This is a time of challenge for me. We are already out of money. this is because Steve's job through the Dept of Rehab has not kicked in this year-the great recession hits our family-we were safe last year but doesn't appear that we will be safe this year.
Okay!! so what to do? Prayer and meditation. Trusting that we will have what we need. My biggest doubt is the millions of people who are even now wondering how they will pay for the electricity they have already used so that they can continue receiving electricity through their wires. This is the rub with the Positive Thinking movement-I need to think that I am more deserving than those who have not gotten the word. I have had this same issue with the Christianity that I was raised with. In the fifth and sixth grade we had a mad,fundamentalist, Christian missionary for a teacher and every day started with Bible study and discussion. One day I was struck by the thought of "well if Jesus never went to Africa and the Apostles never traveled there and no one no one ever told them about Jesus then would they be condemned to death because they had never accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior? The answer I received was, after a pause, YES they would have to go to Hell because someone , sometime knew about Jesus and didn't tell them so they all have to go to Hell.
Well!! overlooking the ignorance and racism in which I was raised I think one can see where I have the problem with religion all together and Positive Thinking is part of Christian religion and I balk when I consider receiving gifts that others do not have access to or they too would be receiving the same gifts. I have an issue with "being saved" and "doing well". Why me? And why not them? I know and have known that this is not because I deserve anything that others don't deserve.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Thursday September 8/2011
Whoa!! Long time no write. I do write to my friend Cheri on the internet and sometimes to other friends such as PatC and QOP as well. Still I thought that I was writing more regularly than this board would indicate.
Yesterday I fought off all manner of spider and little thin green worms that seemed to stand up to see who was disturbing their forest in order to pick berries in order to make a berry pie and offer up my energy and creativity to the Goddess of summer in gratitude for summer which I love and for which I never fail to feel a pull at my heart as I observe more and more yellow leaves falling to the ground. My friend Cheri says that autumn is her favorite but for me it is spring which leads to summer and I love,love summer. Not so much for winter which follows autumn. I am so grateful that our land has really three seasons-spring,growing/harvest,rainy. I was born here and although I grew up in Kansas I needed to get back to the kind climate of central California.
Yesterday I fought off all manner of spider and little thin green worms that seemed to stand up to see who was disturbing their forest in order to pick berries in order to make a berry pie and offer up my energy and creativity to the Goddess of summer in gratitude for summer which I love and for which I never fail to feel a pull at my heart as I observe more and more yellow leaves falling to the ground. My friend Cheri says that autumn is her favorite but for me it is spring which leads to summer and I love,love summer. Not so much for winter which follows autumn. I am so grateful that our land has really three seasons-spring,growing/harvest,rainy. I was born here and although I grew up in Kansas I needed to get back to the kind climate of central California.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Friday 8/5/2011
Well I did write before this but I can't figure out where it is. I "saved" and moved to llok at Jude Cowell's comment of 5/13/2011. I was so touched that someone was reading my words that I just had to go there and now I can't find that post. I have a lot of trouble using this "Blogger" offering. I just can't figure the system out.
At any rate I was noting that this begins a big spot of the year for me: the anniversery of the bombing of Hiroshima with the atom bomb,Joyce's birthdy,Lisa's birthday and also now the anniversary of her death which was 8/11/2009 I believe. I will call Shawn to night and ask him the exact date since I only discovered her death after the fact.
At any rate I was noting that this begins a big spot of the year for me: the anniversery of the bombing of Hiroshima with the atom bomb,Joyce's birthdy,Lisa's birthday and also now the anniversary of her death which was 8/11/2009 I believe. I will call Shawn to night and ask him the exact date since I only discovered her death after the fact.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
August 2,2011 Mercury retrograde today
Cooking this evening and happy to be busy even if I am sort of tired. Everything got "lost" and I no longer remember what it was that I wanted to say. I got so involved with preparing in the sous chef way -cleaning table tops, cabinet tops. sweeping preparing rice-Mexican restaurant style rice--well hours later and supper has been eaten-gluttony on the list. Beef tacos eaten with a dollop of "Mexican restaurant" style salad dressing and a huge serving of salad with slivers of lettuce, cabbage,carrots all mixed up, also salsa. The taco is served with cheese atop the meat as the meat is lifted from the cooking pan.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sunday 7/31/2011
The time of Leo which I love what with Saturn Moon Pluto all in Leo with in seven degrees right in the very basement of my heart.
The government has been arguing and threatening over a refusal by the right wing Republican congress members to raise the debt limit. I am so sick of the arguments and even more I am sick because I don't believe ANYONE, ANYONE CONNECTED TO THIS. I was trying to come back to supporting Obama but today I read in Huffington Post about his rigid determination to punish drug users and to treat the "druggies" like serious felons and I imagine gathering from other gossip drops in Huffington Post,etc that he intends to put pot smokers in the same place as other drug users. This is so depressing and so stupid and so what? sickening? Nauseating?
I find news about our real history. PBS is running a show about the Bombing of Germany at the end of the war. Kurt Vonnegut wrote about this and so have others. Other places on the TV is constant chatter about Obama, the right wing Congressional members who are new and who lack knowledge of law-making thinking that it is all rubbish and they can just throw a spanner in the works, get everything to stop and then someone will come in and rewrite everything more in the ideas of Grover Norquist. Grover has been outed to the national press although I have heard that he and his lover openly walk around holding hands where they live in ????North Carolina?
