart. The support I did encounter was so intermittent that I could not rely on it and I needed daily support. Wayne's grandmother was ready to support but she was so full of hate and negativity toward others that I actually feared her. I have learned that she died of alcoholism with her beautiful daughter-weird but of course when I was seventeen with two babies and almost a blank slate I could do nothing but withdraw into myself and then everyone left-my parents, his parents and finally his grandparents and that is when I fell apart. OOOH! why am I returning to that terrible time? As Wayne's sister said on facebook ' August is the longest moth.' Lisa was born and died in August and her beloved daughter Kristil died in August.
I saw photos of Lisa's daughter, Alyssa, who is raising Kristil's little girl Destiny.
Alyssa is my grand daughter funny that I don't say that-well we are in relationship through blood only- I have not been there and although Leisa reached out we ended and never healed during her life time.
Okay more later-Steve came in and I am doing dishes and my eyes are lifted away from the 'regret'another term for depression.