OOHH!! I am not in a good place today: the ankles are swollen although not as much as over the weekend and all my joints seem to be swollen. My morning blood sugar was 105-the lowest reading since the diabetes began; for some reason I could never get below 120. I think that it is lower now because I am slowly losing weight. I am once again turning to "a plant-based diet" as Clinton announced when he showed up so thin. I am not utterly vegan but i am repeatedly sickened by the thought of cows and pigs raised as food slaves and tortured unto death-really! I am sickened when I walk past the meat counters and I am encouraged when I go to the Farmer's market or the Berkeley Bowland realize that I am free to eat what I really love and what my body REALLY likes to eat. I love the vegetables, the fruit, the grain and these items do not give me a stomach ache as dairy does nor heartburn as the animal flesh and grease does. Oh how I love a bean tostada or a bean burrito, how I love these days the spinach,cranberry,pecan,sour cheese salad with balsamic vinegar dressing. I/my body react beautifully to the plant-based diet without the stomach ache and gas and heartburn and with the entire cow thing out of the way I am free of the compulsive hunger that drove me to weigh in at over 200 pounds at one point.
I am drawn back toward the Church even though I no longer believe literally in the story. I love the ritual, the seasons and the culture and I miss going to Mass and I miss sharing this with Steve. I still read the st Theresa of Lisiejkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkm ( cat writing)-St Theresa of Lisieux
ux daily readings and meditations based on the seasons of the Church. the struggle with reducing my vicodin use has really interfered with the development of the insights about the importance of the little daily acts of love and mercy.
I don't use a huge amount of Vicodin but i use it everyday in order to feel free of the aches and pains of arthritis and aging. My current doctor believes that the amount that I use is very high still although I no longer use the 10mg 4x daily. I am slowly very slowly weaning off although every time I have flare up of flu/arthritis aches beyond normal i do go back to that high level-I got into this when I turned A-fib and can not use ibuprofen or aspirin or the other anti-inflammatory pain relievers because I am on warfarin and can not risk hemorrhage by adding more non-clotting factors AND I had to go through three surgeries for the carpel tunnel condition. Two years of daily vicodin left me with a habit that I was at first unwilling to acknowledge and which now I "struggle" with. I felt so guilty when I first accepted that I was in a problem but that is changing now-this is physical and emotional but i can and will come out of this although the 12 Step path is not really available since this pain reliever is the only thing available to me-I am teaching myself to live without regular pain relief while also accepting that I will need the Vicodin often. I actually don't know if this will work.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
First I wanted to write about greed and seeing how greed is what blocks us from having enough. We always have enough but the belief that we need more is what drives us to consume as we reach always for perfection and the perfect expression of "more".
then I wanted to write about my swollen ankles something that I have never had. Terrifying swelling to me the look of the "elephant legs" that I would see on clients as I made IHSS home visits in the early 2000's that I later learned was a symnptom of heart failure and the doctors said that my A-fib could hide a blood clot and that perhaps I had the beginning of heart failure. heart failure? Could this have come on due to the Vicodin use? Always the guilt!! Fear of dying, my mortality!! Too young to have heart problems
And then.... I thought of my father and looked at his chart although I don't know bout the time of birth so I used 10AM based on his saying that he was born in the morning. what a beautiful chart and I could plainly see our area of entanglement which revealed to me his sadistic streak although he was too highly evolved to be really cruel. His Venus at 5+ Pisces and Mars at 14+ Virgo= His T-square become my experience of my father. I feared him and hated him although I was proud of his handsomeness and strength and talent to sing and swim. I in the end resolved the issues by getting pregnant at 15 (not so weird really since I began bleeding at age 9 years. Nevertheless I had a boyfriend from a more stable,successful family although of course low middle-class as well. I so wished that i could have known all of this before his death but ALAS!! I am only now understanding.
My father was a true introvert who loved animals and children and to loved to work. He was so skilled and had so much to share but as Roy Kenoier said "he was crazy".
My father was a good man. There was never any hint of sexual impropriety, there was absolutely no abuse of any kind accept of course for his temper which our mother could handle. He drank too much once and got drunk and made a fool of himself and my mother took the keys and threatened him with abandonment and that was the end of that-I never saw him drunk again. He was very clean and took great pride in his appearance his morning grooming ritual was part of our life.
then I wanted to write about my swollen ankles something that I have never had. Terrifying swelling to me the look of the "elephant legs" that I would see on clients as I made IHSS home visits in the early 2000's that I later learned was a symnptom of heart failure and the doctors said that my A-fib could hide a blood clot and that perhaps I had the beginning of heart failure. heart failure? Could this have come on due to the Vicodin use? Always the guilt!! Fear of dying, my mortality!! Too young to have heart problems
And then.... I thought of my father and looked at his chart although I don't know bout the time of birth so I used 10AM based on his saying that he was born in the morning. what a beautiful chart and I could plainly see our area of entanglement which revealed to me his sadistic streak although he was too highly evolved to be really cruel. His Venus at 5+ Pisces and Mars at 14+ Virgo= His T-square become my experience of my father. I feared him and hated him although I was proud of his handsomeness and strength and talent to sing and swim. I in the end resolved the issues by getting pregnant at 15 (not so weird really since I began bleeding at age 9 years. Nevertheless I had a boyfriend from a more stable,successful family although of course low middle-class as well. I so wished that i could have known all of this before his death but ALAS!! I am only now understanding.
My father was a true introvert who loved animals and children and to loved to work. He was so skilled and had so much to share but as Roy Kenoier said "he was crazy".
My father was a good man. There was never any hint of sexual impropriety, there was absolutely no abuse of any kind accept of course for his temper which our mother could handle. He drank too much once and got drunk and made a fool of himself and my mother took the keys and threatened him with abandonment and that was the end of that-I never saw him drunk again. He was very clean and took great pride in his appearance his morning grooming ritual was part of our life.
11/28/2010
I am interested in turning to a plant-based diet. Some call this vegan but I was tempted when I say the very thin Bill Clinton say that after his last heart crisis he has turned to a plant-based diet and lost 27 pounds and feels better than ever. Clinton has always been the pudgy,gorgeous guy of my own gene pool-he could be a cousin,etc.
