6/25/2010

Still feeling like I have been shocked by writing here and so I no longer desire to come here. this from the disaster with B and then there was screaming from an ex-friend. the entire week made me dizzy can't really believe how upside down the week was.

Last night Sue G called but I was already falling asleep and she was worried about B and I of course did not feel like saying "well, B and I no longer speak"so I was withdrawn and probably evasive.

Josie is moving out here soon. She is worried about living in a one bedroom apartment-I can see that with Saturn in Libra in her fourth house. Saturn is not there yet still in the last degrees of Virgo.

Personal and subjective: oh well!! it isn't as if the "world" is waiting in anticipation of my latest edition and I am not Jane Austin writing stories to entertain my family and friends. I write because I learned to keep journal in my 20's and writing on the computer is easier and I get more slack from family if I am at the computer than if I am writing by hand in a physical journal.

Okay here goes: this morning I saw the cover of a Bon Appetit with a photo of a dish of fat fettuccine noodles and that set something off in my brain/body. I craved the sin in eating huge servings of this kind of food. Something started draining in my gut something smooth and spicy started running and I was so hungry and I remembered when that smooth/spicy goop never ran in me because I ate only the foods that keep me from experiencing that run of goop-I ate basically protein and vegetables both cooked and raw vegetables and I ate whole fruit when I could afford it. I often made protein drinks although they never really made me happy-the mixture was too rich for my system. I did drink some fruit juice which I got away with due to my youth I think. I do remember that when I was overpowered by the munchies I would eat peanut butter on bread or with apples and that was my candy and I loved it but it didn't leave me drunk and in disarray the way real candy and pie and cake would-I simply eschewed that type of white sugar/white flour concoctions I simply eschewed them.

The change was put into effect when I started working in the Social Services office where I would earn my living for over 30 years.

I remember walking through the office and looking at the unkempt, hugely obese women and thinking " I would never let that happen to me." I weighed between 115 and 120 pounds. Tragically for me I became one of those women- I was part of the troupe who got those checks out and made sure that eligibility was proven and then later learned to document referrals for work and medical exams and ;referrals for medical care and issues of work clothes,etc. Yep!! there I was working at the PFC class all my life there. Really couldn't ever promote to higher levels, not suited for group overseer always wanted to give the max to everyone who was eligible on paper, was unsuited to gossiping which is so important if one wants to "promote" anywhere. Gossip like some have come out about is so important because It unifies the teller with the hearers and secondly it tells something about those "talked about". I could not do this 1) because I had so much I felt guilty about and 2)I had trained to live on a Jungian level something that demanded security of confided information. I was shocked by the stories I would hear and I am sure I seemed like a set blanket. Well at any rate therer were many reasons that I was not popular and I didn't know how to study for tests so that I never got good at them until the end of my years there.

Well that was really a detour what I want to discuss is the food and how to eat now to release weight and live with energy and a positive outlook. Being trapped in the office with those I didn't like nor identify with caused me to get hungry deeply hungry from the chemicals created in my body by unhappiness. I simply couldn't get my normal food to work for me ( ooh!! I just remember Vicki (can no longer recall her name but she went far in the County) looking with disdain when I offered her some of my lunch: deviled eggs, raw green beans,apples and peanut butter. Perfectly wonderful lunch but Vicki barely covered her shock. Stream of consciousness here: well I started in not too long a time to eat out at restaurants that had previously been so rare that I never restricted myself from eating my fill but now eating out weekly this became an issue AND then I also started eating the cakes and ice cream and doughnuts and cookies and chips and almost daily cheap Chinese/cheap Mexican lunches and I was trapped with people I did not like and with rules I disdained and I was set up to end up depressed and 100 pounds overweight and diabetic.

This week I have "decided" that this is the third round of a three round life. Jungian to the core I recognize youth,householder and then aged as the three parts of the life. This is the beginning of my third. I want to write and I want to recover from the health damages of working for 30+ years in an office (ooh! does not play well with others). I want to figure out how to end the tendency to run and hide when confronted.

I can't believe that I am already well into the 60's really unbelievable and the years of sloppy living have taken a toll to slip once again into
Anyway back to this feeling of goop starting to flow that I was conscious of this morning with an empty stomach looking at a Gourmet cover with fettuccine and feeling the insides of a binge on pasta.

I remember my consciousness of binging one Saturday when somehow I ended up alone in the house at Harwood St-everyone was out and there I was and I panicked i never knew what cause the panic but I remembered along ago method of feeding panic and I cooked some macaroni and ate it with ketchup and then I went and threw it up by sticking my fingers down my throat. I was stunned to have this low bottom behavior return and I was so ashamed and so frightened because I had protected myself from this or so I thought. I am not sure what this is about now but I want to go back to the goop and how it circles my insides like a monster serpent and when it starts to move I am totally smothered and choked. The point is to recognize this and to find the ways to keep this serpent asleep which is the best I can do. I have never been able to kill the serpent or to drive it out just keep it sleeping-maybe that is the point of telling the story of when the serpent just took over when I thought that I was beyond all that.

12 Steps for me I think OA should have been my original 12 Steps but I just couldn't stomach it and I still am not so sure. I know that there is so much unlived life floating around those rooms and I have been horrified by the things revealed to me from before and maybe I miss the lovely Julie.

At any rate it is the free floating serpent that has ruined my life and now how to get him back in the cave until a Holy One comes along to rid me of the possession. I am not exaggerating here-I have identified the evil roaming freely through my body leading me to make all manner of irrational and destructive choices.

I know that I can begin by cleaning up my diet. That will get the serpent sleepy but requires vigilance on my part. I don't know if I can bear OA again-seems to me that there is never hope of finding someone like myself who is willing to help and to listen. One of my former OA sponserees works at the Safeway where Steve and I shop and she said that I was the best the best because I listened and responded to her not anything else. SXhe no longer goes and is now thin so I imagine she got to where she wanted to be. We talk cats now-she has six and Steve and I have five.

Well I didn't get to where I want to be and I am ill with diabetes and irregular heart beat all of which will improve if I get my food under control, my eating under control. I admit now that eating in a certain way such as eating a lot of processed foods causes a physical reaction that becomes a spiritual reaction and then an emotional reaction and if I maintain that process long enough and by this I don't men a just watching the foods I eat but also being aware of when I feel hurt or threatened which can set the serpent moving as well.