OOHH!! I am not in a good place today: the ankles are swollen although not as much as over the weekend and all my joints seem to be swollen. My morning blood sugar was 105-the lowest reading since the diabetes began; for some reason I could never get below 120. I think that it is lower now because I am slowly losing weight. I am once again turning to "a plant-based diet" as Clinton announced when he showed up so thin. I am not utterly vegan but i am repeatedly sickened by the thought of cows and pigs raised as food slaves and tortured unto death-really! I am sickened when I walk past the meat counters and I am encouraged when I go to the Farmer's market or the Berkeley Bowland realize that I am free to eat what I really love and what my body REALLY likes to eat. I love the vegetables, the fruit, the grain and these items do not give me a stomach ache as dairy does nor heartburn as the animal flesh and grease does. Oh how I love a bean tostada or a bean burrito, how I love these days the spinach,cranberry,pecan,sour cheese salad with balsamic vinegar dressing. I/my body react beautifully to the plant-based diet without the stomach ache and gas and heartburn and with the entire cow thing out of the way I am free of the compulsive hunger that drove me to weigh in at over 200 pounds at one point.
I am drawn back toward the Church even though I no longer believe literally in the story. I love the ritual, the seasons and the culture and I miss going to Mass and I miss sharing this with Steve. I still read the st Theresa of Lisiejkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkm ( cat writing)-St Theresa of Lisieux
ux daily readings and meditations based on the seasons of the Church. the struggle with reducing my vicodin use has really interfered with the development of the insights about the importance of the little daily acts of love and mercy.
I don't use a huge amount of Vicodin but i use it everyday in order to feel free of the aches and pains of arthritis and aging. My current doctor believes that the amount that I use is very high still although I no longer use the 10mg 4x daily. I am slowly very slowly weaning off although every time I have flare up of flu/arthritis aches beyond normal i do go back to that high level-I got into this when I turned A-fib and can not use ibuprofen or aspirin or the other anti-inflammatory pain relievers because I am on warfarin and can not risk hemorrhage by adding more non-clotting factors AND I had to go through three surgeries for the carpel tunnel condition. Two years of daily vicodin left me with a habit that I was at first unwilling to acknowledge and which now I "struggle" with. I felt so guilty when I first accepted that I was in a problem but that is changing now-this is physical and emotional but i can and will come out of this although the 12 Step path is not really available since this pain reliever is the only thing available to me-I am teaching myself to live without regular pain relief while also accepting that I will need the Vicodin often. I actually don't know if this will work.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
First I wanted to write about greed and seeing how greed is what blocks us from having enough. We always have enough but the belief that we need more is what drives us to consume as we reach always for perfection and the perfect expression of "more".
then I wanted to write about my swollen ankles something that I have never had. Terrifying swelling to me the look of the "elephant legs" that I would see on clients as I made IHSS home visits in the early 2000's that I later learned was a symnptom of heart failure and the doctors said that my A-fib could hide a blood clot and that perhaps I had the beginning of heart failure. heart failure? Could this have come on due to the Vicodin use? Always the guilt!! Fear of dying, my mortality!! Too young to have heart problems
And then.... I thought of my father and looked at his chart although I don't know bout the time of birth so I used 10AM based on his saying that he was born in the morning. what a beautiful chart and I could plainly see our area of entanglement which revealed to me his sadistic streak although he was too highly evolved to be really cruel. His Venus at 5+ Pisces and Mars at 14+ Virgo= His T-square become my experience of my father. I feared him and hated him although I was proud of his handsomeness and strength and talent to sing and swim. I in the end resolved the issues by getting pregnant at 15 (not so weird really since I began bleeding at age 9 years. Nevertheless I had a boyfriend from a more stable,successful family although of course low middle-class as well. I so wished that i could have known all of this before his death but ALAS!! I am only now understanding.
My father was a true introvert who loved animals and children and to loved to work. He was so skilled and had so much to share but as Roy Kenoier said "he was crazy".