I know that the meat and animal fat and the processed foods are what has made me fat and ill. and then I have the added strain of using the pain pills habitually because i cannot use the old reliable pain relievers such as Motrin,etc. the "A-fib" has led to using warfarin to prevent blood clots and the feared strokes and heart attacks and after the months of using the pain relievers for the hand surgeries guess what I now use the pills all day long for arthritis and pulled muscles,etc.and I have issues now and must deal with these "issues"
Here is a soup recipe using Lapsang Souchong tea for flavor/body
Easy Black Bean Soup
From The Cat-Tea Corner™ Recipe Collection (great site to visit if you are Vegan, love cats and/or love tea).
1 onion, chopped
oil for sautéeing
2 garlic cloves, scored
1 cup water
1 can 15oz / 425gm black beans, not drained
1 can 14oz / 397gm diced tomatoes, not drained (plain or seasoned)
1/3 cup white rice (optionally basmati)
salt and ground cayenne pepper to taste
2 cups strong prepared Lapsang Souchong tea (use twice as much tea leaf as usual)
Sauté the onion in the oil in a 2 quart/ 1 litre pot. When it's soft and slightly browned, drop in the garlic and sauté about a minute longer. Pour in the water, beans with liquid, tomatoes with liquid, and the rice. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat and cover. Let it simmer for about 1/2 hour, until the rice is nice and soft. (While it's cooking, make and eat some salad; try lettuce, roasted red peppers, and olives.) Once the soup is finished cooking, season it with salt and cayenne. Stir in the tea. Then pour the soup into a blender -- including the garlic cloves -- and blend until pureed but you can still see flecks of black bean. (We had to do this in two batches to not overload the blender.) Dee-lish with some crusty bread. About 4 servings.
I love the idea of using the tea to flavor to give the soup a smokey flavor. I wouldn't need that since I have been eating beans,etc without bacon or ham for years now but I am looking forward to trying this recipe.
I have been haunted by the thought of how pigs and cows suffer in order to be my meant. Can't bear to walk by the section of the grocery store-I am especially troubled by the plight of pigs-don't know why except that I have read that pigs are actually brighter than we are,
At any rate I have been drawn to a vegetarian life for years and in fact was a semi-vegetarian in my 20's. the difference now though is that I am no longer drawn to meat and eat it only because meat is easy to purchase on sale and to freeze and also the kids love meat and want to see meat on the table. Still I often eat around the meat eating everything else offered and just avoiding the meat,gravy,etc.
Cooking without eggs, butter and milk will require training. First reading recipes then shopping then preparing.
OOHHOOHH interuptipn: I have Bill Maher on and he has Mike Huckabee on explaining why he doesn't want the Medical Covrage bill to go through. He mentions how the wonderful Pepsi company spent 65 million years ago removing the transfats from their products. There that it is: Republicans are hucksters for the monster corporations and he made it clear to me the corporate foundation of the "Tea Party".
I am hating on Obama these days: I do wonder along with the writer where I first encountered this thought: is Obama a Trojan Horse? Was he purchased to get the liberal vote and then turn right-wing on our asses? I just hate what he says and does. I read that he has done all this wonderful stuff that we would love if only we knew. Well!1 why don't we know?! Could it be that that line is coming from his PR workers and really nothing has been accomplished?? I don't know but he has lost those of us who really got him elected/
Sestac on HBO with Bill Meher. Michael Moore explaining the lie in Huckabee's praise of Pepsi: Pepsi removed transfats AFTER a government program proved how destructive trans-fats are.
I know that the meat and animal fat and the processed foods are what has made me fat and ill. and then I have the added strain of using the pain pills habitually because i cannot use the old reliable pain relievers such as Motrin,etc. the "A-fib" has led to using warfarin to prevent blood clots and the feared strokes and heart attacks and after the months of using the pain relievers for the hand surgeries guess what I now use the pills all day long for arthritis and pulled muscles,etc.and I have issues now and must deal with these "issues"
Here is a soup recipe using Lapsang Souchong tea for flavor/body
Easy Black Bean Soup
From The Cat-Tea Corner™ Recipe Collection (great site to visit if you are Vegan, love cats and/or love tea).
1 onion, chopped
oil for sautéeing
2 garlic cloves, scored
1 cup water
1 can 15oz / 425gm black beans, not drained
1 can 14oz / 397gm diced tomatoes, not drained (plain or seasoned)
1/3 cup white rice (optionally basmati)
salt and ground cayenne pepper to taste
2 cups strong prepared Lapsang Souchong tea (use twice as much tea leaf as usual)
Sauté the onion in the oil in a 2 quart/ 1 litre pot. When it's soft and slightly browned, drop in the garlic and sauté about a minute longer. Pour in the water, beans with liquid, tomatoes with liquid, and the rice. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat and cover. Let it simmer for about 1/2 hour, until the rice is nice and soft. (While it's cooking, make and eat some salad; try lettuce, roasted red peppers, and olives.) Once the soup is finished cooking, season it with salt and cayenne. Stir in the tea. Then pour the soup into a blender -- including the garlic cloves -- and blend until pureed but you can still see flecks of black bean. (We had to do this in two batches to not overload the blender.) Dee-lish with some crusty bread. About 4 servings.
I love the idea of using the tea to flavor to give the soup a smokey flavor. I wouldn't need that since I have been eating beans,etc without bacon or ham for years now but I am looking forward to trying this recipe.
I have been haunted by the thought of how pigs and cows suffer in order to be my meant. Can't bear to walk by the section of the grocery store-I am especially troubled by the plight of pigs-don't know why except that I have read that pigs are actually brighter than we are,
At any rate I have been drawn to a vegetarian life for years and in fact was a semi-vegetarian in my 20's. the difference now though is that I am no longer drawn to meat and eat it only because meat is easy to purchase on sale and to freeze and also the kids love meat and want to see meat on the table. Still I often eat around the meat eating everything else offered and just avoiding the meat,gravy,etc.
Cooking without eggs, butter and milk will require training. First reading recipes then shopping then preparing.
