Saturday, January 29, 2011

1/29/2011

So for the first time I can see how my own chart works. the complex that results in over-eating and compulsive over-eating is the result of complex emotional responses to complex environmental stimuli and I never connected this to my love for food and ccoking and gardening and my love completely for the kitchen and how the kitchen feeds the family and over time becomes family history.
All I ever thought of was " I am bad to be a compulsive overeater and I shouldn't be like that and I should be different. Now I am "seeing" that this was only the shadow side of my personality.
My love of the kitchen has encouraged me to learn how to use food and cooking and eating even gardening to support life and activity and to express all types of emotions and learning.
I had so hated being thought of as fat that all I could think of food and eating was to want to be rid of it. Now I can see that this is also my creativity and self-expression. I am expressing myself as I really am with real talent and interest in food and the experience of food and eating and cooking-I just was overwhelmed by self-loathing

Friday, January 28, 2011

1/28/2011

So much moving and becoming conscious. the love of food is obviously represented by the Mars conjunct Venus in Taurus rising square Saturn, Moon , Pluto in Leo in the 4th-an obsessive, powerful love of food and the square fulcrumed by Uranus in Gemini in the 2nd indicates that I will talk about it and write about and be an all around revolutionary voice. and, yes there will always be those who don't like me or what I have to say.
I have never before seen that the food thing is right there in that complex and that food is the healing agent as well as the illness.
I have feared my "compulsive eating syndrome" not realizing that the symptoms are the physical language telling me that something is terribly worng and for me it is the eating franken foods that leave me ravenous and have at times forced y weight up to over two hundred pounds.
Earlier, I think in 2010,I touched into the memory of being slender and the main thing was the absence of hunger-I was always wanting to feel full but that would never happen if I was eating the "bad foods"-things made in factories and made with factory produced ingredients. this type of food is dead and when I try to live on this type of nourishment I soon go out of control and start eating ravenously as I grow restless and tired and depressed. Only now am I realizing that it is fresh food that i need and that I don't need to do anything other than remind myself that I can eat whatever i am eating until I am no longer wanting to eat. I can trust myself when i am eating fresh food. for instance i can eat a lot of fruit in the summer and it never effects my blood sugars the way sugar-free package pudding does.
More later but I am all lit up as we say: wanting to write about growing old and loving it, the 99 year old poet in japan

Thursday, January 27, 2011

1/27/2011

So much happiness that I became superstitious and thought "perhaps, I am about to drop dead"
The letter from Cheri, the day at Sacramento meeting new people receiving and opportunity to get to know new engaged welfare rights people,professionals who have chores for me. realizing that my prayers are being answered.

january 27,2011

Queen of Swords------------------QUEEN OF SWORDS---------------------------------
Cheri brollier wrties that she is my friend and plans to be friends for life. this is the gift of Creation, the Mother , to me. I always said to those who would be interested that my chart would not light up until mid-life. Progressed Sun traveling over natal Saturn and Moon and Pluto and heals the infections caused by bruise's and crashes in young life.

I met her one Sunday at Sunday School when the community still used the old building as theFirst Methodist Church of Moscow. The building was a dug-out that had been stuccoed and painted white with a church bell in the SW corner of the building. I

I loved going to Sunday School. the room in which we met, we being the children who were not yet in school or were just in the first grade. In the room was a table w painted a true blue enamel and the floor was covered with red linoleum featuring Mother Goose's biggest hits. I particularly loved the "cow jumped over the moon" and the image of the milking boy falling over and over through space This room really satisfied my on the level of aesthetics. the room was quiet and soothing but also respectful of my five year old energy and my need to "do something" after about three minutes when in the middle of a sit still period of life. The colors themselves did that and watching the train on the mountain forever going over the top and then traveling out of sight on its long distance trip and all would be quiet √I remember clearly that there was a glass-covered utility meter/register and the part of the circular ruler had little black rectangle markers and they appeared to be the cars of the train that was pulled without fail around the track only visible part of the time.
Okay there will be more of this. Took me a moment to realize that the letter yesterday from Cheri was my version of winning the lottery. a dream of childhood,a dream that caused me so much sorrow and regret and seemed to be completely a story of loss and failure has turned into gold what I thought was straw is gold and I was correct all along when I "saw" that my chart would not bloom unil I enterd the period of agedness.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

1/26/2011

So listen up!! I have an inspiration: I want to write about growing old,about life AFTER the menopause, life after service to the collective via reproduction and finding a "career path".
I am loving retirement loving the solitude and the relaxation of being "withdrawn " from daily business life and all the flurry of raising children and working on marriage or other relationships.
Admittedly i have to make a greater effort to stay healthy and sane. for instance walking up the hill from Safeway was a god send-the strenuous workout chased the blues of virus away and kept me energized all day long and I slept soundly. I don't enjoy life as much if I fail to exercise like that everyday
I want to write about the joy of life after 60. It seems that literature only treats age and old age as defeat because it leads to death but I am thinking/feeling that age, this last third or quarter or whatever is actually Life itself and deserves to be celebrated and commented on just as the other stages are. This is part of this inspiration I have to celebrate the common and the ordinary, the daily that we ignore and take for granted but which actually forms the body of our existence. Hecate talking about the Mother loving to make love to her through her bare feet on the summer lawn. The very ground of being so easily ignored so easily overlooked while staring upwards seeking rockets and other fireworks.
My desire to capture the growing freedom from the restraints of mating,nest building,community placing,etc that is age. freedom to be myself after all these years.