My father was a good man. There was never any hint of sexual impropriety, there was absolutely no abuse of any kind accept of course for his temper which our mother could handle. He drank too much once and got drunk and made a fool of himself and my mother took the keys and threatened him with abandonment and that was the end of that-I never saw him drunk again. He was very clean and took great pride in his appearance his morning grooming ritual was part of our life.
then I wanted to write about my swollen ankles something that I have never had. Terrifying swelling to me the look of the "elephant legs" that I would see on clients as I made IHSS home visits in the early 2000's that I later learned was a symnptom of heart failure and the doctors said that my A-fib could hide a blood clot and that perhaps I had the beginning of heart failure. heart failure? Could this have come on due to the Vicodin use? Always the guilt!! Fear of dying, my mortality!! Too young to have heart problems
And then.... I thought of my father and looked at his chart although I don't know bout the time of birth so I used 10AM based on his saying that he was born in the morning. what a beautiful chart and I could plainly see our area of entanglement which revealed to me his sadistic streak although he was too highly evolved to be really cruel. His Venus at 5+ Pisces and Mars at 14+ Virgo= His T-square become my experience of my father. I feared him and hated him although I was proud of his handsomeness and strength and talent to sing and swim. I in the end resolved the issues by getting pregnant at 15 (not so weird really since I began bleeding at age 9 years. Nevertheless I had a boyfriend from a more stable,successful family although of course low middle-class as well. I so wished that i could have known all of this before his death but ALAS!! I am only now understanding.
My father was a true introvert who loved animals and children and to loved to work. He was so skilled and had so much to share but as Roy Kenoier said "he was crazy".
My father was a good man. There was never any hint of sexual impropriety, there was absolutely no abuse of any kind accept of course for his temper which our mother could handle. He drank too much once and got drunk and made a fool of himself and my mother took the keys and threatened him with abandonment and that was the end of that-I never saw him drunk again. He was very clean and took great pride in his appearance his morning grooming ritual was part of our life.
11/28/2010
I am interested in turning to a plant-based diet. Some call this vegan but I was tempted when I say the very thin Bill Clinton say that after his last heart crisis he has turned to a plant-based diet and lost 27 pounds and feels better than ever. Clinton has always been the pudgy,gorgeous guy of my own gene pool-he could be a cousin,etc.
I know that the meat and animal fat and the processed foods are what has made me fat and ill. and then I have the added strain of using the pain pills habitually because i cannot use the old reliable pain relievers such as Motrin,etc. the "A-fib" has led to using warfarin to prevent blood clots and the feared strokes and heart attacks and after the months of using the pain relievers for the hand surgeries guess what I now use the pills all day long for arthritis and pulled muscles,etc.and I have issues now and must deal with these "issues"
Here is a soup recipe using Lapsang Souchong tea for flavor/body
Easy Black Bean Soup
From The Cat-Tea Corner™ Recipe Collection (great site to visit if you are Vegan, love cats and/or love tea).
1 onion, chopped
oil for sautéeing
2 garlic cloves, scored
1 cup water
1 can 15oz / 425gm black beans, not drained
1 can 14oz / 397gm diced tomatoes, not drained (plain or seasoned)
1/3 cup white rice (optionally basmati)
salt and ground cayenne pepper to taste
2 cups strong prepared Lapsang Souchong tea (use twice as much tea leaf as usual)
Sauté the onion in the oil in a 2 quart/ 1 litre pot. When it's soft and slightly browned, drop in the garlic and sauté about a minute longer. Pour in the water, beans with liquid, tomatoes with liquid, and the rice. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat and cover. Let it simmer for about 1/2 hour, until the rice is nice and soft. (While it's cooking, make and eat some salad; try lettuce, roasted red peppers, and olives.) Once the soup is finished cooking, season it with salt and cayenne. Stir in the tea. Then pour the soup into a blender -- including the garlic cloves -- and blend until pureed but you can still see flecks of black bean. (We had to do this in two batches to not overload the blender.) Dee-lish with some crusty bread. About 4 servings.
I love the idea of using the tea to flavor to give the soup a smokey flavor. I wouldn't need that since I have been eating beans,etc without bacon or ham for years now but I am looking forward to trying this recipe.
I have been haunted by the thought of how pigs and cows suffer in order to be my meant. Can't bear to walk by the section of the grocery store-I am especially troubled by the plight of pigs-don't know why except that I have read that pigs are actually brighter than we are,
At any rate I have been drawn to a vegetarian life for years and in fact was a semi-vegetarian in my 20's. the difference now though is that I am no longer drawn to meat and eat it only because meat is easy to purchase on sale and to freeze and also the kids love meat and want to see meat on the table. Still I often eat around the meat eating everything else offered and just avoiding the meat,gravy,etc.
Cooking without eggs, butter and milk will require training. First reading recipes then shopping then preparing.