OOHHOOHH interuptipn: I have Bill Maher on and he has Mike Huckabee on explaining why he doesn't want the Medical Covrage bill to go through. He mentions how the wonderful Pepsi company spent 65 million years ago removing the transfats from their products. There that it is: Republicans are hucksters for the monster corporations and he made it clear to me the corporate foundation of the "Tea Party".
I am hating on Obama these days: I do wonder along with the writer where I first encountered this thought: is Obama a Trojan Horse? Was he purchased to get the liberal vote and then turn right-wing on our asses? I just hate what he says and does. I read that he has done all this wonderful stuff that we would love if only we knew. Well!1 why don't we know?! Could it be that that line is coming from his PR workers and really nothing has been accomplished?? I don't know but he has lost those of us who really got him elected/
Sestac on HBO with Bill Meher. Michael Moore explaining the lie in Huckabee's praise of Pepsi: Pepsi removed transfats AFTER a government program proved how destructive trans-fats are.
Friday, November 26, 2010
11/26/2010
Man’s work is to raise the dead to life, to bring brotherhood into expression on the physical plane, and to transmit divine energy to a waiting world of forms. ALICE BAILEY
This is a quote from Alice Baily and god I loved reading those words this morning. the rest of the passage is a little too strained or rather the analogy is strained but the first few words brought a tingle to my flesh
This is a quote from Alice Baily and god I loved reading those words this morning. the rest of the passage is a little too strained or rather the analogy is strained but the first few words brought a tingle to my flesh
Thursday, November 25, 2010
11/25/2010
Probably overworked yestereday but the kitchen looks appropriately Thanksgiving. Miss my sister who would be busy decorating the house so that Thanksgiving would reflect all over the house. Aimee, Arthur, Courtney will be here and Arvin arrived yesterday. There will be football and parades on TV and there will be cooking and we will eat all day. There will also be reminders of all the family/origins issues and the opportunity to release the past.
I said my morning prayer to Holy Queen: She is also present and healing and supporting in this home-the Blessing that I could never have asked for because the blessing came first and then I have grown in the direction, with the direction of Her.
Now : need cornbread, coconut cake, go get Aimee and Arthur, get giblets on to cooking in order to have turkey broth for dressing and gravy, cranberries into cranberry chutney,drain the fruits for the Heavenly Hash an outrage of fattening food that is my absolute favorite salad for Thanksgiving and Christmas-mandarin orange section, crushed pineapple,cherries,marshmallows and sour cream. YUP!! I am not kidding! This is from childhood and I have never tired of it. It was the expense of this on thanksgiving 1980 with George that revealed our greatest division. We were so broke and he was horrified that I spent over $10 getting the ingredients and I was of course simply delighted that I could manage to get the food together. The point for me is that I did not yet know how to make the salad properly but it symbolizes for me the lushness of abundance and overflow and it is the abundance that I love and seek out at this time of year.
I said my morning prayer to Holy Queen: She is also present and healing and supporting in this home-the Blessing that I could never have asked for because the blessing came first and then I have grown in the direction, with the direction of Her.
Now : need cornbread, coconut cake, go get Aimee and Arthur, get giblets on to cooking in order to have turkey broth for dressing and gravy, cranberries into cranberry chutney,drain the fruits for the Heavenly Hash an outrage of fattening food that is my absolute favorite salad for Thanksgiving and Christmas-mandarin orange section, crushed pineapple,cherries,marshmallows and sour cream. YUP!! I am not kidding! This is from childhood and I have never tired of it. It was the expense of this on thanksgiving 1980 with George that revealed our greatest division. We were so broke and he was horrified that I spent over $10 getting the ingredients and I was of course simply delighted that I could manage to get the food together. The point for me is that I did not yet know how to make the salad properly but it symbolizes for me the lushness of abundance and overflow and it is the abundance that I love and seek out at this time of year.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
11/24/2010
The day before Thanksgiving 2010. Pies to make,cakes to bake and many chores to prepare for tomorrow and I am grateful this year.
Last night I dreamed that i was once again with Roland in the ghetto grabbing sex on the sneak and dirty guilty sex and I didn't go to work even though I did continue to attempt to clean my house and go to work,etc. This was such a reminder of my life with him-guilt complexes around sex seeing it as nasty and hidden and vulgar and something only available at the lower rungs of society. A devastating time for me/ I feel so sloppy even a betrayer, a traitor against my class,my group but this is the only way I know how to fulfill my sex drive. I remember that I have a lover now who is not part of this life but still I allow the old life to seep in. I don't remember the details just that the dream takes place in Richmond, Denver and downtown Oakland when Capwells was still viable.
As I write I no longer recall all the details but there is an end and a resolution. I never got to work that day, never got the bath and change of clothes I needed,never really got the house cleaned up but I did wind up in command and in the end my dear friend Judy came in and asked if I wanted to get to a getaway island off the Carolinas. She was so tall and slender and her hair was straight and cut short and very close to her head.
This comes three days after I ran into Doc and Cheryl, Roland's brother and sister-in-law. Steve and I were doing Thanksgiving shopping and Cheryl and I met over the onion bin there at Safeway. I loved them all even though as the dream indicates there was so much shadow for me and my sex complex was totally in control and I destroyed much of my life although I did hold onto the job. Well I was deeply upset after-there are reasons that I pulled away and never returned and I didn't want those years integrated into the life I have now.
Roland has remarried and is happy!!! Living in San Francisco. I am sure his mother's answered prayers. This is beautiful and I am thankful for him and his life now.
At any rate Steve and I slept snuggled up last night something that we don't do now fifteen years in and I believe it was because of my closeness to him that I was able to have the dream and to benefit from the blessing and assurance of that dream.
I don't have to go back and I am capable of integrating my darkness into consciousness and therefore growing through all the chapters of life.
