6/30/2010

A week since I wrote anything. My "frankness" and judgements have created so much pain that I just shut down as far a s writing. Even J in New York was inspired to start in on what a lazy slut I am and my entire life a failure and my relationship with Steve a joke and guess what? Steve managed to direct all future comment from her directly to the trash. He did it somewhere inside the program but thank god-I still hurt from her hatefulness.

Any way I am sick of all the hatefulness everywhere especially coming from me-there has to a better way. The "frankness" I was loving the "telling it as it is" but the damage done and for what? The world is not helped by my frankness and in fact a friend is denied the comfort and support of my friendship due to my "frankness". Well this morning while reading the Religion section in Huffington Post I came across the founder of WAWA-a ballistic Christian on fire with the mercy of Christ/God/Allah/Buddha and on and on. I went to the site and through reading just one of her essays my heart was lit up with hope for a better way of being in the world and a way of living that brings modesty to my thoughts, something I have never really known,and meekness and kindness to my words and actions. I said the only true prayer I have said in years and years-feeling the sureness of my realization of the Christ within-the Feminine Face of God. The essential kindness and gentleness of my nature peeked out from where she has been hiding under the "brutal honesty" and knee-jerk reactions to pain and suffering. I am wanting a new way of living and not one of "being saved" or any fundamentalist stuff but a way of life pbased on faith: faith that knows all is unfolding as it should even if I don't see it and I go about the work I know is mine-spreading love and mercy bringing love and light through me to my abilities to carry such power-I am only human.
I may be back later today-we have quite a bit to do.