OOHHOOHH interuptipn: I have Bill Maher on and he has Mike Huckabee on explaining why he doesn't want the Medical Covrage bill to go through. He mentions how the wonderful Pepsi company spent 65 million years ago removing the transfats from their products. There that it is: Republicans are hucksters for the monster corporations and he made it clear to me the corporate foundation of the "Tea Party".
I am hating on Obama these days: I do wonder along with the writer where I first encountered this thought: is Obama a Trojan Horse? Was he purchased to get the liberal vote and then turn right-wing on our asses? I just hate what he says and does. I read that he has done all this wonderful stuff that we would love if only we knew. Well!1 why don't we know?! Could it be that that line is coming from his PR workers and really nothing has been accomplished?? I don't know but he has lost those of us who really got him elected/
Sestac on HBO with Bill Meher. Michael Moore explaining the lie in Huckabee's praise of Pepsi: Pepsi removed transfats AFTER a government program proved how destructive trans-fats are.
I know that the meat and animal fat and the processed foods are what has made me fat and ill. and then I have the added strain of using the pain pills habitually because i cannot use the old reliable pain relievers such as Motrin,etc. the "A-fib" has led to using warfarin to prevent blood clots and the feared strokes and heart attacks and after the months of using the pain relievers for the hand surgeries guess what I now use the pills all day long for arthritis and pulled muscles,etc.and I have issues now and must deal with these "issues"
Here is a soup recipe using Lapsang Souchong tea for flavor/body
Easy Black Bean Soup
From The Cat-Tea Corner™ Recipe Collection (great site to visit if you are Vegan, love cats and/or love tea).
1 onion, chopped
oil for sautéeing
2 garlic cloves, scored
1 cup water
1 can 15oz / 425gm black beans, not drained
1 can 14oz / 397gm diced tomatoes, not drained (plain or seasoned)
1/3 cup white rice (optionally basmati)
salt and ground cayenne pepper to taste
2 cups strong prepared Lapsang Souchong tea (use twice as much tea leaf as usual)
Sauté the onion in the oil in a 2 quart/ 1 litre pot. When it's soft and slightly browned, drop in the garlic and sauté about a minute longer. Pour in the water, beans with liquid, tomatoes with liquid, and the rice. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat and cover. Let it simmer for about 1/2 hour, until the rice is nice and soft. (While it's cooking, make and eat some salad; try lettuce, roasted red peppers, and olives.) Once the soup is finished cooking, season it with salt and cayenne. Stir in the tea. Then pour the soup into a blender -- including the garlic cloves -- and blend until pureed but you can still see flecks of black bean. (We had to do this in two batches to not overload the blender.) Dee-lish with some crusty bread. About 4 servings.
I love the idea of using the tea to flavor to give the soup a smokey flavor. I wouldn't need that since I have been eating beans,etc without bacon or ham for years now but I am looking forward to trying this recipe.
I have been haunted by the thought of how pigs and cows suffer in order to be my meant. Can't bear to walk by the section of the grocery store-I am especially troubled by the plight of pigs-don't know why except that I have read that pigs are actually brighter than we are,
At any rate I have been drawn to a vegetarian life for years and in fact was a semi-vegetarian in my 20's. the difference now though is that I am no longer drawn to meat and eat it only because meat is easy to purchase on sale and to freeze and also the kids love meat and want to see meat on the table. Still I often eat around the meat eating everything else offered and just avoiding the meat,gravy,etc.
Cooking without eggs, butter and milk will require training. First reading recipes then shopping then preparing.
OOHHOOHH interuptipn: I have Bill Maher on and he has Mike Huckabee on explaining why he doesn't want the Medical Covrage bill to go through. He mentions how the wonderful Pepsi company spent 65 million years ago removing the transfats from their products. There that it is: Republicans are hucksters for the monster corporations and he made it clear to me the corporate foundation of the "Tea Party".
I am hating on Obama these days: I do wonder along with the writer where I first encountered this thought: is Obama a Trojan Horse? Was he purchased to get the liberal vote and then turn right-wing on our asses? I just hate what he says and does. I read that he has done all this wonderful stuff that we would love if only we knew. Well!1 why don't we know?! Could it be that that line is coming from his PR workers and really nothing has been accomplished?? I don't know but he has lost those of us who really got him elected/
Sestac on HBO with Bill Meher. Michael Moore explaining the lie in Huckabee's praise of Pepsi: Pepsi removed transfats AFTER a government program proved how destructive trans-fats are.