I have the past few weeks/months been reflecting on the experience of poor planning and poverty,etc that led to the failure of my plans to return to school in 1977 the time of the first Saturn return. I could not accept myself at that point and that led to Roland and those years
Maybe I will eventually write on all of those years and the loss and darkness and perhaps have something to offer for my time and space. Love to my Beloved Holy Mother of Tears!! If when she first showed up I could have turned to Her but alas I didn't yet know how not until all those years later when I went to St Joseph's did I encounter the type of spiritual instruction that I needed. I am grateful to be a Roman Catholic regardless of the unpopularity and the often, for me, offensive militaristic faith of some RC's. Abortion is the issue of the day and ultimately we should be able to support all life we are given but I still must stand with the young mother who must support herself and the children-if she cannot support a pregnancy I support her.
Last night I dreamed that i was once again with Roland in the ghetto grabbing sex on the sneak and dirty guilty sex and I didn't go to work even though I did continue to attempt to clean my house and go to work,etc. This was such a reminder of my life with him-guilt complexes around sex seeing it as nasty and hidden and vulgar and something only available at the lower rungs of society. A devastating time for me/ I feel so sloppy even a betrayer, a traitor against my class,my group but this is the only way I know how to fulfill my sex drive. I remember that I have a lover now who is not part of this life but still I allow the old life to seep in. I don't remember the details just that the dream takes place in Richmond, Denver and downtown Oakland when Capwells was still viable.
As I write I no longer recall all the details but there is an end and a resolution. I never got to work that day, never got the bath and change of clothes I needed,never really got the house cleaned up but I did wind up in command and in the end my dear friend Judy came in and asked if I wanted to get to a getaway island off the Carolinas. She was so tall and slender and her hair was straight and cut short and very close to her head.
This comes three days after I ran into Doc and Cheryl, Roland's brother and sister-in-law. Steve and I were doing Thanksgiving shopping and Cheryl and I met over the onion bin there at Safeway. I loved them all even though as the dream indicates there was so much shadow for me and my sex complex was totally in control and I destroyed much of my life although I did hold onto the job. Well I was deeply upset after-there are reasons that I pulled away and never returned and I didn't want those years integrated into the life I have now.
Roland has remarried and is happy!!! Living in San Francisco. I am sure his mother's answered prayers. This is beautiful and I am thankful for him and his life now.
At any rate Steve and I slept snuggled up last night something that we don't do now fifteen years in and I believe it was because of my closeness to him that I was able to have the dream and to benefit from the blessing and assurance of that dream.
I don't have to go back and I am capable of integrating my darkness into consciousness and therefore growing through all the chapters of life.
I have the past few weeks/months been reflecting on the experience of poor planning and poverty,etc that led to the failure of my plans to return to school in 1977 the time of the first Saturn return. I could not accept myself at that point and that led to Roland and those years
Maybe I will eventually write on all of those years and the loss and darkness and perhaps have something to offer for my time and space. Love to my Beloved Holy Mother of Tears!! If when she first showed up I could have turned to Her but alas I didn't yet know how not until all those years later when I went to St Joseph's did I encounter the type of spiritual instruction that I needed. I am grateful to be a Roman Catholic regardless of the unpopularity and the often, for me, offensive militaristic faith of some RC's. Abortion is the issue of the day and ultimately we should be able to support all life we are given but I still must stand with the young mother who must support herself and the children-if she cannot support a pregnancy I support her.
Friday, November 12, 2010
11/12/2010
So there is so much going on inside of me. Tonight out of the heavens comes this image of a fox and I know that I should look up fox/fox medicine. I am so surprised and then I see the book "Pioneer Women" about the European immigrants that may have contained some of the women in my maternal side. the book talks about the advertisments of the first corporate farms who advertised in Europe and the British Isles for cheap land in The US.
FOX: really that has only shown up in its shadow aspect-sneaking away with out paying debts and sneaking away form doing necessary chores,being sloppy and careless.
SOLITARY I think.
FOX: really that has only shown up in its shadow aspect-sneaking away with out paying debts and sneaking away form doing necessary chores,being sloppy and careless.
SOLITARY I think.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
11/10/2010
Today Courtney is twenty years old. She has friends over, they are loud or rather were but now they sound more relaxed. I don't like the men who came nor the energu and I really don't want them here and I will warn Courtney not to re-invite them. I love our home and family life and I am unwilling to have people who are rude or aggressive here in out tiny apartment.
I just want to lay around on the bed with the cats and read and listen to TV programs -rerun last nights programs-NCIS-NCIS LA-The Good Wife: I love Tuesday nights. Well I did watch all the shows and then I took a nap and I feel like sleeping more.
I was explaining to Steve that I need to walk with a little goal such as going to the store or going to eat or something like that. Steve really doesn't want to use the buggy anymore but I do. I may just start going by myself. I haven't walked at all since we got the JEEP and that is terrible and is starting to turn depressive and I also need the walking so that I sleep better at night. If I walk a couple of miles every day I can be much more relaxed about food.
Courtney is going back to Santa Cruz tonight with her friends. I think it is better if I don't know too much about her growing up. I just need to get across to her that she cannot continue to party all the time.
I just now got around to reading the daily scripture from Titus 3-and Luke 17 all about the healing power of god. Titus particularly moved me reminding us of how crude and obsessed we have been in our lives and really only are healed by the power of God in our lives through prayer. I know that before I had this turning I did pray for help to turn into a more loving, a more gentle spirit. I prayed for forgiveness as I saw that while I didn't get what i wanted or needed neither did my parents. I saw how hard life was for them pulling out of Kansas and starting again. They both had salable skills but they had no frineds and the people they had relied on betrayed them profoundly and then my sister and I turned up pregnant from taking care of ourselves the best we knew how. Tragedy tragedy-deep wounds and scars. Profound insecurity on my part. I wished that I could hold my parents and kiss them and tell them how much they are to me.
I just want to lay around on the bed with the cats and read and listen to TV programs -rerun last nights programs-NCIS-NCIS LA-The Good Wife: I love Tuesday nights. Well I did watch all the shows and then I took a nap and I feel like sleeping more.
I was explaining to Steve that I need to walk with a little goal such as going to the store or going to eat or something like that. Steve really doesn't want to use the buggy anymore but I do. I may just start going by myself. I haven't walked at all since we got the JEEP and that is terrible and is starting to turn depressive and I also need the walking so that I sleep better at night. If I walk a couple of miles every day I can be much more relaxed about food.
