I was afraid to come over here this morning as if I were going to an abandoned,old house with broken windows and loose flooring and lots of dust. HMMMM!! Spoke with my sister and invited her back here to stay with me but she says 'no!'. she wants to stay there where she can 'get better care'which I think means a more middle-class abode and no crazy hippie sister writing and listening to the radio and living her San Francisco bohemian life right here in Richmond where it is so cold as the wind whips around the corner off the Bay straight from San Francisco which is easily visable.
so angry with Alan Simpson (from Wyoming?) who says that Social Security is the cow with 310 million tits and that it is for the 'lesser people'-yes!! and addressed to this utter pig-it is OUR money that we have saved-most of us are not the egg-sucking dogs that you politicians are. No we can't 'save' from our meager wages but we have put our money together and we have built a program that works and you suckers just hte us for that . we have proven how bountiful is life and how beautiful things could be if you monsters could forced to live only on your fair share. Even now there is enough for 7 billion to have enough to meet their needs but not if we have the fuckers who want it all.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
08/26/2010
Here are the words I wrote for AstroWorld but my mood is so negatvie that I will just keep it here.
My family has certainly had a rough August and it appears that the US is having a rough August. Glen Beck and Sarah Palin represent something that i find so frightening and troubling and Alan Simpsom refers folks such as myself as 'lesser people' and no one in the administration does a thing. also I hate this 'Race To The Top' approach to education. Ugly and nasty and directed not to the best but rather is aimed at making sure that the poorest and the dimmest are not in the 'game'.
Obama just seems to want to let all the meanies go forward and he will just wander around lacking gravitas unable to lead because he is not tough enough and lets his advisors decide how the country will be governed.
I am sick of this ugliness and I magine that feeling the judgement from Randy and family is part of this]
'Blagojevich will be retried-his attorneys are broke and cannot continue. wonder who the government will select to defend him. An attorney who will promise to get a conviction?
I am officially sick of government and politics. I guess this is because of MSNBC,KPFA,GREEN 960 of actually hearing these monsters day in day out full of sh-- some of them actually taking off after my family, myself,etc. I cannot stand it any more. Glen Beck gets noteriety because he wants to 'honor the Civil Rights movement' this after folk like Dr Laura scream the word nigger while saying that some of her best friends are African-American and this same man, Glen Beck, says that he believes that Obama is a racist who hates white people )this although his mother,grandparents, etc are white.
I am cleaning house-venetian blinds and all. Money is really tight but will ease up once Steve has his issues with the university straightened out. Virgo-we are now in the time of Virgo and I am fascinated with cleaning and getting everything in order the better to enjoy life.
The movement to hate Islam is running through the news and media reports and I am sickened. The folk who want to stomp on folks who are different have always frightened me and caused me to stay away from them perhaps now I won't have that luxury.
My family has certainly had a rough August and it appears that the US is having a rough August. Glen Beck and Sarah Palin represent something that i find so frightening and troubling and Alan Simpsom refers folks such as myself as 'lesser people' and no one in the administration does a thing. also I hate this 'Race To The Top' approach to education. Ugly and nasty and directed not to the best but rather is aimed at making sure that the poorest and the dimmest are not in the 'game'.
Obama just seems to want to let all the meanies go forward and he will just wander around lacking gravitas unable to lead because he is not tough enough and lets his advisors decide how the country will be governed.
I am sick of this ugliness and I magine that feeling the judgement from Randy and family is part of this]
'Blagojevich will be retried-his attorneys are broke and cannot continue. wonder who the government will select to defend him. An attorney who will promise to get a conviction?
I am officially sick of government and politics. I guess this is because of MSNBC,KPFA,GREEN 960 of actually hearing these monsters day in day out full of sh-- some of them actually taking off after my family, myself,etc. I cannot stand it any more. Glen Beck gets noteriety because he wants to 'honor the Civil Rights movement' this after folk like Dr Laura scream the word nigger while saying that some of her best friends are African-American and this same man, Glen Beck, says that he believes that Obama is a racist who hates white people )this although his mother,grandparents, etc are white.
I am cleaning house-venetian blinds and all. Money is really tight but will ease up once Steve has his issues with the university straightened out. Virgo-we are now in the time of Virgo and I am fascinated with cleaning and getting everything in order the better to enjoy life.
The movement to hate Islam is running through the news and media reports and I am sickened. The folk who want to stomp on folks who are different have always frightened me and caused me to stay away from them perhaps now I won't have that luxury.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
08/25/2010
Wednesday and I am settling in to Buffy being gone. I was taken aback by her tone when she asked me to send her Social Security to her she sounded as if there was some idea that I would not. Weird but I imagine that she continues to believe that I just took her money and gave her nothing of value in exchange and god knows helping out with household expenses is not reasonable.
