I have been so flat,so uninspired to write feeling self-conscious and without anything to write. Feeling homely and ordinary and unable to touch into anything that sparkles.
The trip to Tennessee was harder on me than i want to admit. the pull of the religion I was raised in is deeper than I like to admit. I always have this doubt: "what if THEY are right?" I feel in my heart even though I can walk easily through the holes in the philosophy, the beliefs. I just was raised in the religion and I am deeply spiritual feel deeply the invisible origins of life and so there I was alone there with these people my last blood relations and I felt the pull and the pull wearied me and frightened me and left me feeling a failure that I should be so vulnerable to the pull of that which I have rejected because it is the creation of the who don't even know folks like myself.
Well today I am feeling a little off with upset stomach,etc and I was thumbing through Hecate a site I turn to regularly because she is the mix of ecstatic and political and physical that just appeals to me and I came across a site I didn't know: "Pagan Godspell"which says on the opening page "grok Earth and pray without ceasing" and I felt such a lightening of my spirits and WOW!!! my battered little heart just felt so embraced and soothed and encouraged. Encouraged to love the god I have come to trust and to turn to. The god that is at the center of my being would never trick me or deny me or overlook me. No my god is always here right here and it is only me that grows in insight and understanding. My god loves this earth loves this life and my god
loves me and all of creation and desires that we understand this in a fuller and clear way-this is in us from the beginning.
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