Courtney is going back to Santa Cruz tonight with her friends. I think it is better if I don't know too much about her growing up. I just need to get across to her that she cannot continue to party all the time.
I just now got around to reading the daily scripture from Titus 3-and Luke 17 all about the healing power of god. Titus particularly moved me reminding us of how crude and obsessed we have been in our lives and really only are healed by the power of God in our lives through prayer. I know that before I had this turning I did pray for help to turn into a more loving, a more gentle spirit. I prayed for forgiveness as I saw that while I didn't get what i wanted or needed neither did my parents. I saw how hard life was for them pulling out of Kansas and starting again. They both had salable skills but they had no frineds and the people they had relied on betrayed them profoundly and then my sister and I turned up pregnant from taking care of ourselves the best we knew how. Tragedy tragedy-deep wounds and scars. Profound insecurity on my part. I wished that I could hold my parents and kiss them and tell them how much they are to me.
11/10/2010
Copying something I wrote in Huffington Post in regards to "homone therapy" that a doctor is recommending in today's HP.
One wonders why we need to medicate against aging. And one does wonder why we need to torture horses with a life much worse than any imagined Hell in order to keep us from aging. I use medicines from the big pharm companies and I am grateful but I don't see why menopause is so frightening. Perhaps because we can no longer be sex objects, because women have no point except for the lust we can inspire in men's hearts? I love being post-menopausal and yes I do have some of the age related medical problems that I would never trade for the uproar and chaos of my reproductive years,.
This is very truthful even though I do miss the sexuality. last week I orgasmed in a dream-the first one in ages because I require so long to become excited unlike the years of reproductive energy. I always thought that boys and men were the only ones to get "horny" but now I can understand that I was almost all the time when in those years but the conflict between my US protestant upbringing and my body caused such chaos and uproar that I never felt horny just deeply frightened. It was not until Steve at the end of those years that I finally felt safe enough to really enjoy my sex and my body. the sweetest reward for simply hanging in long enough to get to the top as it were. All the ideas about sex are ridiculous what is really important is to have the confidence in ourselves and for me that took years and years-look at my chart.
One wonders why we need to medicate against aging. And one does wonder why we need to torture horses with a life much worse than any imagined Hell in order to keep us from aging. I use medicines from the big pharm companies and I am grateful but I don't see why menopause is so frightening. Perhaps because we can no longer be sex objects, because women have no point except for the lust we can inspire in men's hearts? I love being post-menopausal and yes I do have some of the age related medical problems that I would never trade for the uproar and chaos of my reproductive years,.
This is very truthful even though I do miss the sexuality. last week I orgasmed in a dream-the first one in ages because I require so long to become excited unlike the years of reproductive energy. I always thought that boys and men were the only ones to get "horny" but now I can understand that I was almost all the time when in those years but the conflict between my US protestant upbringing and my body caused such chaos and uproar that I never felt horny just deeply frightened. It was not until Steve at the end of those years that I finally felt safe enough to really enjoy my sex and my body. the sweetest reward for simply hanging in long enough to get to the top as it were. All the ideas about sex are ridiculous what is really important is to have the confidence in ourselves and for me that took years and years-look at my chart.
Monday, November 8, 2010
11/8/2010
I saw a look in the face of a blue fin tuna who was being murdered that reminded me of our kittens who are now fourteen months old. They have made me so much more aware of life and consequently I am so much more unwilling to add to the suffering of the world. This is not just a Christian concept but has come from all over the world. I have always believed that animals have souls never considered otherwise no matter what the "grown-ups" thought-I knew.
Somehow we don't need to kill each other but we also don't need to keep twisting the laws of nature to force nature into producing more life than we need or can support.
Strange right now on the TV is a piece on the marauding monkeys of Delhi where our President is visiting. Our president in India talking about how outsourcing is good for India and the US. Well he is making very clear who has hired him-the Globalists.
Somehow we don't need to kill each other but we also don't need to keep twisting the laws of nature to force nature into producing more life than we need or can support.
Strange right now on the TV is a piece on the marauding monkeys of Delhi where our President is visiting. Our president in India talking about how outsourcing is good for India and the US. Well he is making very clear who has hired him-the Globalists.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
11/06/2010-evening
Last energy getting ready to climb in the bed after removing the sweat pants so that i won't sweat. Strange day and Steve and I are hear alone. I am enjoying kowing that we are responsible for anything that needs cleaning or repalcing!! How ownderful to have no need to assign blame.
Watching Kung Fu Panda and enjoying the break.
Watching Kung Fu Panda and enjoying the break.
11/06/2010 Return to St Joseph's
So I have been thinking so much of Fr.George and Sr. Evelyn and believing them lost to me with the change of the parish after the loss of Fr.? who had a heart condition and who died not too long after serving the prison time for standing on government property at the School of the Assassins (Schoool of the Americas) I was angry with St Evelyn for chastising me and shunning me and then blaming me saying that I was too pushy and yes I see from her view that I was so loud and demanding when from my view I was just pushing through my insecurity and feelings of inferiority. I was so excited to realize that God loved me and that God loved me through Mary, The Mother of God. I was so excited and thrilled and relieved. I didn't feel very lovable after what I had been through- the darkness and destruction and violation and betrayal that not only had I experienced but I had been the author of this darkness in the life of my children and people whom I loved and I felt violated by my parents and yet I was the one who violated them and took my place by Wayne rather than chasing him away-yew!! I was unable to be my own father at that time and I got royally whupped. there was enough parenting in my childhood that I was able to straighten out once I got through the first Saturn return but WOW there was so much rage and outrage in me. I was a real outlaw girl-weak and unreliable and there I was mother and wife and trouble for the families that I married into. I learned. I found a government job and stuck it out. I was always too unstable to get promoted above the EW work-definitely do not work well with others but I was known as a work horse with absences and I often loved my job.
At any rate I have been wanting to reach out to Sr Evelyn and looking up St Joseph the Worker I discovered that I could return. I am ready to live in the Church as long as I need to rest. Hopefully I will be of service to others while I am there "resting".