Norquist is a nightmare to me-a behind the scenes dictator having these new congressional reps sign an agreement that they seem loathe to break. Norquist plays on the fear and confusion of these times in America. From what he says and the energy he exudes I say that he is a hater and he spreads hate by accenting people's fear and rewarding them for being so bright and perceptive to realize "the truth". I am just intuiting here; I have never read anything about him nor have I researched him at all. I am simply reacting to the publicity and certain smirkiness that I perceive in him. I get the idea that he is doing what he does out of a deep hatred of the world.
So...... I am stuffed with negative energy tonight and can't even move myself to something better. YUCK!! Tomorrow is another day as my mother used to say to me when I had had a terrible day.
The government has been arguing and threatening over a refusal by the right wing Republican congress members to raise the debt limit. I am so sick of the arguments and even more I am sick because I don't believe ANYONE, ANYONE CONNECTED TO THIS. I was trying to come back to supporting Obama but today I read in Huffington Post about his rigid determination to punish drug users and to treat the "druggies" like serious felons and I imagine gathering from other gossip drops in Huffington Post,etc that he intends to put pot smokers in the same place as other drug users. This is so depressing and so stupid and so what? sickening? Nauseating?
I find news about our real history. PBS is running a show about the Bombing of Germany at the end of the war. Kurt Vonnegut wrote about this and so have others. Other places on the TV is constant chatter about Obama, the right wing Congressional members who are new and who lack knowledge of law-making thinking that it is all rubbish and they can just throw a spanner in the works, get everything to stop and then someone will come in and rewrite everything more in the ideas of Grover Norquist. Grover has been outed to the national press although I have heard that he and his lover openly walk around holding hands where they live in ????North Carolina?
Norquist is a nightmare to me-a behind the scenes dictator having these new congressional reps sign an agreement that they seem loathe to break. Norquist plays on the fear and confusion of these times in America. From what he says and the energy he exudes I say that he is a hater and he spreads hate by accenting people's fear and rewarding them for being so bright and perceptive to realize "the truth". I am just intuiting here; I have never read anything about him nor have I researched him at all. I am simply reacting to the publicity and certain smirkiness that I perceive in him. I get the idea that he is doing what he does out of a deep hatred of the world.
So...... I am stuffed with negative energy tonight and can't even move myself to something better. YUCK!! Tomorrow is another day as my mother used to say to me when I had had a terrible day.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
7/24/2011
So long since I wrote. I shut down, just shut down. I thought that I was doing better and truly I was out of the physical part of grief but I couldn't stand with any of the wonderful thoughts and breakthroughs of those weeks.
I remember now the experience of "knowing"that I have always been accompanied on this journey always surrounded by love and the attention of elders and I "knew" in a breath that I would have the same experienced as I move into death. I felt like teaching angels were all around me and they were teaching me something in that thought that was very like learning to write my name in the big letters we first use.
I was shaken to my core by Buffy's death. Somehow I had a fantasy that she would not do it in the end that she would stay alive. If Buffy died then I could no longer deny the facts-I too would die.
Dieing just scared me so deeply; I felt so abandoned by all that I had trusted. This "thought" came up as an answer to that fear. I know it seems simple now that it has been born but believe me I had to go through so much to get to that "thought"and it is such a gift one that I carry with me although I just forgot it for a few weeks.
I am accustomed to Buffy being dead and I still miss her so much. She was so small in death just a little girl and I saw photos of her and was so shocked to see how pretty she was so feminine and old-fashioned. I never saw that because I was so buzy fighting her and doing all that I could to scar her and beat her and totally dominate her. And I won but at the cost of my soul-what violence between us and I was totally unconscious of what I was doing always thought of her as the mean one and everyone joined in and she was tormented but she was always the one who got boyfriends. I was shocked by this because I thought of myself as beautiful, nice, and fun but over and over guys chose her.
I wish that I could have loved her in life as I do now that she is gone and I am not confronted with the fact of her and fall once again to the spell of "my sister"who carried all my shadow, all my nastiness. WOW!! her spirit guides were so glad to welcome her home.
Going to lie down this evening with Steve and red "Godesses In Older Women". I have been really startled to recognize how central Hestia is in my psychology. Wouldn't surprise anyone else who knows these things and knows me
I remember now the experience of "knowing"that I have always been accompanied on this journey always surrounded by love and the attention of elders and I "knew" in a breath that I would have the same experienced as I move into death. I felt like teaching angels were all around me and they were teaching me something in that thought that was very like learning to write my name in the big letters we first use.
I was shaken to my core by Buffy's death. Somehow I had a fantasy that she would not do it in the end that she would stay alive. If Buffy died then I could no longer deny the facts-I too would die.
Dieing just scared me so deeply; I felt so abandoned by all that I had trusted. This "thought" came up as an answer to that fear. I know it seems simple now that it has been born but believe me I had to go through so much to get to that "thought"and it is such a gift one that I carry with me although I just forgot it for a few weeks.
I am accustomed to Buffy being dead and I still miss her so much. She was so small in death just a little girl and I saw photos of her and was so shocked to see how pretty she was so feminine and old-fashioned. I never saw that because I was so buzy fighting her and doing all that I could to scar her and beat her and totally dominate her. And I won but at the cost of my soul-what violence between us and I was totally unconscious of what I was doing always thought of her as the mean one and everyone joined in and she was tormented but she was always the one who got boyfriends. I was shocked by this because I thought of myself as beautiful, nice, and fun but over and over guys chose her.
I wish that I could have loved her in life as I do now that she is gone and I am not confronted with the fact of her and fall once again to the spell of "my sister"who carried all my shadow, all my nastiness. WOW!! her spirit guides were so glad to welcome her home.
Going to lie down this evening with Steve and red "Godesses In Older Women". I have been really startled to recognize how central Hestia is in my psychology. Wouldn't surprise anyone else who knows these things and knows me
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