Early morning is almost 8 am this morning. Had to shower and tend to the wounded hand. the left hand is healing up wonderfully as I expected but the right hand is troubled still. the fourth finger is full of pain and it triggers. I don't think that I will go back to work as early as I thought.
I am definitely planning on retirement after my birthday-I need to be here for my sister and for Arvin and possibly for Aimee.
courtney showing her Scorpio self as part of the Scorpio in Pluto generation-she is a peace maker and very conscious of what hurtsand the possibility of not hurting people when they are hurting. she is also a fierce warrior. I love Scorpio always mysterious always worthy of study so unlike me. can never take Scorpio for granted.
I am planning to take some writing lessons through Donna Cunningham.

Tuesday

Okay as of this morning I have decided to retire so that I will be home with my sister and Arvin. We need a caretaker and i will fill that place.
I think that I will manage but I will need to apply for IHSS for Buffy in order to plumb up the income. I will create a garden in the soil available and start containrs for beans,peas,strawberries,etc.
I was so amazed to see all the wrinkles in the photos S took for my profile. Weird that I was surprised because I certainly feel old inside-I am now a crone and I feel like that but somehow was still expecting to see someone younger.
My life is all domestic right now and all problems. I am going to contemplate my chart and the charts of ALL my family living here. I know that there is something I could see that would help me as I face my karma and my daughter's karma and the needs of the young ones.

Monday-more

I can't remember if I wrote about this but I was visiting Harwood again and felt there in my body and I was slim and high-strung again. I noticed that one connection to the slimness was a willingness to be myself and to be mistress of my domain. I was slim and at that time I was not vey sweet-would ask people to leave if I didn't like the conversation or their energy. Anyone who tried tø cross me in any way had to go. Conflic† here-I want to help people feel more comfortable want lifto share the love I have known and this is in conflict with my desire to have a life I respect. HMMM! I will be thinking on this.

Monday again

I wrote via email to a woman who intrigued me through her art and writings and who is offering classes in Goddess awareness and life lived in Goddess and through Goddess and for Goddess. i wrote her around 10:24 am pdt, Around 10:30 I was overwhelmed by a strong image of spring green and standing in the opening of the wood close to my house, the backyard. In front of me is a red fox,beautiful and active and artistic and I understand that I am being offered fox medicine but I am not sure that is for me.
Wanted to capture that moment and also the morning when I feel closer to finding my way and people I like to spend time with.

Monday 3/16/2009

Yesterday the Ides of March and the anniversary of Robert's passing. I was so touched that his brother John whom Robert always judged and rejected and who obert warned us would get the house which was let to all of us. Well of course John got the house he said that he paid over $40,000 for Roberts care so he took that off the top and then he liquidated any thing he had paid for Gerald's visits,etc and voila he had the house and there was talk of sharing but no longer. Still and all wi†h all his stinginess and judgments he was roasting a pork chop and some oysters in honor of Robert. We had chicken and cauliflower and potatoes and asparagus.
The most beautiful posting by Hecate today on explaining to her gson the beauty of Hecate and witches and the dark and nighttime. I was so moved-what love and tenderness. I gained a new level of understanding of what I am searching for-hecate feared but she guides us when we reach a cossroads. she appears threatening but that is for those who are false; she guides those who are true and leads us in the direction that we need. I was so warmed and open to learning witchcraft. Already a hearthwitch I am realtively uneducaated even ignorant but I am open now on a new level.

I love the early morning where I am free to flollow my instinct and let my mind lead me to where I want to go. Vesta/Hestia, Vestal Virgins-funny that I who wanted to go out into world would find myself to be more in touch with Hestia than the more adventurous gals. I learned to love being inside-saturn in the 4th. But also sq mars in taurus rising.
So go-buffy out of cigarettes couldn't wait for Steve to get ready and wanted to go herself. We discussed it and decided she could since it is a straight walk of four blocks. Aimee shoots out of bed with the usual hateful expression on her face. I explain that Buffy is fine but aimee is so full of judgement that she shoots off barefoot in the rain won't listen to me and when she returns she still won't listen to me andI tell her to get off the hate and she starts screaming that she doesn't hate anyone and I call her liar at which point she charges at me and says what am I lying about? I tell her she is lying about hating me that I can see it in the expression on her face. From there she starts screaming that i am high on narcotics and that is the problem and then I give up because I am currently weaning myself off Vicodan and I do use too much but jeez this is from she whho weighs over 300 pounds, who will sleep all day and blame her children,etc. I just give up . I would lik to be out of this but no luck there. I Ching this morning 29 The Abyss changing †o 59 Dispersion soooo I will practice today.