Then there is the frost from Randy and family: I have decided to just let things go. last night was the first time Steve and I have been alone in years and it was wonderful. I also love how easy it is to provide food and cleaning for just the two of us. I am weary of caring for everyone and just getting kicked in the teeth for it. I was past weary of all the perfumes and chemicals for cleaning and washing and to have just our quiet unscented life. I am looking forward to picking berries along the BART tail today and for buying flour and eggs and milk at the natural food store. I can afford to spend more on these staples is I am not spending it on the needs and desires of other people.
I am sure that Randy is busted what with all the extra expenses-I felt the urge to send him money but not any more. I feel condemned and rejected. I remember how quick he was to get Buffy out here and to never look back or so it appeared to me. Well as someone said people always need someone to blame and this is my turn.
Then there is the frost from Randy and family: I have decided to just let things go. last night was the first time Steve and I have been alone in years and it was wonderful. I also love how easy it is to provide food and cleaning for just the two of us. I am weary of caring for everyone and just getting kicked in the teeth for it. I was past weary of all the perfumes and chemicals for cleaning and washing and to have just our quiet unscented life. I am looking forward to picking berries along the BART tail today and for buying flour and eggs and milk at the natural food store. I can afford to spend more on these staples is I am not spending it on the needs and desires of other people.
I am sure that Randy is busted what with all the extra expenses-I felt the urge to send him money but not any more. I feel condemned and rejected. I remember how quick he was to get Buffy out here and to never look back or so it appeared to me. Well as someone said people always need someone to blame and this is my turn.
Monday, August 23, 2010
08/23/2010
Posting from Astroworld-Sally's cancer is back and on her liver not in her liver as she said. so much going on right now. Buffy doing well with her grand daughters and Randy and for this I am grateful. they have the resources to buy her all new clothes and get her glasses (shich she refused here until just a little while back. I was planning to do that when she came back-remember she was to be gone only a week.)
Okay!! my sister is with son and family in Nashville where she is being treated like a queen with all new clothes suited to their climate-the Levis, knit tops and hoodies used here will not work for the 90 degrees with high humidity there. The family has embraced her with all their Jesus love, etc.and I am excluded and so it is. I feel your love and light for me and I love it and I am going out today to pick even more berries and the sun is shining and so what if i awakened weeping today- like the Gemini I am there are many many ways to take things.
Sally-fu-k the news regarding your health! Do you have help with the moving? OOHH! moving is sooo dificult once we are mature and have real roots gnarly old things with strings all over the place. I remember when I could move with a car a couple of boxes-no more even though I continue to honor poverty (willing to have a new outlook my friends Reiki and prayers requested and accepted here).
Sally thanks for the info regarding the channeling. I believe that America is still growing into that sacred City On The Hill. The wealth and power released when we dropped the bombs to destroy Nagisake and Hiroshima have caused us to stagger in our moral path but still we have had the Civil Rights acts and are struggling to free same sex partners AND to accept Islam as one of the main paths of faith in the WORLD. I believe that we will continue to build this City On The Hill for everyone and, I pray, every part of creation such as my cats, etc. the spiritual foundation here will not be destroyed by the material although god knows many of us will be done in by greed and avarice and bigotry but the foundation of this gathering will not be undone although perhaps hindered. I just know this in my gut and bones.
I have been slower to lose my fear of authority-too much wrapped up in rebellion perhaps but these days the authority comes across as such bozos so lame and insignificant. I mean for this Catholic woman loving her Mother listening to the current Pope is disconcerting to say the least. I mean grown-up 21st century men preaching 17th century science and philosophy? Are they kidding? I have a feeling that when Jesus comes back in our hearts and minds they will feel silly eating off their golden bowls with silver spoons with no one to love and no one to love them and a New World aborning all around them never needing to consult them. And don't even ask me about our Actor For Governor and his dream of a big fat death row prison when people are hungry and looking for work. Really don't ask I get very vulger when speechless.
Well I don't know if I should post this or file it in my own little blog area-a pure stream of consciousness coming after shock and stress and sorrow. Love to you wonderful companions.
Didn't wake up weeping today..0
my sister is being cared for in Tennesse. The tone when speaking with me is cold and without their saying so I know that they blame me because she has no new clothes and her dentures set here in a container and she has no glasses. the family hasn't experienced her combativeness-how wonderful if they do not. At any rate she had told me that she didn't like her dentures but in the past few weeks she admitted that she doesn't use them because they don't fit and so I had told her that we would make a dental appointment to get the dentures relined. She told me that she no longer needs glasses only to finally admit that she needs glasses and I planned to get her into Kaiser for prescription after her visit home. And on and on. I am tired I guess. I tensed up this morning thinking of how to explain to her that Steve and I would have to be out of the house and then remembering that she is not here. I can take her with me when I have money but lately I only have money for about ten days or two weeks and the rest of the month has been grim. I had another friend complaining of the same reality and admittedly some of my problems are in giving money to those who need help.
