Man’s work is to raise the dead to life, to bring brotherhood into expression on the physical plane, and to transmit divine energy to a waiting world of forms. ALICE BAILEY
This is a quote from Alice Baily and god I loved reading those words this morning. the rest of the passage is a little too strained or rather the analogy is strained but the first few words brought a tingle to my flesh
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
11/25/2010
Probably overworked yestereday but the kitchen looks appropriately Thanksgiving. Miss my sister who would be busy decorating the house so that Thanksgiving would reflect all over the house. Aimee, Arthur, Courtney will be here and Arvin arrived yesterday. There will be football and parades on TV and there will be cooking and we will eat all day. There will also be reminders of all the family/origins issues and the opportunity to release the past.
I said my morning prayer to Holy Queen: She is also present and healing and supporting in this home-the Blessing that I could never have asked for because the blessing came first and then I have grown in the direction, with the direction of Her.
Now : need cornbread, coconut cake, go get Aimee and Arthur, get giblets on to cooking in order to have turkey broth for dressing and gravy, cranberries into cranberry chutney,drain the fruits for the Heavenly Hash an outrage of fattening food that is my absolute favorite salad for Thanksgiving and Christmas-mandarin orange section, crushed pineapple,cherries,marshmallows and sour cream. YUP!! I am not kidding! This is from childhood and I have never tired of it. It was the expense of this on thanksgiving 1980 with George that revealed our greatest division. We were so broke and he was horrified that I spent over $10 getting the ingredients and I was of course simply delighted that I could manage to get the food together. The point for me is that I did not yet know how to make the salad properly but it symbolizes for me the lushness of abundance and overflow and it is the abundance that I love and seek out at this time of year.
I said my morning prayer to Holy Queen: She is also present and healing and supporting in this home-the Blessing that I could never have asked for because the blessing came first and then I have grown in the direction, with the direction of Her.
Now : need cornbread, coconut cake, go get Aimee and Arthur, get giblets on to cooking in order to have turkey broth for dressing and gravy, cranberries into cranberry chutney,drain the fruits for the Heavenly Hash an outrage of fattening food that is my absolute favorite salad for Thanksgiving and Christmas-mandarin orange section, crushed pineapple,cherries,marshmallows and sour cream. YUP!! I am not kidding! This is from childhood and I have never tired of it. It was the expense of this on thanksgiving 1980 with George that revealed our greatest division. We were so broke and he was horrified that I spent over $10 getting the ingredients and I was of course simply delighted that I could manage to get the food together. The point for me is that I did not yet know how to make the salad properly but it symbolizes for me the lushness of abundance and overflow and it is the abundance that I love and seek out at this time of year.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
11/24/2010
The day before Thanksgiving 2010. Pies to make,cakes to bake and many chores to prepare for tomorrow and I am grateful this year.
Last night I dreamed that i was once again with Roland in the ghetto grabbing sex on the sneak and dirty guilty sex and I didn't go to work even though I did continue to attempt to clean my house and go to work,etc. This was such a reminder of my life with him-guilt complexes around sex seeing it as nasty and hidden and vulgar and something only available at the lower rungs of society. A devastating time for me/ I feel so sloppy even a betrayer, a traitor against my class,my group but this is the only way I know how to fulfill my sex drive. I remember that I have a lover now who is not part of this life but still I allow the old life to seep in. I don't remember the details just that the dream takes place in Richmond, Denver and downtown Oakland when Capwells was still viable.
As I write I no longer recall all the details but there is an end and a resolution. I never got to work that day, never got the bath and change of clothes I needed,never really got the house cleaned up but I did wind up in command and in the end my dear friend Judy came in and asked if I wanted to get to a getaway island off the Carolinas. She was so tall and slender and her hair was straight and cut short and very close to her head.
This comes three days after I ran into Doc and Cheryl, Roland's brother and sister-in-law. Steve and I were doing Thanksgiving shopping and Cheryl and I met over the onion bin there at Safeway. I loved them all even though as the dream indicates there was so much shadow for me and my sex complex was totally in control and I destroyed much of my life although I did hold onto the job. Well I was deeply upset after-there are reasons that I pulled away and never returned and I didn't want those years integrated into the life I have now.
Roland has remarried and is happy!!! Living in San Francisco. I am sure his mother's answered prayers. This is beautiful and I am thankful for him and his life now.
At any rate Steve and I slept snuggled up last night something that we don't do now fifteen years in and I believe it was because of my closeness to him that I was able to have the dream and to benefit from the blessing and assurance of that dream.
I don't have to go back and I am capable of integrating my darkness into consciousness and therefore growing through all the chapters of life.
I have the past few weeks/months been reflecting on the experience of poor planning and poverty,etc that led to the failure of my plans to return to school in 1977 the time of the first Saturn return. I could not accept myself at that point and that led to Roland and those years
Maybe I will eventually write on all of those years and the loss and darkness and perhaps have something to offer for my time and space. Love to my Beloved Holy Mother of Tears!! If when she first showed up I could have turned to Her but alas I didn't yet know how not until all those years later when I went to St Joseph's did I encounter the type of spiritual instruction that I needed. I am grateful to be a Roman Catholic regardless of the unpopularity and the often, for me, offensive militaristic faith of some RC's. Abortion is the issue of the day and ultimately we should be able to support all life we are given but I still must stand with the young mother who must support herself and the children-if she cannot support a pregnancy I support her.