I don't care anymore about the "Truth" not in the way I did when I was young. I love taking part in the Catholic tradition and learning that history and faith and I KNOW that always the final word is between God and the Holy Spirit within- the New Creation.
So I am willing to let myself be guided, well, I am willing if I can "see" in time when a learning moment has arrived. With me I am so often learning a lesson years later because I am energetic, nervous and headstrong.
I wish that I could link up with civil rights workers in the Catholic tradition. Liberation Theology-finding shelter and food and learning for those who for what ever reason ended up behind the door when the goodies were distributed. MC/IC in my chart all about the need to scratch up survival goods and do this as a career,a way of expressing myself in the world-I always was in love with Christian poverty. Jesus loved the lowlifes and so have i although I hated trying to live there had to get out and talk about my own interests and talk to my loved ones in my way and live by my own rules.
At any rate I have been wanting to reach out to Sr Evelyn and looking up St Joseph the Worker I discovered that I could return. I am ready to live in the Church as long as I need to rest. Hopefully I will be of service to others while I am there "resting".
I don't care anymore about the "Truth" not in the way I did when I was young. I love taking part in the Catholic tradition and learning that history and faith and I KNOW that always the final word is between God and the Holy Spirit within- the New Creation.
So I am willing to let myself be guided, well, I am willing if I can "see" in time when a learning moment has arrived. With me I am so often learning a lesson years later because I am energetic, nervous and headstrong.
I wish that I could link up with civil rights workers in the Catholic tradition. Liberation Theology-finding shelter and food and learning for those who for what ever reason ended up behind the door when the goodies were distributed. MC/IC in my chart all about the need to scratch up survival goods and do this as a career,a way of expressing myself in the world-I always was in love with Christian poverty. Jesus loved the lowlifes and so have i although I hated trying to live there had to get out and talk about my own interests and talk to my loved ones in my way and live by my own rules.
11/06/2010 blog of MSNBC sponsers-to boycott
following the outrageous firing of Olberman and Chris Hayes by MSNBC I need to boycott and this is the safest place for the list at this point:
net Waves, Inc.
Toyota
Verizon
Nutrisystem
Avis
AIG Term Life
Coldwell Bankers
Venus Breeze
O’lay
Jimmy Dean Sausages
lawyers Weitz & Luxenburg, NY
Sudafed
Video Professor
Natural’s Cat Chow, Purina
Merneke Car Care Center
Am. Express
Travel Companion on CNN
Crystal Light
Infiniti Car
Vonage Phone
Dyson Vacuum
Eharmony
Cepacol
Hyundi Car
U.S. Buildings
Boeing
Progessive.Com
Direct TV
Colonial Penn Life Insurance
Indulg-a-Bath
Stop IRS Debt
HSBC Direct Financial Inst
U.S. Airforce
Aleve
Progresso Soup
Subaru
Spiriva
Cooking Lite
Steak-umns Burgers
Infiniti
Scalpcin
Mama Lucia Meat Balls
Sea Bond
Financial Freedom, reverse mortgage
eDiets Meal Delivery
Aqua Velvet
Citracal
Mr. Clean
Chemistry.com
Bayer Products
Old Mutual Investment
Rogaine
Verizon (Both)
Geico”net Waves, Inc.
Toyota
Verizon
Nutrisystem
Avis
AIG Term Life
Coldwell Bankers
Venus Breeze
O’lay
Jimmy Dean Sausages
lawyers Weitz & Luxenburg, NY
Sudafed
Video Professor
Natural’s Cat Chow, Purina
Merneke Car Care Center
Am. Express
Travel Companion on CNN
Crystal Light
Infiniti Car
Vonage Phone
Dyson Vacuum
Eharmony
Cepacol
Hyundi Car
U.S. Buildings
Boeing
Progessive.Com
Direct TV
Colonial Penn Life Insurance
Indulg-a-Bath
Stop IRS Debt
HSBC Direct Financial Inst
U.S. Airforce
Aleve
Progresso Soup
Subaru
Spiriva
Cooking Lite
Steak-umns Burgers
Infiniti
Scalpcin
Mama Lucia Meat Balls
Sea Bond
Financial Freedom, reverse mortgage
eDiets Meal Delivery
Aqua Velvet
Citracal
Mr. Clean
Chemistry.com
Bayer Products
Old Mutual Investment
Rogaine
Verizon (Both)
Geico”
I may not be in the market for a new car but I can do something plus I can sign petitions and write in.
I hate that only the likes of Joe Scarborough and his fellow hating liars are safe. Randi Rhodes says that we have no idea what is coming when Comcast takes over-will I guess we have a taste-I "read" somewhere that Comcast and MSNBC are signing the final pages of their deal.
This has shaken up my prayerful heart AND I know that the ones I have loved the most in the Church were VERY active politically but I am not as calm as I was having gotten caught up in my fighting mode. Mars & Venus in Taurus rising with Aries rising I am easily excited.
net Waves, Inc.
Toyota
Verizon
Nutrisystem
Avis
AIG Term Life
Coldwell Bankers
Venus Breeze
O’lay
Jimmy Dean Sausages
lawyers Weitz & Luxenburg, NY
Sudafed
Video Professor
Natural’s Cat Chow, Purina
Merneke Car Care Center
Am. Express
Travel Companion on CNN
Crystal Light
Infiniti Car
Vonage Phone
Dyson Vacuum
Eharmony
Cepacol
Hyundi Car
U.S. Buildings
Boeing
Progessive.Com
Direct TV
Colonial Penn Life Insurance
Indulg-a-Bath
Stop IRS Debt
HSBC Direct Financial Inst
U.S. Airforce
Aleve
Progresso Soup
Subaru
Spiriva
Cooking Lite
Steak-umns Burgers
Infiniti
Scalpcin
Mama Lucia Meat Balls
Sea Bond
Financial Freedom, reverse mortgage
eDiets Meal Delivery
Aqua Velvet
Citracal
Mr. Clean
Chemistry.com
Bayer Products
Old Mutual Investment
Rogaine
Verizon (Both)
Geico”net Waves, Inc.