Nothing I say, I gather from my words, is acceptable. I am evidently not a good manager although I suspect if Randy and family actually lived here with my income and my sister smoking compulsively believing in smoking because our parents both smoked until the end and refusing to bathe,etc. She needed the type of attention that I just couldn't give. If she returns I will apply for IHSS for her and get the help that I need. Perhaps I could hire Courtney to do this work-I can't I am tired myself and just can keep up with my own work,etc. plus I would like to have some life of my own. Buffy has been a great negative drain on me and now I understand-she has been fighting cancer and therefore all her energy was in the roots and she was plain unable to bloom or in anyway have any fun.
I laughed a bit. when she was talking about her new wardrobe that her grand daughters purchased I laughed to myself saying 'well they should look at my closet' although I do still have some work clothes that could be dressed up a bit.
The truth is that my sister wants to be with her son and granddaughters and they did not want her around and especially Randy's new wife wants nothing to do with Buffy or us (god I didn't even send them a wedding present,etc. nothing). As buffy blurted out when there for the wedding 'Randy married up meaning that her family has property and education and we do not.
UHOH1 I just recalled my father's insistence that higher education was totally unnecessary-that he was able to support a family without it although of course we were always one foot ahead of outright poverty and never had a home of our own once we left Kansas. We faced bitter under-employment,etc and my mother was creamed in a rear-end and was in the hospital ( god I remember one friend's mother was paralyzed utterly on his graduation
an she was in the same hospital on the same floor as my mother and I was pregnant with Lisa living just down the street from the hospital an no one, no one encouraged me to be the girl/woman I could have been with some love and support but everyone was either angry or embarrassed and I was the Bad Girl breaking my mother's heart. The support I did encounter was so intermittent that I could not rely on it and I needed daily support. Wayne's grandmother was ready to support but she was so full of hate and negativity toward others that I actually feared her. I have learned that she died of alcoholism with her beautiful daughter-weird but of course when I was seventeen with two babies and almost a blank slate I could do nothing but withdraw into myself and then everyone left-my parents, his parents and finally his grandparents and that is when I fell apart. OOOH! why am I returning to that terrible time? As Wayne's sister said on facebook ' August is the longest moth.' Lisa was born and died in August and her beloved daughter Kristil died in August.
I saw photos of Lisa's daughter, Alyssa, who is raising Kristil's little girl Destiny.
Alyssa is my grand daughter funny that I don't say that-well we are in relationship through blood only- I have not been there and although Leisa reached out we ended and never healed during her life time.
Okay more later-Steve came in and I am doing dishes and my eyes are lifted away from the 'regret'another term for depression.
Okay!! my sister is with son and family in Nashville where she is being treated like a queen with all new clothes suited to their climate-the Levis, knit tops and hoodies used here will not work for the 90 degrees with high humidity there. The family has embraced her with all their Jesus love, etc.and I am excluded and so it is. I feel your love and light for me and I love it and I am going out today to pick even more berries and the sun is shining and so what if i awakened weeping today- like the Gemini I am there are many many ways to take things.
Sally-fu-k the news regarding your health! Do you have help with the moving? OOHH! moving is sooo dificult once we are mature and have real roots gnarly old things with strings all over the place. I remember when I could move with a car a couple of boxes-no more even though I continue to honor poverty (willing to have a new outlook my friends Reiki and prayers requested and accepted here).
Sally thanks for the info regarding the channeling. I believe that America is still growing into that sacred City On The Hill. The wealth and power released when we dropped the bombs to destroy Nagisake and Hiroshima have caused us to stagger in our moral path but still we have had the Civil Rights acts and are struggling to free same sex partners AND to accept Islam as one of the main paths of faith in the WORLD. I believe that we will continue to build this City On The Hill for everyone and, I pray, every part of creation such as my cats, etc. the spiritual foundation here will not be destroyed by the material although god knows many of us will be done in by greed and avarice and bigotry but the foundation of this gathering will not be undone although perhaps hindered. I just know this in my gut and bones.
I have been slower to lose my fear of authority-too much wrapped up in rebellion perhaps but these days the authority comes across as such bozos so lame and insignificant. I mean for this Catholic woman loving her Mother listening to the current Pope is disconcerting to say the least. I mean grown-up 21st century men preaching 17th century science and philosophy? Are they kidding? I have a feeling that when Jesus comes back in our hearts and minds they will feel silly eating off their golden bowls with silver spoons with no one to love and no one to love them and a New World aborning all around them never needing to consult them. And don't even ask me about our Actor For Governor and his dream of a big fat death row prison when people are hungry and looking for work. Really don't ask I get very vulger when speechless.
Well I don't know if I should post this or file it in my own little blog area-a pure stream of consciousness coming after shock and stress and sorrow. Love to you wonderful companions.