Friday, November 26, 2010
11/26/2010
Man’s work is to raise the dead to life, to bring brotherhood into expression on the physical plane, and to transmit divine energy to a waiting world of forms. ALICE BAILEY
This is a quote from Alice Baily and god I loved reading those words this morning. the rest of the passage is a little too strained or rather the analogy is strained but the first few words brought a tingle to my flesh
This is a quote from Alice Baily and god I loved reading those words this morning. the rest of the passage is a little too strained or rather the analogy is strained but the first few words brought a tingle to my flesh
Thursday, November 25, 2010
11/25/2010
Probably overworked yestereday but the kitchen looks appropriately Thanksgiving. Miss my sister who would be busy decorating the house so that Thanksgiving would reflect all over the house. Aimee, Arthur, Courtney will be here and Arvin arrived yesterday. There will be football and parades on TV and there will be cooking and we will eat all day. There will also be reminders of all the family/origins issues and the opportunity to release the past.
I said my morning prayer to Holy Queen: She is also present and healing and supporting in this home-the Blessing that I could never have asked for because the blessing came first and then I have grown in the direction, with the direction of Her.
Now : need cornbread, coconut cake, go get Aimee and Arthur, get giblets on to cooking in order to have turkey broth for dressing and gravy, cranberries into cranberry chutney,drain the fruits for the Heavenly Hash an outrage of fattening food that is my absolute favorite salad for Thanksgiving and Christmas-mandarin orange section, crushed pineapple,cherries,marshmallows and sour cream. YUP!! I am not kidding! This is from childhood and I have never tired of it. It was the expense of this on thanksgiving 1980 with George that revealed our greatest division. We were so broke and he was horrified that I spent over $10 getting the ingredients and I was of course simply delighted that I could manage to get the food together. The point for me is that I did not yet know how to make the salad properly but it symbolizes for me the lushness of abundance and overflow and it is the abundance that I love and seek out at this time of year.
I said my morning prayer to Holy Queen: She is also present and healing and supporting in this home-the Blessing that I could never have asked for because the blessing came first and then I have grown in the direction, with the direction of Her.
Now : need cornbread, coconut cake, go get Aimee and Arthur, get giblets on to cooking in order to have turkey broth for dressing and gravy, cranberries into cranberry chutney,drain the fruits for the Heavenly Hash an outrage of fattening food that is my absolute favorite salad for Thanksgiving and Christmas-mandarin orange section, crushed pineapple,cherries,marshmallows and sour cream. YUP!! I am not kidding! This is from childhood and I have never tired of it. It was the expense of this on thanksgiving 1980 with George that revealed our greatest division. We were so broke and he was horrified that I spent over $10 getting the ingredients and I was of course simply delighted that I could manage to get the food together. The point for me is that I did not yet know how to make the salad properly but it symbolizes for me the lushness of abundance and overflow and it is the abundance that I love and seek out at this time of year.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
11/24/2010
The day before Thanksgiving 2010. Pies to make,cakes to bake and many chores to prepare for tomorrow and I am grateful this year.
Last night I dreamed that i was once again with Roland in the ghetto grabbing sex on the sneak and dirty guilty sex and I didn't go to work even though I did continue to attempt to clean my house and go to work,etc. This was such a reminder of my life with him-guilt complexes around sex seeing it as nasty and hidden and vulgar and something only available at the lower rungs of society. A devastating time for me/ I feel so sloppy even a betrayer, a traitor against my class,my group but this is the only way I know how to fulfill my sex drive. I remember that I have a lover now who is not part of this life but still I allow the old life to seep in. I don't remember the details just that the dream takes place in Richmond, Denver and downtown Oakland when Capwells was still viable.
As I write I no longer recall all the details but there is an end and a resolution. I never got to work that day, never got the bath and change of clothes I needed,never really got the house cleaned up but I did wind up in command and in the end my dear friend Judy came in and asked if I wanted to get to a getaway island off the Carolinas. She was so tall and slender and her hair was straight and cut short and very close to her head.
This comes three days after I ran into Doc and Cheryl, Roland's brother and sister-in-law. Steve and I were doing Thanksgiving shopping and Cheryl and I met over the onion bin there at Safeway. I loved them all even though as the dream indicates there was so much shadow for me and my sex complex was totally in control and I destroyed much of my life although I did hold onto the job. Well I was deeply upset after-there are reasons that I pulled away and never returned and I didn't want those years integrated into the life I have now.
Roland has remarried and is happy!!! Living in San Francisco. I am sure his mother's answered prayers. This is beautiful and I am thankful for him and his life now.