Yesterday Steve just summed up the importance of home. He thanked me for making everything soft and sweet. He was referring to my work around the house since I returned from the almost three weeks in Tennessee. this is exactly what I am wanting to capture and Please!! I do not want this backed up by religion or politics but rather something much lower and homely. My father genuinely respected women and praised women. he had been deeply shaped by his mother's elegance even though she was handicapped by having lost one leg. he respected her and identified with her in that he wanted to serve her and support her and he admired her strength of character. I grew up in a home where this high value was always present.

Monday, January 24, 2011

1/24/2011

Whamie!! I fell ill with a cold/flu. I was down from Friday PM until today. I am still ill although better and I have pain reliever to mask the symptoms.
Last night of seeing Tom Waits and cutting his hair but only on the left side agreeing to finish on our next visit. to graduate school in the city at, I guess, the Jung Institute. I am taking entrance exams and feeling like a failure although I am not even though there are health issues that need to be treated mostly with diet and exercise. I am told that I am going to meet a companion scholar, Pikola-Estes, I am so blown away by being told that I will be close to her and will come to know her. I have to leave the facility-school will not begin for sometime yet and I am on vacation. I need to hurry home and get the kids and load up for the ride to the airport-we are flying to Hawaii. We, my sister and Barbara and myself go out to the parking lot but we cannot find my car. we go over every possible place but t is gone. We discuss this on the phone and in person there is some problem with clothes as well and I am quite stressed and must be home by 4:30 so that we can drive to the airport. We go to the gas station across the street seems that we drove there and I try to call home which is Roland.

Jeez-I am too tired to go on here. this dream wore me out and even trying to record it is tiring.

I NEED to drop the past-that seems to be the context of the dream. Ann Ramenofski is in the dreeam.

I was knocked over today by an imagination of what my Saturn represents in me: the shallow, quaking oak leaf of a girl absolutely overwhelmed by cultural and family darkness. so hunted and abused and unable to protect myself and with little parental protection-for some reason I was allowed to wander alone and encountered some real madness adrift in my village

Thursday, January 20, 2011

1/20/2011-second

I have been so flat,so uninspired to write feeling self-conscious and without anything to write. Feeling homely and ordinary and unable to touch into anything that sparkles.

The trip to Tennessee was harder on me than i want to admit. the pull of the religion I was raised in is deeper than I like to admit. I always have this doubt: "what if THEY are right?" I feel in my heart even though I can walk easily through the holes in the philosophy, the beliefs. I just was raised in the religion and I am deeply spiritual feel deeply the invisible origins of life and so there I was alone there with these people my last blood relations and I felt the pull and the pull wearied me and frightened me and left me feeling a failure that I should be so vulnerable to the pull of that which I have rejected because it is the creation of the who don't even know folks like myself.
Well today I am feeling a little off with upset stomach,etc and I was thumbing through Hecate a site I turn to regularly because she is the mix of ecstatic and political and physical that just appeals to me and I came across a site I didn't know: "Pagan Godspell"which says on the opening page "grok Earth and pray without ceasing" and I felt such a lightening of my spirits and WOW!!! my battered little heart just felt so embraced and soothed and encouraged. Encouraged to love the god I have come to trust and to turn to. The god that is at the center of my being would never trick me or deny me or overlook me. No my god is always here right here and it is only me that grows in insight and understanding. My god loves this earth loves this life and my god
loves me and all of creation and desires that we understand this in a fuller and clear way-this is in us from the beginning.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

First Post of 2011:January 18,2011

Happy birthday Susie Navarro and LaVonne Harrison: Randy's sife of three years and my first time supervisor at Contra Costa County.

I have been lonely. Not so many people writing to me via g-mail and Facebook and I am back from Tennessee relieved to be home and also missing the tight,regular household of Susie and Randy and missing Buffy.
I felt so at home there in Tennessee. I suppose this was because I immediately jumped into taking Buffy for her chemo and this is done in a huge room with others something so intimate and personal shared with others in the same strange class.

I hated I think, hated Randi and Susie together. They could ignore us and act as if we were strange creatures and I wanted to bring Buffy home but she wants to stay there and I feel guilty knowing that her care would run me down and we would fight.

I loather the conservative Christians and the talk of having to accept Jesus as one's only saviour. the teaching of eternal damnation if one fails to accept Jesus just wearies me and I wonder at such a violent teaching and one full of trickery.

I am also hating Obama right now . He seems to be really a conservative in hiding and a friend of business and corporate greed. I am growing weary of politics. I had hoped that Obama would bring in some hope but now I only hear capitulation to the big money boys/girls.

Maybe tomorrow. I don't want to fall back into the darkness of depression nor do I want to go over and over the same ground.