Didn't wake up weeping today..0
my sister is being cared for in Tennesse. The tone when speaking with me is cold and without their saying so I know that they blame me because she has no new clothes and her dentures set here in a container and she has no glasses. the family hasn't experienced her combativeness-how wonderful if they do not. At any rate she had told me that she didn't like her dentures but in the past few weeks she admitted that she doesn't use them because they don't fit and so I had told her that we would make a dental appointment to get the dentures relined. She told me that she no longer needs glasses only to finally admit that she needs glasses and I planned to get her into Kaiser for prescription after her visit home. And on and on. I am tired I guess. I tensed up this morning thinking of how to explain to her that Steve and I would have to be out of the house and then remembering that she is not here. I can take her with me when I have money but lately I only have money for about ten days or two weeks and the rest of the month has been grim. I had another friend complaining of the same reality and admittedly some of my problems are in giving money to those who need help.
Nothing I say, I gather from my words, is acceptable. I am evidently not a good manager although I suspect if Randy and family actually lived here with my income and my sister smoking compulsively believing in smoking because our parents both smoked until the end and refusing to bathe,etc. She needed the type of attention that I just couldn't give. If she returns I will apply for IHSS for her and get the help that I need. Perhaps I could hire Courtney to do this work-I can't I am tired myself and just can keep up with my own work,etc. plus I would like to have some life of my own. Buffy has been a great negative drain on me and now I understand-she has been fighting cancer and therefore all her energy was in the roots and she was plain unable to bloom or in anyway have any fun.
I laughed a bit. when she was talking about her new wardrobe that her grand daughters purchased I laughed to myself saying 'well they should look at my closet' although I do still have some work clothes that could be dressed up a bit.
The truth is that my sister wants to be with her son and granddaughters and they did not want her around and especially Randy's new wife wants nothing to do with Buffy or us (god I didn't even send them a wedding present,etc. nothing). As buffy blurted out when there for the wedding 'Randy married up meaning that her family has property and education and we do not.
UHOH1 I just recalled my father's insistence that higher education was totally unnecessary-that he was able to support a family without it although of course we were always one foot ahead of outright poverty and never had a home of our own once we left Kansas. We faced bitter under-employment,etc and my mother was creamed in a rear-end and was in the hospital ( god I remember one friend's mother was paralyzed utterly on his graduation
an she was in the same hospital on the same floor as my mother and I was pregnant with Lisa living just down the street from the hospital an no one, no one encouraged me to be the girl/woman I could have been with some love and support but everyone was either angry or embarrassed and I was the Bad Girl breaking my mother's heart. The support I did encounter was so intermittent that I could not rely on it and I needed daily support. Wayne's grandmother was ready to support but she was so full of hate and negativity toward others that I actually feared her. I have learned that she died of alcoholism with her beautiful daughter-weird but of course when I was seventeen with two babies and almost a blank slate I could do nothing but withdraw into myself and then everyone left-my parents, his parents and finally his grandparents and that is when I fell apart. OOOH! why am I returning to that terrible time? As Wayne's sister said on facebook ' August is the longest moth.' Lisa was born and died in August and her beloved daughter Kristil died in August.
I saw photos of Lisa's daughter, Alyssa, who is raising Kristil's little girl Destiny.
Alyssa is my grand daughter funny that I don't say that-well we are in relationship through blood only- I have not been there and although Leisa reached out we ended and never healed during her life time.
Okay more later-Steve came in and I am doing dishes and my eyes are lifted away from the 'regret'another term for depression.
Friday, August 20, 2010
8/20/2010
Mercury goes retrograde today and I still have not mailed back the form from the retirement board who have acted on my bank status by stopping the direct deposit and moving to send me a paper check. This because CCFCu notified them of the checking account closure. God I am so glad to be out of that horrible tension: writing checks and then using the debit card to spend the money before the check would arrive at say PG&E or EBMUD-cost me thousand sof dollars I am sure well at least hundreds.
Haven't written George since his er-mail letter chasitising me for my flow of consciousness writing style and bragging about his out of sight FICA score. At first I thought that he was referring to the Social Security tax but he was referring to his credit score!! I felt pride in him and shame in myself that I could never get my gambling instinct under control and I could not simply could not pay my debts. I know and this is all that I know about this darkness, the character flaw, the personality disorder is that I know I was wounded when Timothy Miller said that my father would not pay his debts and this got all tied up with sex which at the time around age eight or so was to my understanding this dirty evil thing that no one but myself and grubby little boys were involved with.
HMMMM! she says to her computer!! I saved my sex- walked down to the swamp, the sewer and pulled HER out and healed her with consciousness and good food and clean surroundings and sunlight and the beauty of the late spring in which I was born and which is then her birthright. I healed ( don't want to continue referring to myself in the third person but perhaps I will use this at some point in fiction and then will use the third person) after years and various experiments from cross racial matings to homosexual matings and to the absolute refusal to be married believing in my depths that I was married to Wayne and we had two children and I abandoned them,I bolted as the British term it. I left Gerald because in my heart I knew that I was a lie there and that Gerald was not happy. so many evenings there was rigid silence and I believed this was because I trapped him by becoming pregnant even though some of this was just Gerald struggling with his own demons but for me I had to NOT be married and I was careful to avoid any hint of that after the loss of hope with Steve Back.