Last night I dreamed that i was once again with Roland in the ghetto grabbing sex on the sneak and dirty guilty sex and I didn't go to work even though I did continue to attempt to clean my house and go to work,etc. This was such a reminder of my life with him-guilt complexes around sex seeing it as nasty and hidden and vulgar and something only available at the lower rungs of society. A devastating time for me/ I feel so sloppy even a betrayer, a traitor against my class,my group but this is the only way I know how to fulfill my sex drive. I remember that I have a lover now who is not part of this life but still I allow the old life to seep in. I don't remember the details just that the dream takes place in Richmond, Denver and downtown Oakland when Capwells was still viable.
As I write I no longer recall all the details but there is an end and a resolution. I never got to work that day, never got the bath and change of clothes I needed,never really got the house cleaned up but I did wind up in command and in the end my dear friend Judy came in and asked if I wanted to get to a getaway island off the Carolinas. She was so tall and slender and her hair was straight and cut short and very close to her head.
This comes three days after I ran into Doc and Cheryl, Roland's brother and sister-in-law. Steve and I were doing Thanksgiving shopping and Cheryl and I met over the onion bin there at Safeway. I loved them all even though as the dream indicates there was so much shadow for me and my sex complex was totally in control and I destroyed much of my life although I did hold onto the job. Well I was deeply upset after-there are reasons that I pulled away and never returned and I didn't want those years integrated into the life I have now.
Roland has remarried and is happy!!! Living in San Francisco. I am sure his mother's answered prayers. This is beautiful and I am thankful for him and his life now.
At any rate Steve and I slept snuggled up last night something that we don't do now fifteen years in and I believe it was because of my closeness to him that I was able to have the dream and to benefit from the blessing and assurance of that dream.
I don't have to go back and I am capable of integrating my darkness into consciousness and therefore growing through all the chapters of life.
I have the past few weeks/months been reflecting on the experience of poor planning and poverty,etc that led to the failure of my plans to return to school in 1977 the time of the first Saturn return. I could not accept myself at that point and that led to Roland and those years
Maybe I will eventually write on all of those years and the loss and darkness and perhaps have something to offer for my time and space. Love to my Beloved Holy Mother of Tears!! If when she first showed up I could have turned to Her but alas I didn't yet know how not until all those years later when I went to St Joseph's did I encounter the type of spiritual instruction that I needed. I am grateful to be a Roman Catholic regardless of the unpopularity and the often, for me, offensive militaristic faith of some RC's. Abortion is the issue of the day and ultimately we should be able to support all life we are given but I still must stand with the young mother who must support herself and the children-if she cannot support a pregnancy I support her.
Friday, November 12, 2010
11/12/2010
So there is so much going on inside of me. Tonight out of the heavens comes this image of a fox and I know that I should look up fox/fox medicine. I am so surprised and then I see the book "Pioneer Women" about the European immigrants that may have contained some of the women in my maternal side. the book talks about the advertisments of the first corporate farms who advertised in Europe and the British Isles for cheap land in The US.
FOX: really that has only shown up in its shadow aspect-sneaking away with out paying debts and sneaking away form doing necessary chores,being sloppy and careless.
SOLITARY I think.
FOX: really that has only shown up in its shadow aspect-sneaking away with out paying debts and sneaking away form doing necessary chores,being sloppy and careless.
SOLITARY I think.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
11/10/2010
Today Courtney is twenty years old. She has friends over, they are loud or rather were but now they sound more relaxed. I don't like the men who came nor the energu and I really don't want them here and I will warn Courtney not to re-invite them. I love our home and family life and I am unwilling to have people who are rude or aggressive here in out tiny apartment.
I just want to lay around on the bed with the cats and read and listen to TV programs -rerun last nights programs-NCIS-NCIS LA-The Good Wife: I love Tuesday nights. Well I did watch all the shows and then I took a nap and I feel like sleeping more.
I was explaining to Steve that I need to walk with a little goal such as going to the store or going to eat or something like that. Steve really doesn't want to use the buggy anymore but I do. I may just start going by myself. I haven't walked at all since we got the JEEP and that is terrible and is starting to turn depressive and I also need the walking so that I sleep better at night. If I walk a couple of miles every day I can be much more relaxed about food.
Courtney is going back to Santa Cruz tonight with her friends. I think it is better if I don't know too much about her growing up. I just need to get across to her that she cannot continue to party all the time.
I just now got around to reading the daily scripture from Titus 3-and Luke 17 all about the healing power of god. Titus particularly moved me reminding us of how crude and obsessed we have been in our lives and really only are healed by the power of God in our lives through prayer. I know that before I had this turning I did pray for help to turn into a more loving, a more gentle spirit. I prayed for forgiveness as I saw that while I didn't get what i wanted or needed neither did my parents. I saw how hard life was for them pulling out of Kansas and starting again. They both had salable skills but they had no frineds and the people they had relied on betrayed them profoundly and then my sister and I turned up pregnant from taking care of ourselves the best we knew how. Tragedy tragedy-deep wounds and scars. Profound insecurity on my part. I wished that I could hold my parents and kiss them and tell them how much they are to me.