Toyota
Verizon
Nutrisystem
Avis
AIG Term Life
Coldwell Bankers
Venus Breeze
O’lay
Jimmy Dean Sausages
lawyers Weitz & Luxenburg, NY
Sudafed
Video Professor
Natural’s Cat Chow, Purina
Merneke Car Care Center
Am. Express
Travel Companion on CNN
Crystal Light
Infiniti Car
Vonage Phone
Dyson Vacuum
Eharmony
Cepacol
Hyundi Car
U.S. Buildings
Boeing
Progessive.Com
Direct TV
Colonial Penn Life Insurance
Indulg-a-Bath
Stop IRS Debt
HSBC Direct Financial Inst
U.S. Airforce
Aleve
Progresso Soup
Subaru
Spiriva
Cooking Lite
Steak-umns Burgers
Infiniti
Scalpcin
Mama Lucia Meat Balls
Sea Bond
Financial Freedom, reverse mortgage
eDiets Meal Delivery
Aqua Velvet
Citracal
Mr. Clean
Chemistry.com
Bayer Products
Old Mutual Investment
Rogaine
Verizon (Both)
Geico”
I may not be in the market for a new car but I can do something plus I can sign petitions and write in.
I hate that only the likes of Joe Scarborough and his fellow hating liars are safe. Randi Rhodes says that we have no idea what is coming when Comcast takes over-will I guess we have a taste-I "read" somewhere that Comcast and MSNBC are signing the final pages of their deal.
This has shaken up my prayerful heart AND I know that the ones I have loved the most in the Church were VERY active politically but I am not as calm as I was having gotten caught up in my fighting mode. Mars & Venus in Taurus rising with Aries rising I am easily excited.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
11/04/2010
Two full days of a prayerful heart. I know this sounds shallow and superficial but I have not had two days of willingness to pray and center my heart and mind on God for years now.
I quit my Rosary practice and daily prayer after my mother and sister came to live with us about what? ten years ago. I was angry with sister Evelyn for shaming me about where I lived and shaming me for reacting to the shunning that she and the other RCIA woman did the day that we were the only ones who showed up for Mass. I definitely needed to learn humility but I now see that "they" had some lessons in humility as well. Why ignore me when there were only three of us. Why not say "Clymela, so and so has had some terrible news and I need to focus on her." If handled that way I would not have felt so shamed and angry.
I had a hard time once I realized that going to church is another social gathering and is covered by all the strictures that one finds out in the world. I didn't realize that going to church is not the same as morning devotions. I did not realize that this is something we do for each other and that the important thing is to help others feel safe and encouraged and supported. I was so caught up in the glamor of conversion and I wanted to show off. I see that now here in my mid-sixties. I still needed to go back "into the world" to do some research.
I am so grateful for the link to St Theresa of Liseiux. Her untitled prayer touches me so deeply "what is praised on one occasion is denounced on the other" and "You,my Lord and my God, are unchangeable for all eternity". It was in those words that i was able to stop running that I could at long last rest. Her ministry-to love each other and all of our lives, everything we encounter, to celebrate God in all of our small and personal daily lives.
I don't see how I could have worked this out for myself. The political world is just insane right now. The corruption in society and law is so strong almost overwhelming at this point.
I quit my Rosary practice and daily prayer after my mother and sister came to live with us about what? ten years ago. I was angry with sister Evelyn for shaming me about where I lived and shaming me for reacting to the shunning that she and the other RCIA woman did the day that we were the only ones who showed up for Mass. I definitely needed to learn humility but I now see that "they" had some lessons in humility as well. Why ignore me when there were only three of us. Why not say "Clymela, so and so has had some terrible news and I need to focus on her." If handled that way I would not have felt so shamed and angry.
I had a hard time once I realized that going to church is another social gathering and is covered by all the strictures that one finds out in the world. I didn't realize that going to church is not the same as morning devotions. I did not realize that this is something we do for each other and that the important thing is to help others feel safe and encouraged and supported. I was so caught up in the glamor of conversion and I wanted to show off. I see that now here in my mid-sixties. I still needed to go back "into the world" to do some research.
I am so grateful for the link to St Theresa of Liseiux. Her untitled prayer touches me so deeply "what is praised on one occasion is denounced on the other" and "You,my Lord and my God, are unchangeable for all eternity". It was in those words that i was able to stop running that I could at long last rest. Her ministry-to love each other and all of our lives, everything we encounter, to celebrate God in all of our small and personal daily lives.
I don't see how I could have worked this out for myself. The political world is just insane right now. The corruption in society and law is so strong almost overwhelming at this point.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
11/03/2010
Well!! I "remembered" writing this morning but I don't find any thing nor do I find it in the history. Guess that I didn't write.
I had another repressed memory come bubbling up to the top. Now I can't even remember but I will remember what it was and once I write it down and see to it that I remain conscious of the experience I will be free of it and the karma associated with that. I draw closer to my own understanding of God and I feel more at peace and increasingly willing to accept the deep longing in me to live in relationship to my understanding of God. I don't think of god having a relationship to me but I do have a relationship to the inner sense of a smiling,warm countenance that is ALWAYS happy to see me, is always welcoming. I turn to this over and over and I have I think maybe all my life. This is how I know God and this is what encourages me to love more,to love more smoothly.
I don't always feel in touch nor do I always feel "spiritual" but whenever I turn to this countenance I am welcomed.
At any rate I started praying when I was so sick and I was so frightened by how habitual my use of Norcal has been. I don't know what I was thinking but I just came to a place of consciousness of expecting to use the drug everyday and to rely on the happy energy brought to me by the drug and the relief of the arthritis/rheumatism aches and pains or whatever I would have used Advil,etc for but which I cannot now that I have to use the cuamedin for the a-fib. Well I definitely am into some troubling patterns and I do get a sick feeling if I stop suddenly. I am assured that I won't do a "low bottom" drama but I do want to change the way I live and prayer was right there in my life and then as I wrote yesteerday St theresa of Lisieux just showed up. I have never been one for following saints but I am now. Her untitled prayer is on my screen saver and i love to read it:
My Lord and my God I have realized that who undertakes
to do anything for the sake of earthly things or to earn the praise of others
deceives himself. Today one thing pleases the world, tomorrow another.