Okay going off track there. Marriage was part of this but the bigger thing to me was my sex and how frozen I was. I hate the word frigid with all the male judgement contained in that term. To me I was frozen and I didn't understand why. I loved orgasm but could only know that through masturbation and that is always a lonely thing. Took years and years of experimenting to finally be free and the last distance I traveled with Steve because of his loving, non-judgmental, non-perverted sex. He is without question the kindest, nicest man I have ever known and I felt safe with him safe to be who I am with no need to explain and I learned to love him and trust him and I am so married to him now in this last part of the run-life.
In the end the power of my sex spooked steve and that hurt and I just had to shrug-there it is Clymela oh Queen of Hades (Moon conjunct Pluto by less than a degree) there is always and will be something there that frightens and repels others and that is something that I have made my peace with although that peace has come at great expence.
My sister has been close to death due to serious pneumonia which went undiagnosed and which came to light on the flight from SFO to Denver: Frontier attendents thought that she was too ill to continue and transferred her to kaiser hospital in Denver which by the way is our mother's hospital St Joseph where she was diagnosed and moved to ICU for intravenous anti-biotics. This is terrifying and explains why my sister was dreaming of our parents and missing them. I am so sad that this is how things went down. I kept talking about her cough and she kept saying that she always coughs like this with her allergies. I thought that she had whooping cough when actually this was her strong physical being fighting back against the illness that had become pneumonia.
Well to this issue I must say that her son and family blame me and are horrified although I have arrange to get to Denver and bring her home-Josie willing to lend the money for a few days and get both of us home but Randy wants to go get her and bring back to Tennessee and then have me come out. I don't want to come out there. I don't like christians even though I was raised that way-Randy doesn't listen to me and is so wrapped up in his Jesus light that nothing I say is accepted. I am reminded of why I rejected my brother,Bill for just that same rejection of my thoughts and words and use then using his Jesus thoughts to brutalize us because he was rejected at birth because he was conceived outside of marriage-that being of course what happened with folk all caught up in their Jesus talking. Oh this brings the tears remembering Bill bringing his new young family with their music and talent to give Mama a nice funeral but really it was a platform for Bill to announce his blood relationship and to shame Mama in her casket. One of Mamas work friends stood up and said well I don't care Dorothy Box was a hard-working good woman after Bill announced to the congregation that HE was her First Born and that HE had come to offer them salvation.
This is what I loathe in the Christians and why I turned to Thomas Merton and the progressive RC's-I wanted to share the Good News that we are, all of us, all of Creation, the children of the One G-d. We are the inheritors of the Kingdom. Oh!! YES!! I am christian to my core but I am not a Christian. I feel like weeping when someone says 'have you been saved? Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus?' I find the entire idea repulsive and very profoundly irritating. I means as if the Creator or the beautiful savior would be so small so human that I would have to kneel before someone who has not yet descended to Hell to rescue her own sister/her own vital pulsing sex/heart and plead for Jesus to save me. I am saved by my own body, my own blood,my own sweat and by my faith in life that flows through me and will until that last breath and I trust that the Love that gave me life will accept me back and whatever that is will go on eternally and I don't have to know, indeed could not know what is the Whole. I do accept at this point that when I say Love I am referring to What contains the highest brightest understanding and the darkest,warmest, ooziest knowing acceptance and I know even as I am one of the broader Knowers still I am a speck in the known Creation (Universe we call It now).
So as I was saying in regards my sister the Christians now have something on me and I erase all their repugnance over my sister's incontinence and confusion. No one there remembers that I am the one and Steve let me not grab all the honor,are the ones here 24/7 who cannot even go to the grocery store without letting her know and making sure that she does realize that we will be back in an hour or two, that we are the ones to get her outside or out to go shopping although this summer we have had no left-over money and even had our cable disconnected for a while. We are the ones who make sure that she has a home and is not institutionalized even though ']
Well the morning is on and the mood has passed so more tomorrow.
Haven't written George since his er-mail letter chasitising me for my flow of consciousness writing style and bragging about his out of sight FICA score. At first I thought that he was referring to the Social Security tax but he was referring to his credit score!! I felt pride in him and shame in myself that I could never get my gambling instinct under control and I could not simply could not pay my debts. I know and this is all that I know about this darkness, the character flaw, the personality disorder is that I know I was wounded when Timothy Miller said that my father would not pay his debts and this got all tied up with sex which at the time around age eight or so was to my understanding this dirty evil thing that no one but myself and grubby little boys were involved with.
HMMMM! she says to her computer!! I saved my sex- walked down to the swamp, the sewer and pulled HER out and healed her with consciousness and good food and clean surroundings and sunlight and the beauty of the late spring in which I was born and which is then her birthright. I healed ( don't want to continue referring to myself in the third person but perhaps I will use this at some point in fiction and then will use the third person) after years and various experiments from cross racial matings to homosexual matings and to the absolute refusal to be married believing in my depths that I was married to Wayne and we had two children and I abandoned them,I bolted as the British term it. I left Gerald because in my heart I knew that I was a lie there and that Gerald was not happy. so many evenings there was rigid silence and I believed this was because I trapped him by becoming pregnant even though some of this was just Gerald struggling with his own demons but for me I had to NOT be married and I was careful to avoid any hint of that after the loss of hope with Steve Back.