I just want to lay around on the bed with the cats and read and listen to TV programs -rerun last nights programs-NCIS-NCIS LA-The Good Wife: I love Tuesday nights. Well I did watch all the shows and then I took a nap and I feel like sleeping more.
I was explaining to Steve that I need to walk with a little goal such as going to the store or going to eat or something like that. Steve really doesn't want to use the buggy anymore but I do. I may just start going by myself. I haven't walked at all since we got the JEEP and that is terrible and is starting to turn depressive and I also need the walking so that I sleep better at night. If I walk a couple of miles every day I can be much more relaxed about food.
Courtney is going back to Santa Cruz tonight with her friends. I think it is better if I don't know too much about her growing up. I just need to get across to her that she cannot continue to party all the time.
I just now got around to reading the daily scripture from Titus 3-and Luke 17 all about the healing power of god. Titus particularly moved me reminding us of how crude and obsessed we have been in our lives and really only are healed by the power of God in our lives through prayer. I know that before I had this turning I did pray for help to turn into a more loving, a more gentle spirit. I prayed for forgiveness as I saw that while I didn't get what i wanted or needed neither did my parents. I saw how hard life was for them pulling out of Kansas and starting again. They both had salable skills but they had no frineds and the people they had relied on betrayed them profoundly and then my sister and I turned up pregnant from taking care of ourselves the best we knew how. Tragedy tragedy-deep wounds and scars. Profound insecurity on my part. I wished that I could hold my parents and kiss them and tell them how much they are to me.
11/10/2010
Copying something I wrote in Huffington Post in regards to "homone therapy" that a doctor is recommending in today's HP.
One wonders why we need to medicate against aging. And one does wonder why we need to torture horses with a life much worse than any imagined Hell in order to keep us from aging. I use medicines from the big pharm companies and I am grateful but I don't see why menopause is so frightening. Perhaps because we can no longer be sex objects, because women have no point except for the lust we can inspire in men's hearts? I love being post-menopausal and yes I do have some of the age related medical problems that I would never trade for the uproar and chaos of my reproductive years,.
This is very truthful even though I do miss the sexuality. last week I orgasmed in a dream-the first one in ages because I require so long to become excited unlike the years of reproductive energy. I always thought that boys and men were the only ones to get "horny" but now I can understand that I was almost all the time when in those years but the conflict between my US protestant upbringing and my body caused such chaos and uproar that I never felt horny just deeply frightened. It was not until Steve at the end of those years that I finally felt safe enough to really enjoy my sex and my body. the sweetest reward for simply hanging in long enough to get to the top as it were. All the ideas about sex are ridiculous what is really important is to have the confidence in ourselves and for me that took years and years-look at my chart.
One wonders why we need to medicate against aging. And one does wonder why we need to torture horses with a life much worse than any imagined Hell in order to keep us from aging. I use medicines from the big pharm companies and I am grateful but I don't see why menopause is so frightening. Perhaps because we can no longer be sex objects, because women have no point except for the lust we can inspire in men's hearts? I love being post-menopausal and yes I do have some of the age related medical problems that I would never trade for the uproar and chaos of my reproductive years,.
This is very truthful even though I do miss the sexuality. last week I orgasmed in a dream-the first one in ages because I require so long to become excited unlike the years of reproductive energy. I always thought that boys and men were the only ones to get "horny" but now I can understand that I was almost all the time when in those years but the conflict between my US protestant upbringing and my body caused such chaos and uproar that I never felt horny just deeply frightened. It was not until Steve at the end of those years that I finally felt safe enough to really enjoy my sex and my body. the sweetest reward for simply hanging in long enough to get to the top as it were. All the ideas about sex are ridiculous what is really important is to have the confidence in ourselves and for me that took years and years-look at my chart.
Monday, November 8, 2010
11/8/2010
I saw a look in the face of a blue fin tuna who was being murdered that reminded me of our kittens who are now fourteen months old. They have made me so much more aware of life and consequently I am so much more unwilling to add to the suffering of the world. This is not just a Christian concept but has come from all over the world. I have always believed that animals have souls never considered otherwise no matter what the "grown-ups" thought-I knew.
Somehow we don't need to kill each other but we also don't need to keep twisting the laws of nature to force nature into producing more life than we need or can support.
Strange right now on the TV is a piece on the marauding monkeys of Delhi where our President is visiting. Our president in India talking about how outsourcing is good for India and the US. Well he is making very clear who has hired him-the Globalists.
Somehow we don't need to kill each other but we also don't need to keep twisting the laws of nature to force nature into producing more life than we need or can support.
Strange right now on the TV is a piece on the marauding monkeys of Delhi where our President is visiting. Our president in India talking about how outsourcing is good for India and the US. Well he is making very clear who has hired him-the Globalists.
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