What is praised on one occasion is denounced on another.
Blessed be you, My Lord and my God,for you are unchangeable for all eternity
Whoever serves you faithfully to the end will enjoy life without end in eternity. Amen
I was swept away by my understanding that I could turn to that smiling countennence that I sense within and that I turn to in a innocent trust and if I come to do this regularly I will grow strong in resolution AND I do not have to make a public success, I do not have to make a fortune it is enough if O choose to love daily and to share my experience of the smiling warmth within so that those who know me know that which is within me.
I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of feeling inferior. I was inferior and so what!! I believed that I had to be better and that is what caused all the trouble. If I could have stayed home and tended to my own garden I would have known deep peace. Well that is behind me now and right now I am willing to choose to love and to serve and relax in the assurance that it is enough that I want to live close to God and that I want to serve the power to love everyone all the time. I don't even know what that means really but I will find out and I will write about it.
I had another repressed memory come bubbling up to the top. Now I can't even remember but I will remember what it was and once I write it down and see to it that I remain conscious of the experience I will be free of it and the karma associated with that. I draw closer to my own understanding of God and I feel more at peace and increasingly willing to accept the deep longing in me to live in relationship to my understanding of God. I don't think of god having a relationship to me but I do have a relationship to the inner sense of a smiling,warm countenance that is ALWAYS happy to see me, is always welcoming. I turn to this over and over and I have I think maybe all my life. This is how I know God and this is what encourages me to love more,to love more smoothly.
I don't always feel in touch nor do I always feel "spiritual" but whenever I turn to this countenance I am welcomed.
At any rate I started praying when I was so sick and I was so frightened by how habitual my use of Norcal has been. I don't know what I was thinking but I just came to a place of consciousness of expecting to use the drug everyday and to rely on the happy energy brought to me by the drug and the relief of the arthritis/rheumatism aches and pains or whatever I would have used Advil,etc for but which I cannot now that I have to use the cuamedin for the a-fib. Well I definitely am into some troubling patterns and I do get a sick feeling if I stop suddenly. I am assured that I won't do a "low bottom" drama but I do want to change the way I live and prayer was right there in my life and then as I wrote yesteerday St theresa of Lisieux just showed up. I have never been one for following saints but I am now. Her untitled prayer is on my screen saver and i love to read it:
My Lord and my God I have realized that who undertakes
to do anything for the sake of earthly things or to earn the praise of others
deceives himself. Today one thing pleases the world, tomorrow another.
What is praised on one occasion is denounced on another.
Blessed be you, My Lord and my God,for you are unchangeable for all eternity
Whoever serves you faithfully to the end will enjoy life without end in eternity. Amen
I was swept away by my understanding that I could turn to that smiling countennence that I sense within and that I turn to in a innocent trust and if I come to do this regularly I will grow strong in resolution AND I do not have to make a public success, I do not have to make a fortune it is enough if O choose to love daily and to share my experience of the smiling warmth within so that those who know me know that which is within me.
I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of feeling inferior. I was inferior and so what!! I believed that I had to be better and that is what caused all the trouble. If I could have stayed home and tended to my own garden I would have known deep peace. Well that is behind me now and right now I am willing to choose to love and to serve and relax in the assurance that it is enough that I want to live close to God and that I want to serve the power to love everyone all the time. I don't even know what that means really but I will find out and I will write about it.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
11/2/2010 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR ROBERT
So I was passing time going through the religion section of Huffington Post and came to a little piece on St Therese of Lisieux and I was knocked over by her mission which was to do everything in daily life to express the perceived love of God for us. I was just so startled becuase this is right in line with my desire to communicate how the small things the overlooked things are the very foundation of our lives and then when I was discussing this with Rev Green he pointed out that this is the basis of Weslleyism-everything to be done for the Glory of God although I must say in my experience there was never much joy with the Methodists which is why St Therese of Lisieux seems to be more full of joy and love. Perhaps that is because she never had to feed a family and support the family,etc. I don't know but I am drawn to St Therese of Lisieux and I will be searching out more information-I know she is the Saint of the Little Flowers.
I have never before been drawn to saints except the myths of our dear St Mary Magdalena.
I take this as a gift from Robert on this anniversary of his birth. I still miss him and would love for him to have met Steve. I loved him and was not ashamed to be spiritual with him and although he never spoke of his faith I knew that he sang the Mass daily and he never wavered even though he was so bright and was able to see the mistakes of the Church Fathers.
I am thinking that now I have something to study and that I will be blessed in this although of course not exempted from my duty as a family member and citizen.
Serving God in these little ways and anonymously will be just the path to draw me out of the morbid focus on these late years and the death that awaits me. I can now begin to learn how to do everything for the love of Jesus God.
I don't have to speak of this-no this is not done for the glory of this ego, this personality but is taken up for the love of God and Robert and for the love of family and friends and, I pray, for the love of humanity.
i see this also as the answer to my obsession with politics and the struggles of humans to get what they think is needed. I will always be involved but I am so grateful to be reminded that there are other paths through the world.
I have never before been drawn to saints except the myths of our dear St Mary Magdalena.
I take this as a gift from Robert on this anniversary of his birth. I still miss him and would love for him to have met Steve. I loved him and was not ashamed to be spiritual with him and although he never spoke of his faith I knew that he sang the Mass daily and he never wavered even though he was so bright and was able to see the mistakes of the Church Fathers.
I am thinking that now I have something to study and that I will be blessed in this although of course not exempted from my duty as a family member and citizen.
Serving God in these little ways and anonymously will be just the path to draw me out of the morbid focus on these late years and the death that awaits me. I can now begin to learn how to do everything for the love of Jesus God.
I don't have to speak of this-no this is not done for the glory of this ego, this personality but is taken up for the love of God and Robert and for the love of family and friends and, I pray, for the love of humanity.
i see this also as the answer to my obsession with politics and the struggles of humans to get what they think is needed. I will always be involved but I am so grateful to be reminded that there are other paths through the world.
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