Okay going off track there. Marriage was part of this but the bigger thing to me was my sex and how frozen I was. I hate the word frigid with all the male judgement contained in that term. To me I was frozen and I didn't understand why. I loved orgasm but could only know that through masturbation and that is always a lonely thing. Took years and years of experimenting to finally be free and the last distance I traveled with Steve because of his loving, non-judgmental, non-perverted sex. He is without question the kindest, nicest man I have ever known and I felt safe with him safe to be who I am with no need to explain and I learned to love him and trust him and I am so married to him now in this last part of the run-life.
In the end the power of my sex spooked steve and that hurt and I just had to shrug-there it is Clymela oh Queen of Hades (Moon conjunct Pluto by less than a degree) there is always and will be something there that frightens and repels others and that is something that I have made my peace with although that peace has come at great expence.
My sister has been close to death due to serious pneumonia which went undiagnosed and which came to light on the flight from SFO to Denver: Frontier attendents thought that she was too ill to continue and transferred her to kaiser hospital in Denver which by the way is our mother's hospital St Joseph where she was diagnosed and moved to ICU for intravenous anti-biotics. This is terrifying and explains why my sister was dreaming of our parents and missing them. I am so sad that this is how things went down. I kept talking about her cough and she kept saying that she always coughs like this with her allergies. I thought that she had whooping cough when actually this was her strong physical being fighting back against the illness that had become pneumonia.
Well to this issue I must say that her son and family blame me and are horrified although I have arrange to get to Denver and bring her home-Josie willing to lend the money for a few days and get both of us home but Randy wants to go get her and bring back to Tennessee and then have me come out. I don't want to come out there. I don't like christians even though I was raised that way-Randy doesn't listen to me and is so wrapped up in his Jesus light that nothing I say is accepted. I am reminded of why I rejected my brother,Bill for just that same rejection of my thoughts and words and use then using his Jesus thoughts to brutalize us because he was rejected at birth because he was conceived outside of marriage-that being of course what happened with folk all caught up in their Jesus talking. Oh this brings the tears remembering Bill bringing his new young family with their music and talent to give Mama a nice funeral but really it was a platform for Bill to announce his blood relationship and to shame Mama in her casket. One of Mamas work friends stood up and said well I don't care Dorothy Box was a hard-working good woman after Bill announced to the congregation that HE was her First Born and that HE had come to offer them salvation.
This is what I loathe in the Christians and why I turned to Thomas Merton and the progressive RC's-I wanted to share the Good News that we are, all of us, all of Creation, the children of the One G-d. We are the inheritors of the Kingdom. Oh!! YES!! I am christian to my core but I am not a Christian. I feel like weeping when someone says 'have you been saved? Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus?' I find the entire idea repulsive and very profoundly irritating. I means as if the Creator or the beautiful savior would be so small so human that I would have to kneel before someone who has not yet descended to Hell to rescue her own sister/her own vital pulsing sex/heart and plead for Jesus to save me. I am saved by my own body, my own blood,my own sweat and by my faith in life that flows through me and will until that last breath and I trust that the Love that gave me life will accept me back and whatever that is will go on eternally and I don't have to know, indeed could not know what is the Whole. I do accept at this point that when I say Love I am referring to What contains the highest brightest understanding and the darkest,warmest, ooziest knowing acceptance and I know even as I am one of the broader Knowers still I am a speck in the known Creation (Universe we call It now).
So as I was saying in regards my sister the Christians now have something on me and I erase all their repugnance over my sister's incontinence and confusion. No one there remembers that I am the one and Steve let me not grab all the honor,are the ones here 24/7 who cannot even go to the grocery store without letting her know and making sure that she does realize that we will be back in an hour or two, that we are the ones to get her outside or out to go shopping although this summer we have had no left-over money and even had our cable disconnected for a while. We are the ones who make sure that she has a home and is not institutionalized even though ']
Well the morning is on and the mood has passed so more tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
8/18/2010
Thinking so much about getting Buffy on the plane today that I posted 8/18/2010 yesterday 8/17/2010-oh well!!
I was so sad this morning that after never hearing from Julie again after her visit here that I finally called her at her home in Hawaii and there she was. I had forgotten how brutally cruel she is when people do not fill her needs. she just dropped me saying that we were 'good without any thought of me and how I might not be good. I was in tears and now I remember and know that I will never be more than a way for her to pass some time and when i don't she will drop me without a thought.