At any rate Steve and I slept snuggled up last night something that we don't do now fifteen years in and I believe it was because of my closeness to him that I was able to have the dream and to benefit from the blessing and assurance of that dream.
I don't have to go back and I am capable of integrating my darkness into consciousness and therefore growing through all the chapters of life.
I have the past few weeks/months been reflecting on the experience of poor planning and poverty,etc that led to the failure of my plans to return to school in 1977 the time of the first Saturn return. I could not accept myself at that point and that led to Roland and those years
Maybe I will eventually write on all of those years and the loss and darkness and perhaps have something to offer for my time and space. Love to my Beloved Holy Mother of Tears!! If when she first showed up I could have turned to Her but alas I didn't yet know how not until all those years later when I went to St Joseph's did I encounter the type of spiritual instruction that I needed. I am grateful to be a Roman Catholic regardless of the unpopularity and the often, for me, offensive militaristic faith of some RC's. Abortion is the issue of the day and ultimately we should be able to support all life we are given but I still must stand with the young mother who must support herself and the children-if she cannot support a pregnancy I support her.
Last night I dreamed that i was once again with Roland in the ghetto grabbing sex on the sneak and dirty guilty sex and I didn't go to work even though I did continue to attempt to clean my house and go to work,etc. This was such a reminder of my life with him-guilt complexes around sex seeing it as nasty and hidden and vulgar and something only available at the lower rungs of society. A devastating time for me/ I feel so sloppy even a betrayer, a traitor against my class,my group but this is the only way I know how to fulfill my sex drive. I remember that I have a lover now who is not part of this life but still I allow the old life to seep in. I don't remember the details just that the dream takes place in Richmond, Denver and downtown Oakland when Capwells was still viable.
As I write I no longer recall all the details but there is an end and a resolution. I never got to work that day, never got the bath and change of clothes I needed,never really got the house cleaned up but I did wind up in command and in the end my dear friend Judy came in and asked if I wanted to get to a getaway island off the Carolinas. She was so tall and slender and her hair was straight and cut short and very close to her head.
This comes three days after I ran into Doc and Cheryl, Roland's brother and sister-in-law. Steve and I were doing Thanksgiving shopping and Cheryl and I met over the onion bin there at Safeway. I loved them all even though as the dream indicates there was so much shadow for me and my sex complex was totally in control and I destroyed much of my life although I did hold onto the job. Well I was deeply upset after-there are reasons that I pulled away and never returned and I didn't want those years integrated into the life I have now.
Roland has remarried and is happy!!! Living in San Francisco. I am sure his mother's answered prayers. This is beautiful and I am thankful for him and his life now.
At any rate Steve and I slept snuggled up last night something that we don't do now fifteen years in and I believe it was because of my closeness to him that I was able to have the dream and to benefit from the blessing and assurance of that dream.
I don't have to go back and I am capable of integrating my darkness into consciousness and therefore growing through all the chapters of life.
I have the past few weeks/months been reflecting on the experience of poor planning and poverty,etc that led to the failure of my plans to return to school in 1977 the time of the first Saturn return. I could not accept myself at that point and that led to Roland and those years
Maybe I will eventually write on all of those years and the loss and darkness and perhaps have something to offer for my time and space. Love to my Beloved Holy Mother of Tears!! If when she first showed up I could have turned to Her but alas I didn't yet know how not until all those years later when I went to St Joseph's did I encounter the type of spiritual instruction that I needed. I am grateful to be a Roman Catholic regardless of the unpopularity and the often, for me, offensive militaristic faith of some RC's. Abortion is the issue of the day and ultimately we should be able to support all life we are given but I still must stand with the young mother who must support herself and the children-if she cannot support a pregnancy I support her.
Friday, November 12, 2010
11/12/2010
So there is so much going on inside of me. Tonight out of the heavens comes this image of a fox and I know that I should look up fox/fox medicine. I am so surprised and then I see the book "Pioneer Women" about the European immigrants that may have contained some of the women in my maternal side. the book talks about the advertisments of the first corporate farms who advertised in Europe and the British Isles for cheap land in The US.
FOX: really that has only shown up in its shadow aspect-sneaking away with out paying debts and sneaking away form doing necessary chores,being sloppy and careless.
SOLITARY I think.
FOX: really that has only shown up in its shadow aspect-sneaking away with out paying debts and sneaking away form doing necessary chores,being sloppy and careless.
SOLITARY I think.
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