Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sunday 7/31/2011

The time of Leo which I love what with Saturn Moon Pluto all in Leo with in seven degrees right in the very basement of my heart.
The government has been arguing and threatening over a refusal by the right wing Republican congress members to raise the debt limit. I am so sick of the arguments and even more I am sick because I don't believe ANYONE, ANYONE CONNECTED TO THIS. I was trying to come back to supporting Obama but today I read in Huffington Post about his rigid determination to punish drug users and to treat the "druggies" like serious felons and I imagine gathering from other gossip drops in Huffington Post,etc that he intends to put pot smokers in the same place as other drug users. This is so depressing and so stupid and so what? sickening? Nauseating?

I find news about our real history. PBS is running a show about the Bombing of Germany at the end of the war. Kurt Vonnegut wrote about this and so have others. Other places on the TV is constant chatter about Obama, the right wing Congressional members who are new and who lack knowledge of law-making thinking that it is all rubbish and they can just throw a spanner in the works, get everything to stop and then someone will come in and rewrite everything more in the ideas of Grover Norquist. Grover has been outed to the national press although I have heard that he and his lover openly walk around holding hands where they live in ????North Carolina?

Norquist is a nightmare to me-a behind the scenes dictator having these new congressional reps sign an agreement that they seem loathe to break. Norquist plays on the fear and confusion of these times in America. From what he says and the energy he exudes I say that he is a hater and he spreads hate by accenting people's fear and rewarding them for being so bright and perceptive to realize "the truth". I am just intuiting here; I have never read anything about him nor have I researched him at all. I am simply reacting to the publicity and certain smirkiness that I perceive in him. I get the idea that he is doing what he does out of a deep hatred of the world.

So...... I am stuffed with negative energy tonight and can't even move myself to something better. YUCK!! Tomorrow is another day as my mother used to say to me when I had had a terrible day.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

7/24/2011

So long since I wrote. I shut down, just shut down. I thought that I was doing better and truly I was out of the physical part of grief but I couldn't stand with any of the wonderful thoughts and breakthroughs of those weeks.
I remember now the experience of "knowing"that I have always been accompanied on this journey always surrounded by love and the attention of elders and I "knew" in a breath that I would have the same experienced as I move into death. I felt like teaching angels were all around me and they were teaching me something in that thought that was very like learning to write my name in the big letters we first use.
I was shaken to my core by Buffy's death. Somehow I had a fantasy that she would not do it in the end that she would stay alive. If Buffy died then I could no longer deny the facts-I too would die.
Dieing just scared me so deeply; I felt so abandoned by all that I had trusted. This "thought" came up as an answer to that fear. I know it seems simple now that it has been born but believe me I had to go through so much to get to that "thought"and it is such a gift one that I carry with me although I just forgot it for a few weeks.
I am accustomed to Buffy being dead and I still miss her so much. She was so small in death just a little girl and I saw photos of her and was so shocked to see how pretty she was so feminine and old-fashioned. I never saw that because I was so buzy fighting her and doing all that I could to scar her and beat her and totally dominate her. And I won but at the cost of my soul-what violence between us and I was totally unconscious of what I was doing always thought of her as the mean one and everyone joined in and she was tormented but she was always the one who got boyfriends. I was shocked by this because I thought of myself as beautiful, nice, and fun but over and over guys chose her.
I wish that I could have loved her in life as I do now that she is gone and I am not confronted with the fact of her and fall once again to the spell of "my sister"who carried all my shadow, all my nastiness. WOW!! her spirit guides were so glad to welcome her home.
Going to lie down this evening with Steve and red "Godesses In Older Women". I have been really startled to recognize how central Hestia is in my psychology. Wouldn't surprise anyone else who knows these things and knows me