I have spent a lot of time in our friendship thinking about her life and how hard it has been and the poetry of being born with the siver spoon but then having to endure the loss through death of her greatest loves and eventually even her fortune. What made me weep this morning was realizing that she would never waste her time thinking about my life. That hurt and I just wish that I could drop her but I would really like to take my sister there for a week or so. Buffy has never been to Hawaii. Perhaps one of the package trips would be better although I would so prefer for Buffy to experience Hawaii away from the hotels and creepy banked ocean water of the packages. I would love for her to see Hawaii from Julie's place and the ocean in its nature not in the protected ocean that one finds in Honolulu. I guess I have time to decide what to do.
I must say that the words of this election are actually shocking to me. There is an argument going on because of an Islamic social center being built a few blocks from ground zero of 9/11. People are saying that the Muslims should not develop the center there, that the Muslims will train terrorists there,etc. I am horrified by this plus the hatred of Mexicans in Arizona expressed as hatred of illegal immigration and that this entire thing is spreading around the country ( Arizona passed a law saying that police,etc are free to demand proof that anyone they stop is a citizen or here legally as an immigrant, student,etc. Arizona cries that the people from Mexico are killing folk in the fields leaving their severed heads on the land (this is directly from their governor). what we do know is that the morgue is overwhelmed by the bodies from the deserts of folk who tried to get in without papers and without the thousands, tens of thousands the coyotes demand to smuggle them in. At any rate I am so shocked by the hatred in words from Gingrich on down.
Oh more later: our vacation is now for the next week.
I was so sad this morning that after never hearing from Julie again after her visit here that I finally called her at her home in Hawaii and there she was. I had forgotten how brutally cruel she is when people do not fill her needs. she just dropped me saying that we were 'good without any thought of me and how I might not be good. I was in tears and now I remember and know that I will never be more than a way for her to pass some time and when i don't she will drop me without a thought.
I have spent a lot of time in our friendship thinking about her life and how hard it has been and the poetry of being born with the siver spoon but then having to endure the loss through death of her greatest loves and eventually even her fortune. What made me weep this morning was realizing that she would never waste her time thinking about my life. That hurt and I just wish that I could drop her but I would really like to take my sister there for a week or so. Buffy has never been to Hawaii. Perhaps one of the package trips would be better although I would so prefer for Buffy to experience Hawaii away from the hotels and creepy banked ocean water of the packages. I would love for her to see Hawaii from Julie's place and the ocean in its nature not in the protected ocean that one finds in Honolulu. I guess I have time to decide what to do.
I must say that the words of this election are actually shocking to me. There is an argument going on because of an Islamic social center being built a few blocks from ground zero of 9/11. People are saying that the Muslims should not develop the center there, that the Muslims will train terrorists there,etc. I am horrified by this plus the hatred of Mexicans in Arizona expressed as hatred of illegal immigration and that this entire thing is spreading around the country ( Arizona passed a law saying that police,etc are free to demand proof that anyone they stop is a citizen or here legally as an immigrant, student,etc. Arizona cries that the people from Mexico are killing folk in the fields leaving their severed heads on the land (this is directly from their governor). what we do know is that the morgue is overwhelmed by the bodies from the deserts of folk who tried to get in without papers and without the thousands, tens of thousands the coyotes demand to smuggle them in. At any rate I am so shocked by the hatred in words from Gingrich on down.
Oh more later: our vacation is now for the next week.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
8/18/2010
Back at last!! Wheww that took so much money and we are now so broke that I can not even get to Kaiser for my warfarin testing until Monday 8/23/2010 but it is worth it although I did enjoy the local Starbucks where we went daily to check our e-mails for the price of a coffee and/or iced tea. the Starbucks at the El Cerrito Plaza is so friendly and open full of folk who work in the area and are full of energy.
Copying something I wrote for Starlight but dicided not to publish beause it is really a cry of shock and grief condemning someone I respected formerly but no longer. This is of course from the current brough haha regarding the Muslim center being built m the area of the Trade Towers that were brought down at the beginning of the Bush reign used to convince folk of the necessity of invading Iran and Afghanistan.
Will-I am a little out of time and step here but reading up to get up-to-date I am left wondering if someone has taken up residence in your skin. Left-leaning centrist condemning lefties? Blaming Muslims for the bigotry coming out in the past few days even though the project has been going forward for quite sometime? Accusing the President of having a death wish because he is willing to stand up and lead rather than performing as a trained rat as Reid is doing?
I find the open hatred and bigotry directed toward Islam and Muslims to be frightening and I feel shock and grief over the level of intolerance expressed. And I feel shock and grief with you.
The hatred of Muslims being spread around is sickening-people talk as if all Muslims are the followers of Al-Queda or Osama Ben Laden living for death and the promise of heaven if only they will blow themselves up and kill Westerners. I even understand with sympathy the hatred and grief that lead people to sign up-America is not the good folk we like to think that we are.
I am weary. We are sending my sister tp see her son and grand daughters and she has to leave very early in th emorning and w have also been getting our cable back on and cleaning the house so that Comcast will not feel judgemental-old country girl that I am. I am hoping to be back tomorrow.
Copying something I wrote for Starlight but dicided not to publish beause it is really a cry of shock and grief condemning someone I respected formerly but no longer. This is of course from the current brough haha regarding the Muslim center being built m the area of the Trade Towers that were brought down at the beginning of the Bush reign used to convince folk of the necessity of invading Iran and Afghanistan.
Will-I am a little out of time and step here but reading up to get up-to-date I am left wondering if someone has taken up residence in your skin. Left-leaning centrist condemning lefties? Blaming Muslims for the bigotry coming out in the past few days even though the project has been going forward for quite sometime? Accusing the President of having a death wish because he is willing to stand up and lead rather than performing as a trained rat as Reid is doing?
I find the open hatred and bigotry directed toward Islam and Muslims to be frightening and I feel shock and grief over the level of intolerance expressed. And I feel shock and grief with you.
The hatred of Muslims being spread around is sickening-people talk as if all Muslims are the followers of Al-Queda or Osama Ben Laden living for death and the promise of heaven if only they will blow themselves up and kill Westerners. I even understand with sympathy the hatred and grief that lead people to sign up-America is not the good folk we like to think that we are.
I am weary. We are sending my sister tp see her son and grand daughters and she has to leave very early in th emorning and w have also been getting our cable back on and cleaning the house so that Comcast will not feel judgemental-old country girl that I am. I am hoping to be back tomorrow.
Monday, August 9, 2010
8/9/2010
In Starbucks again-still no comcast but Starbucks allows free internet for the cost of an ice tea or coffee beautiful and they have made a fan out of me. I was opposed to Starbucks but I have changed my mind now and no longer support the snooty North Berkeley attitude of Peet's. This Starbucks is absolutely hopping all day long and I love being a part of people's everyday life here and I don't care if I don't belong to the Vine St mentality. Just this morning Steve and I walked past young civil engineers doing their early morning measurements and when I said good morning to them they pretended not to hear me although no one else has that problem with me. I chuckled as we passed and siad to Steve "they don't think that we are college graduates and therefore they feel no need to recognize my greeting." Steve said that he has encountered that all of his life although he is now in one of the most prestigious graduate schools in the country. I wenr on to talk about how both of us have had such experience as outliers that we often stumble on that in our own relationship.
More later have to go pee and pack up to let others share in Starbucks generosity and we will spend the last of our cash to get good cat food and then try to scratch up more cash to survive on.
More later have to go pee and pack up to let others share in Starbucks generosity and we will spend the last of our cash to get good cat food and then try to scratch up more cash to survive on.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
08/05/2010
Coming up on Joyce's, Lisa's,Julie's birthdays: all the lovely women estranged and dead but recently had a wonderful time with Julie didn't even try to hide the level of poverty. And she didn't even try either: she has lost money not that she wanted to talk about this but there it is and admitted that when she went to acquire her Bachelors in Social Work it was more for the steady income since there is not a big call out there for 62 year old Social Workers who have not been working recently-we giggled over that. She says that she is still paying those debts off but that it was worth it.
TRANSFERRING A PIECE WROTE FOR STARLIGHT BUT I DON'T WANT TO POST THERE:
For what it's worth I got that Bill Herbst's article is an active imagination on Pluto in Capricorn. I had very similar images come up and then realized that I was imagining the Pluto transit without any of the other factors.
I do notice that people are gardening and we are interested in doing things for ourselves but no one is going to get this pure,straight up, no chaser. There will be some real changes for the Big Boys (men and women)and they may feel as though it is the end of the world but life will go on. LIke others are saying: pay attention to that pesky,ornery Uranus coming up with new ways to experience life.
I was thinking yesterday that the sickness I experienced in 4/2010 that kept me in bed for over a month and also with shingles was the shift of consciousness so often referred to here in these circles!! Don't know but I do know that my life is shifting and for the better ( says she who sits in Starbuck's using their free internet for the cost of a latte-have to pay Comcast without the funds to do so-well manifestation is a slowly acquired skill here)
TRANSFERRING A PIECE WROTE FOR STARLIGHT BUT I DON'T WANT TO POST THERE:
For what it's worth I got that Bill Herbst's article is an active imagination on Pluto in Capricorn. I had very similar images come up and then realized that I was imagining the Pluto transit without any of the other factors.
I do notice that people are gardening and we are interested in doing things for ourselves but no one is going to get this pure,straight up, no chaser. There will be some real changes for the Big Boys (men and women)and they may feel as though it is the end of the world but life will go on. LIke others are saying: pay attention to that pesky,ornery Uranus coming up with new ways to experience life.
I was thinking yesterday that the sickness I experienced in 4/2010 that kept me in bed for over a month and also with shingles was the shift of consciousness so often referred to here in these circles!! Don't know but I do know that my life is shifting and for the better ( says she who sits in Starbuck's using their free internet for the cost of a latte-have to pay Comcast without the funds to do so-well manifestation is a slowly acquired skill here)
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